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Writing your fiance's ex back
So my fiances ex girlfriend sent him a message on Facebook saying congrats on the engagement and the new up and coming baby...AFTER she had written all kinds of nasty things to me in a previous message. I told him to write her back saying not to write him anymore and he said no! WTF!? When my ex sent me a text asking how i was doing he told me to text him back saying not to contact me anymore...so i did. For the sake of our relationship. So when she wrote him i told him to write her the same thing he asked me to write my ex...he wouldnt. I am so angry and feel like i should write her back myself! When she sent me a message awhile ago my fiance didnt even stand up for me...all he said was...im not getting involved. Seriously? What should i do? Should i write her saying to leave him alone?
I agrre with judy but if he didnt want to write her back telling him to leave them what makes you think he will remove her fb page from friends? But i agree to remove 100% becouse i think you will be checking if she has wrote again whenever you could and you should be stres free when your waiting for a baby , it isnt fair , .i dizegre with first post dont send your ex pay back is never the cure ! Let me ask you, did he tell you not to write her back in any form? If no you shouldnt be worred becouse if yes it means that he wanted to stay in good tearms with her but if to him it doesnt metter what u tell her it means he doent give a f**k about her , some man like my own bf thinks that silens is the best msg , dw girl enjoy you life with him and soon you new born child and dont show jelousy its the worst enemy , and at least your going to counseling its very good ,my bf never wanted to go, dont think about her any more as he said she is in the past it is you he is merry let her burn in jelorsy and ke ep strong with him God bless you all
He needs to "delete/remove" her from his page. As long as he has her on his fb friends list, he will be able to read her page and she will be able to read his page and keep updated and in contact. Good luck.
Yeah i wrote her back from his page and said...
"Thank you for the best wishes & blessing. I hope the same for you. God Bless. -Elle"
She hasnt responded lol. I told him that we WILL be talking about this with our counselor today because hes being an a**hole! I love our couples counselor! He tells it like it is...which im sure is his job lol, but he explains things to my fiance so much better than i do. Its like hes talking my thoughts! I have a bit of a communication problem when it comes to talking about my feelings when im angry. And our counselor made me see that anything i am bothered by is not "stupid" or nonsense. I think without this counselor i would be suffering 100% in this relationship.
"Thank you for the best wishes & blessing. I hope the same for you. God Bless. -Elle"
She hasnt responded lol. I told him that we WILL be talking about this with our counselor today because hes being an a**hole! I love our couples counselor! He tells it like it is...which im sure is his job lol, but he explains things to my fiance so much better than i do. Its like hes talking my thoughts! I have a bit of a communication problem when it comes to talking about my feelings when im angry. And our counselor made me see that anything i am bothered by is not "stupid" or nonsense. I think without this counselor i would be suffering 100% in this relationship.
Specialmom nailed that one. I'm also a little disappointed in his response. It's like he wants the control in this relationship. He tells you what to do but doesn't equally respect your wishes. This is definitely a topic for counseling. But yeah, I would also respond to the ex in a nice way and also to let her know that you know she's contacting him. She also wasn't disrespectful in her message. I mean if you want to read between the lines, it's her basically saying that she's aware of what's going on in his life and she's still there in the background. But she wasn't nasty. No point in giving her the satisfaction of a back and forth battle royal. Good luck.
That is great advice specialmom has given you. However, me being the devious and curious one, would wonder why my bf was so adamant about not telling this chick he is in a relationship and in honoring his wife to be, feels it best to break ties with the past. I would not get mad, but rather sit back and watch and learn. If you are going to marry this dude you may as well see what he is made of sooner rather than later. I would keep my cool and see how he handles it one way or the other. This is how he will handle things after the marriage as well. Especially after him wanting you to get rid of your past, what makes his situation different? I would want to know.
I think i might just do that! Thank you! I never thought of the nice approach lol. I think it just irritates me because he made me do it to my ex yet he wont do it to his. So i am going to ask him again tonight when i get off work instead of him writing her to let me do it from his page. Thank you for the suggestion!
