Please Help Me... I need advice ASAP

[bigmistake22]

I am in a seriously committed relationship with the complete love of my life. Weve shared over 4 amazing years together. She is the best thing in the whole world and Ive always been the most perfect amazing person I could ever be for her and have always made her the happiest girl in the world. She is my soulmate and I want nothing more then to treat her like a queen until the day I die and grow old together with a beautiful family. I have always been a sweet loving person until i screwed up big time and Ive hated myself ever since. I have always been loyal and never cheated on anyone nor thought I even could. Awhile ago, i went with a few of my friends on a guys weekend and we ended up at a strip club. I never go to these places and went with the same group of guys to vegas for a fiends bachelor party a couple of years ago. In vegas we went to the strip club 2 nights in a row and I never let a stripper come near me. My friends all have long-term girlfriends but are the type of guys who routinely get lapdances from strippers and some even more, while i always looked down upon this and never partook in these kind of activities. However this time around, i was at the strip club and got solicited by one of the dancers to go for a lap dance in the private area of the club as all my friends were doing. I was drunk, felt a bit pressured by the girl but I made a stupid but conscious decision to, I have no one to blame but myself. This girl was gross and I honestly dont remember what she looks like. Right away when we got to the couches the girl grabbed my privates over my pants and asked what we were going to do. I said Im not interested in anything like that! She said will you at least stay for 2 dances. I said I couldnt as we were about to leave the club soon to go to the casino. So she said if you pay me for 2 dances Ill make this one alot better..implying that she would let me touch her and also touch me down there.

[Purplepink88]

I honestly don't see anything major for her to break up with u... Maybe she will be upset but not to the point of leaving you... U know it was a mistake and just talk to her... The same thing happen to my bf and he told me a yet later. I was upset but got over it because I know the kind if guy he is.

I think I'm in a bigger problem than you.. You have a have a chance I don't :( go talk to her and be happy.

[specialmom]

Hey, if alcohol makes you do things you wouldn't ordinarily do, then I'd cut out the alcohol.  If my husband did this (or boyfriend)--- yeah.  I'd be ticked off.  It shows a lack of restraint.  You sound like you ordinarily have it so this was a mistake.  If alcohol is involved, well, don't let that become a habit.  

And unless you have sworn to secrecy all your friends and trust them, your girlfriend may find out.  My husband has gone to bachelor parties and while he starts off being quiet, he always spills the dirt.  I know which of his married friends have gotten lap dances.  Not too many thankfully.  but when there are witnesses, sometimes it is best to fess up if she asks. good luck

[shelly448]

You are not a horrible person. Many guys go through similar situations.  A lot is riding on what you do next... If you are honest and straightforward with your girlfriend she may be upset, but she will know deep down that she can trust you and that you feel remorse. If you go any longer without telling her and she someday finds out... She will think it was worse than it was and trust will go out the window. She may wonder why you didn't tell her and feel as if you had something to hide. Guys go to strip clubs sometimes. It does not make them monsters. However, lying and keeping things from your girlfriend is NOT OK. be honest and reassure her that she is the love of your life and that you learned your lesson. She should get over it. I know I would.

[bigmistake22]

I ran out of characters. What ended up transpiring was her grinding on me and eventually unzipping my pants and rubbing my privates with her hand for about 30 secs to a min. I felt myself about to climax and yanked her hand away but it was too late and i got off from the whole thing in my pants.  Ever since then I feel like I broke my soul. Ive never been so ashamed from something Ive done. I did something so out of character and I feel like an animal. I acted on pure instinct and dont know how I could have done something so sleazy and horrific and not even think of the consequences. I never thought I was capable of doing this, its one big nightmare. I had no reason to do it. I have the sexiest most beautiful girl by my side and a great sex life. I was totally wracked with guilt and shame and wanted to confess everything . I ended up waiting a couple of weeks and finally mustered up the courage to confess. I told her I got a lapdance and that the stripper got a lot closer then I wanted her to, but chickened out when looking at her to tell her the whole truth. About 3 weeks after that I told her there was more and that I let the stripper touch me under my pants. I chickened out again and that it was only for a few minutes and I got up. I feel like such a coward. All I want to do is take responsibility and face the consequences of what Ive done. Ive lied to her. Ive cheated her. Ive completely blindsided her with this and for what! I still havent told her the truth and I feel so sick inside. I dont know what to do from here. Several months have passed since my last "confession". She forgave me for what I have admitted, but it really was so much worse. I am having a hard time functioning and its on my mind 24/7. I love her to death. Im completely depressed. I never in a million years expected this of myself. I broke her trust for something so meaningless. I lost my innocence and heart that night. Not a soul knows any of this.

