Do I stay or Do I go

[AmyMarie55]

I really dont know what Im asking... I guess I just have thoughts on my mind and just want to let them out..  My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He has two children who are 10 and 14 and We recently have a 10month old baby. I am 21 years of age and he is 34 years of age. We have always had a great relationship with lots and lots of laughes.... but.. I feel like there are a few problems and unsure if they are worth ending our relationship or causing a huge fuss.... He has so many great thngs about him. He loves me and i know that.. and I know I can trust him and he trys his best to provide for us and do anything to make me happy. He lacks emotions and I am a person who needs that emotion and though he has come along way in 2 years I am unsure if its enough... which sounds selfish. I like to be kiss passionaitly and he just always pecks me.. NO MATTER what..... I've asked him and he says he doesnt like tounging.. and I said ok but u can kiss without doing that and it doesnt go anywhere.. Our sex life has been great when we have sex..... I guess I have a higer sex drive then him..  My main problem is... when we fight he gets nasty and doesnt wanna talk and he thinks its ok NOT to talk about things.. he says no everyone needs to talk.. But I think in a relationship u need commucation for it to work and I am the only one commucating and then he feels its always his fault and its always one sided and I explain to him that it is somewhat one sided because he never express's his side and I cant change what I dont know.. etc.. he doesnt talk he just screams and yells or walks away etc.. We fight like once a month but its always the same fight.... I just dont know.. I love him and we have a great life and I love our little family... but I feel like Im missing something.. I am unsure what it is..., but I feel like there is something missing... is it me looking to hard or expecting too much... or am I not so crazy I have No idea lol.. Love isnt enough to hold a relationship together....thoughts??????

[AmyMarie55]

UPDATE:. colin and i broke up august 2009.

[Judy246]

Yeap...I think you are a classy lady and he needs to respect and appreciate you. No too many people can handle our straight forwardness here, but you never lashed out and you are one classy lady...Judy

[teko]

I would just like to say, it is so refreshing, your attitude I mean. You stated your delemma, you let us all give our opinions, some of which are hard to swallow Im sure, yet you did not lash out!  You have listened to all that posted and handled it in such a classy way!  I truly hope things work out for you,

Thankyou!
Linda

[AmyMarie55]

I was confused by your comment. Why would I "tie the knot" if I am in doubt? The age really has nothing to do with our situation. His temper does.. And I have dated people me age and the temper thing is in all ages. But I thank you for taking the time to read my question.

[jo929]

he has lived a lot longer and been around more than you, and if you are in doubt now just wait before you tie the knot.  luck  jo

[Judy246]

IWe're proud of you. You are on the right track and are smart with your thinking...keep us informed how you are coming along.

[AmyMarie55]

I am very happy the kids have never seen nor heard any of this.. but yes he is a ticking time bomb and he knows how I feel yet he still does it... which hurts the most.. I tell him if he keeps doing it Ill leave.. and I guess you shouldnt give a threat unless you mean it so next time he takes it too far,,,, I will leave.... maybe it will be awake up call for him.. and if he wants to work things out i will be open ears.. because he needs to start talking.. etc... life is way too short to have petty fights.. thank you for ur comments!

[Judy246]

Also, I have a problem with him slamming the door in your face when angry and throwing or slaming things around. To be honest with you, as I said earlier, he is a walking time bomb and it will be a matter of time, before he can throw something at you and if he stated that he will not hurt you, but will hurt you emotionally, he is inside your mind and he knows it. He knows how to manipulate you mentally and emotionally, so now that you are aware of it, my question to you is what are you going to do about this abusive behavior. You don't want the kids to witness this, and I it's positive that you  both agree not to display abusive behavior around the kids, but something has to change soon.

[iam1butterfly]

Some people see demonstrations of love, affection and tenderness as a sign of weakness; and view aggression and hostility as strength. Perhaps, the man in your life espouses this this form of faulty thinking.
Anyway, it's obvious that he's frustrated about something (and, it's not you!) and has major emotional problems in addition to having control issues. But, it's really difficult, if not impossible, to reason with someone who's like this... I suspect that you have already arrived at this conclusion.  
Describe to him the turmoil and the emotional toll that his behavior is having on you and emphasis how it's undermining your relationship.
Then, strongly suggest couple's counseling... because the situation that you're in is way beyond a communication problem. Good luck!

