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Should I stay with my girlfriend?

Hi, this is my first post ever here. My name is Rudi and my girlfriend’s name is Veronica (both are phony names… but wtv). Anyway I come from Peru and I have always wanted to go back to Germany, cause I did an exchange year there, when I was 18 (I’m currently 26). I'm a filmmaker and I am into history, geopolitics, cinema (obviously) and languages. You guys could call me a nerd, or a geek, but I’m basically the kind of guy that would like to talk hours about the current situation in Iran and its possible implications in the entire world politics, or how did the roman empire fell and the ethnic origin of the various barbaric tribes that led it to its demise (yeah… a geek). I don’t consider myself a genius AT ALL (as a matter of fact, I suspect that I may have a normal or even lower IQ), but I am aware that I am a bit of a bookworm.

I have currently a long distance relationship with Veronica.

I love her. She’s sweet, kind, loyal, sexy and I think that if I ever marry her, she’d be an awesome wife and mother.

Nevertheless after so much time, I’ve noticed that she isn’t exactly well-read.  As a matter of fact, she doesn’t even have a clue about the world.

The only thing that she ever talks about, that has my entire interest is “The Banquet” by Plato. But that’s it. I mean literally THAT’S IT. She doesn’t know anything about what is the difference between left and right in politics. The only thing she knows about Germany is its Nazi past and I don’t mean like “to know” in the sense that she knows about it, I mean that she has a VERY SUPERFICIAL knowledge about it, while claiming that she’s all into it! Like if I told you that I am into the history of the USA and then tell you that George Washington was a football player at the latest Super Bowl. Or if I were to tell you that I love Australia, because it has kangaroos and dildos… I mean dingos… I’m sorry, how is it spelled?

You get my point.

Let me clarify that she is not stupid. She’s a good student, she ambitious and she is a talented dancer and actress.

But having a conversation with her most of the time just wears me out. I feel so ******* bored.

She only speaks about her daily life and she is sooooo tedious. Goddamit, call me crazy, but when I talk to someone, I like to learn new things. I like to debate. To put my ideas into question.

She doesn’t.

Or at least she eagerly pretends she likes it. And that is what bothers me the MOST.

I have the feeling that she’s doing everything she can to make this work.

Everytime that I try to talk about a topic that is interesting to me I do most of the talking, because she doesn’t have an idea of what I am saying.

We can never exchange ideas about cultural differences, history or the political situation in our countries. We can never talk about philosophy, besides the book that I mentioned.

I sometimes feel, that she is not curious about learning as I am.

Like I said I am not a genius, but I do like to enjoy a good conversation once in a while, that’s not about the vegetables that I bought from the grocery store. Yes, I can have small talks and I do like to gossip talk with her about our friends. Yes, I do enjoy “normal” conversations.

Thing is, that having “normal conversations” 24/7 annoys me.

I am starting to think that we are not compatible at all, even though she’s an actress and I am a filmmaker. I always think, that maybe I think all this because I am an egotistical spoiled little brat.

But, I think about leaving her constantly. Constantly.

It isn’t because we are in a long distance relationship. I don’t mind not touching her, since I was a loner during my entire school life.

But not being able to connect with her intellectually, frustrates me.

Worst of all, she has started taking notice of this.

Most of our conversations are like this:

Me: “Hi sweety”

Her: “Hi baby, I’ve missed you so much!”

“Me too! How’s it rolling?”

“Well I’ve done this and this and this (5 min monologue about her daily life).”

“Ah, cool I guess”.

“How about you?”

“I learned about the Walkmann Effect and how it relates to a speech delivered by a slovenian philosopher bla bla bla”.

“Oh, that’s so fascinating”.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, that made me think about how my cousin likes to play pokemon. He’s so cute. You know tomorrow is gonna be his birthday. I’m thinking about the cake. Mmm chocolate or maracuja cake?”

“Ahm… I dunno”.

“Chocolate! I love chocolate, you know why I love chocolate bla bla bla (talks something mundane for the next 20 min)”.

“Well… ahm… (I pause because I don’t remember any of the mundane things of my everyday life that I could give a damn about and also because I don’t know, if I should talk her about how impressed I was by a byzantine mosaic hanging on the wall of my university hall because: a. she doesn’t really care and b. I don’t like being the only one talking about it)”.

“Ahm… you know, if you don’t wanna talk to me that’s fine. Let’s talk later”.

