OMG...what do I do?!

[msniki412]

Ok, so I really don't know what to think right now.

Today my boyfriend asked me to go online and pay his phone bill. He always gives me the money for it, so that really isn't an issue for me. I said no problem, so went online at lunch time and looked up his account online. Well, his bill was about $20 dollars more then normal...so naturally, I investigated to find out why. Turns out, he went over his minuets. I at first said, ok fine he misjudge it or whatever...but then I look closer and he did over 1300 minuets in that month! He has T-Mobile and the myfaves 300 (it's like your 5 fave people and none of those calls counts towards your minutes). So that means he did 1000 EXTRA minuets!!! WTF?! I became really concerned, and saw that I could check his call log history....and this is where I literally almost threw up. From June 5-7 at times he should have been sleeping and on June 7th should just have gotten home from taking me to work...he had like 10 incoming calls from a BLOCKED number in which he spent almost 500 minuets talking to this unknown person!! Calls like at 3:30am and 5:00am and 12:50am...he should of been sleeping! I honestly don't care who he talks to, but I think I have a right to know when I was having to pay the phone bill.

So, I calmed down a bit and called him. I told him his bill was $20 more and that it appeared he went over his minuets. First he denied it, and I said call logs don't lie. Then I tell him about the blocked number incoming call and he DENIES it! That he never answers unknown callers and that it must be a mistake. So I told him, if it didn't happen...before I pay, call T-Mobile and ask them about it and see what they say. He gets all upset and says no they probably can't do anything, so just forget it and pay it. I asked him upfront, who was he talking to for that whole time and he says he doesn't remember! WTF?! Almost 500 minuets you don't know who you were talking to???? It makes no sense. We have had problems of this nature in the past and he has always denied it. But how do you deny this one? I can totally see it.

How is impossible that he can't remember who it was? I mean maybe if it was once or twice, sometimes (i know it happens to me) the phone is in your pocket and it rubs and picks up...but 10 TIMES?!?! And 500 minuets?!?!?! NO WAY! What do I do? Is there anyway of finding out this number? I really have to know who this person was. I know he has a friend, that the number was always blocked cause I talked to him before, but my boyfriend hasn't talked to him in a long time...so I doubt it would be him.

We have been together almost 3.5 years. We have our problems, but we always fix them. I don't know why if he is not happy...why he just wont tell me then. He is always concerned with me, that because I go on Facebook that I'm cheating....but I have friends from school on there, so that's only reason I go on. Plus I canceled my MySpace account because I didn't need it. He always knows who I'm texting or talking to. He can check Facebook anytime he wants because it's all connected to my IPod, so he can just look and whatever. I don't EVER give him any reason not to trust me....YET here he is giving me a million reasons not to trust him!

What do I do?!?!?!

[wisconsin15]

So how did it go?

[mami1323]

It may be a blessing if he says that he was tempted but then decided not to.  Just like specialmom said, you can learn what led him to that place to begin with and make sure it doesn't happen again.  We don't live in a world without temptation so these things do happen and are to be expected.  It's how we handle it that makes all the difference.  Good luck.

[specialmom]

If someone says they were going to cheat and then didn't, well-------- that is good news.  They DIDN"T cheat.  So then you start talking about why it was a temptation in the first place and how to stregthen the relationship.  

And you are also on red alert from then on.  Until enough time passes in which you fully feel he will not stray again.  goodluck

[msniki412]

I guess we will see what happens. I'm seeing him later....maybe he will open up without me giving him that look. Maybe he will realize what he did was wrong and finally come clean. But what do I do if he does say he was going to cheat....but then decedied not to? I'm not sure how to react to that one though.

I'll keep you guys updated. Thank you everybody for your help.

[mami1323]

I would do just what specialmom is saying.  Sit him down, tell him that you aren't angry, you are a bit confused.  You just want answers so you can put this all behind you.  You will work it out no matter what, you just need to know the truth.  Even shed some tears here, tell him it hurts you the more he denies it.  You want to just understand, maybe he's not happy with you, maybe he's got a problem with fidelity.  You just need to know.  See what he says.

