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Avatar universal

Newly married and realized I'm in love with someone else

Hi guys. Any serious feedback regarding my current situation would be appreciated.

I'm recently married; it's been just over two months since our wedding. But let me go back to the beginning. I fell in love with an exchange student from Spain not ten years ago my senior year in high school. We never were intimate, just shared a very passionate few kisses. Starting the day after he left and for the next year we would write each other 1-5 emails per day. I love you's and alll. Plans we want to make to see each other again (another exchange program maybe, vacation, etc). For one reason or another neither of us could make it happen. We eventually stopped emailing each other so much and our 20s started happening. He would have a girlfriend, and/or I would have a boyfriend, more schooling and jobs; the distraction of figuring out who we were as adults. Throughout all the years and relationships we've maintained a tight loving online relationship reminiscent of that we had when he was in the States so many years ago.

I first met my now husband just under three years ago. We decided to try living together after nine months, and he  surprisingly proposed after one year from the day we met. I of course said yes and we started planning our wedding. Throughout any relationship I had always emailed my first love from time to time and he would do the same with me, but I could never tell him I was engaged (even though we were facebook friends and he probably knew, it never was brought up in conversation). He messaged me a week and a half before my wedding saying he was coming to the States on a group trip but weren't able to come through the city in which I live. The trip was starting the weekend of my wedding. I never met up with him (it was the weekend of the wedding!) and now after two months of marriage and speaking online with my Spaniard I feel that I have made a TERRIBLE mistake.

It's not like I never loved my husband. Up until we got engaged we had a really great "honeymoon" phase and everything was great - dates, lots of sex (although I didn't climax all the time), conversations, etc. But starting somewhere within the first couple months of being engaged I can't seem to attract myself to him. Our sex life took a real dive - I stopped telling myself I could "fake it" in bed because I wanted our sex life to be phenomenal. I still very much care for a love him as a person, and is more than deserving of the best relationship in the world.

We almost postponed the wedding indefinitely when his stepmom was diagnosed with late stage cancer 4 months before our wedding; and I felt myself a little bit relieved. But there was this huge issue to deal with in our lives as his stepmom has partially raised him since he was 2. So I curbed my gut feelings after he wouldn't even consider postponing, and I wanted to be there to support him through this trying time with his family.

Since my Spaniard and I have began talking again right before the wedding, I felt I was in too deep to stop anything. So here I am now feeling myself starting to have an emotional affair on my now husband, and feel SO guilty and SO terrible ignoring everything before when we were engaged.

I'm sorry my story is a bit of a mess; I guess that's more indicative of how I'm feeling right now. Anyone who could provide some insight or very close experiences to compare this to and what you chose to do and how things ended would be very much appreciated.

Be still my heart.
21 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Perhaps you use your Spaniard ad you call him to avoid true intimacy. Interesting that things heat up as you are called upon to be closer to the man you married.  

I would break it off with your husband.  You are newly married and he deserves someone totally invested in him.  

And then you can continue freely your online romance.  It may fizzle again in terms of frequency and then he or you could meet someone else and it can spark back up.  :>)  

See what I'm getting at?

but I would end it with your husband as he doesn't deserve to be second fiddle to your computer.  good luck
134578 tn?1614729226
I agree to set your husband free, since you married him more or less in hope and not in actuality.  Return any wedding presents that can be returned to the senders, with a a note of apology if the item is used. Give your husband back any valuable gifts including your wedding ring and engagement ring.  Do what you can to ease the financial burden he took on because of your bad choice. Your husband deserves a wife who is crazy about him.  Period.

Serious warning!!!  Don't get pregnant right now!!!!  Get on the Pill if you are not.

Regarding your Spaniard, I'm more of a romantic than Specialmom is, about this one anyway.  I have an old boyfriend that I correspond with every now and then, (not hot, loving emails but friendly ones), and since we have been friends for so long, if I would ever find myself alone, I would at least wonder if he and I could make a go of it.  That said, I've been married more than 20 years now to someone else.  (My old boyfriend does not throw my relationship with my husband into the shade.  If there had even been a question in my mind, I would not have married my husband.)

