My Boyfriend's relationship with his 10 year old Daughter

[Jersey71]

I have seen a few threads on here with regards to my situation. My boyfriend has a 10 year old Daughter who he has 1/2 the time. When we first starting dating he talked about her non stop which I thought was sweet that he loved her so much. I figured since we were still getting to know each other perhaps this was just a way to show that he loved his Daughter. The topic of conversation is always the same and everywhere we go, whether we are on a date, driving, hanging at at his house etc. She did this, she loves this etc and even his texts are now about something cute she did.  He brushes and blow dries her hair every night, picks out her clothes etc which is all fine but here is where I feel a tad bit uncomfortable. Every morning he brings her up a glass of chocolate milk and they have "cuddle" time. He wraps his body around hers and strokes her hair and back to try to "wake" her up so she has a happy day. I have tried to call in the mornings to say Good Morning and I am cut off by him saying it is time to go cuddle with her. She will often climb into bed with him and they cuddle all night. He has her every weekend night and every other weekend so I know they get enough "quality" time together. She will text him every day before she comes home to let him know what she wants for dinner and he will go to the grocery store and make that dinner and have it ready for her when she walks through the door. She is not allowed to have any video games and they do not have cable as he wants the time to be spent with him one on one. Am I crazy or is this a tad odd? Please help..I have a 13 year old and I have never seen this behavior with a Father/Daughter. It is like she is his spouse? Hopefully I am just looking too much into it but it feels off. He even me off the other night so they could spend one on one together..my Daughter was here so it would have been nice for her to have a play date but he does not allow her to do that either. Just this morning he texted me that he got to sleep in and she made him breakfast in bed. I must add that our sex life is bland and I have to be the aggressor. He wants to be with her 24/7 and they will often just lay in bed together and watch DVD's. He waits on her hand and foot and even keeps her from reading books if it means not spending time with him! Any advice?

[NicolaDarling]

I don't think having a morning routine and cuddle time is abnormal. That part sounds healthy. However, co-sleeping and refusing to let her have play dates, watch tv or play games is excessive and quite weird. He seems obsessed with her, in ways that border on creepy. It may be that he's lonely and isn't sure how to open up to adult women. He may also be intimidated by adult women after some difficult past relationships. Either way, he's clearly communicating that he's not prepared to be in an adult relationship with you or anyone else. Naturally, any time you're in a relationship with another parent you'll have to negotiate and accept they want one-on-one time with their child. However, in this case he's blowing you off and ignoring you in favour of being in bed with her - that's weird! I would calmly communicate with him about this. Establish some boundaries, such as he doesn't sleep in her bed or co-sleep, he sleeps with you. Create a routine that allots sufficient time to her without neglecting you. If he can't or won't see reason, then you'll need to distance yourself and probably end the relationship.

[DearAbby]

He is a control freak and this is evident by the fact that he calls his ex-wife reminding her of their daughter's bath and bed times.  This is not for him to decide in his ex-wife's household.  What he is doing to his child is abusive.  She deserves to grow up forming healthy relationships with friends and other adults  This guy is extremely selfish at best.  Like you said, Jersey, it's healthy to raise your children to be independant, not dependant on an old man.  This guy may be a sociopath as he thinks only about his needs and is training his daughter to be his life slave.  His behavior is not in the least bit endearing to me.  It is troubling.  Run while you can.  If you know his ex, you may want to let her know about his actions with their daughter.  I have a feeling she is already aware of this though.  Courts are such in favor of having the father in a kid's life, that I would bet her hands are tied.

[Grace313]

I know there are times she is going to have more privileges giving that she is the oldest, she also has more responsibilities and stricter regulations, as she knows better, but it seems the opposite.  The younger girls have more discipline and punishment for their infractions than the older ***daughter

He will discipline his younger two and be more annoyed with their misbehavior than he is with his oldest's blatant disrespect or disregard for his rules.

Please offer insight!

[Grace313]

I have been reading posts like this because I am also in a similar, but not this off the wall situation.  I see the daughter as more of the aggressor, but he relents way too often in my opinion to her.  She is 10 and very mature for her age, granted, but he wants to treat her as an equal.  And I think that her maturity and ability to be a surrogate companion and teammate when he became newly single was relieving but I am here, and he still is allowing her to manipulate the situation... oftentimes pulling him aside to be one on one with him leaving me with his other two children plus my own.  In the beginning, I limited the involvement of my children with him and his children just so I could get to know him better, and it paid off.  We took baby steps to introduce our relationship to our children and in appropriate ways -- letting them know we were boyf/girlf, them and us being comfortable.. then pda in front of them... then sleepovers etc...
My point is he considers her as if she were a second girlf sometimes it seems, or at least very differently from how he considers his younger two daughters.  She very often gets special treatment, even gets away with basic rules the other two do not get away with (taking her plate to the sink, cleaning up after herself)  And she expects it.
I've seen her become pouty and whine when she doesn't get her way and use their relationship and closeness against him - the threat of her unhappiness against him.  I'm at a loss.
I know there are times she is going to have more privileges giving that she is the oldest, she also has more responsibilities and stricter regulations, as she knows better, but it seems the opposite.  The younger girls have more discipline and punishment for their infractions than the older two.
She seems to shirk relationships with friends over her desire for a relationship with her father, who gives her more than enough quality time.  He is a good man trying to do the right thing, but I feel he crosses the line in catering to her too much and it blurs the father/daughter relationship line.

