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Initial Stage of Dating a Tow Truck Driver With a 13-year-old Guardianship Situation
My brain is perplexed and so looking for a sounding board.
Met someone who is widowed 5 years now and has guardianship of a 13 soon to be 14-year-old boy. He is the grandfather and the mother is out of state with the father not in the picture since he was young.
So I raised two sons who are doing outstanding, I must say, and I do enjoy children of all ages, so the fact that he has this young man is fine with me.
Well, this guy has a job as a tow truck driver and is on call 24/7 with maybe, maybe one day off a week. This job has been going on for about 3 years. The man and boy have developed a way to survive when he has to be away but it has been, as you can imagine, not a healthy situation. Could elaborate but not right now. So the boy is likeable but he sometimes doesn't always tell the truth, hides important info, if told not to do something when an adult is not around, he'll do it anyways, so more or less he's testing the boundaries all the time. I have found that the man, who is now 50, also at times doesn't tell the truth and hides things rather than being straight up.
So after only a few weeks I have learned a lot. Been on family outings and it's not been like a "normal" dating situation where he asks me out to go somewhere, just us two.
Told him last night that I don't want to just hang out, that I wanted to spend time doing what couples do to get to know one another, that his work schedule I know doesn't allow for that, cannot plan anything and so it doesn't look promising, that maybe we should date other people, which he said then it sounded like the relationship is off. I tend to agree that it would be best early on to read the signs and move on. Our relationship has been 90 percent about him and his life and 10 of mine, if that. So it seems he's got needs and I'd have to fit into what they have going and try to make things better for them. I am a doer and made a good home for my boys as a single mom. I have it in me. Just feels like too much to take on.
So what is my question anyhow?
I just want to receive feedback from anyone who cares to remark.
Thanks.
Met someone who is widowed 5 years now and has guardianship of a 13 soon to be 14-year-old boy. He is the grandfather and the mother is out of state with the father not in the picture since he was young.
So I raised two sons who are doing outstanding, I must say, and I do enjoy children of all ages, so the fact that he has this young man is fine with me.
Well, this guy has a job as a tow truck driver and is on call 24/7 with maybe, maybe one day off a week. This job has been going on for about 3 years. The man and boy have developed a way to survive when he has to be away but it has been, as you can imagine, not a healthy situation. Could elaborate but not right now. So the boy is likeable but he sometimes doesn't always tell the truth, hides important info, if told not to do something when an adult is not around, he'll do it anyways, so more or less he's testing the boundaries all the time. I have found that the man, who is now 50, also at times doesn't tell the truth and hides things rather than being straight up.
So after only a few weeks I have learned a lot. Been on family outings and it's not been like a "normal" dating situation where he asks me out to go somewhere, just us two.
Told him last night that I don't want to just hang out, that I wanted to spend time doing what couples do to get to know one another, that his work schedule I know doesn't allow for that, cannot plan anything and so it doesn't look promising, that maybe we should date other people, which he said then it sounded like the relationship is off. I tend to agree that it would be best early on to read the signs and move on. Our relationship has been 90 percent about him and his life and 10 of mine, if that. So it seems he's got needs and I'd have to fit into what they have going and try to make things better for them. I am a doer and made a good home for my boys as a single mom. I have it in me. Just feels like too much to take on.
So what is my question anyhow?
I just want to receive feedback from anyone who cares to remark.
Thanks.
Hi everyone.
I wrote again on the abuse forum just now. Since you all wrote re my first post (thank you) wanted to apprise you of my new one.
REPORT OF CHILD ABUSE TO AUTHORITIES WITH NO CHARGES FILED???
I wrote again on the abuse forum just now. Since you all wrote re my first post (thank you) wanted to apprise you of my new one.
REPORT OF CHILD ABUSE TO AUTHORITIES WITH NO CHARGES FILED???
Thank you all for your insightful thoughts!
Trusting one's instincts is a good thing.
Came across this site recently and am glad to have written since it helps to air thoughts and concerns and hearing others' views. We all walk one path and have set of experiences. Nice to cross paths with you on this level. :)
Will say too that in order to build a relationship it takes of course more than just wanting everything my way but was just seeing so much of an imbalance to where I would have to give up so much of me to make a go of it. Tried once before to go down that path and was unhappy.
