Need Help

[mooreE]

I have been married for 2 1/2 years. I'm having trouble balancing my needs with my spouses.  Basically I act out selfishly in many ways which hurts my spouse.  I yell at her when I have made a mistake.  I yell louder at her when she is yelling at me just to feel bigger than her.  This makes me feel horrible.  I was raised to care and help others before myself, and for the most part I do that, accept with my spouse I always think of my own needs before I ever even consider hers.  I guess what I am saying is I am having commitment issues, and I need to know how to solve these issues.  

We have had lots of financial instability since we have been married.  Lots of bad decisions have been made on both ends that have had adverse effects on both of us.  My Wife has lots of resentment toward me because of some of my irrational decisions that don't come to light until she finds out about the results of those bad decisions before I admit to them, where as everyone else thinks she is the one that has the issues, and I don't defend her when I should.  She lacks respect for me because I don't even stand up for myself at times when I should.  I think I am a compulsive liar by what I have read about the term.  I want some advice, how can I recover from these things?  How do I become more committed.  I love my wife and I think the world of her for being able to put up with all my crap.  

Lately we have had improved communication with each other, but the other night while she was out I went on a dating phone line and without saying anything to anybody while i was on there, I screwed things up with my wife and her trust in me.  I appologized, she forgave me.  I did it out of curiosity I guess, but I don't want to do these things anymore.  Do I seek help for these issues or is this something where I need to ask myself "do I love my wife as much as I am letting on?" "Or do I need to find solace somewhere else?"  I am so confused.  I don't like who I am now.  How do I change? HOW?

[lovemykids465]

Councilor is never a bad idea even when things are going well people should seek it once in awhile. I applaud you for your honesty. I wish more men were like you. And to seek advice, good for you.

[specialmom]

I had one other idea for you.  When trying to change habits, it can be difficult.  So what I've told other people to do in the past is to pretend that you are on a tv show.  That there are always cameras watching you and that Dr. Phil will pop in at any moment and tell the world what you are doing.  Some people control themselves if they think others are watching.  So envision this and try to stop the habit of yelling and doodling on phone lines.  And prayer can be very powerful!  good luck to you.

[teko]

It sounds to me like you are on the right path as well. It also sounds like you have some major stress in the house do to financial issues as well as your acting out. The fact that you want to change holds a lot of weight and if you want to badly enough you will. It sounds like you get angry easily which could be a result of the stress and you might want to see a doc about the need for some anti anxiety meds in the short term. Then concentrate on the lying thing because this is the first issue that will ruin a relationship. Combine that with financial stress and losing your temper easily and it can be a major problem. Take one day at a time and make an effort to notice when and why these things happen. As far as the dating site, that could be curiosity true, but will lead to a lots of problems in a marriage and is a big NO NO! Imagine Christ living with you. Do not say or do anything that you would not do in front of him. I used this once to get myself out of the habit of cussing! Ya know what! It works.

[mooreE]

Thanks for that advice.  It's very helpful.  I really don't know how long it will take to make these changes.  To be honest, my spouse and I go through everyday as normal couples should.  Its just those certain instances when I am not with my spouse that I get this itch to do things that I know deep down I shouldn't do period.  Things that I have done in the beginning of our marriage and during our marriage (are not cheating), that I have not done in some time, but fully regret it because of the way she views me to even the present day.  I got that itch the other night.  Even though I didn't do or say anything to anybody on that phone line and didn't have any intention to, I knew deep down I shouldn't have been on there.  No Sin goes unpunished and mine was no acception.  I want to get away from stuff like that.  Yelling, and lying.  I want to build more self-confidence.  I want to respect my spouse.  I know there are systems out there that work.  I need to try something.  The first thing I am going to do is talk to my wife when I see her and go from there.  This is just part of me that I don't like.  I can't tolerate this part of me anymore.  I have said it before and it just turned out to be an empty promise cause I just ended up doing it again.  I need to talk to God.  I need to search down deep and find the right road cause I am not lost I am just on the wrong one, when it comes to this part of me.  Thank you once again for the helpful advice.  It was much needed.  I will give all this advice and some of my own deep thought.  

