Aa
No More Sex...or anything close to it
So, I am new to this but I thought I would put my situation out there and see what kind of response I receive. I have been engaged for 7 months now and have been physically close (sex, making out, etc.) with my fiance once...yes, only once in 7 months. Before our engagement we would get it on all the time...sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. We were both happy (I thought) and enjoyed each other tremendously. I try, and have tried to bring up the lack of physical connection in our relationship now and she takes offense saying that it shouldn't be what matters...which only angers me. I know that and I have proven (20 months of faithfulness and now a ring) that I am loyal to her and want to only be with her. Now, those feelings are changing and I am slowing beginning to resent her and not want to be around her. She has told me that it is an issue I need to deal with and I should talk to someone. I have tried to be respectful, but at this point I am full on worried and am considering backing out of the engagement. I have about 3 months until the big day and I don't want to be the jerk who backed out because of physical stuff (or lack of it), but I KNOW it is a big deal. She insists that I need to trust her and that it will be much easier for her once we are in a committed marriage. In the interest of full discloser she admitted to some past abuse that has contributed to her being able to be carefree with men when they are simply in a relationship, but now it is much more serious and she cannot help, but fear sex and sexual things...we haven't even made-out...so pathetic and sad in my opinion. I have had to ask her if we can make out and it feels very strange when we do. Are we doomed??? She has also said that it is the "Christian" thing to wait, but I don't believe that is the problem and is it really Christian to only peck before marriage??. I am about to explode in many different ways... I need advice...thoughtful advice. I love her and I feel like I have been there for her, but I am losing my sex drive and she is starting to look at me in a horrible way. I feel like I am unattractive to her (which again, she says is my own insecurity and I need to get help for it). Should I ask to postpone the marriage until the issues are resolved, or break it off all together? I have never been this stressed out in my life. Sorry for the chapter book, but I had a lot to say.
You don't have kids. RUN!!! CANCEL THE MARRIAGE.
First of all sex, if and when you have it will most likely be done for procreation or have a handle for controlling you. Her values are the values of St. Paul who was a misogynist, charlatan, and a conman.
This is what will happen you will have kids, begin doubting your self-worth, maybe your sexuality, your spirit will either become crushed and you will fail at your other goals or you will become a work-aholic just so you can stay away from her,
and these are the good possibilities!! You need to run as if the furies of Hades or the Harpies of H@II were chasing you because if you get married that is surely what you will be living with.
I have just seen this happen too many times to guys.
As to guiding the conversation? Just explain to her that you are kind of concerned that maybe neither of you are ready for marriage yada-yada somewhere public where she won't knife you , break something over your head etc.... Dude unless you can be real smooth which you say you aren't there is going to be ugly splattered all over the walls and you are going to be facing abuse, or tears as she realizes that her wedding displays are off.
DON'T TELL HER YOU TALKED ONLINE ABOUT THIS!!
WHAT you may want to do is talk to a minister of a faith that requires its members to have psychological training. A Rabii, or a jesuit priets etc..
First of all sex, if and when you have it will most likely be done for procreation or have a handle for controlling you. Her values are the values of St. Paul who was a misogynist, charlatan, and a conman.
This is what will happen you will have kids, begin doubting your self-worth, maybe your sexuality, your spirit will either become crushed and you will fail at your other goals or you will become a work-aholic just so you can stay away from her,
and these are the good possibilities!! You need to run as if the furies of Hades or the Harpies of H@II were chasing you because if you get married that is surely what you will be living with.
I have just seen this happen too many times to guys.
As to guiding the conversation? Just explain to her that you are kind of concerned that maybe neither of you are ready for marriage yada-yada somewhere public where she won't knife you , break something over your head etc.... Dude unless you can be real smooth which you say you aren't there is going to be ugly splattered all over the walls and you are going to be facing abuse, or tears as she realizes that her wedding displays are off.
DON'T TELL HER YOU TALKED ONLINE ABOUT THIS!!
WHAT you may want to do is talk to a minister of a faith that requires its members to have psychological training. A Rabii, or a jesuit priets etc..
there is no easy way to tell her just tell her the truth, like teko said tell it like you posted here, and hold fast because she will certainly try to talk you into going ahead with the marriage, unless she has a temper and shows it luck jo
I think you're very wise to take this so seriously, wondering. Best wishes with this conversation - the thing is, you need to make it very clear that you fell in love with the girl of your dreams, compatible in every way - and wanted to spend the rest of your life together and immediately she changed. The woman you were very happy to marry is no longer there -
Who knows, maybe this will turn out better than you think, and this will really wake her up. It's unrealistic for her to go from hot to cold and expect you to still feel the same way about her - she has changed so significantly that she's no longer a match at this point.
