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My husband lied to me since the start of our relationship - what do I do?
When I met my husband, he was a smoker. When he asked me to move in with him, I told him I wouldn't do that until he quit smoking. A week later he told me he quit and moved in with him. Three years later, we got married and I had never seen him smoke once. Now, five years into our marriage, I found out from a mutual acquaintance that he never quit smoking - he just doesn't do it around me. There had been a few times within those 8 years that he smelled like smoke so I asked him if he was and he told me he had been around one of his friends (who does smoke). That made sense to me, so I accepted that answer. When the mutual acquaintance told me he never quit, I went through our house and vehicles for evidence and found a pack of cigarettes and several receipts for cigarettes. I then confronted him (not telling him yet of what I had found) and already knowing the answer, I asked him again if he was smoking. He looked me straight in the eyes and told me no. I asked if he ever had a cigarette within the past year and he again lied straight to my face and told me no. Then I pulled out the cigarettes and receipts and told him I talked to people that smoked with him. At that point he finally admitted to smoking and that he had never actually quit. I felt like the rug had been pulled out from underneath me - he had been lying to me since the very beginning of our relationship. He played me for a fool. He had so many chances within those 8 years to come clean with me and to ask me for help, but he chose to lie to me and hide everything from me. He didn't have enough respect for me (or our relationship) to just tell the truth. I feel that the one person that you should be able to trust 100% is your spouse. Now I sit and wonder....can I ever trust him again? Will I be able to believe anything he tells me from now on? I have no respect for him anymore. I also do not feel the same as I used to about him anymore.
I spoke to a counselor who told me that without trust, there is no basis for a relationship. She encouraged me to separate from him to figure out what I wanted. Is this the right thing to do? I took my vows very seriously and feel like I should work on this. But on the other hand, I don't want to have to question everything he tells me from now on and that I should just cut my losses and move on to someone that has enough respect for me to not lie to me. Please help me!
I spoke to a counselor who told me that without trust, there is no basis for a relationship. She encouraged me to separate from him to figure out what I wanted. Is this the right thing to do? I took my vows very seriously and feel like I should work on this. But on the other hand, I don't want to have to question everything he tells me from now on and that I should just cut my losses and move on to someone that has enough respect for me to not lie to me. Please help me!
I am completely torn up about this and came here in total desperation looking for helpful advice. To those of you who offered advice...thank you so much! Your advice has already made me rethink things.
To those of you who chose to bash and criticize me, that was not only not helpful but also hurtful. I am truly going through a very difficult time in my life and your choice of words made me regret even seeking help.
To those of you who chose to bash and criticize me, that was not only not helpful but also hurtful. I am truly going through a very difficult time in my life and your choice of words made me regret even seeking help.
2 Comments
The issue with him smoking was because my grandfather died of lung cancer from smoking and left my grandma a widow in her early 50's. She lived until she was 97, nearly half of her live without the man she loved. I do not want to go through the same thing she did by being with a smoker.
You came here asking for advice - You are not neccessarily going to hear what You 'want' to hear. When one disagrees with Your point of view that doesn't mean they are "bashing and criticizing" You - it simply means They don't see it the same way You see it. If You don't want anyone to see a situation differently than You do, well then, it's not advice You're looking for but VALIDATION - that's different. I understand Your reasons for not wanting Your Husband to smoke but I'm not certain that's the REAL (only) issue here. Your words are very strong - You "feel like a fool", You have "no respect for Him", You think people are "bashing and criticizing You". Perhaps You should seek couples counseling regarding His smoking AND Your VERY strong reaction to Him and to us (who matter not at all - as we are anonymous)
GoodLuck
GoodLuck
If you've been married for 8 years, and have had no idea that he's been smoking, then he doesn't smoke that much, i can tell you as a smoker...
and since he can't be a heavy smoker , i would imagine that he's tried to quit, and maybe has been successful, maybe even for years,...
i find it VERY odd though that you've given us no dialogue about what he's said about his habit ... or how he justified his not telling you for so long....
so it sounds very one sided
IS the absence of your husbands dialogue (after the fact of you finding out) because your husband has no voice ? or because he's not being heard ?
and i have to agree with Life, is that maybe a hint of a bigger problem ?
My advice to you is to get into marriage counselling if YOU want to save ,and not discard, your marriage. IF you want your husband to be honest with you, then that will only happen if he feels he can trust you to still love him if he does open up to you, and not threaten abandonment.