What I suggest is that after your divorce, you put it all to the test and stop setting him up as the ideal fantasy man.  In other words, go see your Spaniard in person.  It is so, so easy to show only our best in online relationships.  We only have to be charming once or twice a day in our messaging, the guy does not have to reveal his dirty socks and black-light posters of Elvis, and the gal doesn't have to reveal that she gossips with her sister on the phone all the time and eats crackers in bed.  Only charm and humor and hotness, which may take all day to think up but reads as if this is the way you are all the time.  Meaning, the relationship COULD be fake.  Or merely fantasy.  But the only way you will know if it is something that was meant to be and stayed warm all these years because it was fated, or the opposite (that it is a fantasy pipe dream that you're glad to dust off when you need it) is to call the hand and lay the cards on the table.
13167 tn?1327194124
I'm thanking God I got all the way to the end of your very wordy post and didn't read that you're pregnant.  

I would be fabulous if you could sort this out and not have a child in the mix.  



3605625 tn?1385017548
You are making a big mistake in falling for this online romance....online is Soooo different to real life. You have found, fallen in love with, and married a wonderful man. And yet you are second guessing yourself with an online romance. If your bond, love and devotion with this spaniard was so strong throughout all these years, you guys would've found a way to each other. And yet you've kept the distance with an online love affair. Look at what you have in front of you, you fell on love with this man for a reason.........please think twice before you throw it away for your online lover. You need to make a decision, your husband or the spaniard, whoever you choose deserves your total devotion and commitment. Just remember........you don't know what you've got til it's gone.
Avatar universal
Agree with thirdtimemum

Also agree that Your Husband deserves a more invested Wife than what He has - so, do that.  Realize the "Spaniard" is a fantasy and devote Your emotion to Your Husband - You Both will benefit if You focus on Him rather than Your fantasy

I'm also relieved that You're not pregnant and hope You will make sure that doesn't happen before You quit fantasizing and 'get real'.

Good Luck
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, I also agree with thirdmum.  Romance and fantasy often go hand in hand.  good luck
Avatar universal
Thank you all for your advice and opinions so far.

Let me clear up that I AM on the pill and am NOT looking to get pregnant any time soon (husband doesn't want that either yet).

Also, my Spaniard and I never "sex talk"... Of course in the past we have spoken to one another regarding the "what ifs" if I were able to visit, or he to visit me, in the past years. But everything has always been grounded in reality, despite thinking about future "what if" questions. So no steamy love emails here. the love emails (fantasy emails?) are always about how we used to feel and how we still feel the same and wish we could meet again.

I recently skyped with him for a short 20 min. We spoke seriously of everything that we are feeling and what it all means and seriously about the real questions that need answering right now. I immediately started crying after we got off; my whole body hurt from missing him. Here is a piece of the email he wrote after we were got off skype:

"as my brother was driving me to the airport [he was heading to Berlin for a diabetes workshop, he's finishing his dr, residency in may], i found myself immagining our near future after your visit, with me applying for jobs near you or you coming to me. And suddenly i found myself again wondering about our future. And suddenly i go back to when i was a child, and i feel worried, but that gives me the chance to live this second oportunity with the hope and the blind faith of a young man, but with the resources and the strengh of an adult.
I hope this email are good news for you.. Because i think this time i am not running away."

I can also insert here that my husband is an actor with a masters in theatre from DePaul, and is in catering as his "day job." I am an artist as well, as I paint, sing and write music, do voiceovers, and dance, but my main income is as an architectural drafter/graphic designer. Only reason I include this is because of all this future talk. During our engagement, I sat my husband down a handful of times and really asked him some hard questions about his thoughts on the future, since we hadn't done that before he proposed and I definitely thought it's a huge part of the process (goals, backup plans, etc ) to make sure we're on the same page about all of this type of thing. He is very sensitive (a pisces, for those into that kinda thing), and while I had thought about what to say and how to say it with great thought before our conversations, he still got very worried that I was somehow asking him to stop being an actor and get a "real job," which I was eventually able to make perfectly clear to him that I was NOT asking him that, but just rather having an open conversation about the future to make sure we're on the same page about big life goals. We were, on a little over half of what we discussed.