[AmyMarie55]

Thank you guys for your response.  I am in a hard place right now.. We have an amazing family!!! I love his kids as if they were my own.. And they see that way as well and Our little 10month old just completes it all... I am not asking to spend hours talking on end... or making out.. I am asking for contact that shows some emotion or words or actions... and I am asking him to talk our problems out rather then fighting I AM NOT a fighter and if we r gonna fight well there better be something getting solved or its just a waste. I dont enjoy going out to bars or partying or anything like that... My mother takes the 10month everymonth for 5 days and the other two are old enough they go to sleep overs and their grandmother lives in town so.. they love going there.. so when we have time to our selfs.. we enjoy staying in having a bbq etc and watching a movie and I love it... I just wish I could express how im feeling without him thinking its his fault.. or... starting a fight,... I tell him my faults.. and I admit when it is my fault... he keeps everyting inside and then he blows up and Im there like when did this all happen.. I tell him to tell me when I **** him off.. I like is straight forward,.. but now with all the added swears etc.... anyways.. We have alot to work on as you all can see. and I am so happy for all of ur imput... Yes I was 19 when I entered this relationship but i chose that and I know there is an age difference but.. it really doesnt seem to be one when u see us..  its like Im more developed emotionally then he is.. He says Im the first girl he was truely inlove with.. His marriage was.. well his mothers doing. he got her pregnant and they got married etc....  So weather he has the emotions Im asking for I dont know...  but he has no desire to try and see.. and he is content being alone etc... anyways Im rumbling... People always judge the age difference but his kids look at me as a step-mom and listen and love me.. as I love them.. Im frustrated that I found this guy that I love and we share so many laughes and get along so well and have many interests but we lack in a department that affects all of them... and I wish he knew it isnt just me.. that woman need to not just be told but to be shown they are loved...   and name calling leads to being... alone

[mami1323]

Funny he sounds like the younger one here...lol.  It's more than lack of communication with you two, it's complete disrespect from him.  I don't care how angry you are at each other, there should be a limit to what is being said.  You can be mad but yet still agree to disagree and never get to that ugly place where you are throwing insults back and forth.  What does that ever resolve?  I'm guilty of it and so is my fiance.  We've been so bad that we would just fire away at each other and try to hurt one another.  It was horrible the way we were treating one another.  We now try to take some space to cool off if we ever feel ourselves getting to that scary place.  If you choose to stay with him, you will have to learn how to deal with him when you feel like the argument is going to turn into a UFC battle with words.  Because I don't think he's going to bend for you.

[teko]

You are in two different worlds. You still like makin out, talking for hours on end, etc. He on the otherhand has evolved past that. It is very hard for two people to grow together and not apart in any relationship. You say you have been together 2 years, making you 19 and him 32? You have a 10 mo old together and he has two previously and they are pre-teen? Oh sweetie! Good luck!

Any verbal abuse in a romantic relationship should be a red flag to all. Lack of communication is the key to a successful relationship. As I said,

Good Luck

[AmyMarie55]

Commucation isnt there in our relationship and yes when he is mad... Im all but a piece of dirt to him and he does it over and over.. He gets mad.. says something terrible.. walks away.. comes back expects me to say something and when I dont gets upset says more terribe stuff.. and then either slams things etc... or gets even more upset....... somehow it always gets turned around on me.... If i talk to him.. Im talking down to him.. he thinks.. cause hes upset and IM not... if I go after him i get a door in the face etc... We NEVER fight infront of the children ever!!! if we are upset we either fake smile.. or just dont talk at all... We dont believe in fighting infront of the kids atleast verbally.. He sees me crying my eyes out... and he doesnt seem to care.... after a few hours he comes in and trys to cuddle me.. either i give in.. and everyhting is "ok" or I dont let him and he says oh well I tried etc.... Im stuck.. I love him and we have a wonderful time together but these 2 things.. is slowly killing my want to... try..

[mami1323]

So there is more issues in the relationship than just the communication problems.  Verbal abuse is abuse and it can destroy someone's self esteem.  In all honesty, this is who he is and if he can't see how hurtful he is to you and doesn't take responsibility for the way he mistreats you, then he won't change.  I believe there is so much a person can take before they do decide to leave that type of situation.  Without him wanting to acknowledge the abuse he gives, he will continue until you have had enough.  I for one would not want my child to witness this type of behavior.  Either your child will repeat his abuse in his future relationship or your child will endure it.  I don't think you would want that.  

[AmyMarie55]

I have expressed to him that when he is upset to not call me those names that it not only hurts me inside but they stay with me and that one day he will call me sometime that I just wont be able to forgive.. His words "When Im upset at you, I cannot ever nor would I never hurt you physically therefore I hurt you emotionally".. I told him that he should never purposely hurt me... ever.... His mother is the coldest thing in the world and his dad is really nice ( they are seperated) but,... I dont know.. He just doesnt see the big deal and I sit there and tell him why and he thinks... its just me.. he thinks I dont think people should say that and I tell him its not just me.. its people in general and he thinks ok in AMYS world.... I dont know... I can talk my head off... verbal he abuses and I know that and he knows that and he has gotten better but not good enough..

