Husband signed up for a dating site

[megochick101]

So my husband just received an alert on his phone that his new account at some dating site has been set up. HE is currently sleeping so I haven't said anything about it. But since I am a curious person, I checked the site out. It's not just a normal dating site such as match or e harmony, no it a SEX dating site. It a site that you can go to to find people in your area to have SEX with!!!!! I almost woke him up and started bitching at him, but I don't want him knowing that I know he has an account at this site. I did note the website name and his login info, as it was conveniently in the alert on his phone, and put that information in the notepad of my phone for future reference. But i'm not sure what i should do, should I just confront him about it, or do I wait and see if he uses the site? But then if he actually uses the site, I don't know how I'll handle that.

But on the same hand, if i confront him about this, he may just go to a different site and hide it better. So it may be better that I know. D*mn it i'm freakin PISSED!!

So confront him, or wait it out?? Any opinions out there?

[mami1323]

Did you log in and read the profile? Does he have a picture up? I agree with Ashelen sometimes there are crazy spam out there. I understand your feelings of doubt and they are completely normal. You will constantly rack your brain now. Do you have access to his phone bill and all that stuff? You could do some more mini investigating.

[megochick101]

I checked out the site, i didn't log in or anything, but it says on the home page, where you sign up that your password will be sent to your email address so you can log in for the first time. The user name is just his email address without the @yahoo.com part. Now this could just be a spam or not because that user id is the same thing he uses for everything. The email he received(he gets alerts on his phone for new emails and texts) could possibly be spam, but it could also be just a normal email from them.

I went and re checked the site and the options you choose on the sign up screen disturb me. it asks what you are looking for and here are the options: Erotic Email, Discreet Relationship, Erotic Photo Exchange, Just Naughty Fun....

So it's basically for sex and not for real dating.

Well i went through the sign up process and everything to see what email they will send me, if it will be the same or not. Well i had to actually create a profile and user name and blah blah blah, and then after doing so, the site tells me that my password will be sent to my email address and that the account will not be fully active until i get my password and log in for the first time.

Checked my email. It is exactly the same as what my husband received, so he had to have gone through created a profile and entered what he was looking for and all that, so that he could receive his password via email. I even tried just not entering profile info and just leaving it sit and waiting but they never sent an email until i included details(fake for me) about who i was and who i was looking for and then submitted my profile info.

So now i guess i know it's not just a spam email. He must have created an account and profile and the account is just waiting for him to log in again with the random password they send in the emails.

[megochick101]

oh and i have full access to everything of his, bank records, phone records credit card info, everything. When he went over seas, he put me on all his accounts as I would need to pay all the bills while he was away because he didn't have internet access to pay and the time zones were messed up, so I can check all that out.

I still have no idea what I am going to do. I'll try that general conversation starter form you specialmom, although with my husband i doubt it will go anywhere because he's not a big talker and it's hard to get him to come out and say what he thinks, at least that's how it is when in the past I have tried to have the big "let's talk" marriage conversations.

[specialmom]

Megochick .  you are a good detective.  With that information, I doubt it is a spam email as well.  Poop.  I would still try to wait until the kids aren't present to have the conversation . . . and deadly calm is very disarming to people.  A communication trick is to ask an open ended question and then stay silent.  It makes people very nervous and they often start rambling.  You can get a lot of extra information that way.  I have a habit when I'm ticked to go off and let it rip . . . when I'm quiet-----  my husband starts backpeddling and talking a lot because he is nervous by my reaction.  That is just an FYI and whatever way you handle it is going to be your way and right for you.  Men can be so stupid sometimes.  grrrr.

I also am not anti porn but this is the kind of thing that can happen . . . someone gets caught up in it and they start to have a hard time seperating themselves from it and think they want to go further with it or act it out.  Doesn't happen to everyone but when it does, it has bad consequences on their REAL relationships.

Good luck------  and peace.