[msniki412]

No the days he missed from work were different. I can vouch for two of th days, June 21 and May 24. He normally takes Monday's and his company suspends after 3 un planned days. He has a paper from work, that shows what days he missed...and the calls he did were on a saturday, sunday and the one that concerns me now thinking of it, Monday. It's very hard to let him talk, because he just keeps denying it...that he didn't do it and that he never answers blocked numbers. I mean seriously...if this happend once or twice...I would beleive it, but the amount of times I saw...that doesn't make sense and I don't know why he can't just say "Niki, I was talking to ________". Ok fine....I think I would understand more if he would just tell me! But he denies everything. Like with the issues with work....I asked him point blank, are you missing time from work...he says no. Three weeks later I find out he did miss time, yet he lied when I asked. And I know it wasn't like a phone sex thing, because you have to make the call...they don't call you, unless by mistake.

Like as soon as I asked him, I called him up and calming said I need to ask you something. As soon as I said it, he got this stupid sound in his voice, like a "uh oh, she caught me...quick cover up!" and totally denied it. And still he is saying he didn't do it.

My story::: I think he was talking to somebody...and like Jezi said, it's odd that he quickly stopped. I think he WAS planning on doing something with this person, and then started feeling guilty and ended it. But because he is stupid, and doesn't have direct deposit...he got caught....because he knows when I see something that doesn't add up, I find out why. And I think he is just too scared to come clean about what was going on...I bet in a couple of weeks, he will finally tell me.

[specialmom]

Was his absense from work right before or after the calls on his phone?  

Okay, lets not go there.  I think that I'd try some communication approaches to get him to open up.  What about just saying---------  hey "what the heck.  I just can't move on without knowing.  This will continue to hang over our head.  I need the truth and I promise I'll deal with it."  then hold your breath and try to look like you won't kill him for what he is about to say.  I'd just keep trying to talk.  Not nag.  Not be upset.  Not acuse.  But to listen to him and make him feel like he is safe to talk.  

Oh yeah, you could also say that YOU talked to the phone company and they have a way of tracing  that blocked number to you and you are going to call it.  You just need his permission to get the number.  See what he says.  

I'm glad the relationship seems good otherwise and other than the missing work issue, nothing bad has been happening.  As I said-------- these are wake up calls to keep watch.  good luck

[msniki412]

I always tend to say harsh and mean things when I'm angry. I mean, I wasn't really happier before him...well maybe to a certain degree.

We have an overall pretty good relationship. We do plenty of things together, we hang out allot and we also have our seperate lives too. He is there phyiscally, emotionaly and mentaly there for me anytime I need him...and I do the same for him. Getting along now....well he had some issues with work (not going and not telling me...but my Uncle is the Union rep for his company, and well he got caught). I really dont know the reasons for him not going....although, he did get suspended 3 days...so we weren't in the best of situation before this issue. That's why my eyebrows raise on this issue. I mean, was he plotting something? Did he really have intentions to cheat?

I'm just not liking this whole thing were he can't remember who it was...and to top it off, he claims he will fight the phone company on this stating the calls were not exactly answered by him, that his phone magically picked up on it's own because it was face down....Comeon now, we are not stupid here. He knows I get madder when he wont tell me something...and knows I am more of an understanding person when somebody tells me something up front.

Oh and my birthday is April 12....so I doubt he was planning something for me...lol
And he paid his phone bill late...because I wouldn't do it for him. Whatever, I really didn't care at that point.

[specialmom]

Those darn cell phones and computer histories!  Remember the days when we were all in the dark with land lines?  In some ways it may have been better.

How's the relationship overall?  Have you been getting along well lately?  Have you been doing things together?  Has he been there emotionally for you?  Physically?  So a status report on the overall relationship would be helpful.

Your comment that you were happier without him is a bit worrisome.  Our partners are suppose to enhance our lives.  But I know when I am mad, that thought will run through my head briefly.  As long as it is not there all the time or the majority of the time.