[RockRose]

Bigmistake,  IMHO,  that wasn't as big a mistake as you're about to make.

I wouldn't tell her.  Just let it go.  Don't go back into a strip club,  and live happily ever after.


No one is going to find out about this if you don't tell them,  and this won't help anyone at all,  certainly not her,  and not you.

Let it go.

[bigmistake22]

can you read my follow up post and respond. theres alot more to the story. its below your post.
thanks, i appreciate the help

[RainLover71]

You made a mistake but you feel remorse and I doubt you will ever do this again--love your woman because she is forever--you're just another John for that stripper and she couldn't give a rats a$$ about you.I wish you all the best.There was a heated Journal yesterday about men who cheat,etc and why they do it when they constantly say they love their wives/girlfriends so much--I guess we will never know the answer.

[specialmom]

Hi, I read the rest of your post dear.  I guess silence could be golden here because in essence, you allowed a sex worker contact with you.  Yeah, I'd be pretty upset.  That is more than a lap dance.  

She'll probably break up with you for it as this makes you high risk for cheating.  


So, it is up to you if you want to admit to having a lap dance (witnesses?) but I too would leave out the other part if you can.  Because there is probably no excuse for it and she is going to think you cheated in a way.  

ugh.  I'd really not drink anymore.  good luck

[bigmistake22]

I would NEVER do something like this again (i would honestly rather die...a thousand times over) ...and i know she knows that. She has in essence an idea of what I let happen. I honestly wanted to be forthcoming. She knows i let her touch me inappropriately under my pants. Just not for how long. Im so ashamed. It makes no sense to me as to why I did it, other then got tempted in the heat of the moment and didnt restrain myself. I honestly had no intentions of anything of the sort happening when I went for that dance. Its just AWFUL and your right theres no excuse for it. Its just so sickening. I regret it with every inch of me.

[Hobby10]

Forgive yourself.  And let it go.  Whether it was 10 seconds or ten minutes what difference does it make?  It's over.  It it makes u feel better confess the whole truth but the smart thing is probably just forget it. Let it go and forgive yourself.  Peace and love hobby

[specialmom]

I think sometimes we make mistakes and they make us better people.  Yes, I'd be so very hurt and upset if my partner did this.  But on the plus side, you've now gone to the edge where you legitimately could lose your relationship for a stupid moment of losing control.  What is the lesson you now have?  Don't ever put yourself in that situation again as it isn't worth it.  Try to cut back on your drinking and avoid strip clubs.  

I do wish you luck.  You sound like a sincere and good person.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

Stay out of strip clubs - if You've seen one, You've seen them all!!  

Stay away from alcohol - It messed with Your Integrity, Your Morals, Your Faithfulness, etc.

I too think You sound sincere but You have learned that alcohol and strip clubs don't work well together - actually, standing alone BOTH (alcohol AND strip clubs) can ruin relationships and nothing GOOD comes from either one anyway.

I vote You tell no more.  Your shame and Your regret is YOUR price to pay for what You did and hopefully will prevent You from EVER doing such again.  Your Lady should not have to pay a price for what You did - and She will, if You tell Her more.  This is Your burden and should not be Hers.

[bigmistake22]

Thank you to all who responded. I am very appreciative. I would welcome any more advice I could get.
At this point, I realize theres nothing I can do to change what I have done, but the betrayal is so deep. Ive never kept anything from her. The dishonesty is what is killing me now. I swore that was all that happened. I plan on getting engaged in the upcoming months but feel sick that I have this between us. Im really at a loss.

[RockRose]

Hm.  You've really given full physical details here,  and I have to say,  that incident isn't the kind of thing that cuts women to the core.  The kind of betrayal here,  is kind of passive and also kind of ick,  and if your girlfriend knew the whole truth and read through this post it's not the kind of thing that would leave her wounded.   It's not erotic,  it wouldn't make her doubt her own allure,  it's just kind of icky and vulgar.

I still say don't tell her,  although this isn't the kind of thing that would cut a woman off at the knees.