[Judy246]

Did you know that if a man under anger calls you every name in the book has the potential of under anger physically hurt you. It possible that one day he could lose it to that extreme, so tell him that you want him to stop under anger disrespecting you as a person by calling you offensive names. That's unexceptable and don't take it...ok. You might not be able to change him, but you can change yourself on how you want to be treated and respected.

[mami1323]

My fiancé is the same way, lacks affection but shows our son the most affection ever.  I love it but sometimes get a little jealous.  Like how come he can’t love me like that?  He actually gets annoyed if I want to cuddle sometimes.  So I know he’s capable of showing love, it’s just difficult for him to show it to me.  He grew up with abuse from his father and barely any love. The one person who did show him love (his mom), died 5 years ago.  I think that had changed him, made him colder.  He has moments of extreme love and caring towards me and then poof it’s gone just as quick.  We have been in couples counseling for almost a year and he’s made tons of changes as far as the affection goes.  I mean I would like it more but I’ve also learned that it’s not me.  Just like Judy says.  It’s their problem with it.  I just know that if I love him and want to stay with him I have to accept him for him.  People only change if they want to and there are other qualities I adore about him.  We just have to tweak the relationship a bit so that we both are happy.  Hope that helps.

[Judy246]

By the way...there is absolutely nothing wrong with you!

[AmyMarie55]

Everyone: Thank you for your response. I love him and we have a great time together.. My friends and family always said I acted older then what I was and therefore they always knew I would be with an older man lol.. Though he is my first older man. Every relationship I have had has lasted 2 years or more.. and only one stays out.. and that held alot of passion and I think I just want the same passion in our relationship that i once had....  The commucation is big for me.. He will call me every name in the book and walk away or slam things but wont just sit there and talk.... He is a great dad and shows alot of emotion when it comes to them which I love!! I just wish he could also show that emotion towards our relationship.. He says hes always been like this and he wont change.. he had a failed marriage and I hate to say it but I see why.. even though I am sure they both played a part in it (her sleeping with someone else etc)... I dont want to break our family up at all.. and I dont think it is worth breaking up over.. I just wish he showed he cared.. he thinks by saying it and me knowing it he doesnt ever have to show it!!! and it hurts.. I love him with all my heart.. and he says he does... I just wish.. his actions betrayed what he says.. Actions speak louder then words....

[mami1323]

I think the problem here is that you are still very young and may feel like there is something better out there.  There may be and there may not be.  Most men are the way your boyfriend is.  They lack emotion, they lack affection, they have trouble opening up and communicating.  You may see the same thing in your next relationship.  You have grown up very fast.  He’s a lot older than you and has lived life, you are just beginning and maybe you feel a bit tied down, hence the feeling like you are missing something.  You haven’t experienced much yet.  The thing now is, it’s not just you and him, you share a child.  So the decisions you make in life will effect your child as well.  You can’t just say I want to move on and do what I want to do.  You have the happiness of your child to think about.  Doesn’t mean you HAVE to be with him but if the only problems in your relationship are the ones you stated, it’s not that bad.  You have the most important things going for you, love, trust, commitment, the only thing you need to work on is communication.  Which I agree, is extremely important.  These issues can be resolved through couples counseling.  He may not agree to it but if you express to him how you’ve been feeling then perhaps he will work harder at trying to keep you happy so you can remain a happy family.  Don’t give up so easily, if you love him the way you say you do, you will work on making this work.  But you have got to want to do it.

[Judy246]

Hi, men and women are light night and day when it comes to emotions. We have them and men although they don't want to admit have them hide there somewhere (lol).

I have never heard of a man not wanting to french kiss. That is very unusual and to me a turn off. I can't imagine wanting to have a great big passionet kiss without a little tongue action...that would be very boring and turn off. Also, I'm concern that he does not like to talk about problems. He is not confrontational about arguements, but he sounds like he can be a walking time bomb waiting to explode. I don't doubt his love for you at all and I don't think this issue is worth breaking off your relationship, so start to "marinate" him.
When he is in the mood, then ask what you want him to do. I know it's easier said than done, but if he doesn't satisfy you emotionally, you are headed for arguments.

Maybe he's just not the warm and fuzzy type and we (most women) are. I have a sister who lacks emotions and is not warm and fuzzy and her children suffered as a result, getting all their lovin from me and my other sisters. Also, maybe in the past he had a bad relationship experience that left him scared or traumatized. I don't see the age difference as a problem. You have a choice to communicate your concerns, wants and needs (marinate him (lol)), accept him as he is or if it's just not working out for you, re-evaluate your relationship.  I really don't see him doing anything wrong, with the exception that he lacks emotions and is not warm and fuzzy.  Good Luck