[specialmom]

I agree with the other ladies here that you are on the right path.  Becoming introspective and looking at ourselves honestly is a wonderful thing.  It is really the only way that true change happens.  I hear from your words that you would like to be a good partner to your wife and her to be the same and that you'd like the word healthy to come to mind when you think about this relationship.  I think I'd express just that to her.  I do agree that therapy would be a great thing for you as you are ripe to broach these subjects and set into motion some plans to change.  I'd start with individual therapy.  I'm trying to read between the lines and I see things like an anger issue in which you take out frustration on her and perhaps bully her when you feel bad or small.  I also think that the lying that probably started out subconsciously to self protect is now a habit that you'd like to change.  I also hear that you've been irresponsible in the past and are sorry for this as you see the repercussions now.  All of this is a great start to becoming the man you'd like to be.

Eventually, I think couples therapy will be really important as well.  Communication is key and seeing each other as important members of a team is ideal.  You can't let the other down whether it comes to being faithful to sticking to the budget or working towards the down payment on your first home.  You have to work together and are responsible to each other to be good members of your team.  

Fighting is hard to stop as all couples will have differences and arguments.  I think self control is really important.  Stop yourself from getting ugly with her or yelling.  Take some deep breaths, give yourself a time out, etc.  Push your tongue to the roof of your mouth to stop shouting if you have to.  But just stop.  Tell her you are working on this.  Get a jar and call it the oops jar.  If you yell at her (or lie)--------  you put in 5 bucks.  She gets the money at the end of the month.  She can have an oops jar for you too if she has something she is working on.  

And I do think that a strong faith helps marriages stay on the straight and narrow.  Many churches run things for couples to bring them closer together.  I'd certainly investigate your church or join one if you are so inclined.  Faith helps hope and without hope we have nothing.  
I wish you lots of luck as you sound like a sincere guy trying to grow up and be the man you'd like to be.  I think you are on your way to doing just that!

[mami1323]

Well at least you have a conscience and you realize that the things you are doing aren't helpful to the marriage.  I'm not really religious so I don't know about turning to a bible or repenting much.  I tend to like to get help from a therapist.  You need someone to guide you and to teach you new ways of thinking and to give you skills within your marriage.  If you are suffering from depression you may need some meds to get you over the hump.  Going on dating sites isn't exactly honorable behavior, and I do believe that it could lead to cheating eventually.  I think therapy is the first step.

[mooreE]

I do appreciate these answers.  I need to have a sitdown with my wife.  This is important to me.  Counseling has brought up amongst the two of us in conversations of the past, and I have felt like I could overcome and get past it back then and in some things i have, but for the most part I haven't.  I don't feel that way now.  Maybe I really do need it.  I have not cheated on my wife.  I don't believe that will ever be an issue.  I have never been physically abusive.  I also do not believe that this will ever be an issue.  Depression?  Maybe.  I was greatly stressed during those times.  My wife and I made horrible decisions with money, being the man I never made a stand and said we shouldn't do this.  It was very stressing.  My wife was lazy alot in the beginning, and that stressed me out too.  I developed some bad habits before I ever even met my wife that came into play once we were married and still does.  I just want to change.  Do I consult a bible?  Do I need to repent?  It's very stressing to think about.  As recently as 3 years ago I pretty squeaky clean, and now I'm downright horrible by my standards.  Thanks for the advice.

[mami1323]

I agree, it's time to take action.  You comprehend the issues in your marriage and you can see how your actions affect your relationship.  So now it's time to get help.  I think both a marriage counselor and an individual counselor can help you.  You have issues that are separate from your marriage so it would be good to touch upon those in individual therapy sessions.  In marriage counseling you can work through your issues as a couple and work on the trust issues and fidelity issues.  I do think that you and your wife can go on to have a very healthy and strong marriage once you both have faced these demons and work on them.  Good luck.

[imanaddict]

You are on the right path by admitting you have made mistakes and wanting to fix them. That's a giant step in the right direction. All you need to do now is follow through with it. Has your wife had trust issues with you in the past or is there a history of cheating? Have you ever thought perhaps you may be depressed? Financial strain would most likely be the factor and would make sense for depression and probably the reason you are lashing out. How to fix something like that? A marriage counselor or priest (if you don't have the money) would be a really good start. You need to get to the bottom of what is causing you to harm your marriage and start from there. It'll probably take a while and a lot of hard work and dedication to get back to where you once were but it'll be worth it in the end.

I wish you the best!