So... I fell in love as a adolescent, and through the powers of the internet have kept in touch and our love has never died; just remained dormant while we explored who we were developing into as people, it feels like.

I do agree my husband deserves more than what I am able to give him right this moment, and he deserves it all the time. I'm just trying to figure out all those gut feelings I ignored while we were engaged, and seeing as the wedding was SO recently I think I can be pretty certain that the wedding was the catalyst for all this... It seemed like a good idea at the time, to commit myself to a (finances aside...) safe, stable relationship. And now it's almost like as soon as that decision has set in I'm deciphering all of my feelings and am scared to possibly discover that I've made the biggest mistake of my life..
Avatar universal
(sorry for the long post.. :/ )
134578 tn?1614729226
It seems like the advisors above are divided into two camps about your marriage, the one that says you should tell your husband you don't want to be married to him because it is not fair to lead him on, and the one that says that if you just stop living in a fantasy world about your Spanish friend you will be able to fully commit to your husband.

I'm definitely in the first camp.  When someone has been married only two months, that is as hot and honeymoon-ish as it is going to get, and even if someone had an unrealistic crush out there in the corner of her mind about someone else, usually it isn't going to become a factor in a marriage this early.  Maybe two years or three years out, when the fun and froth of a new marriage has begun to wear off, the fantasy person might begin to intrude in one's thoughts.  But not this early.  

That's why I say to end it cleanly, now.  If you husband ever felt like you had known early and just led him on and on, that would hurt him more than a clean break, so what if it is only two months into the marriage.

A side note -- it sounds like your husband was a fun, arty boyfriend, and planning the wedding was fun and exciting, but that only when you realized that the two of you might be living in arty, wishful poverty for years while he chased his dreams, did you realize that was not what you actually have in mind for a husband.  Boyfriend material, for sure.  Cute, artistic, fun.  Husband material?  Maybe not for you.  I don't think this is wrong -- my own sister divorced a guy that she had lots of fun with, but who simply was Peter Pan.  Fun, playful and creative, and they were living in a cabin and cutting their own firewood, but she was going to architecture school and then she got her M.A., and he was still living in the cabin and cutting firewood.  Her words for it -- "he just has no ambition."  That's one way to put it.

more -
134578 tn?1614729226
So, that is why I think you might as well call the marriage.  For you, who you are now (and don't overlook that it might be partly because you really are into boyfriends and fantasies right now and simply not ready to commit), you are realizing this marriage was a mistake on your part.  No matter if someone has been married two months or twenty years, if they are aware that they don't love their spouse and know this is not going to get better, the unaware spouse deserves to be let out of the sham so he can find someone who DOES love him in all reality.

If you think there is any truth to the suspicion of some of the women that the fantasy of the other guy is something no real relationship can live up to, before you do it, look carefully at what you will walk away from if you walk.  But in my opinion, no fantasy guy can knock a real marriage off its tracks.  A fantasy is a fantasy, but the real man you are married to is the one wiping your brow when you have the flu and noting what kind of Subway you like so he can order one for you sometime.  If you are into spinning a fantasy that beats that, then you're trying to get out of the present.  If you're trying that hard to get out, just get out.

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134578 tn?1614729226
Regarding your Spanish friend, I do tend to agree with the poster who said if it was meant to be, you two would have made it happen by now.  But once you have gotten the divorce and (very important) had a cooling-off period so you can get a grip on who you really are without all the wishful thinking, there is nothing wrong with going to see him.  I say this because I think that even if, fueled by the past and all the heat from your Internet communications, you start out hot and heavy, my guess is that the lack of reality in the relationship will begin to be clear  And that maybe, putting it to the test is the only thing that will ever take it off your marriage-spoiling back burner.  (Example, would you want to marry the high-school boyfriend of Angelina Jolie, with whom she keeps a warm Internet correspondence and for whom he carries a candle and always has?  I wouldn't either.  Your Spanish fantasy is the spoiler for all your future relationships if you don't test it.)  Once you are clean and clear, with many months in between the end of your marriage and any other guy, go see Mr. Spanish Fantasy, you can test it out.