[Londres70]

Ditto Chima too.

This is their lifestyle and this is how your bf parents.  It would be easier to leave the situation then to change it to your liking or change it to make it more like you want it to be.

Sounds like an overly-doting dad.  He doesn't see his child everyday, so perhaps he amps up the affection a bit when he does get to see her.

Your parenting styles aren't compatible and you two aren't sexually compatible.

Don't stay thinking you are going to change all this.........won't happen IMO.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I applaud Chima7 for Her very well stated post - I'm in 100% agreement.

Whether or not Their behavior is "weird", You need to exit YourSelf from the whole situation as You and Your Daughter are "weirded out" by Their relationship.  

I STRONGLY agree that You should look for a relationship with a Man who does not already have Children - it rarely mixes well to combine Children when there are already established parenting styles with the Bio Parent

[Jersey71]

You are right with everything you said, I just needed to hear it lol. My Daughter is even weirded out at the amount of hovering he does over her and honestly your right with the parenting styles not matching at all! I believe in raising my children to be self sufficient and they even know how to cook and do laundry! I have to think about their future and if I am always waiting on them then they will grow up lazy and have the expectation that they should be waited on by everyone. Thank you for your comments!! :D

[specialmom]

I think chima had some wise words to share.  That's the bottom line.  I think their relationship may be odd, he may be an odd man, he overindulges her and perhaps has a weird level of affection and interdependence going on . . .   so yes, eyeopener.  Why would you want to date him?  

Move on and let them be. good luck

[Jersey71]

I am not saying that at all! I simply posted this thread to see if I am seeing something that is not there? I do believe a parents priority should be their children, however in a way that is in a parental role. It is as if he is looking to her to satisfy some emotional void within himself. Clearly after putting this in text I do see that I need to leave this man. Lol eyeopener!

[Chima7]

Personally if I was in a situation where I was getting weirded out by the relationship between my bf and his daughter, I'd just tell him thanks for the memories and move on with my life. Because regardless of whether he's just being an enabler to her spoiledness or if there is something more sinister afoot, the fact that it made me uncomfortable would be enough reason to leave him.

They were a family unit long before you came along and they will continue to be so, long after you're gone and therefore your feelings don't really matter in the situation. Your bf will continue to spoil that kid rotten to the point where she will be completely unable to fend for herself, which will make her a high maintenance princess type that very few guys will want to be around. He is doing a huge and major disservice to her by making her so dependent on him. But whatever, it's not your kid and therefore not your problem.

This is the main reason why I don't date guys with kids. I would not tell any guy who is a father that he had to totally change his existing relationship with his kids because of me. Who am I to them? I'm just an outsider, and therefore it's not my place to tell them how they must run things in their existing family dynamic. I don't even want to argue about it so avoiding guys with kids makes it a lot easier to avoid that drama.

Your parenting styles don't match and you've realized this, so really why stay in a relationship? What happens if you get married? You're going to raise your kid one way and he's going to raise his the spoiled way? How is that going to work when your kid doesn't get everything handed to her on a silver platter like her step sister does? That's not going to be pretty. What's the point in prolonging this since you know you're incompatible from a parenting standpoint? For someone who is a parent, isn't complimentary parenting style in the top priority list of mandatory things that a partner of yours must have? He's already not fulfilling that requirement. Why would you stay with him, knowing that you're so fundamentally different in such a critical area that is (or should be) your top priority? What's the point, at this point, knowing what you know, in continuing this relationship?  

[specialmom]

Well, break up with him and call social services.  Move on with your life.  And it is over.  good luck

[Jersey71]

He tells me about their all nighters and how they cuddle all night. Silly to make that up! Also I asked him if he wears PJ's and he said "why should I?" she has seen me in my underwear her whole life.

[specialmom]

Well, now you are suggesting they are sexual.  Is that right?

[specialmom]

To me he sounds like he is making a point with her and letting her know where she stands.  Perhaps he's sensed her tone Rockrose and this is his way of backing her off.  ??  

As to sleeping all night in each other's arms.  How does she know that. Doesn't sound like she is there and this could be exaggeration.  