You're being very wise to take this so seriously. Lots of engaged couples call off a marriage - it's not like you're stiffing her at the altar. It's completely respectable to decide during the engagement process that the marriage would be a mistake.
Not fun, though. Best wishes with your decisions.
Who knows, maybe this will turn out better than you think, and this will really wake her up. It's unrealistic for her to go from hot to cold and expect you to still feel the same way about her - she has changed so significantly that she's no longer a match at this point.
You're being very wise to take this so seriously. Lots of engaged couples call off a marriage - it's not like you're stiffing her at the altar. It's completely respectable to decide during the engagement process that the marriage would be a mistake.
Not fun, though. Best wishes with your decisions.
Thank you for all of the responses. It sounds like the overwhelming response is to postpone or call it off. I tried to sleep on it (had trouble) and I think it is the right thing to do. It is going to be stange/awkward with everyone, but that's not what is important. Sadly, I think it will be the end of the relationship as it seems she already has trust issues. Any ideas on how to guide the conversation. I am not the most tactful person, and I don't want to make her feel bad about it, but the point needs to be made.... Thanks again!
Why don't you suggest going to pre-marital counseling, although if you go to a Christian counselor he/she may agree with your fiance. I don't think that you should postpone or cancel the marriage, that will only push her away more. While I do agree that sex is important in a relationship I don't think that it is important enough to break a couple up because of a dry spell.
I don't think it is fair to completely disregard the Christian aspect of it. Maybe she decided that she wants to start living her life in a more respectable way to please God.
I have known Christian couples that wouldn't go further than holding hands until marriage because they didn't feel that they could control themselves if they went any further.
I do agree with slowhealer in that your fiance needs to communicate with you more. If she refuses to seek counseling or wont give you the answers you are seeking than maybe you should postpone the wedding. But don't postpone solely on the fact that she inst giving it up.
I don't think it is fair to completely disregard the Christian aspect of it. Maybe she decided that she wants to start living her life in a more respectable way to please God.
I have known Christian couples that wouldn't go further than holding hands until marriage because they didn't feel that they could control themselves if they went any further.
I do agree with slowhealer in that your fiance needs to communicate with you more. If she refuses to seek counseling or wont give you the answers you are seeking than maybe you should postpone the wedding. But don't postpone solely on the fact that she inst giving it up.
This is the beauty of engagement - this is exactly what it's for. A time to declare to each other that you're really serious about getting married, and are in the final stages of making that decision.
This is a no. I wouldn't even view this as a postponement, but just a no.
You don't want to live the rest of your life with woman who doesn't want to have sex.
Good thing you're not married yet - engagements are embarrassing to break, but there's a lot to respect in someone who is willing to admit and repair a mistake.
This is a no. I wouldn't even view this as a postponement, but just a no.
You don't want to live the rest of your life with woman who doesn't want to have sex.
Good thing you're not married yet - engagements are embarrassing to break, but there's a lot to respect in someone who is willing to admit and repair a mistake.
Slow_Healer gave the best response out of all these similar responses (IMHO). Postpone the wedding. No one need know why. Postponing isn't the same as cancelling it alltogether.
Tell your fiance that you really feel that she needs counseling before the marriage to help her with her past - and current - issues. Tell her that you discussed this privately (no names) on a health board and 99% of the commenters (including mostly women) don't feel that the issue is with morality or Christian issues but lie with something more deep-rooted - perhaps to her previous abuse. As with the "Christianity thing" I still find her response hard to believe -
"she admitted to some past abuse that has contributed to her being able to be carefree with men when they are simply in a relationship, but now it is much more serious and she cannot help, but fear sex and sexual things."
Despite these supposed "causes," give her an out when you suggest counseling. You can't tell for sure WHAT the real issue is... and neither can she! She may be deceitful on her real reasons but don't go in, guns drawn, accusing her. Give her the out that it may be this, that, or the other - you just want the two of you to go to counseling whatever the case or cause.
Tell her that if she isn't willing to devote her time to some counseling now, then you don't think she will have the ability to give you quality time later, once you are married, and you cannot see your way through to actually getting married unless she is willing to do this for the sake of your relationship right here and now.