Another poster on the site has been writing about difficulties she has with her husband from another culture.  He has, "against my will!!" given the key to their apartment to his mother, who has the nerve to drop in and put the kind of food he was raised on into the fridge (which kind of food, the wife will not cook).  She hates his closeness with his parents such that they think they can just drop in, she hates the implication she is not a good enough cook for him, and she is just generally torqued off and upset.  But, that is his culture.  I am afraid you are going to find that a Spanish man has a very different idea of what his wife should do than an American, especially if the wife has artistic pretentions and the husband is studying medicine (in other words, the Spanish guy is not an arty guy with liberal notions himself).  If you find that he expects to be out and come home and find you waiting with dinner and the kids all put to bed, this might not fit your definition of a husband any more than having a husband who is an indifferent financial provider does.

So, in short, I'd bite the bullet and admit you made a big flubbo with the marriage, and put on your list for a husband that you like fun boys but want a Republican when it comes to providing for the family, and then go and test the waters with Mr. Fantasy but remember that he might be too conservative in other ways.  

Good luck!
Avatar universal
Annie, thank you for your response.

Yes, I agree that the idea of marrying someone as creatively charged as I am was very exciting as I've never dated anyone in the same/similar field before. But he is 32 and very ambitious, and is definitely more of a "planner/worrier" than I am, which is more of a go-with-the-flow attitude while keeping some planning guidelines...  We wake up in the morning on days off and always one of the first things he asks is, "So how do you want today to look?" type of thing. This was something that I actually figured in the beginning would bring a bit more balance, and yet it hasn't exactly done that for me.
We have been discussing and recently planning on moving to Los Angeles for his career (I can work essentially anywhere as I'm mostly on my computer), and it was exciting to think about and to start budgeting and planning at first. He's highly ambitious, covers all of his bases and goes above and beyond what is expected of him in his acting/theater/film/tv industry as far as auditions go, continuing to network and maintain industry relationships, etc.
So with all his planning and wanting/needing to know what happens next (ironic, for an actor, and despite not being ANYWHERE financially secure..), instead of feeling relaxed and comfortable with these traits I find it boring, listless, and I think that  might be a big part of why the passion fell to the wayside so shortly after we became engaged.

I've also, all my life, been a serial monogamist.. As in, I'm not afraid of committment. I was with an ex for 3 1/2 years before I found out he was cheating on me with his study partner (college) and broke it off. Before that, another ex for 2 years who was having an emotional affair with HIS ex... maybe because I was on the other side of this "emotional affair" thing, with regard to the vastly different circumstances and especially just having gotten married, it is why I'm having such a hard time with this
134578 tn?1614729226
I actually wrote three responses.  Don't miss the other two.  lol
Avatar universal
You're also very right about waiting, if divorce is in the cards, before going to see the love in Spain. The cultural differences are certainly something that we realize have to be talked about even before I decide to go visit.

That you said my Spaniard is the spoiler for all future relationships if I don't test it eventually has kind of hit home.. That's exactly what it feels like, even if nothing comes of it. I feel like I have to see him just once, eventually. And then be able to make more decisions from there..
Avatar universal
haha yes, I think we were writing responses at the same time, so I saw it right after I clicked "post," so thank you!!
Avatar universal
I do not disagree with AnnieBrookes' take on any of this BUT

I do think You sound More Than A Bit (!!) immature in that You would marry In The First Place (!!) if it only took You two MONTHS(!!) to become disillusioned about the Man You married.  Two months is only 60 DAYS !!

I MUST REPEAT:

I sincerely don't understand how/why You could decide to marry In The First Place (!!) if You are questioning Your decision within 60 DAYS (!!)

Perhaps You SHOULD leave Your Husband as He does NOT deserve Your insincerity!!
BUT
You should NOT involve YourSelf with the "Spaniard" or Any Other Man (!!) until You have more insight within/for/about YourSelf

Complicate Your own life, if You so choose, but don't complicate others.
134578 tn?1614729226
Regarding your feeling that you "have to see" your guy in Spain at least once to put this all to rest, well, in fact you don't.  Because the perfect fantasy man that you have filled in on the cues he has provided is probably not really who he is.  If you believed that, you might decide not to bother.  But you sound like you won't stop believing this is an invention or a mutual fantasy until you try it out.  