I feel for the poster.  I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with the guy but don't see him as super creepy either.  He's an overzealous dad.  

And yes, I think we are similar in parenting. :>)

[Jersey71]

so cuddling with your Daughter while dressed in your underwear is normal? No shirt just boxers?  I do agree that his number one priority should be her and I would not have it any other way! Thank you for your advice and I will try to let him down easy :)

[specialmom]

But that isn't criminal.  It is a very common post we see here of girlfriends of men who do not like the relationship he has with his daughter.  I have to think many families would look 'odd' if they came under scrutiny of someone who felt like they weren't getting enough attention.  Just being honest.  That seems to consistently factor in.  You don't describe anything I see as terrible.  He loves her and he makes it clear and he dotes on her.  Maybe she is 'too' important to him.  ???  But, that's not your call or mine.  

I dated only one man with a child.  Didn't care for that type of situation and broke it off and never dated anyone else with kids again.  Because I think it complicates things.  

Anyway, just move on.  Be happy you don't have to deal with it.  And hopefully your next dating partner will be more available to you.  good luck

[RockRose]

SM,  I think you and I have similar parenting styles,  and I'm perhaps even more "helicopter".  I can hover with the worst of them,  let me tell you!  Even now,  with adult sons,  the stuff I do for them when they're here - or away,  even - borders on treating them like schoolboys.  So I do understand hovering and loving and caring.

I don't understand saying that she'll never need another man since she's got Daddy.  I can't imagine thinking that,  ever.  I remember specifically raising my boys with a philosophy in mind that in the future, they treat their partners well.  It wouldn't have crossed my mind - ever - that they weren't going to grow up and seek partners - and I looked forward to that.  

I also can't really picture sleeping all night long in each other's arms.   Even if he's not experiencing that in a sexual way,  she is,  in a pre-sexual relationship way.

[Jersey71]

I feel like there is something more to this relationship, I cannot place my finger on but they act as if they are in a spousal relationship if that makes sense? I think a father and daughter should have a healthy relationship but this is crossing that line so to speak. He has said in the past that his wife did not give him enough attention, maybe this is his substitute for the emotional needs he is searching for?

[specialmom]

He's acting in the caregiver role for his daughter.  I'm really going to just say that these are things that I myself would do.  I'm different because I am a woman?  In truth, I don't think that is fair.  At all.   Perhaps the ex isn't great and he feels hyper responsibility for her. Guilt for the divorce.  Who knows.  But I think this is sad that a dad acts like many mom's do and is considered creepy for it.  

Anyway, I do agree though that this isn't an ideal person to be in a relationship with.  I always think children should be the number one priority but he places all else in his life so much lower than his child, it would be hard to feel close to him.  So, leaving the relationship seems a good step.

If you do talk to him, be less critical in terms of what he is doing as wrong/creepy.  And talk more about how part of a parent's responsibility is to help their children grow up into functioning, independent adults.  He needs to cater to her less so that she learns to do for herself more.  That's part of parenting.  But I'd leave it at that.  

good luck

[Jersey71]

I think the difference here is Mom's have that natural tendency to want their children close to them as they gave birth to them. (not saying all Mom's are like this though). I think his crosses the line though. He sees her 24 days of the month so he is not lacking time with her at all. Oh I should mention that he consistently texts his ex when she is with her "reminding" her of her bed time and baths etc. He will even drive over there to get a shirt left there because his ex does not know how to do her laundry properly. You are right that this is not healthy for me and after careful consideration, I am going to voice my concerns. Thank You!

[specialmom]

So jersy, what's your take on it?  Do you think he is sexually fantasizing about her or just not being a great parent?  I can see why you are irritated but are you saying that there is something deeper going on in the perverted sense?  

[Jersey71]

Thank you for replying! I am weirded out by the whole situation and I did mention to him that she is going to grow up expecting every man to wait on her hand and foot. He said she does not need another man, that is why she has me.

[specialmom]

I don't know if it is odd or not rockrose.  But, it's his prerogative as a parent.  There are lots of spoiled kids in the world.  I frankly am pretty into my kids.  I'd rather hang out with them that most people.  I'd rather see a dad like this than the other extreme that happens so often in divorce where the kids can be an afterthought.  Just my opinion on it.

But it isn't a good relationship for the poster.  

[specialmom]

I cuddle with my 11 year old and 9 year old boys.  That's not odd.  It's not sexual. They've been my babies since I gave birth and I am affectionate with them.  They're affectionate with their dad too. We're that kind of family.  

She sounds over indulged by a dad that feels a little ripped off he doesn't have her as much as he wants.  She's his priority.  While maybe he isn't helping her develop into the  best adult (as she is going to be rough on a future husband)--  it's something that happens with divorce.

If it is troubling to you, then I'd suggest the relationship isn't meant to be.  good luck