My boyfriend won't have vaginal sex with me

[coldbloodtruth]

My bf 23 will not have sex with me 20, and we have been dating for abt a year, we both love each other to where we couldn't let the other go unless they cheat. he has anal sex with me sometimes, and we do everything else sexually, but he says his reason is marriage, he wants to wait til we are married. of course i can't believe this reason. he evern said b4 that he wanted me to force it on him and i just dont want my first time like that. what is wrong? what can i do??? ohh btw i have a 2 year old daughter and he is a virgin. (besides the anal sex hes had with me)

[specialmom]

I don't think it is really accurate for him to call himself a virgin since he's had anal sex with you.  Whew----  you sound compliant to him.  I sure hope you get your needs met dear.  Anyhoo----  I would guess that he doesn't want to risk pregnancy until he is married.  Just read an article about anal sex becoming more popular with younger generations for that very reason.

You are the mother of a child now.  Seems odd for your man to be talking nostogically to you about being a virgin when married (which again, in my eyes, he is not)-------  usually those with such strong 'values' require the same of their mate.


Is this guy a keeper in your mind??

[RockRose]

Why are you continuing in a relationship with a man who is so completely sexually incompatible with you?

There are lots of men who want to have regular sex.

[coldbloodtruth]

he is not married?? maybe you misunderstood marriage was one of his excuses but obviously if he would want me to dominate him into having it he wants it b4

[coldbloodtruth]

and i call him a virgin in the viginal way

[coldbloodtruth]

because he really loves me it just hurts that he won't have sex with me, or get the balls to do it.

[specialmom]

I know he isn't married, I meant he says he wants to wait for marriage but is willing to be with a woman that is NOT a virgin -------  usually someone who wants to wait until marriage wants a partner that did too.  

But I have to say that he is not a virgin.  You two are quite sexual and he is having intercourse with you-------  anal intercourse.  

I think I'd see this as a red flag.  Your gut is telling you that he is making an excuse and you are missing regular/tradition sex.  He's withholding that from  you while still having sex with you.  Really not fair that his needs are met and yours aren't.  I would think of that as selfish.  And I would wonder how much better it will get if you are indeed married.  He may just be an anal guy and that will always be his preference.  

I'm asking about the rest of your relationship because you two are as Rockrose says, somewhat incompatible sexually.  You are at this point anyway.  So, are there any other issues as well?

[RockRose]

This is your life,  and your choice.  But I'm telling you,  girl,  that a man who refuses to have vaginal sex with a woman he really cares about,  who offers it,  there's something sexually incompatible about him.  

I don't know what it is,  but it's not fixable.  If you said he refused any sort of sex whatsoever I'd have a 5% chance of thinking he's just really morally driven.  But that's not the case.

He's willing to do anal.  

He's not a match for a heterosexual woman who wants vaginal sex.  

But this is obviously your choice.

Best wishes.

[Londres70]

Your statement....."he has anal sex with me sometimes, and we do everything else sexually, but he says his reason is marriage, he wants to wait til we are married." ...... Sorry dear, this makes him NO virgin.  Virgins abstain from ALL sexual activity, however, some people think that doesn't include oral or anal sex.  That line about "saving vaginal sex after he is married" sounds just like a line he is feeding you in my opinion.  

Your statement......"he evern said b4 that he wanted me to force it on him."  ......Sounds like he is NOT traditional when it comes to vaginal sex.  Once again, how can he say he is saving vaginal sex for marriage and then he stated to you that he wants you to "force it on him?"   He is TOTALLY contradicting himself.  I believe he has ALREADY had vaginal sex. He sounds like NO virgin.  

Well.....either he is trying to avoid pregnancy OR he prefers anal sex over vaginal sex OR he just prefers a woman to be dominate in regards to vaginal sex.  Any way you cut it .....doesn't sound like you all are sexual compatible as RockRose and Specialmom have pointed out.  

Something is NOT on the "up and up" or legit here.  Definitely would consider this a "red flag."  Anyone not willing to fulfill my needs BEFORE marriage and is ok with having me fulfill his....sorry, that wouldn't be for me; that's ME though.  

How's the rest of the relationship?  

