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I feel like a psychopath im so obsesive

my bf broke up with me last october , i struggle with mental health problems since a young child and last year i took it too bad spent a week in ICU and a total of 6 months in 2 diffrent psych hospitals... ever since he left ive been really obsesive over him... ive made up over 200 fale snapchat and facebook and insta accounts just to contact him , ive targeted his mother and friends too and broke up 2 relationships he was in since... ive been arrested over being at his house at 2 am breaking the door to get in and attacked him and his mam.. im suppose to get a forensic assessment because of him but that wont be till next year... ( idk what a forensic assessment even is tbh ) i feel like im posessed or something when it comes to him , Like i will go out of my way to get to him... im angry im in rage im jelous and upset and its nearly a year and its still going on... i have been like this similar with my last 2 ex bfs too but none of my past doctors will do or say anything about it and its killing me...  I dont want to be like this i jist dont know whats going on and i still feel like killing myself over this
8 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
So, you have prioritize what you work on here.  Your mental health is the first priority.  If you are suicidal, you need to be working with a psychiatrist and therapist!    It's clear that your mental health is impacting your choices with regards to this ex boyfriend. Your activity would constitute as stalking. Which is illegal.  You need to be working with a professional and please go to the ER if you are considering harming yourself.
1 Comments
When i got discharged from hospital in march i was referred to my local mental health team , and so far ive only had 3 appointments.. 1 with an Occupational therapist and 1 with a psych ( who spent barely 15 mins with me and told me ill see you in 3 months time) and the first app was just kind of an assessment to see what would suit me...  but they are crap and i know ive only been there 3 times so far but those 3 times when i came out i just cried the whole way home because I felt so helpless
134578 tn?1614729226
I agree with specialmom about your mental health being your first priority and working with mental-health professionals, not just a doctor. You don't want to get arrested, but even more important, you want peace of mind. Don't shy away if one of your therapists suggests medication, it can help.

Another thing that sometimes helps is to realize that the thing you are stalking is not the real relationship as it was with your ex-boyfriend, but a mental image you made up in your head of the relationship. It probably never was what you say to yourself now that it was, this thing you are chasing is a fantasy of a perfect relationship that you made up yourself. Sometimes it really helps, when you need to let go, if you remember that what you are letting go of is not a real thing, it's a story that you made up yourself. It can make you feel in control  to remember that the image of the relationship is really just a story that was one's own invention. That's not really so hard, since you wrote the storybook you can turn away from it.

Good luck!
3 Comments
can you please read my response ^^^ btw they wont put me on any meds because they say “ you dont need them , and of we put you on any meds atm they wont be anyway beneficial to you”... And they also said on my forst appointment that they cant help me with all this over my ex boyfriend that i need to be referred to a completely diffrent clinic for it and this forensic assessment
You've said "ive targeted his mother and friends too and broke up 2 relationships he was in since./ ive been arrested over being at his house at 2 am breaking the door to get in and attacked him and his mam.. im suppose to get a forensic assessment because of him but that wont be till next year...

The reason for the forensic assessment is because you have a criminal record for breaking in and attacking your ex and his mom.  The forensic assessment is not, however, "because of him", it's because of your actions and yours alone. You've used the word "psychopath" probably because you feel no remorse or accountability for your actions? is that the way it is?
I never got charged when i got arrested , and i feel like a psychopath cuz i feel like im beyond ******* crazy and im so frustrated i dont know whats wrong with me and no one will give me an answer or even sit down and think for 5 mins why im being like this
3060903 tn?1398565123
I'm sorry that you are in such mental anguish LIlly. You've said that you were in 2 Psych Units for a total of 6 months. Can you share what you did learn about your condition from the professionals working with you in the Psych Wards?  Can you share what your diagnosis was as a child and then, as an adult?
2 Comments
Forensic mental health services provide assessment and treatment of people with a mental disorder and a history of criminal offending, or those who are at risk of offending. ... Their state of mind at the time of the offence. Their current need for mental health treatment.
the first ward i was in was an adults ward ( i was still just 17) i was on a special , i was in there due to bwing suicidal it was a public hospital so i basically spent my whole time lying in bed with 2 nurses with me till i was discharged , i couldnt mix with other patients because i was a minor and i couldnt do any theraphy at all there either , my second admission after i went 18 ( last october ) i was in a diffrent hospital a private one called st patricks and i was in for the a serious overdose , i spent 5 weeks there and was discharged , diring my time there i had a routine from being up at 8 am for breakfast and having diffrent therapy during the day till around 4pm each day... I found the place very helpful and thought i was back on my feet once i got discharged but 10 days after i got discharged i got re admitted again over another OD in november and from november till this march was hell, my psych not once focused on the issue that had brought me into hospital let alone mention it,  he was more focused on what i was doing while i was on weekend leave ect , i found him very unpleasant and unprofessional not just with me but other girls on my ward aswell had the same issues..  When i was in CAMHS i got diagnosed at 15 with Adhd that they suspected i had since a young child , I also have been diagnosed with ODD and Bpd and severe anxiety and ptsd when i was 13.  They never went into dept with me and any of my conditions and my psych had even said to me in one appointment with him when we were talking about my meds ( i asked would he put up my abilify ) he said if i need it up that its not beneficial to me and that medication wouldnt work for me , i got really upset and felt so bad afterwards. On one weekend leave i got arrested after a fight woth my ex and i got brought straight back to the ward ( 2 hours away from home) around 4am and the next day was seen by him. i explained to him what happened ( i was delusional during this time shouting that i must die or my ex must die but he cant die so i have to die  all over the ward ) He decided to move me from my open ward downstairs to a special care unit for a week until i had calmed down which did help but also did affect me alot and still does.  once i got out of special care i was in another ward called dean swift which is another high security ward but you have abit more freedom you can have ur phone , be let off the ward once a nurse is with you ect spent another week there and finally got moved back to my own ward.  I was then put on an alcohol and drugs dependency program for 4 weeks which i thought wasnt sutible for me because it was completely irrelevant at the time as i didnt have any issues woth drink/drugs. he got so consumed in getting me to attend and every session with him jist ended in tears because i needed help with understanding whats going on with me , why its happening , how to i stop it or help improve it and he was so caught up in me attenting this program that i ended up refusing it and discharged myself 2 weeks later because i just couldnt take it in there anymore
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
so, when I read your full story, I can appreciate your long journey you've been on.  I think you still have quite a ways to go for healthier mental health and life.  the ex is something you have fixated on.  