If she still says "no," or "its your problem" then tell her you will be post-poning the wedding.
Tell your fiance that you really feel that she needs counseling before the marriage to help her with her past - and current - issues. Tell her that you discussed this privately (no names) on a health board and 99% of the commenters (including mostly women) don't feel that the issue is with morality or Christian issues but lie with something more deep-rooted - perhaps to her previous abuse. As with the "Christianity thing" I still find her response hard to believe -
"she admitted to some past abuse that has contributed to her being able to be carefree with men when they are simply in a relationship, but now it is much more serious and she cannot help, but fear sex and sexual things."
Despite these supposed "causes," give her an out when you suggest counseling. You can't tell for sure WHAT the real issue is... and neither can she! She may be deceitful on her real reasons but don't go in, guns drawn, accusing her. Give her the out that it may be this, that, or the other - you just want the two of you to go to counseling whatever the case or cause.
Tell her that if she isn't willing to devote her time to some counseling now, then you don't think she will have the ability to give you quality time later, once you are married, and you cannot see your way through to actually getting married unless she is willing to do this for the sake of your relationship right here and now.
If she still says "no," or "its your problem" then tell her you will be post-poning the wedding.
If this problem can't be resolved, postpone the wedding. It won't magically go away after you get married. You've expressed to her that this is important to you (as it would be to anyone) and she's expressed her unwillingness to deal with it. Even worse, she's made it primarily your problem and disregarded her role in it. That's not healthy communication on which to found a marriage.
If I were in your shoes, I'd insist that she seek counselling regarding her past abuse. Marriage isn't going to wipe away that "dirty" feeling. If she genuinely doesn't enjoy sex now (I don't buy the Christian excuse either), what are the chances of that changing in the future?
If I were in your shoes, I'd insist that she seek counselling regarding her past abuse. Marriage isn't going to wipe away that "dirty" feeling. If she genuinely doesn't enjoy sex now (I don't buy the Christian excuse either), what are the chances of that changing in the future?
I don't buy the Christian excuse, either. But that's not what bothers me.
You tell her your concerns about the issues in the relationship and her response is basically "That's your problem. Get over it??????" That to me does not sound like someone who is willing to meet you halfway to solve problems.
After all the time you've invested in this relationship I can see where it would be very difficult to leave now. But one of the reasons for dating someone is to see if they are compatible for you for life. Are you sure she is compatible with you?
Right now from what you've said I don't see this getting any better after marriage. She can't just hope or wish it gets better she and you have to "know" it will.
Do you want to live this way the rest of your life?
You tell her your concerns about the issues in the relationship and her response is basically "That's your problem. Get over it??????" That to me does not sound like someone who is willing to meet you halfway to solve problems.
After all the time you've invested in this relationship I can see where it would be very difficult to leave now. But one of the reasons for dating someone is to see if they are compatible for you for life. Are you sure she is compatible with you?
Right now from what you've said I don't see this getting any better after marriage. She can't just hope or wish it gets better she and you have to "know" it will.
Do you want to live this way the rest of your life?
Just from reading your post, i would say wait about the wedding, she had no problem with sex until the engagment, so i do not buy the Christian bit, it might work if you had not have had sex before, but not now, also if you have doubts just think about a life commitment wait and see what develops before you tie the knot forever quite frankly her story does not make any sense to me luck jo
I must admit I have trouble buying the 'Christian' story. If she was that concerned about pre-marital sex conflicting with her religious beliefs, she wouldn't have been having sex with you before your engagement. Sounds more to me like this is an excuse, the reasons lie elsewhere. The same with the story that it will be easier within a committed marriage - if she was comfortable with sex before, and will be comfortable with it again once there's a ring on her finger, it doesn't add up that she's not comfortable now. You're engaged, your 3 months away from your wedding, that's already pretty committed.
I feel for you, 'cos you've got a very difficult decision right now. You can't be sure right now that things will be better once you're married. If you end up married and find yourself unhappy because your needs still aren't being met, it's likely the marriage won't last very long, and that would be more tragic and hurtful for both of you than if you called it off at this stage. However, it does sound like you love this girl and want to have a future with her, and calling off the wedding is a VERY big step, and you have a deadline - you can't just let the current situation carry on and see how it develops. You need to decide now whether you are going to go ahead or not.