And in the future,  don't go to any more strip clubs.  ;D

[bigmistake22]

Hey tinker....
I dont see it as a price paying game. Shes my soulmate. I want to be truly one with her. I let her down. I know it. I screwed up HUGE. But I made in my mind an equal if not greater mistake by being so cowardly in trying to own up to it and then minimizing the extent of the incident and swearing thats all it was. Not once but twice. I dragged my word through the mud through this whole process. I just want to make things right and love her forever and treat her like she deserves. I have done that up to these mistakes i have made, and want to return and be the person i always was. Honest, loving, and loyal. I trust myself to never stray ever again. Ive never even flirted with another person. This whole thing is sickening.

[specialmom]

Well, take this as a valuable lesson.  Priceless lesson.  Since she is willing to stay with you and work through this----  fall on your sword when you need to but move onto a relationship in which you are both more 'aware'.  And counseling is always there if you need someone to be in the middle to help you through rough patches.  good luck

[TTinKKerBBell]

You totally misunderstood if You think I see this as a "price paying game"
NOT A GAME - A BURDEN - a BURDEN that You "deserve" to carry and She does not!!  You EARNED the guilt.

I agree this whole thing is sickening!!

but what's done is done and most of us feel You would hurt Her further by telling Her more.  You say You want to "return" to being Honest, Loyal, and Loving - well, You can't "return" to that by telling Her that You were DIS-Honest and DIS-Loyal.

Guilt is the price YOU pay for not hurting Her FURTHER - Man Up and carry Your guilt.  Telling Her does not/will not make HER feel better.
You would be hurting Her in order to make YourSelf feel better??!!

I simply think You would be making a bad thing worse

[bigmistake22]

Thank you for your response. I know only hurt can come from further confession. But I havent been able to heal from this. Its always on my mind and its pretty much several months after the fact. Things are great right now, it was really only dealt with over the course of 2 days and things are as normal. She is so happy with me, but I feel like I lost myself through this whole thing. I dont feel as loving and feel like i dont deserve to be loved like she loves me. I just want to bury this as it was so meaningless, but its ruined me. I dont love myself. I need to love myself to truly give her all my love. Ive cried to myself pretty much every night. I just want to be honest with her. I know its in the past, but the ongoing dishonesty is eating at me.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Well then, go ahead and tell Her so She can appreciate Your Honesty and Loyalty.  Is that Your hope?

Excuse my bluntness, but it seems You are more concerned with how YOU feel than how She is going to feel when She knows more of the "event"

Personally, I care less for Your feelings than I do Hers, but bottom line is, You get to ultimately decide whether to tell Her not, irregardless of what anyone here thinks.

Good Luck.  I hope it turns out well for You (Her).

[bigmistake22]

I just dont know how to forgive myself. I think thats the problem. I dont want to hurt her, and is why I havent said anything for months since then. I just cant let it go in my mind.

[nursegirl6572]

I agree with tink.  I think there are more self serving reasons behind your need to share the intimate details with her.  There is really no need to do that.  YOU need to find a way to move on.  Like already suggested, get some professional help if you have to...but I don't agree with making her feel worse to unburden yourself.  Sorry, but that's being selfish.

She pretty much knows the deal, and I'm sure she probably already has a pretty good idea of what exactly happened.  She is moving on, and has forgiven you,  You need to thank your lucky stars above she is willing to do that, learn from your mistake, and move on.

Telling her the gruesome details isn't necessary.  You can find other ways to unburden yourself.  Like tink said...time to "man up".  If that means having to shoulder some uncomfortable guilt by withholding disgusting details that will only hurt her all over again, I think that's a fine start.

[Hobby10]

Sounds like u think her forgiveness will free u, but may create a new set of problems.  Guilt is a feeling like love or hate it can pass if u let it.  Quit obsessing over the past.  U can't fix it from hear.  Guilt feels like its going to swallow h alive but it won't and it doesn't.   It will pass.  It will get better.  Take it from me the queen of guilt sometimes u just have to find a way to live with the fact we are imperfect people.  We fall we get back up and we try again.  The best gift u can give her is to be better today then u were yesterday.  Focus on her and what she needs and live in the NOW.  Don't waste her happiness on ur guilt.   Move on.  Go to confession if u really want to confess to somebody.  Or go have a drink and confess to the guy next to u.  Just my thoughts.  Sorry if I'm too direct.  Find ur peace.  U got all the answers.  Peace and lov hobby

[Hobby10]

Here.  Not hear typo.  Stupid iphone

[wifenmommy19]

You made a mistake but just tell her and don't do it again:) if she loves you she will forgive you and you resisted the girl so you still held true to her