Do not know what to do

[Sadness12]

My heart is very heavy as I am so very unhappy in my marriage with my husband.  The problem is that I love him but I feel that it is a one way deal.  One of our main issues is that he is a drug addict and I am not in fact I’ve never done drugs, I’m scared of them.  I don’t think he is faithful, I think he is physically faithful but spends a lot of time on the internet, in chat rooms etc.  He says he loves me but that we differ on the way we express our love.  I am the breadwinner in our home.  I have a great career and have been relatively successful at it.  I feel used.  I don’t know  why I am having a hard time letting him go.  We do not have kids together; in fact my kids are grown from a previous marriage.  Financially, I would be better off without him.  In spite of all this, I love him and it hurts.  I’m scared of being alone, let’s face it at 44 my chances of finding love are slim to none.  I am still relatively attractive but I am 44.  So I feel if I don’t try to make this work, I will be alone for the rest of my life.  I know people say that I need to embrace that and be okay with that.  I don’t want to do that.  I don’t want to be alone, to come home to be just with myself and NO a dog would not be a good substitute for companionship.  That’s seems to be everyone solution, “get a dog”.  It’s usually people in happy marriages who tell me I need to just be alone and be happy with it.  I just do not know what to do.

[specialmom]

Stay strong and follow  your gut feelings.  Do come back and let us know how it is going.  Peace and be well

[Sadness12]

My next appointment with my therapist is next Tuesday.  I will be taking some time off as my family is coming up.  I have the need to make sure all things look normal around the house till they are gone.  I am just not ready to let my family know what I am dealing with.  My sister knows but she is a recovering addict herself and has been a big help.  I just wished we lived closer to each other.  I am very proud of her.  I set here at working getting disgusted with the situation.  Things I have kinda over looked.  Things I have excepted that may not be so normal or maybe they are.  Like my husband has a (this is the best way to describe it gracefully) a prosthetic device that resembles a man's member that he uses for his own pleasure.  Is that normal?  I mean I am not a prude by no means but that just seems strange to me.  IDK, I can go on and on about things that just do not set well with me.  Sometimes I wonder if he is the type to hang out in park bathrooms.  I worry about this stuff.  Something besides his addiction just causes a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  

Anyway, it is nice to be able to write all this stuff out.  I have not been able to go into all of the things I want to with my therapist.  I had to change therapist due to my insurance.  My last therapist was a man and I did not feel that comfortable about talking about some things.  This will be my 4th visit with her.  I will come back after my time off and let u guys know how it is going.  Thanks so much for everyone's response!  

[specialmom]

Hi dear.  Part of a codependent lifestyle and living with an addict is putting on appearances.  You naturally resist friends and getting close to someone because then they'll 'know'.  This is a common pattern and part of the unhealthy codependency cycle.  

I think you're on the right track.  Reach out to a support group and understand that after you do the work of breaking this cycle for yourself, there is a new life waiting for you.  

Treating your own depression is critical to your ability to move on in a successful way.  I wish you the best of luck and hope that you stay in touch and let us know how it goes dear.  

[Sadness12]

All very sound advise and actually what I am hearing from my therapist.  One reason why I don't have friends here is that I have only lived in this area 4 years.  My job caused me to move.  Also, I have made myself believe it is hard to have friends living with a drug addict.  That is all me right there...I know.  I am going to try and find an al-anon group or something.  I need to get back on somekind of depression med.  I just do not like feeling like a zombie so I stopped taking them.  I wanted to be a bright spot in my husband's life, instead, I am just living in the dark.

[Londres70]

All great advice above.    

His (your husband's) idea of a "good husband" is very skewed.  

[deadmemory]

If you want you can add me as a MH friend and you can PM me and I will talk/listen anytime.. I hope things get better for you soon!

You're in my thoughts and prayers my friend

[RainLover71]

I agree with all of the above,top advice by everyone so there is really not much I can add to this.I wish you all the best.

[Ashelen]

Not college-dependent... Codependent. Silly autocorrect.

[Ashelen]

Look up Coda.Org and see if there are any meetings near you. Sometimes a peer based support group can make all the difference.  CoDA helps people in college-dependent relationships.  Best of luck... You've gotten some great advice here.

[shell921]

What does your therapist say about this situation? Specialmom is right - you are in a co-dependent relationship. Join an exercise class - take long walks - look for meet up groups on yahoo--join a book club. Your husband is not being supportive or kind to you. If he does not want to clean up then you have to leave. Sometimes when husbands wives leave them they realize they must get help for themselves. Several people said it--you really are alone and what are you actually GETTING out of staying with this loser?

[RockRose]

I agree with the others,  and I also think a big concern is that you don't have any friends.  This is your choice,  for whatever reason,  to not have a circle of women friends - if you had close women friends,  you wouldn't be so desperate to hold on to this marriage that is hurting you so badly.

I think you need to do some soulsearching and discover why you have chosen to live your life with no friends,   and then work to change that.

[brice1967]

All of the information above is very sound advice.  Very sound.  I am sorry that you've found yourself in this situation, and I also somewhat understand your confusion.

I'm not going to advocate staying or leaving.  What I will say is this.  This is your decision, this is your life.  You deserve happiness anywhere you find it.  I believe in second chances, but I believe a second chance cannot be squandered.