It may be possible to remain in the boy's life and continue to take him fishing swimming and to the coast to have adventures together which have done on my own w/o man about 8 times now. The grandfather says it is fine. However the boy lately is not being responsible re school and has some issues with respecting authority and so not sure how to proceed. The man and I did discuss not to date so glad that's over. Life goes on. :)
Again truly appreciate you taking time to share your thoughts.
HUG!!!
Trusting one's instincts is a good thing.
Came across this site recently and am glad to have written since it helps to air thoughts and concerns and hearing others' views. We all walk one path and have set of experiences. Nice to cross paths with you on this level. :)
Will say too that in order to build a relationship it takes of course more than just wanting everything my way but was just seeing so much of an imbalance to where I would have to give up so much of me to make a go of it. Tried once before to go down that path and was unhappy.
It may be possible to remain in the boy's life and continue to take him fishing swimming and to the coast to have adventures together which have done on my own w/o man about 8 times now. The grandfather says it is fine. However the boy lately is not being responsible re school and has some issues with respecting authority and so not sure how to proceed. The man and I did discuss not to date so glad that's over. Life goes on. :)
Again truly appreciate you taking time to share your thoughts.
HUG!!!
Ditto SpecialMom.
You've done precisely what We All should do in considering a Partner:
You've looked at the situation with eyes wide open and You're giving good thought to Your observations. Sure, it helps a relationship if We are attracted to SomeOne, but sometimes (often) "love" is not "enough". Love is a choice and we should choose wisely. You're a wise Woman.
If it "feels like too much to take on" well, then it is.
Good Luck
You've done precisely what We All should do in considering a Partner:
You've looked at the situation with eyes wide open and You're giving good thought to Your observations. Sure, it helps a relationship if We are attracted to SomeOne, but sometimes (often) "love" is not "enough". Love is a choice and we should choose wisely. You're a wise Woman.
If it "feels like too much to take on" well, then it is.
Good Luck
Hi also, when a person loves someone, even a few moments together are a glorious celebration. Hes 50, lost his wife and learned alot about life and has a life style that now suits him. The one good thing about him is that he knows what he wants and if he wants you, a sit down talk with him about your concerns should not be an issue but might take some time and female charm on your part to bring it about.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome. well, you are smart enough to know that life with this man would have great drawbacks. And on his time off or down time from the job, that he should probably give ALL of that to his son rather than be dating. Sounds like his boy could use that time with his father.
I dated someone once who was a professional musician. He played in a successful band and that included going out of town for gigs or having gigs in town. His work schedule included set up, playing until 2 am and tear down if it was the last night of the gig. He then would eat something and go to bed and sleep in. I was a professional woman with a day job. Our schedules didn't jive and therefore, I broke it off. Our lifestyles didn't match which is a key component to finding someone that is a good person to date long term.
So, I think absolutely this isn't a good situation for you to continue in.
It does make me really sad for the boy though. He sure could use a great person in his life to make it better. A mom who doesn't care enough to live near him (very sad and causes great emotional distress in kids no matter what the excuse is that the mom chooses to do this. These kids do typically end up with a lot of emotional baggage from this and mental health issues that need to be addressed as they get older.), a dad not in the picture at all, and lives with a grandfather that has a job not conducive to any type of family life. Kids of his age need support and structure. He's really not getting that and that is really a heart breaker.
But this is reality. And this is your life. And you have to do what is best for you! I think you've made a wise decision over all. peace
I dated someone once who was a professional musician. He played in a successful band and that included going out of town for gigs or having gigs in town. His work schedule included set up, playing until 2 am and tear down if it was the last night of the gig. He then would eat something and go to bed and sleep in. I was a professional woman with a day job. Our schedules didn't jive and therefore, I broke it off. Our lifestyles didn't match which is a key component to finding someone that is a good person to date long term.
So, I think absolutely this isn't a good situation for you to continue in.
It does make me really sad for the boy though. He sure could use a great person in his life to make it better. A mom who doesn't care enough to live near him (very sad and causes great emotional distress in kids no matter what the excuse is that the mom chooses to do this. These kids do typically end up with a lot of emotional baggage from this and mental health issues that need to be addressed as they get older.), a dad not in the picture at all, and lives with a grandfather that has a job not conducive to any type of family life. Kids of his age need support and structure. He's really not getting that and that is really a heart breaker.
But this is reality. And this is your life. And you have to do what is best for you! I think you've made a wise decision over all. peace
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