Need advice about lying to my wife

[Burkeda]

I've been married twenty seven years. About 7 years ago MF financial situation unravelled. We had everything and I spent a year trying a business that didn't work. I was afraid to tell my wife I had not only failed to make money. That the business was a failure but also our finances took a major hit.  I came clean after a while but continued to struggle. I was afraid of her reaction and the disappointment of failing. I felt I didn't do  my job as she has done such an exceptional job with our kids. I I first thought it wasn't a big deal. I was doing what I had to do for. My family. I know now I killed her trust in me.  didn't want to be the bubble buster. Dream stealer and life changing reason   I didn't want to face going to her and asking her to work again. I avoided the pain because I felt I could fix it on my own and come clean later. Well it began then and the finances have still been a struggle. I have had to borrow money in between checks and have omitted at times that I borrowed money to survive till my next commission. I finally started talking to her about a budget but it seems to late. She can't trust me. She wants out. How do I make amends. How do I build trust

[Londres70]

SM couldn't have said it better.  Totally agree.

I feel bad for you.  Sounds like you just wanted to protect her and figure this out on your own.  

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Oh goodness.  Sorry this is difficult and things have gone the way they have.  

Lying wasn't good but you know that.  That tends to make things worse in many ways.  

I can tell you that my husband had tried to start a business as well.  When we met, we had a lot of personal assets and savings as mature professionals.  When we started our family, my husband wanted to do something to 'get ahead' as I discontinued working to be with my kiddos.  It not only failed miserably but killed us financially.  And then my husband started to implode.  His partner in the business had to file bankruptcy.  It was bad.  And he became paralyzed with fear.  Yours truly took the helm and made executive decisions to stop the bleed and get us out of it.  We will never have back the money we lost.  gone forever. And that stings because we both worked hard for it.  BUT, we can rebuild.  We have been working on that and every year get to a better place.  But it really took both of us to understand the situation.  

Give your wife some credit.  She may be a tremendous help to you in this situation.  If she is spending money without a care in the world not knowing that things are in bad shape, she deserves to know!  She also needs to know if the kids won't have any college savings or the two of you retirement.  

My next door neighbors are in this situation too.  They spent unwisely for years.  Decades.  He lost his job in his sixties.  They are selling their house and doing a major life overhaul.  Together, as a couple.  Life will go on for them.  And the changes to lifestyle they are making will help them make it through.  

This should be the opportunity offered to your wife.  

And in reading this, I think it looks like you have told her and she is appalled at the situation.  Well, first she is in shock.  You've been lying to her for a long time.  give her time to digest this.  Offer to go to therapy. Tell her that you wanted to fix it so she'd never know.  But you did let her down by lying.  You didn't give her the opportunity to be your true wife to be there for you through the tough times.  She may feel foolish and it is natural to not trust someone after feeling like you were living a lie.

But again, she may open back up.  Work on your plan to rebuild and present it to her.  Be thoughtful for what is realistic.  good luck

[Life360_Dave]

Hi and sorry what your going through. Ive been through it myself. I dont feel its that one failed business that has led to her wanting out but an accumulation of negative events over the passed 27 years. Being in a panic mode is not going to help the situation but just take it day by day and try your best.