I understand how upsetting it would be to find a husband lying, If they can lie about one thing, then they could lie about another, I get that. I feel for you.
But, you have to ask yourself. Did you set yourself and him up for an unreasonable relationship from the very beginning? Did you cause him to hide his smoking because you were unreasonable and non supportive in the beginning? Could you entertain talking about this as a possibility with a marriage counselor? If so, you might have a marriage that will be worth something to you both throughout your lives. If not, you'll start again., but don't make the mistake of demanding perfection, and leave a person no alternative than to lie , to get by. And, as for your husband, there's a shortage of men that care enough to hide bad habits. and that want to be married so bad, that they do so.
and since he can't be a heavy smoker , i would imagine that he's tried to quit, and maybe has been successful, maybe even for years,...
i find it VERY odd though that you've given us no dialogue about what he's said about his habit ... or how he justified his not telling you for so long....
so it sounds very one sided
IS the absence of your husbands dialogue (after the fact of you finding out) because your husband has no voice ? or because he's not being heard ?
and i have to agree with Life, is that maybe a hint of a bigger problem ?
My advice to you is to get into marriage counselling if YOU want to save ,and not discard, your marriage. IF you want your husband to be honest with you, then that will only happen if he feels he can trust you to still love him if he does open up to you, and not threaten abandonment.
I understand how upsetting it would be to find a husband lying, If they can lie about one thing, then they could lie about another, I get that. I feel for you.
But, you have to ask yourself. Did you set yourself and him up for an unreasonable relationship from the very beginning? Did you cause him to hide his smoking because you were unreasonable and non supportive in the beginning? Could you entertain talking about this as a possibility with a marriage counselor? If so, you might have a marriage that will be worth something to you both throughout your lives. If not, you'll start again., but don't make the mistake of demanding perfection, and leave a person no alternative than to lie , to get by. And, as for your husband, there's a shortage of men that care enough to hide bad habits. and that want to be married so bad, that they do so.
May I ask if you ever lied? If so, did the person or persons find out and did he/she/they forgive you or not?
I am sensing you've had loads of issues with people lying or not being forthright in your past based on your reaction to what your husband has done. I am thinking the reason for your strong reaction is seeded in your past somewhere.
I am a nurse and to be honest I've taken care of more people who have never smoked with lung cancer vs. those who have smoked. People don't quit smoking just because someone told them so; they quit when they are ready to quit and it sounds like he wasn't ready to do that or isn't ready to do that. NO ONE can make him ready to quit.
If you are or were so against smoking why did you date a smoker in the first place? If you didn't want to go through what your grandmother did then I would think you would steer clear of any guy who smokes.
It's terrible he lied, however, I really, really think he didn't want to lose you and that he must love you very much. If he didn't care anything about you he would of continue to smoke in front of you. He went behind your back, continued to smoke and thought this would be a good solution. He made a mistake.............he is human.
Has he done anything else other than this?
Are you sure these people who told you what he was doing just didn't want to cause problems in your marriage? Perhaps they know how to rattle your chain and get under your skin and told you this information deliberately to get you upset and/or to cause problems for him?
Anyways, if you are very distraught and can't find yourself to forgive then I would recommend separating for a while and sorting this out with the help of a therapist. You sound extremely fragile and not in a good place. I know you take your vows seriously and all, but it's not a good idea to stay in a marriage where you are constantly doubting your husband and it isn't fair your husband would have to be subjected to constant doubt from you.
People are flawed and do all kinds of terrible things, but I must say this isn't the worse someone could do to you hon.
I am sensing you've had loads of issues with people lying or not being forthright in your past based on your reaction to what your husband has done. I am thinking the reason for your strong reaction is seeded in your past somewhere.
I am a nurse and to be honest I've taken care of more people who have never smoked with lung cancer vs. those who have smoked. People don't quit smoking just because someone told them so; they quit when they are ready to quit and it sounds like he wasn't ready to do that or isn't ready to do that. NO ONE can make him ready to quit.
If you are or were so against smoking why did you date a smoker in the first place? If you didn't want to go through what your grandmother did then I would think you would steer clear of any guy who smokes.
It's terrible he lied, however, I really, really think he didn't want to lose you and that he must love you very much. If he didn't care anything about you he would of continue to smoke in front of you. He went behind your back, continued to smoke and thought this would be a good solution. He made a mistake.............he is human.