You have to address YOU.  I think you need to continue working with a professional -- psychiatrist, psychologist.  I don't quite understand the addiction treatment program unless 'someone' thought it applied to you.  Sometimes it is hard to see your own problems.  But that you've been suicidal and are showing some unstable tendencies in the stalking behavior or your ex, I worry. Take it seriously, reach out for help and get back into treatment.  
4 Comments
i am in treatment but since march ive only been sees 3 times by a psychiatrist ( only seen once ) and twice by an OT. Ive asked my mam last night to bring me down to the public psych hospital so they can do the forensic assessment on me and once i get results for that  depending on the results ill then hopefully be able to go back into the private clinics. because so far i hate the public clinic i feel like jist because im 19 they dont take me seriously
I think given the things you are doing in your daily life, they will take you seriously.  This is all VERY serious and could get dangerous to yourself and possibly others.  Let us know what the assessment reveals and we'll go from there!
So far ive heard nothing about the assessment they are suppose to refer me to but im going to see if i can get it done next week down in the public psych ward so its just a waiting game for now
Okay.  Well keep yourself busy doing productive things until then and please let us know how it goes.  Don't try to get in touch with the ex or anything related to him!  
Avatar universal
I was actually in a similar situation to a lesser degree - I think I have BPD, I got really obsessive over two friends I had crushes on who didn't like me back to the point where I was putting myself in danger so they'd pay attention to me, then they cut off contact with me and blocked me. Afterwards I would follow them around and obsess over them and go to places I knew they were so I could stare at them, made a ton of fake accounts to try to talk to them and see what they were doing, drive past their house, etc. It was really bad and I still haven't fully recovered eight months after they cut off contact with me. There isn't an easy solution for this unfortunately. I went to therapy and it didn't help at all. I'd have no impulse control and would still stalk them no matter what my therapist said. She had given me anxiety meds beforehand but they didn't help with this either. And the therapy techniques she taught me didn't matter because I didn't care enough to try them. The only thing that worked is giving them time. After eight months, one of the two guys is talking to me again and I no longer feel the need to stalk him. The other one isn't but having one guy back is helping me not stalk the other one. I didn't actually stop stalking the first guy before he decided to talk to me again a few days ago but I did it in such a discrete way that he couldn't tell I was doing it anymore. So as bad as it sounds, your best solution is to only do digital stalking that they can't track. Like, make the fake Facebook accounts to see what the ex is doing, but never do anything in person to stalk him. In person stalking is detectable and is only going to drive him further away. Hopefully over time you can wean yourself off of the digital stalking and maybe he'll come back to you. Good luck. Let me know if you want to talk.
Avatar universal
You might want to try a local sex and love addicts anonymous group. It helps with obsession in relationships and past relationships but go to a women's only chapter because they focus more on what you're experiencing. It's sort of a kind of addictive behavior.
2 Comments
I didn't know they have that kind of group.  Is that common?  I know some therapists will do therapy for it but wasn't aware of an AA type of thing specifically for this issue.  Is there a name for a national organization?
They dont have any of those type of groups where i am.  Like i have settled down now but every now and then hes on my mind and if im in town i go to places he would be just to see if hes around.
Avatar universal
It seems you are saying that all this behavior is going on in spite of yourself. As if you are not responsible for it. Face up to it, you are the one doing these things. You only have to put yourself in the position of all these boyfriends. If somebody was doing this to you, I think you would run a mile. It certainly defeats the object. With regard to psychopathy - please look this up in the dictionary or online. You will then see that this has nothing to do with psychopathy at all. This behavior is totally unacceptable and not something a mature person would indulge in.
1 Comments
I knownim not a psychopath but i dont know what this is... its not something i can just drop and leave at the door step. My past doctor put it down to my bpd  but its been something that has increased over the past few years , each break up would become more extreme
Avatar universal
I have read this thread again just in case I was being too harsh in my first answer. No. I don't think so. You have had a great deal of support on here, but when you say none of the 'professionals' believe you or can help you, don't you think that this is not a mental health issue but a behavioral one? There really are no pills or potions to control one's behavior. As for private hospitals - they are in business for profit.

You did give yourself away, though. In the middle of all your diagnoses you added BPD. I assume you are referring to Borderline Personality Disorder. If this is the case, it stands to reason that you would indulge in such extreme behavior as the cardinal symptom of borderline personality disorder is attachment difficulties. Abandonment is a major issue. So if you feel abandoned by these bfs, you feel compelled to over-react. However, apart from anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications,  there really is nothing in pill form that can help. Psychiatrists often find it very hard to treat this condition.

You will have to accept what these professionals have told you. The best advice I can give you is to go to see a behavioral therapist. I hope you will find somebody in a professional capacity to help you overcome this. Otherwise, this will be a life-long problem.
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