I think his reaction is what worries me.  His claiming to not remember, acting dazed and confused, etc.  That part is hard for me to overlook.  People act guilty usually when they are.  Perhaps he had some intimate conversations with another lady and then thought better of it.  Perhaps he contemplated cheating but never followed through.  Perhaps he talked and met with her and didn't like it at all and decided against any further action.  Perhaps he was planning your surprise party.  When's your birthday---------- as I'm pretty sure this is not the case.  So something strange was happening.  But maybe not as bad as your mind is thinking.

I'd take this as a wake up call and if you are committed to this relationship------work on strengthening it.  Start working on communication.  Build trust with him by letting him talk and you do a lot of listening.  

Sorry this is happening.  I too hope it works out for your best happiness.  (and glad you didn't pay the bill!)

[ConnieG]

I don't know. I'm at a loss.  Maybe it IS a surprise party. :D  I have no idea. But I guess if it was only a couple of days and it stopped I would probably let it go.  Let him pay his own phone bill from now on.  He had to have figured out a way to do it before you came along...Plus he can probably call the phone company and explain the situation and get them to change the due date, I know you can do that with credit cards...
My guess is that since you've been cheated on you're super sensitive to the subject and it sounds like you are kind of in the state of I will not be hurt under any circumstance which usually makes people read further into things than other people would.....I know I"ve definitely been there.
And if you were happier without him then I would think it is silly to stay with him, the person that could make you really happy might be right under your nose but you miss him because you're with someone just to not be single??
But either way, I hope it works out for you.  That is kind of stressful to have a partner who wont be completely honest about things, it's probably something silly and he doesn't want to start a fight over something so silly so he figures it's better to just say nothing.  You're in my prayers :)

[mami1323]

Just be aware is all I'm saying because I always thought my fiance would never cheat on me, he didn't seem like the type and then he went and did it.  We want to think the best but then are extremely let down if they do go through with it.  Perhaps he did feel guilt, perhaps it wasn't much that happened.  Again, you won't know from such a small thing.  You have a lot going on right now so focus on that instead of him.  Let him see that he isn't your life and he will watch himself.

[msniki412]

I just hate this! He keeps telling me that he is not a cheater...that I do beleive. I really do beleive he never did cheat on me...physically. But he has talked to other women before like online or through text. He isn't the type to actually cheat...but to talk to another woman, yes...that he would do...but not actually go to show with it.

And Jezi, but if it was just a friend...why couldn't he just be honest then? I really wouldn't be mad if it was just a friend and he was helping him/her out...but to "not remember" that sounds odd to me. And like I said, it is weird that is only 3 days and then magically it stops. My gut feeling...he started feeling guilty and stopped having the calls come through. But thats just my idea....could be wrong though.

He already knows once he cheats, he is gone. Thats it. I've been cheated on before, and I WILL not stand for it again. And to find out now, it would save me because we don't live together yet....so if he wants to live with his annoying family for life (cause I KNOW he will without me) so be it then. I don't need a man in my life to be happy.

But for NOW, he is on a tight leash. I'm checking everything I can find on him. I know some might say, well what kind of relationship is that were you have to spy on your spouse. Well, for now....he has no trust. He has to earn it back and to be honest he wont get it back until I hear the truth. I have to much going on in my life with my family...and I DON'T need some loser bringing me down with some bull c rap.

[mami1323]

What's odd is that it was only a few days that these calls came in.  I highly doubt that he doesn't remember but if it was only 2 days out of the month and then nothing else, it would be hard to figure out what it was.  Maybe it was a friend of his who was having some relationship issues and needed advice or maybe he had a one time fling, you really can't determine what was going on.  My advice is, see if he will be honest and if he isn't then you don't have much to go on.  But I would keep my eyes open for anything suspicious going forward.

[el_em_en_oh]

You know, I had time to think about this overnight, and I consulted with The Oracle (my wife), and all signs point to "fishy". Forgone conclusion that he's up to something mischievous, now it's up you to dig up the dirt.