Also, you're putting too much faith in the Internet if you think cultural differences are something you can just email and talk over and get past.  They come up over time.  They come up when someone does something natural to them, and the other person gets angry, offended or misinterprets the intention.  They are very subtle, and only show up after a while.  For example, some guys in more traditional cultures are aware girls sleep with their boyfriends, but they still heed their early conditioning that says that kind of girl is not the kind one marries.  Or they are troubled that their mama says this is not the kind of girl to marry, and they pay a lot of attention to her opinion.  Someone might intellectually know that is a double standard but still feel it emotionally.  You could run afoul of things like that (not necessarily that particular one) and never realize what was going wrong, but find that things are just off kilter a little bit in the relationship.

You like things to be creative and to go with the flow, and your husband's anxious planning and somewhat obsessive attempts to bring certainty to the kind of life that is never certain (an actor's is the most insecure life) make you drop with boredom.  This does, as Tinker says, sound kind of immature or else like you simply aren't in love with the guy.  (If you were nuts about hiim, you would jump into the planning and the worrying with enthusiasm, instead of letting it drain all your passionate feelings away instantly.)  I would look at that, what it is about the guy being anxious that makes you turned off (is it because you wanted him to be the big strong man and sweep you off your feet, and now you are seeing him as nervous about the future and you think that he's a wimp?)  I don't know what it is, but it is worth YOU knowing what it is, so you don't step into it again.  Don't look for a hero, look for a real guy.

Good luck, I'll leave this where I began it, which is, your husband deserves a woman who is crazy for him, not someone who is halfway out the door.  At the least, no matter what you do about your fantasy, give your real husband his freedom to find someone who fantasizes about him.
Avatar universal
Dear, you need to figure out what is going on with YOU and not worry about this Spaniard.  The other guy is nothing more than adding on complication to what's going on in your REAL life and in your REAL marriage.  

You haven't seen this man in YEARS and these "feelings" are based on nothing more than fantasy in your head.  You have never really interacted with this man in DAILY life as an ADULT.......only through technology.

You seem like a person who likes the thrill of being sweep off your feet and in the throes of new love and once that wears off and mundane life creeps in you cool off.  Maybe engagement and marriage just makes things too real and heavy for you......too mundane for you?  

Then........the cultural differences..........yeah, that's usually not easy to deal with.  A Spaniard is NO American.  Trust me.........very different.  Adjusting to someone else's culture for the sake of "love" is NO easy task.  Are prepared for all that if things heat up between you and this foreign guy?

You connected with your husband in the beginning and there was something there.  Perhaps before leaving him behind and hooking up with this Spaniard you really don't know you should consider couples' therapy.

If in the end you need out of the marriage, go for it, HOWEVER, you shouldn't be running straight to this Spanish guy.  

Proceed with CAUTION and proceed with GOOD JUDGEMENT.
3149845 tn?1506627771
"I of course said yes", what did you mean saying this as your state of mind and motives lie in the meaning of this statement. Also i would like to add that being in romantic contact withsome one other than your husband is called cheating and this situation is a direct result of this. If you did not cheat the option of being with the spainyard would not exist.

Your decision of choosing between the 2 is not a blessed act but the result from doing something wrong. It might be best to walk away from both and reflect on what you have created.
Avatar universal
The grass isn't always greener on the other side. I think you should speak to your husband and let him know you feel the spark is disappearing  then see what you can both do to try and make each other feel a little more special. You say the Spanish man must have know you had gotten engaged. If he truley wanted to be with you why did he not voice this before you were a married woman.  You say the honey moon phase only lasted two months. If you were in love with the Spanish man how did you even manage to feel that loved up. Some times you do have to put a little effert in to keep the magic alive. I beleive in all in or out. By allowing your self to become emotionally involved you are not all in. Maybe try all in before getting out. I think this man is fantasy and probably better left at that.
Avatar universal
I just read your post and I am in a very similar situation and I'm curious how you've handled it this far?  
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