New girl, Same Behaviour

[sunscreen_gr]

Dear all,

I am stack again ... I met a girl last Sunday at a bar and the comuunication went very well, we were talking over 3 hours and at the end gave me her number. She is a barwoman, though on Sunday she was a client to a different bar. I called her on Monday asking her out on Tue or Wed and she told me that she would work though she is free on Fri; told her that we should call eachother during the week to fix the details. I called her today (Wed) though she did not answer the phone.

Should I try again tomorrow? I mentioned during the call that i lied to my boss so I went home earlier. Is this a thing to think?

Do I do something wrong? I get the same behaviour from some girls. Or, on the other hand, the girls are so easy I am getting bored... When i get resistent I have anxiety, when get it not i am bored...

Is there something I should do so that I get a propper relationship? Am I loser?

Thanks,
Sun

[adr333]

Yeah NO NO #1 you picked her up at a bar! Of course she isnt going to be the greatest apple in the bunch. She doesnt sound like the kind of woman you are looking for. If she wanted to spend time with you she WOULD make time!

[sunscreen_gr]

Thanks for the comment though it is far more deeper than you imagine.

I have friends (girls and boys), independent, at their early or mid 30s, appreciating their lives (as I do to) though their or ALL singles... Are they all brats with issues about self-esteem? It may be, though there are other things at stake to...

People nowadays (meaning 30+ people) are bored they had everything at their youth, clothes, nike air maxes, nintendo consoles, barbies, palymobiles, etc. whatever they wanted it was there. Many parents were separated... Now this generation has an issue to share things, to communicate to other people, to appreciate 'little' things...

For me, I can share things easier as lets say 2 years ago and I communcate easier with strangers or co-workers/acquaintances. My self-esteem is in better shape than it used to be; of course though it is an on-going process. And me being a brat does not affect other people lives, so ... there are brats and brats...

[coolas]

My take is that at the heart of all this, you lack self-esteem; you don't really know who you are beyond wanting 'the finer things in life'.  Buying sex doesn't make you feel good about yourself because it wasn't 'earned' - it is not because of who you are that a girl agrees to have sex with you, it's because of what you are offering her.  The reason you buy sex, the reason you are aggressive and don't seem to be able to find love is because deep down you don't like yourself - you have problems with your self-esteem and knowing who you really are and what you stand for (beyond being a 'brat', which, let's face it, isn't all that appealing to many women).  My advice is to go and buy some books on self-esteem and work on it diligently... I had self-esteem problems myself once upon a time - there is no shame in it; if you are prepared to look honestly at yourself and do what is required to gain the self-esteem you lack, love will find you quicker than you would believe!

A-  

[sunscreen_gr]

jo,

I just saw your comment. This is indeed true.

Thanks,
Sun

[sunscreen_gr]

Mami,

Thanks for that. Unfortunately in Greece church is not that fashionable, and me myself I am social churchy. On the other hand a book-store (I love reading), a cooking class or even wine-taste class is not bad at all.. Though there is an issue about greeks, they are not refined, they do not have a culture to communicate with a stranger not even to acquintances... and thats BAD...

About me? I am brat, I am 31 live on my own, with my money, and work for a bank. I NEED my cleaner once a week, and I love getting a proper dinner at a restaurant... I love having my shirts and trousers tailored and my suits dry-cleaned ... Thats why I ve just said about me being naricsist ...

Now about the bartender... She could never accompany me at a dinner on Fri night as she works at a bar!!! She could never acompany me at the trip we are trying to plan to Southern Italy at Easter as she work to a bar!! So I should not care more about her. I should concntrate about the rejection:

When I get rejection I am set with the situation... I cannot handle to be rejected (and I have been rejected A LOT of times). When I was at school or uni I was just picking the girls that either had a boyfriend or girls that would never glimpsed at me... I was basically torturing myself... I cannot know why though I wanted to be hurt...

My parrents were divorced and came together when I was 15. My mom had some bad times, and showed them to me in an awkward way... My dad was alchoholic, he died recently...

Some of these things gave these reactions about rejection, though I cannot figure out which one was most prominent... I think living with mom up to 15...

Is there way to get over this???

[mami1323]

Do you go to church?  You can meet women there, or a book store or a cooking class.  There are social gatherings that don't have to include bar atmospheres.  If you aren't finding the right type of girl in the bars, then you have to explore your other options.

[jo929]

try being yourself and try someplace other than a bar to meet women.  luck  jo

[sunscreen_gr]

mami, Thanks for the cmments...

The approach by me to girls is not bad at all (well there is improvement though this is not the point my writings). I can have 30-40% first date success! The 'problem' is that I 'buy' girls through a bar and it is most of the times does not match my criteria.

When I approach a girl at a bar it is by nature aggresive... this implies for fast-date, fast-sex... this is ok, the scene is ok... The problem is that I am not looking forward for this staff, fast-staff... and it becomes complicated.

I look for long lasting relationship and this is VERY hard to get it through a bar or even online... I need to look elsewhere, I need to look within a group of friends and the extension of it or even at my office ... Though there, either I have the same approach, the aggresive one that it never worls, or I am to silent ...

So I need to change my behaviour to other places, not to bars... :)

[mami1323]

You only tried her once though right?  Maybe she's busy and can't talk.  I would give it a day at least.  If she doesn't call you back then you can call her again tomorrow but if you don't get her than I would say not to bother.  As far as her being narcissistic, well you don't know her well enough to say that.  Perhaps at the time of meeting she was interested but then realized later on that she wasn't.  Maybe you didn't click over the phone, perhaps she has something else going on in her life that is keeping her from moving forward on a date with you.  It's hard to say.  The dating scene can be tough.  I remember when I was trying to date and I would meet a guy and we would have a phone conversation and then I would realize I wasn't ready to date yet and so I wouldn't return their calls.  It wasn't anything about them, I just was still hooked on my ex and didn't have the urge to date.  Or there was this one guy who asked me out but over the phone he was so into himself it was a huge turnoff.  I wound up cancelling the date at the last minute because I didn't really want to go out with him.  He thought he could get any girl he wanted and I read that attitude right away.  You just never know what's going on in someone's head or in their lives at the moment.  Don't take it personally, just move on to the next.  Although, you could use it to do some self reflection.  Maybe you are coming across a certain way that could be construed as self centered or narcissistic or perhaps you give off an aura that is unattractive.  Think of what you do or what you say and try a new approach.  It never hurts to look at ourselves right?

[sunscreen_gr]

No, I just mentioned that we communicate again within the week. I called her today and she did not answer the call. I think she avoids me...

[mami1323]

Can you clarify things a little?  You asked her to call you back but then you told her that you won't be around to get her call?  I'm not sure what's up with that.  Are you avoiding her?  

[sunscreen_gr]

PS Do I behave like an narcicist, or am I attracted to narcicsts?