Honest friend ?

[calmshell]

How do you respond to someone or feel when they are too honest? When it seems they do not have a 'filter' so to speak.. an example would be 'I could get over you and/or 'move on', (when the person has already recently talked of the opposite, of enjoying /loving you deeply). And When you point out someone's insensitivity that hurts you and they say, they may 'still' say those things to you and don't 'realize' it until after, do you chalk it up to sheer 'honesty', or do you tend to back away when one you admire or respect continues to do it?

[calmshell]

Thank you, V Man.. I appreciate your comment and time. Yes, I think when saying the 'truth' about a situation to someone, it's best to show a POSITIVE aspect of what you want to relay.. great answer. 'looking for support', I think was a great way to put it- thanks so much. Hope you have a nice one:)

[The_V_Man]

Being Honest and being Kind are two different things and yes, you can be both. Its called tack and empathy. Saying the truth is always welcome, if the person cannot say it in a positive and constructive way that's their bad.
Fat Woman: "Does this dress make me look fat?"
Man: "I can tell you like the dress and it makes you happy. That great smile you have draws my attention and its what people will notice, so the dress is great!"
People know the truth and are looking for support.

[Londres70]

You should always look for the positive in others and keep in mind no one is perfect, however, don't turn a blind eye to the negatives.  You and only you can determine if you can accept and deal with the negatives. This person told you flat out he isn't going to change and that he will say what what he wants regardless if it hurts you or not.  

Some people are always open and honest about everything and lack a filter.  This can be overwhelming for someone who is more reserved in his/her behavior and/or sharing thoughts with another, e.g. YOU.  

If you don't have thick skin, this probably isn't a great match as far as a relationship is concerned.  Sounds like your personalities don't mesh well.

If someone doesn't mind saying things over and over again knowing he is hurting you and you continue to deal with that person that says volumes about you.  Are you sure he doesn't want out of the relationship and is trying to tell you that?

"The person knows it hurts me, and said it would 'probably still be shared', but that they would like to take a break to minimize hurting me. It still feels crappy. :( I just don't feel any integrity or like you said, dignity, within it."........Give him his break..........permanently.  If he has to "minimize" interaction with you to minimize hurting you then this is a "no brainer."  This isn't working out and will not work.  Furthermore, sounds like he wants out of the relationship in my opinion.  Let him out I say.  You can't build a relationship or maintain a relationship by "minimizing" interaction.  

[calmshell]

Hi Londres, thanks so much for your feedback and response. I think what you said about someone really not caring about hurting your feelings, that that wouldn't be the best situation to continue with, made me really 'see'. The person knows it hurts me, and said it would 'probably still be shared', but that they would like to take a break to minimize hurting me. It still feels crappy. :( I just don't feel any integrity or like you said, dignity, within it. That if they told ME they were feeling hurt by me sharing 'honest' feelings of how I could 'move on' potentially, I would NOT even hint that I'd ever say something insensitive again- I'd WANT them to feel good and respected. I really appreciate your thoughts with the issue, thank you, L. *hugg* I try to see the good in people and I am trying to 'accept' that this person's frustration or honesty might come up, but it makes me feel low, and I guess it would continue. I know they don't intend to hurt me, and say it will just 'come out', but I try my best to be positive and not make them feel any form of 'low', because we have shared deep feelings. Well, I guess to just take one day at a time, is all we can do. Thanks again, L, I value your opinion and friendship:)

[Londres70]

I don't really fault people for being honest so long as it isn't at the expense of someone's feelings or belittling someone or disrespecting someone.

If someone tells you he/she isn't going to change his/her behavior after you told him/her how you feel about the behavior then you should certaintly consider that a "red flag."  

I wouldn't recommend continuing a relationship with someone who could care less about how you feel and would rather carry on with the behavior.  Sounds like he doesn't think much about you.  

Don't stay in hopes he will change or that you can build a "tolerance" to this.  I wouldn't suggest building a "tolerance" to disrespect.  Futhermore, you shouldn't be made to feel "crappy" in a relationship.  

We show people how to treat us.  If you stay I am sure the situation will become more and more unbearable.  

I can imagine it isn't easy to "just cut ties," but keep in mind this person doesn't really care about hurting your feelings.  Maybe he has 100 things that are totally wonderful about him, but in my opinion you shouldn't compromise your dignity in order to continue this relationship.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I SO agree with Your observation that We would not say something hurtful when We've been made aware that it is indeed hurtful.  That's why I see this as 'passive/aggressive' behavior - and in time this would not be the ONLY issue with that kind of behavior.  I'm certain it would surface in other areas given time and awareness.
You say You 'truly like the person, so it is difficult to cut all contact'.  I understand that as well.  Considering that no one is 'perfect' You still must decide if this is a 'deal breaker'.  My personal opinion is it's a Red Flag and that in time there will be other issues and will those 'other' issues become 'deal breakers' ?
Just beware and BeAWARE.  
GoodLuck.  I hope this works for You

[calmshell]

Thank you TTinKKerBBell, I truly appreciate your comment and time. I do think it is a behavior that doesn't feel 'great' when being on the receiving end, esp. when they are saying it will /might continue:( I do think love is a choice as well, and that if one told me I said something hurtful, I could not imply I 'may' do that again :( I truly like the person, so it is difficult to cut all contact, but on the other hand, it feels really crappy that in  a 'way', it might just go on without regard to how I feel. I wish life were simpler sometimes. Thanks so much, T again.

[TTinKKerBBell]

It sounds like passive/aggressive behavior to me.

I think the person does indeed 'realize' what he/she is saying but simply 'back pedals' when You confront Him/Her - (passive/aggressive).  You've confronted it and He/She is telling You this may 'still' continue - So, there lies Your answer - You must decide if You want this behavior in Your life - You've been told it is not going to change.  Love IS a choice.  Be wise, choose to live with this behavior or choose NOT to live with this behavior - it truly is Your choice.