I advise looking at the entire history of the relationship.  Do an honest inventory of the entire relationship, and be totally honest.  Then take a very honest inventory of you.... are you where you want to be?  If you're not, you need to find and address whatever it is holding you back.  

[specialmom]

Oh sweetie, when we are in a codependent relationship with an addict, we often isolate ourselves.  I feel strongly that there is a whole world out there waiting for you.  I'd google for al anon meetings in your area as this is a support group for people that are going through the exact same thing.  Then other things you can do is to join a Y or gym.  Take an exercise class----  you will become friendly with others you see there.  (plus it is good for mind and body).  Join a book club, etc.  You will make contacts and eventually friends and then down the road, have a group surrounding you to make you realize you have chosen to be alone due to these circumstances and that you never had to be.  

But start with an al anon meeting.  I wish you so much luck and know that we are here any time for you.

[Sadness12]

Thanks for all of the comments, besides my therapist, I have no one else to talk to about it.  I don't have any friends and I am the only woman in my group at work.  So I feel really alone.  I do know what I need to do but so scared to do it.  Hopefully I will get the courage to do what I need to do.

[specialmom]

Dear, other than having a warm body (on drugs and sitting on the computer), what is the difference between this relationship and being alone?  I am glad you are seeing a therapist and perhaps Al Anon would be good for you to begin attending.  He's not getting help and therefore really isn't a candidate for a relationship.  Even if he gets help, he is a high risk partner as he seems likely to switch his addictions.  Addiction is just part of the problem----------  the majority of addicts suffere emotional issues as well and unless those are carefully addressed, they often never recover.  

I'm just being honest with you. I'm a couple of years older than you and feel sad that you feel that this life is better than what you could have.  I'm sure you are working with your therapist as to why you feel this way.  

I think you are at a crossroads and that is hard.  You are aware that this situation isn't working or good for you but are paralized with fear.  Don't let that hold you down.  YOu do deserve a real partner and you'll NEVER have that if you stay.  Maybe some miracle will happen and he'll get clean and sober and emotionally healthy------------  but I don't see it happening.  I'm sorry, that is so blunt.  But I just want to reach out to you to help you realize that you have had a choice all along with what you were willing to put up with.  You still have a choice and do not have to live in a fake relationship.  good luck dear

[TTinKKerBBell]

I cannot say it better than SpecialMom did!!

Shell921 had an excellent suggestion as well.  There is "good" and "bad" in every relationship.  If the good outweighs the bad one might stay, but if the bad outweighs the good - then it's time to leave.  So I agree, make Your list.

It took 15 years for me to leave a VERY bad, very hurtful Marriage but when I did, when I FINALLY did the thing I feared the most, I lost the fear.  Being brave doesn't mean You are not afraid - being brave means You ARE afraid - but You do it anyway.
Regards,
Tinkerbel

[Sadness12]

I know I am codependent and I am seeing a therapist.  Shell921, I have done that too.  He does not seem to want to be clean.  He says I need to accept him the way he is.  He is trying to make a business go and I think he would be successful at it if it was not for the drugs.  He thinks I am being over dramatic because he believes he is a good husband because he does not run around on me or abuse me.  He even thinks he is a good catch.  I do feel lonely.  Our sex life is very sad.  He does not seem to be interested in me, he says it is not me but him.  That at his age, sex becomes less important.  I mean I understand that to a point, I do not feel the need to be as active as I was in my 20s but heck, I am a couple years older than him and I still want to be intimate.  The only thing he wants to be intimate with is himself with the aid of porn.  It makes me feel so ugly and unwanted.  I am so depressed.  I try to talk to him about my fears and issues.  He says that all I do is think about myself, that it is all about me.  When he is not using, we get along really well except there is no sex unless he is high which also makes me feel ugly and used......  

[shell921]

take a paper and make 2 columns - one is reasons to stay and the other is reasons to go. write down all you can think of for each category. put the list away and think about it. take it out the next day --re-read and add to it. he's a drug addict--you support him - this really doesn't look like it's going to be in your best interests to stay in this situation. he doesn't want to get clean and get a JOB? he sounds like a loser type bum to me.

[specialmom]

Sweetie, you ARE alone in this relationship already.  You can not have a true relationship with an addict as they have things that rule their life over and above your relationship.  And he has a couple of addictions-----  drugs and the internet both.  

Sure, I can tell you that you'll be happier without him.  That IS easy for me to say as I am not you.  But you are unhappy now.  You already know that.  You DON'T know if you'll be unhappy without him.  That is the great unknown and I wouldn't let fear hold me back.  

I would start with a good therapist and figure out why a codependent life has been 'alright' with you.  This is important because this is a subconsious pattern that repeats------  sometimes without our first being aware of it.  so you really need to explore why you have been going through the motions for so long.  Don't date at all for a while and get your head together.  Learn what it is like to have a home without a sick person living in it (your husband), learn who you are as an individual that isn't saving someone, figure out who you want to be and what kind of life you really want.  

again, easy for me to say as I don't have to live it.  but I know the kind of home you have and it is no way to live.  Free yourself for better.  

You can love someone and say that this relationship isn't working and you aren't healthy for me (or healthy period).  
I wish you peace and hope that you can find your way out.  good luck