As Teko said, cheating is a deal-breaker and unforgivable, but as he doesn't have a history of cheating and this is the first behavior that he's exhibited that's a bit "off", break the communication-skills out of your bag of tricks, and see if you can't get him to talk about it. You've been with him for 3-years+, and that counts for a lot, so give him the benefit of the doubt until he gives you a reason not to (which he's pushing the limit on, I might add).

If he doesn't want to talk about it at all, and the behavior continues, I think it might be time to give the boy his walking papers.

[teko]

Honestly, even tho I would be questioning his behavior and unwillingness to spill the beans, I would advise waiting until you calm down and view the situation in a different frame of mind before picking up and leaving. I am not familiar with the past situations but you say you dont think he ever cheated? Cheating to me is a dealbreaker, everything else deserves a second look see. It could be something totally off the wall and not what ones first thoughts make it. Let the dust settle and keep your eyes and ears open, the truth will reveal itself and then you can act based on fact and not emotion. Besides that! Moving is a lot of work and requires a lot of energy and can be very expensive. IMO :D

[msniki412]

No he has never cheated in the past. It's just we have had these types of "issues" before where I thought he was doing something behind my back. And he asked for me to pay his phone bill because he doesn't have direct deposit and he gets paid the night his phone bill is due. So he gives me the money the next day. First and foremost...I didn't pay it. I refused to pay it until he starts talking....and to be honest I really don't care if his phone gets shut off or anything. That's his issue not mine.

And Connie, yes some people do have there numbers come up as blocked. My Uncle has his house number blocked because they were getting too many unwanted phone calls from people selling things. My house number is not blocked, but it is unlisted because of the same reason.

And I really didn't think about the phone sex, because you have to pay for that...right? He is wayy to cheap to have to pay for something...I know that one for sure. But what I find more strange, it's only those days....June 5-7. And then it stopped. And then he has 2 incoming as blocked on June 24, but only a 1 minuet each...so means he didn't pick up. I really don't know what to think...or do. I just don't get, that if he is not happy...then break up. To be personally honest....he needs me more then I need him. I was happy on my own...I was never the type to become dependent on someone.

[specialmom]

Ya know--------  the calls are odd.  His reaction is odder.  He seems to NOT want to discuss this.  

But, why are you paying his bill?  That is not high on my list of things someone should be doing either.  You say he gives you the money but go on to say you are ticked about you having to pay for the 20 bucks for those extra minutes.  I think if you are having to float him cash . . . well, I'd have a problem with that as well.  Call me snotty but I expect my man to be able to support himself and his own cell phone.  Okay, that is off my chest. (sorry----- I know you weren't asking advice on that but it is an indicator of a couple of things to me.)

Anyway, back to the calls.  I think that you can't assume he is cheating.  I'd never just assume that.  And phone calls with someone is not cheating.  So, lets take the accusations down a notch and say that he is doing something that he knows you won't like.  Time for serious talking.  Don't present it like you are so mad and ready to dump him or he will clam up.  You need to try to talk to him and get to the truth of what is going on.  

I'm sorry, I know this is disappointing and I hate when our partners let us down like this.  good luck

[imanaddict]

I think your suspicions are valid. NO ONE in their right mind could forget who they talked to 500 minutes a month! 500 minutes = 8.3 hours. The first thing that popped in my head was stripper or escort, which explains the early morning hour phone calls. I hope I'm wrong about that though.

You mention something about having these kind of problems in the past. Does that mean he has cheated before?

[el_em_en_oh]

Or maybe he's planning a super-secret surprise party for you and late at night/early in the morning is the only time he has to plan it?

I'm just saying...

[ConnieG]

my first thought was phone sex operater. LOL.  I don't know if those numbers come up blocked or not.  But I don't know of any normal person that has their number blocked. Because everyone they talk to it would show up blocked and no one would answer....
But him denying it seems kind of odd.  Unless it's solicitors calling and he just didn't think aobut it (although if they kept me on the phone that long I would be upset....)

[lori0615]

I think he is cheating on you, I asked my husband and his best friend what they thought after reading this and they said he is most likely cheating. If he says you are cheating then he can be doing that to make himself feel better.