I would strongly advise counselling - for both of you, and ideally for her on her own as well. She's got some issues she probably still needs to work through related to her abuse.
Good luck!
I feel for you, 'cos you've got a very difficult decision right now. You can't be sure right now that things will be better once you're married. If you end up married and find yourself unhappy because your needs still aren't being met, it's likely the marriage won't last very long, and that would be more tragic and hurtful for both of you than if you called it off at this stage. However, it does sound like you love this girl and want to have a future with her, and calling off the wedding is a VERY big step, and you have a deadline - you can't just let the current situation carry on and see how it develops. You need to decide now whether you are going to go ahead or not.
I would strongly advise counselling - for both of you, and ideally for her on her own as well. She's got some issues she probably still needs to work through related to her abuse.
Good luck!
I am too tired to give you a long and thoughtful response now but I just want to say this much. You have my full empathy.
I really understand why you feel the way you do and it's a very big deal and something is wrong. I get you. it's not normal and it's not good enough whatever excuse she has given you. go with your gut feelings that it's not right. kat.
I really understand why you feel the way you do and it's a very big deal and something is wrong. I get you. it's not normal and it's not good enough whatever excuse she has given you. go with your gut feelings that it's not right. kat.
Sex is only one part of a relationship. To me, the question is, are you willing to go ahead with your marriage due to your emotional love for this woman? Do you love her so much that you want to spend your life with her?
There obviously is no physical problem with love-making - you have already done that with her.
Therefore it is either a social and/or religious and/or mental thing. The first two dissappear with the marriage vows. If it is the third, you can always seek counseling for that.
There are psychological and even sexual counselors available everywhere to help with any problems that still exist after marriage.
So it all comes back to your love for her.
There obviously is no physical problem with love-making - you have already done that with her.
Therefore it is either a social and/or religious and/or mental thing. The first two dissappear with the marriage vows. If it is the third, you can always seek counseling for that.
There are psychological and even sexual counselors available everywhere to help with any problems that still exist after marriage.
So it all comes back to your love for her.
"but now it is much more serious and she cannot help, but fear sex and sexual things."
-this part of the sexual relationship and the effects of past abuse made sense to me. not to offend you, but it made me think that she possibly was having sex with you in the beginning in order to be with you and keep you interested in her. it may have never been a comfortable, fulfilling position for her.
"she admitted to some past abuse that has contributed to her being able to be carefree with men when they are simply in a relationship" -her saying this, is what made me think of that and is also something i hadn't heard of. it perhaps means what i said above. that when she's involved in a relationship, she may give into pressure to have sex or be willing to in order to be with the guy. just some thoughts b/c i once was that reserved, christian girl
i think all couples should undergo premarital counseling. she also may want to go to counseling herself to overcome some of the effects of the abuse she suffered
best wishes
-this part of the sexual relationship and the effects of past abuse made sense to me. not to offend you, but it made me think that she possibly was having sex with you in the beginning in order to be with you and keep you interested in her. it may have never been a comfortable, fulfilling position for her.
"she admitted to some past abuse that has contributed to her being able to be carefree with men when they are simply in a relationship" -her saying this, is what made me think of that and is also something i hadn't heard of. it perhaps means what i said above. that when she's involved in a relationship, she may give into pressure to have sex or be willing to in order to be with the guy. just some thoughts b/c i once was that reserved, christian girl
i think all couples should undergo premarital counseling. she also may want to go to counseling herself to overcome some of the effects of the abuse she suffered
best wishes
Agreed. She also went into how the abuse (by one of her teachers) made her think of sex in a dirty way and she wanted to avoid it at all costs, but once we are married she thinks she will feel more secure in the relationship. I feel like maybe i am focusing too much on it, but it worries me a lot and I guess my main concern is whether or not I should postpone to try and figure things out.
also adding i have heard of christian couples saying that they didn't make out or even kiss much before marriage. said it would lead them into other things if they had...
no problem. The Christian aspect is puzzling...I agree that sometimes its good to wait for sex or some women want to hold off..and I want to respect her in that way, but to do absolutely nothing else is what worries me...
hmmmm....though i as a christian don't agree with or encourage premarital sex, im puzzled as to why she stopped after engagement as well. i figured it's b/c she maybe wanted to move away from a sinful lifestyle and you both to be celibate leading up to the marriage, but, what really stumps me is what she said about the abuse. it sounds a bit backwards and weird to me. sorry i couldn't help
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