Has he done anything else other than this?
Are you sure these people who told you what he was doing just didn't want to cause problems in your marriage? Perhaps they know how to rattle your chain and get under your skin and told you this information deliberately to get you upset and/or to cause problems for him?
Anyways, if you are very distraught and can't find yourself to forgive then I would recommend separating for a while and sorting this out with the help of a therapist. You sound extremely fragile and not in a good place. I know you take your vows seriously and all, but it's not a good idea to stay in a marriage where you are constantly doubting your husband and it isn't fair your husband would have to be subjected to constant doubt from you.
People are flawed and do all kinds of terrible things, but I must say this isn't the worse someone could do to you hon.
SF3, God bless you. If your one qualification for a partner is that he's not a smoker, you were remiss because you chose a smoker.
With new medical advances, it's unlikely your husband will die of lung cancer.
With new medical advances, it's unlikely your husband will die of lung cancer.
It seems a bit extreme to end a marriage due to smoking. I'm also unsure whether that would be considered legal grounds for a divorce, too. I'm not any kind of an expert about legal issues so you'd have to ask a lawyer whether it would hold up, if that's your sole reason for wanting a divorce. I have seen several friends of mine seek a divorce for much more serious and legitimate reasons only to run into a lot of trouble trying to prove their position. It's just something to keep in mind if you decide to try and puruse a divorce because of this. I don't think I'd go so far as to divorce but I'm sure I'd go to counseling with my husband and try to work with him and support him to try to help him with quitting.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I certainly understand. However, the issue is that this is YOUR feelings about it and not his. You knew he was a smoker when you were dating, right? Would you now wish that the past 8 years never happened knowing he smokes still?
I think you have to rephrase things to him if this will ever work for him to stop. Tell him of your fear of what 'could' happen (and hon, an awful lot of people smoke with never getting cancer. It's bad for you and a definite risk factor for many things . . . but it is possibly not fair to say that the awful situation you went through watching your grandmother should then apply to every smoker). But sharing this fear with him shows concern and not just stomping your feet that you don't like it.
I again would not end a marriage over this. Do you think your grandmother would have not been with her husband, given up the man she loved because he smoked if she had it to do over again?
I think you have to rephrase things to him if this will ever work for him to stop. Tell him of your fear of what 'could' happen (and hon, an awful lot of people smoke with never getting cancer. It's bad for you and a definite risk factor for many things . . . but it is possibly not fair to say that the awful situation you went through watching your grandmother should then apply to every smoker). But sharing this fear with him shows concern and not just stomping your feet that you don't like it.
I again would not end a marriage over this. Do you think your grandmother would have not been with her husband, given up the man she loved because he smoked if she had it to do over again?
I personally think you are blowing things WAY out of proportion. It's not like he cheated on you or was off smoking crack. You insisted that he quit smoking before you would move in with you. Maybe he tried, who knows. But you gave him an ultimatum and he wanted to be with you, so he quit or said he quit. It could be he quit and slowly went back to smoking. It's not an easy addiction to quit and it's very easy to start back up.
I don't know how you can be married to someone for 8 years and have absolutely no clue they are smoking. I am a former smoker and even when I smoked, I could smell it on other people. When I quit, I definitely could tell when someone had been smoking. The smell clings to people who do it.
I think continuing counseling is very important for you. You need to figure out why you are willing to consider walking away from someone I assume you love over something like this rather than working with him to get through your feelings of betrayal.
I don't know how you can be married to someone for 8 years and have absolutely no clue they are smoking. I am a former smoker and even when I smoked, I could smell it on other people. When I quit, I definitely could tell when someone had been smoking. The smell clings to people who do it.
I think continuing counseling is very important for you. You need to figure out why you are willing to consider walking away from someone I assume you love over something like this rather than working with him to get through your feelings of betrayal.
Hi, i think there are other issues other than smoking at hand. I strongly sense a very controlling wife. Thinking about leaving and cutting your losses over a smoke hiding husband is not reasonable and does not reflect any lack of love or caring from your husband.
I'm sorry you felt deceived.
But here's the basic problem - when you are in a relationship with a guy who is a smoke, he's going to be a smoker. It's like being in a relationship with a guy who likes porn a lot, and expecting him to quit.