[Hunny25]

Sorry to ask and put it like this but is he really in the closet and usinig you as a cover up? I hope u have protected anal sex with him.

[Bnl1024]

OMG... This is a SUPER BIG RED FLAG! If my boyfriend ever pulled this we would be in a bond. I dont see how you let this fly! i understand all sex is fun and good and times but only anal haha yeah right!!!!!! as far as i know you stick it in one hole your not considered virgin at all. He seems to not care about your needs. Any real man will ask " baby are you pleased, finished, etc." like omg this is so strange to me! Something might really be wrong with him! like i dont mean that in a rude way... anyways good luck with that!

[coldbloodtruth]

ive considered that maybe he is in the closet but if that was the case he wouldnt be sooo protective towards me and other guys, i have asked him if he'd be interested in a threesome with another man or maybe me use a strap-on on him, but hes not interested in those things at all he doesnt think that being gay is right but he doesnt really judge though, we are pretty open sexually and this just seems to be our only problem, i believe he is just scared especially sincce he's never done it b4 and probably because i have done it soo many times in my past, i think he might just want it to be special. and i have no problem waiting until marriage but obviously u see i dont believe he really wants to because its pointless after everything else we do... i mean he doesnt exactly neglect my needs, he will finger me but that is just not sensual enough for me, i would like to make love with him.. it is something i do want very badly, not only will i be his first and that will make me feel extra special but its a way we could more mutually please eachother. i'm sure the way he was raised (his mom being a pastor and all) might have a lot to do with his mental challenges with women and the vagina, after all im just his 4th girlfriend and he's really not the best with girls... but i love him soo much and i just want to solve this problem without leaving him because i wanted sex because i dont want to seem like a *****, i mean i havent had sex since i got pregnant almost 3 yrs ago, its not like if i was single id be sleeping around, i just want to make love with my boyfriend because i have a strong feeling he is the one i will spend the rest of my life with. hope all this helps everyone understand more...

[coldbloodtruth]

oh and again he does not call himself a virgin, when i say virgin i mean to me he is a viginal virgin since he has never put his penis in a vigina, the same way i was an anal virgin b4 him and i had anal sex, which has only been 2 or 3 times.

[specialmom]

I don't know how to say this but that he is into anal doesn't really mesh with the being a son of a pastor and seeing sex a certain way.  Could he just not want to impregnate you??  

But regardless, he is holding out.  You certainly sound pretty ready to do just about anything for him . . . invite others into your bedroom for sex with you, using strap ons . . .  I'm not sure why vaginal sex would be special after doing all of those things.  But am sure you see that yourself.  So, what is the big deal about regular sex?  

I don't know.  I think I'd start withholding all sexual activity with him and tell him that you want it to be more special in general.  See how he handles that.  good luck (and that is not being sarcastic, that is exactly what I'd do.)

[coldbloodtruth]

i tried that the other day we broke down in an argument abt the sex thing and i said how abt we stop messing around all together, then the very next hour he showed up at my door and immediately started asking me if he could finger me!! although it felt great and it made me feel better i knew very well what he was doing,he wanted to make sure i didnt go thru with my threat... i couldnt resist tho because i love the sexual attention, i did almost have sex with him once btw but my daughter woke up from her nap so, i guess its not impossible just i want him to be like any other man and to want to do this with me , to crave it , to want it to need it, like if i was a guy and had a girl bending over or spreading it for me i would stick it in faster than u can say zip-slip... idk but condoms work just fine i dont see y he would be scared of getting me pregnant, im sure that has a lot to do with it but i mean when i got pregnant it was from NOT wearing a condom... i understand the risk of pregnancy obviously that is what sex is all abt, reproduction, but that is why they make condoms and there are ways to make sure the condom doesnt break or have holes.

[Bnl1024]

he might have a fear of not being good enough due to your past sexual partners. If he really never have sex before he might be scared of not being able to please you! pshh girl, if i were you i would just be like whatever and make him give it up! lol what can it hurt if thats what he wants.but once he does have sex with you he'll understand the reason you been so sexually frustrated...

[Londres70]

I agree with Specialmom.  