[mami1323]

In my experience I have found that they won't be upfront and honest unless they have been caught in something. I tried having that heartfelt convo with my fiancé when I suspected him of cheating. I cried and asked him honestly if he was cheating. I said I felt something and I know we were a strong enough couple to work through it I just needed him to be honest with me. And even after that he still denied it. When he was caught though he had no choice but to sing like a canary. I have huge doubts your husband would come clean with you until you put the evidence down infront of him. If I were you I would wait and see if he logs in and what happens. I just don't get how he could be dumb enough to do all this using his real email while knowing you have his passwords. At least be creative and use a secondary email account. It makes me wonder if in a way he wants to get caught or something. When I caught my fiancé it was because he was locked up for having a suspended license and when my mom went to the precinct to  get the keys for the car he gave her his cell phone. I mean why do that, why not have the cops confiscate it? You have to know I would go through it and catch you. It was like he wanted to have it out in the open subconsciously. Maybe your husband is struggling with some dark demons and doesn't know how to get help and so he did this knowing you would catch him. I don't know maybe I'm reaching to far with this one. Hope you get some answers soon.

[megochick101]

I'm going to try once the kids are asleep and have a normal let's talk talk. Maybe i should try to just shut up and let him talk, because i'm usually the one who does all the talking and then he either agrees or disagrees. So i'll try that tonight, just to see if he'll give me any clue as to what the f*ck he thinks he's doing.

Mami, I completely see what you're saying. He used his regular everyday email address(he has 3 emails), which i have the passwords to ALL his accounts anyways(given to me freely by him when he went overseas) but on top of that idiocy he also used the email account that is linked with his blackberry phone, which both he and I know sends out alerts every time he gets a new email, and then when you just pull out the phone form the protector it opens the email right up as it's the last thing to come into the phone. Which incidental is how i saw the email. I didn't go snooping at all, his phone vibrated, i thought maybe someone was calling, took the phone out of the protector and up pops the email for the sex dating site saying welcome!

I'm mean how stupid can you be? Like i'm never going to see that? He frequently has me check the messages on the phone if it vibrates and he's on the computer or more than 3 feet away from it, so if he expected to hide it for long, I really married a moron.

Of course it does make me feel better that he obviously isn't the smartest at hiding things, because you bet after I saw that email, i checked out his text messages, his phone calls his other emails everything i could. I am not about to confront him with this with out checking through everything so i can be prepared as can be because knowing him(well men in general) I know he's not just going to spit out the truth if he thinks he can get away with it.

Ugh i guess i'm out of my sad phase and back to pissed. Now just got to calm down so I can just generally and unsuspiciously ask him if he thinks our marriage is going good and what i can change to make it better or what we both can do.

Oh and as a plus note, i decided to add a keystroke program to the computer, i'm not taking any chances here at all. He's not the only one who can be sneaky in this house

[GreeneyesAz]

I unfortunately experienced the same thing. I was going to talk to him right away because it was driving me crazy., A friend talked me down and since I has all the log in info, I would check it once a week for activity. He didn't have a profile picture but he had gone through all the trouble of answering all the stupid questions. Oh his was on match by the way. When I was checking it I noticed he had looked at and liked some profiles. So one day I told him one of my friends had found out her boyfriend was on a dating site. I casually asked him "would you ever do something like that"? He looked right at me and said "NO, I would never do that". It shocked me that it was so easy for him to lie to my face. I went back on the site and took screen shots of his profile and the activity and confronted him with the proof. At that point he had to tell the truth. He went on the site with me sitting there and deleted the account. I now check that and a few other sites every few months. These are actual dating sites. I didn't know there are ones for just sex. I'm not delusional he might very be on those. Have now idea where to even start looking with those types of sites.  

[specialmom]

Ugh, I'm really sorry!  That is really upsetting, I'm sure.  What was his explanation for getting on them, greeneyes?  Did he have any reason?  

[GreeneyesAz]

He said he didn't know why he did it. He was on the road and bored.

[specialmom]

Does this still haunt your relationship?  I'd have a hard time trusting after that.