I am deeply in love with another man

[nicoletta131]

Dear readers,
I am so glad I found this forum and I hope some of you will be honest and kind to give me some pieces of advice in this desperate situation.
I have been married to my husband for about one year, we have been together for 4 years before that. He is the world's sweetest person, but I have never felt a strong sexual attraction towards him, neither have I ever felt "crazy" in love with him. But I am deeply fond of him and I praise him for being really good to me. We have a strong bond and are good partners, although I sometimes feels it's very practical. And he has always been the one who has been crazy about me, not the othe way.

Due to some changes in my life I have become aware of some things in our marriage that do not work properly and that I am not able to change. For example the fact that early in our relationship I came into a pattern of allowing him to have sex with me without me having actually desired this. This has lasted for all our relationship. We are also very different as persons; I am very free as an individual, creative and free-spirited and deeply passionate. He, on the other hand, is more tranquil and practical. Often I also feel that between us there is no "click".

Some months ago I met another man that blew my off my feet. I am a highly moral person and I never even considered looking at other men. Nevertheless, this person caught my attention and I have never ever felt so attracted to a person in my whole life. It was like everything was perfect; we fit like a hand in a glove in every way. He really makes me shine and he loves the deepest parts of me. I feel so relaxed and well with him. I am deeply in love with him and for the first time in my life I have found something that I instinctly fell that I want to be father of my children. Totally incredible. I want to make a life change and live with this other person. I would leave everything in this instant to live in total love with him for the rest of my days. It's like nothing else matters. But my husband is the world's sweetest and the last thing I want to do it hurt him. On the other hand I do not feel that I can really love him. Now I feel that I never really did... Because this new guy totallt woke me up and showed me what love is.
What can I do? I want all the best for my husband. But I want to be happy as well.
I appreciate your honest answers. Thank you so much.

[brice1967]

I'd like to expend a little on the above, if I may.  Essentially you and your husband have been together for 5 years total.  I believe you mentioned that you were "never had a strong sexual feeling for him" and that "you never felt in love with him."  Not to sound rude, but if you didn't have those things, why did you marry?  Were you running from a bad situation?

Perhaps it is as simple as you and your husband are simply not compatible.  I imagine it happens.  I think you really need to look at the reasons why you are leaving your husband.  I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself. (I mentioned that above.)  

Do you just want out of your marriage?
What can this guy provide that your husband can't?  
You married for a reason... what was that reason?
What is happiness to you?
What is love to you?

[lizzie839]

Hi Nicoletta, I guess you have to ask yourself what you really value in love. I chose the safe, secure option as opposed to the sparks and passion. Perhaps your ideas on love have changed and you are wanting more in your relationship. It is sad that you never got to experience the sparks and passion and I myself can completely relate to your situation. I have been with my husband for 12 years (married for two) and have never felt deeply in love or connected with him. I have been in love with another man for 6 years, a friend of his. I had counselling and tried to get over him although I don't think I really ever will. We have never been intimately involved although I feel the feelings were reciprocated until a couple of years ago when he met his current partner who I think is wonderful and he now deeply loves. So basically I missed the boat. I could have ended my marriage years ago when things weren't working out between us and then been with this man but I chose to stay because of fear of rejection, hurt and the vulnerability of being so in love with someone. I also loved my husband deeply as a friend. And I don't regret it but I feel very sad and disappointed that I am not with someone I feel deep love for. However that is the trade off for feeling in control and secure. Sounds ******-up, and yes it is unfortunately. I don't cope well with heart-ache. If you are prepared to take a risk and lose everything for this man then separate from your husband and take some time to see how you still feel. If the other man loves you he will wait. What is the situation now?

[unfolding]

I am in a similar situation but have thought about seeing a therapist and separating to sought myself out

[shamommy]

I agree with brice

[specialmom]

Hi guys, this post is over a year old.  If you would like an answer to a question. please post your own for people to take a look at.  Thanks!

[crissycarib]

I am in a similar situation. What did you end up doing?

[TiwanaSherrie]

I am in a similar situation... It would be nice to share my thoughts... I'm so confused... We are late to this post, but maybe we can start another...