What happens, is they hide it. Sometimes they hide it pretty well, sometimes not very well.
I wouldn't want to be married to a smoker, either, so I never dated a smoker.
I disagree that he doesn't have respect for you, or for your relationship. To want to smoke for 8 years and have to hide it from you is a huge effort.
It's your choice. But I don't think I'd elevate this smoking behavior (which you knew before you moved in) with something awful like cheating or child porn or consorting with prostitutes.
He fell in love with you as a smoking man, it was after he was in over his head that you demanded he quit.
But here's the basic problem - when you are in a relationship with a guy who is a smoke, he's going to be a smoker. It's like being in a relationship with a guy who likes porn a lot, and expecting him to quit.
What happens, is they hide it. Sometimes they hide it pretty well, sometimes not very well.
I wouldn't want to be married to a smoker, either, so I never dated a smoker.
I disagree that he doesn't have respect for you, or for your relationship. To want to smoke for 8 years and have to hide it from you is a huge effort.
It's your choice. But I don't think I'd elevate this smoking behavior (which you knew before you moved in) with something awful like cheating or child porn or consorting with prostitutes.
He fell in love with you as a smoking man, it was after he was in over his head that you demanded he quit.
I can certainly see how you feel the way you do, and I don't blame you one bit for it. Separating may seem like a drastic move, but it can allow you both to clear your heads and see the big picture, plus it can serve as motivation for both of you to work it out, if that's what you end up deciding. I agree that it would be a shame to break up a marriage for this reason, so if you don't want to separate, then don't. If I were you, I would sit my husband down and explain to him what the counselor told me about separating and see if that's something he is interested in. Then, take it from there, and decide if that should be your next move. If not, then in the same conversation, tell him that you want to have a long and healthy life with him, and that if he were to quit smoking, it would mean the world to you. Insist that you'll help him in any way that you can, and that there are free resources out there to help people quit. Remind him the hardest part is in the beginning, and that won't last forever. Then follow through and get him in touch with those resources that can help him. I wish you both the best.
COMMUNITY LEADER
PS: this is just my opinion as well, obviously. I know this won't probably be music to your ears as you want to vent about it --- and I gave you a different perspective. I hope you take it as food for thought to help you look at my opinion in a way that opens you up to handling this situation so that you two can remain together.
1 Comments
MAJOR ditto (s) on SpecialMom's take on this.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Well, let me just say this. He didn't tell you (which was your question) because he is addicted to smoking and couldn't give it up. Do you know how hard it is to quit smoking? People have physical symptoms. People smoke for a variety of reasons that usually include all of the following--- it soothes them, it is a habit, they are addicted.
I'm a non smoker. I couldn't live with a smoker. You say the same. But he thing is--- you don't. In 8 years, he's not smoked around you. You maybe smelled it here and there but you've never seen him in all of this time. This indicates he's not a super heavy smoker.
Would I break up a marriage over this? No. I wouldn't personally.
He did lie but you also backed him into a corner. I would guess that most people would like to easily quit but since it isn't easy, they don't.
Being angry with him won't help him quit. Loving him and supporting him and trying to help him stop for the RIGHT reasons include his health. NOT that you don't like it. Because that makes it all about you. I would hate that he's lied to you. But my guess is that he couldn't quit and didn't want to lose you way back when. And now you have a life together, so be a team mate with him rather than victimizing yourself because he has a really bad habit you don't like. :>)
I just dont' want you to end a good marriage over something like this-- assuming it is good. good luck
I'm a non smoker. I couldn't live with a smoker. You say the same. But he thing is--- you don't. In 8 years, he's not smoked around you. You maybe smelled it here and there but you've never seen him in all of this time. This indicates he's not a super heavy smoker.
Would I break up a marriage over this? No. I wouldn't personally.
He did lie but you also backed him into a corner. I would guess that most people would like to easily quit but since it isn't easy, they don't.
Being angry with him won't help him quit. Loving him and supporting him and trying to help him stop for the RIGHT reasons include his health. NOT that you don't like it. Because that makes it all about you. I would hate that he's lied to you. But my guess is that he couldn't quit and didn't want to lose you way back when. And now you have a life together, so be a team mate with him rather than victimizing yourself because he has a really bad habit you don't like. :>)
I just dont' want you to end a good marriage over something like this-- assuming it is good. good luck
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