“No, it’s just that… (I pause because, I don’t know what to talk with her)... ahm… well… ahm (should I talk to her about the different living standards for women in the middle eastern countries? nah, she doesn’t care)... ahm (maybe if I talk about the romance languages? nah, she couldn’t care less)... well… ahm”.

“Look, I’ll call you later. I’m tired that you think I’m stupid”.

“No baby, it’s just that”.

“Bye! (she hangs up)”

(I feel like a douche)

I love her. She’s an amazing person. I feel I am a very lucky guy for being with her. But she drains me completely, when I try to have an interesting conversation with her. I can’t discuss ANYTHING with her. Not even movies! She is only interested in romantic comedies, mostly from bollywood, whereas I tend to watch everything from slashers to soviet slap stick comedy animation for children.

I must admit that if I were to recommend her to watch a classic film she would watch it.

And yes, she is eager to learn new things.

But, what bothers me is that I suspect that she is only eager to learn new things in order to make me feel that she is interested in learning, and therefore stay with me. Don’t misunderstand me, she loves me, just as I love her, but I guess we are not exactly compatible.

Normally I wouldn't ask for advice on the internet. Could you please give me some advice?

Maybe me and Veronica, could work this out. Maybe you guys have been through this. This is my second relationship and it is my longest so far. If there is an answer to my current predicament, I would like to know it. Breaking up with her would hurt us both, a lot.

Is there an answer?

Greetings.

R.
4 Responses
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134578 tn?1614729226
Has this ever been a relationship in person, or has it always been online?

If you have been together in person a lot and it is always good when you are together (in person) but only boring when you are long distance, you should assume that the boredom is coming because of lack of connection due to distance. It might not even have anything to do with your love of talking about esoteric topics, that might just be what you do to make connections and fill air space. But if daily life when you are together is consistently more fun and engaging than talking online, it gives you a clue what is wrong right now.

I wouldn't give much credit to the idea that you have a lot in common because you are a filmmaker and she is an actress. You might be in the same field (unless you're a documentary filmmaker), but you would have more in common with another filmmaker. That said, there is not really a lot of benefit in dating someone in your own field unless your primary conversational interest is shop talk. You probably aren't going to find many filmmakers that want to discuss history, geopolitics and languages for hours, any more than you would find an actress who does. For that, a coffeeshop full of university students and intellectual poseurs would be more fun.

It actually kind of sounds like you got together with her for her beauty and animated nature, and are accustomed to being able to discourse in long, long conversations about topics of interest to yourself. You might both be getting bored by now. Have you asked her that?

Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
So, I think you have two choices.  Relationships in which that intellectual piece/ good conversation piece is missing means you either have to end it and find someone that you can enjoy that with OR you'll have to have a couple of good same sex friends that you get that part of who you are out.  

I think you sound like you appreciate her but she isn't a great match for you.  You need mental stimulation and that intellectual connection.  And that's okay.

We date to know if something is going to work long term or not.  You have to grow old with your long term partner.  When they aren't cute anymore (because they've gotten older, wrinkles, etc.)  and there is nothing you don't know about them, you have to enjoy their mind, right?  

My husband and I have 'okay' conversations about deep topics.  Mainly because he likes to banter and I start to realize he is arguing with me just to argue and that bugs me.  ha ha.  But, overall, I love his intelligence. I love love love his sense of humor.  He's witty and he makes me laugh.  And he genuinely appreciates my humor and makes me feel quite witty and funny myself.  

To me, you sound like you long for something more.  You should not settle.  You should have that more you long for.  
Helpful - 0
207091 tn?1337709493
I don't think either of you should be settling. You want someone who yearns for the deep and philosophical, and she wants someone who will show an interest in her, and that sometimes includes the daily minutiae that is often boring if we aren't involved directly.

I think there's a happy medium you could strive for, but maybe not with her. She deserves someone who wants her just exactly as she is, and you deserve someone who doesn't bore you.

If you're in a relationship, there is always going to be some parts that aren't all deep and passionate. You're going to hear stories about people you don't know, and may never meet. These things are part of the person you love, so they're important to pay attention to, even if they aren't deep and philosophical.

Also, don't get too swept up in the deep and philosophical that you miss out on the small pleasures in life, like cake, even if you don't want to discuss the cake for 20 minutes.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hmm, I know a guy in Washington DC who also fits the description. There are few people around who are equipped to converse at your level. Can you maybe find a group at a nearby university? Since this is obviously something you need in a partner, it’s probably time to look elsewhere.
Helpful - 0
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