verbal abuse from wife

[sbat]

i have been married 11 years and i have 3 young children... i have been an addict for most of the last 20 years.

i have now been sober for 4 years and am active in m 12 step program... i visit with a councelor seperately every other week to work on low self esteem and my other character defects.

i have tried to make amends to my wife many time and many ways...she has never been willing to forgive me.

i live in fear of my past wrongs being brought up and being berrated for hours over my past history.

i know i am an exceptional father now and i try to be a good husband, but i know i cant take any more verbal abuse.

i have been ready to live a clean and happy life....i want to do this with my wife.

i am not sure if she is abusive or just very codependent and mean.

i would appreciate information on sites that cold shed light on this for me and advice...my sponsor recommends i leave her and i have ot yet discussed this indepth with my cuoncelor.

[RockRose]

sbat,  your wife chose to marry an alcoholic,  and instead,  she now has a healthy loving normal man.  That's not what she wanted,  and not what she chose.

She chose to marry a man she could belittle,  and feel superior to,  and blame her unhappiness on.  *slips on a banana peel*   That's gone now,  and she's had to resort to belittling you for past sins from many years ago - it's all she has left to beat you up with.

Until she recognizes this pattern and has a miraculous change - and decides that she in fact wants a healthy man and not one she can feel good about wounding all the time,  this won't change.

Best wishes.  Congratulations on your sobriety and positive life changes.  I'm sorry your wife isn't enjoying it.

[iam1butterfly]

I don't think that it's meanness or codependency; it's unhappiness.
It sounds like your wife is harboring anger and resentment because she hasn't forgiven you for your past transgressions. And, she may never get over the feelings of bitterness and loss that I'm sure she must be feeling. After all, you were an addict for the better part of 20 years. That's a lot of heartache and disappointment... for both of you. Berating you is her way of venting her frustration. But, you're right... it is verbal abuse. You need to have a long sit down talk with her... and let her know that while you realize that your addiction caused her grief and suffering; her hostile and disparaging remarks are aggravating and demoralizing. Explain to her that you are sorry and are trying to make amends. But, that words of support will carry you further in your recovery efforts; than bitter and sad reminders of the past.