How do we fix this?

[Wingz62]

My husband told me he doesn’t like the way my vagina tastes. I have get personal hygiene, no BV or std’s. He said it’s because I smoke. The only good to come of this is that I quit smoking! Since that night I have recused to go down on him and polity reminded him he doesn’t always taste like an ice cream cone either but I’d never say anything to make him feel  insecure and than laugh at him. This has affected our relationship and sex life.
How do we fix this? Heal, so we can move on. I’m afraid to try oral sex again. What if it had nothing to do with my diet or habits.
Help.....

[RockRose]

I agree that trying to punish him,  or make him feel guilty are not the way to have a long term relationship.  Here's the deal:  some people find oral sex disgusting.  And honestly,  who blames them.   In my own life,  I'd rather my husband not give me oral if it disgusted him.  Can you consider occasionally,  but not that frequently,   giving it to him?  When couples make plans to hurt or guilt the other,  the relationship is doomed.

[AnnieBrooke]

I am also thinking that in the original description of the problem, you didn't say that your husband told you this and laughed at you, just that he told you this and then you quit smoking, and that now you are withholding oral sex from him. Then at the end you threw that in, about the laughing. Did he actually laugh at you or did you just feel so distressed that you took his comment as scornful?

If he did actually laugh at you (why would he? It's not funny), was he really laughing at you, or was he embarrassed and laughing nervously? If you think he laughed at you and mocked you about this, that is a more significant issue (and a different one) than oral sex.

As Nighthawk says, it's perfectly all right to not have oral sex in a relationship as long as all else is good. So, is the argument really about oral sex?   Nobody "makes" someone feel something, they just do what they do and the other person chooses how they feel as a response. If you think he was trying to make you feel bad about yourself, this is a way different discussion than one about whether he wants to give you oral sex and whether you feel like retaliating if he stops.

[Wingz62]

He did laugh and added that I’m just over reacting. I believe out of nervousness. I also believe that he had no intensions of perposly hurting me. I believe that he wishes he had never said it and is feeling really bad that he has hurt me. But what’s done is done and now we need to figure out how to get over this, how to allow this part of myself to be volnerable again at the risk of getting hurt once again. We both enjoy oral and miss it but I’m so hurt and afraid. And yes I quit going down on him cause he ruined it for me.  I felt that he hurt me and I’m not going to reward him by still letting him have oral. I guess i could give him oral so he feels guilty about not being able to do the same for me.
I am looking for the right words to help us get over this. We both want oral, miss it but now I’m so hurt, afraid to be that volnerable again.

[AnnieBrooke]

So. He hurt your feelings and you are now feeling vindictive enough that you will "not reward him" by giving him oral sex. Unless, of course, you could twist the knife further by making him feel guilty. That would be good.

Come on, the problem is not the oral itself, it is the manipulative dynamic. He hurt your feelings and made you angry and you do not think he has atoned enough and are just not willing to let it go. "Looking for the right words to get over this" is b.s., you are still looking for a way to make him sorry for what he said. He is not going to be able to say any combination of words that will make you feel better about yourself, it has to come from you feeling just fine about yourself.

The right words would be, "Aw, forget it, let's hop in the sack and have fun." But you aren't forgetting it. You are instead sacrificing your relationship on the altar of wanting him to be sorry and wanting him to pay, pay, pay. Good luck with that long term.

[Wingz62]

Yeah he did a really ******  thing. I’m hurt. I’m past the resentment. I am now at the point where I have to learn to feel comfortable with him going down on me. I don’t know how to do that without tension and worry.
There’s no reason to make him repeatedly pay. It’s not constructive . I need to know how to get from point A) feeling insecure, worried, tense, gross to point B) where we are back to normal.
It’s be great if it where as easy as “just jump in the sack”

[AnnieBrooke]

But that is my point, sweetheart. If you were feeling fine about yourself and the world, it would be just that easy. You would shrug off what happened, figure he is lucky to have you in his life and in his bed, and move on with good cheer. But you aren't. Which is why I was of the opinion that this fight is not about the oral sex per se but about something else: maybe control, or how you feel about yourself. He is not in charge of how you feel about yourself inside, only you are. Trying to turn things around so he will magically make everything better is basically blaming him for how you feel about yourself.

Here is what I think. It's totally great that you gave up smoking. That is a *** of a habit and would have killed you in the end, and you did it. If you are tough enough to quit smoking (and many people say it is the hardest thing they have ever done), you are a big enough person to take responsibility for learning to no longer feel insecure and dump the load on your s.o. Find a counselor, read some books, figure it out. You are a complete, competent and strong person, you can do this.

[Wingz62]

I love him, I love having sex with him, it’s his opinion of me that I value  and I’m crushed that did this.  Yes I stopped giving him **’s, other than that I don’t throw jabs at him, keep the crying to myself.  During oral so many people are thinking “hope i smell good, washed well, did a good job shaving, hope I taste all right, does he like it? Is he turned on”  and then the one person who’s opinion matters, the one person you want to turn on hurts you.
Thanks for your advice. I will continue to try getting over this.  Just not brave enough to try again.

[AnnieBrooke]

I think it's too bad you felt so sensitive but of course it's a personal topic.  That said, all husbands sometimes say something the wife does not expect. It doesn't sound like a deal breaker about the marriage, for you. If it is not, you probably have to start to learn to deal with stuff like this in a more grown-up way. Carrying the grudge like this is going to begin to make him wonder what he married.

When a newlywed, my mom spent a lot of thought and time on their first place's decor and had (she thought) discussed it in depth with my dad and gotten interested comments back.  But after the decor was complete, something prompted her to ask my dad if he could tell her what color the living room rug was. He didn't know. That's one of those young-bride young-groom stories, ha ha so funny, the obtuse guy. But here's the thing. She said she "cried and cried" about it. Why act like that about the color of a rug? It didn't mean he didn't love her,  whether or not it triggered all her insecurities. It's a good thing she toughened up, they had five kids. If she had not learned to live with Dad as he is, having to deal with that level of drama all the time would have been pretty much a mess for all of us. Raising kids = hard. Rugs = easy.

Oh-so very hurt, "crushed," tension, worry, payback, schemes to make him feel even guiltier by giving him some oral so he will feel bad about not doing the same, does sound like an overreaction no matter how personally insulted you felt. Only kids think that if they pout and act out, Daddy will make everything all right. You're a married woman, your husband's partner not his daughter. It might be time to get real about what to expect from this man: the lesson is that either sometimes he is going to be tactless or sometimes he won't be able to keep from triggering your insecurities. But you love him. You've got to quit with the overly dramatic "the one person you want to turn on, hurts you" stuff. It is going to happen every now and then. He does not exist to make life perfect for you. He exists to be your partner.

[Nighthawk61]

Oral Sex isn't for everyone. Doesn't need to be a deal breaker if all else is good.

[AnnieBrooke]

Maybe it is the only way he could think of to get you to quit smoking.