It is sounding more and more as if he doesn't want your PREGNANT before marriage or just doesn't want you pregnant.  Dear, condoms are NOT 100% foolproof.  There are MANY unplanned pregnancies related to condom failure and/or improper usage.  Everytime you have vaginal sex there is a change of pregnancy whether there is a condom used or not.  Of course the chance increases tremendously if there is NO condom used.    

Why not withhold ALL sexual activities UNTIL you all are married?

Are you sure about what you want?  One minute you say it's no big deal to wait and then you say you can't stand waiting.  You sound confused.  

In your initial post, you stated he wanted you to "force it on him."  Then you say he wants to have vaginal sex after he is married.  Does he know what he wants?  

Not to be rude but this whole situation sound contradictory and confusing.  I don't get the comment about the "strap on" and the "threesome."  Why would you resort to that?  

[RockRose]

I SOO respect the other posters in this thread,  but I have to say.

A man who is not so overcome with desire that he throws caution to the wind at least once - doesn't, in fact want to have vaginal sex.  

I'm just sayin'.  With all due respect.

[specialmom]

Well, I don't know.  Are you saying he is gay Rockrose?  Who knows.  Maybe.  But I find the highly sexual relationship in which she is willing to do anything and he has his limits quite odd.  

[RockRose]

I'm  not saying he's gay necessarily,  I'm just saying this won't turn itself around after marriage.  This is a man who,  for whatever reason,  doesn't want to have vaginal sex.

[specialmom]

To that I agree.  There is a very strong chance that his preference will always be anal sex and there is also a good chance that he has a few hang ups overall regarding sex that I'd not be thrilled to deal with.  

[Londres70]

Yes, definitely agree with you Specialmom and RockRose that this could be the situation with this man, however, I was confused to the fact the poster stated he told her he wanted her to "force it on him."  Then, I was thinking was this guy sexually abused or has something traumatic happened to him to make him have this strange view about vaginal sex.  

There are some heterosexual men that prefer anal sex only though.  

He also could "swing" both ways;  i.e. Bisexual, and prefers anal sex with both sexes.  

If it were me, I would be looking for someone who is willing to do what I liked, needed and ENJOYED, not he gets his sexual needs met and I get NOTHING.  

Doubt if this changes after marriage.  What you see now is what you will be getting later on most likely.  

Still confused about what is going on here.  

[specialmom]

yes, I agree with you londres--------  that is what I meant by 'hang ups' about regular sex.  Something seems a bit wrong with the picture.  But I agree with you for sure.

[coldbloodtruth]

thank you to those that didn't judge and stuck to the question instead of adding personal opinions , i know how hard it is for people to truly leave judging to god , and keep negative opinions to themselves. overall i can't say i got any completely helpful answers though, just things ive already considered, and people judging and trying to push their life choices on others. the way i see it is i think its his moms fault, its our job as mothers to teach our sons and daughters about sex and about the opposite sex, not just say, son if u have sex your gonna not only screw up your life, but burn in hell without mercy, leaving your child scared, confused and unaware of women and how to treat them or how they act and this will end up ruining their chancs of ever finding a wife willing to put up with his ignorance of feelings and other female things . thank goodness im willing to be understanding towards him and his bad upbringing where racism, and hypocrisy was so influenced... but anyway i will stop just get so aggravated when i'm being judged but its fine its my life my cchoices and only i will have to deal with the results in the end but thank you to those who tried to give positive feedback to the ACTUAL question

[specialmom]

Hm.  I'll read back through as I didn't really see that to be honest.  No one cares what you do in your bed room but to an outsider, it is odd that he does all he does sexually but won't have "regular" sex.  I doubt his mom wouldn't have made him feel bad about anal, threesomes and strap ons too.  That is not trying to be judging but am trying to understand the correlation between his mother and his sex life.  Sometimes people are damaged and they have a skewed idea of sex.  And they may find someone that can live with that or someone they are with may decide they would rather a person they were more compatible with.  So, I'm not exactly sure anyone could have given you a real answer to your question.  I don't know how to make him enjoy having sex the way you want to.  You can just say he needs to be married to do that and find out if that is the case??  Maybe it will be.  Maybe it won't.  How's the rest of your relationship not including the sex part?