I agree with specialmom. a polite "Oh THANK you!" from you on his facebook would go farther than anything else. she'll be taken aback...she won't know how to handle it...and if she responds to you rudely, you can tell your fiance "look I tried, I really think it's time to cut ties with her if she's going to treat me this way after I was so nice..."
COMMUNITY LEADER
Okay-------- having one of those days so I only read the question and second post by H.Sweetie.
Here is my best advice--------- you write her back yourself and thank her for the well wishes and hope that she too finds happiness in her life. Good luck. Make sure she knows it is from you even if you do it via his facebook account.
Here is why----------- it is much more of a pleasing thing to irritate you than not. You acting civilized about it and wishing her luck back says "WE ARE ALL OVER YOU. It is done and we are moving on." And that he let YOU see it and respond to her is all she needs to know that she won't have some kind of secret friendly relationship to him. It sends the message that she just isn't that important to him anymore and he turned it over to "the boss" to handle.
My husband got a Christmas card from a girl the Christmas after we married. Maybe she didn't get the memo that we were officially married . . . but the card said how much she missed him and maybe they should get together. It went to his old address that we held onto for an office. Anyway, he gave me the card. Hm. What to do??? Well, I sent her a Christmas card back and wrote------------- WE are so glad to hear from you. Hope all is well. We are doing great in our first year of marriage. Merry Christmas. And then I signed from X and X (our names). Sent it and never heard from her again. I wasn't rude. I didn't act bothered by it. I just sent a message right back that her gig was up and he'd moved on.
So that is what I'd do in this case. He may not want to write her to leave him alone because it isn't necessary. It usually happens naturally. Although his request that you do it is a bit odd if the same standard does not apply to him. So if he balks at you writing her, then you need to have some more discussion with him about where his head is at with this ex.
good luck!!
Here is my best advice--------- you write her back yourself and thank her for the well wishes and hope that she too finds happiness in her life. Good luck. Make sure she knows it is from you even if you do it via his facebook account.
Here is why----------- it is much more of a pleasing thing to irritate you than not. You acting civilized about it and wishing her luck back says "WE ARE ALL OVER YOU. It is done and we are moving on." And that he let YOU see it and respond to her is all she needs to know that she won't have some kind of secret friendly relationship to him. It sends the message that she just isn't that important to him anymore and he turned it over to "the boss" to handle.
My husband got a Christmas card from a girl the Christmas after we married. Maybe she didn't get the memo that we were officially married . . . but the card said how much she missed him and maybe they should get together. It went to his old address that we held onto for an office. Anyway, he gave me the card. Hm. What to do??? Well, I sent her a Christmas card back and wrote------------- WE are so glad to hear from you. Hope all is well. We are doing great in our first year of marriage. Merry Christmas. And then I signed from X and X (our names). Sent it and never heard from her again. I wasn't rude. I didn't act bothered by it. I just sent a message right back that her gig was up and he'd moved on.
So that is what I'd do in this case. He may not want to write her to leave him alone because it isn't necessary. It usually happens naturally. Although his request that you do it is a bit odd if the same standard does not apply to him. So if he balks at you writing her, then you need to have some more discussion with him about where his head is at with this ex.
good luck!!
I agree. Him being reluctant to tell her to stop is more of an issue than her childishness. He should be the one to tell her to stop communicationing. If you tell her, it'll only encourage her b/c then she'll feel like she 's bothering you. But if he tells her, she'll feel as if he values your feelings and what the two of you have. Then her motivation to text or facebook will die. He's not thinking of the stress this may be causing you or baby. Being that the two of you are moving towards marriage, its an issue that needs to be addressed. The things you learn to accept, soon becomes the things you regret. Good luck!
Yeah i discussed it with him and he tells me to leave the past in the past and i was ok with that until i talked to my girlfriends about it and they told me to "write the b!tch back!" lol. We are currently in counseling for lack of communication...i am very opinionated and he is not used to that...you'd think he would be after all this time right? I feel like i am on a different level of maturity than him.
His answer worries me. You are about to have his baby and get married. His ex should be the last of his concerns right now, and you and the baby are supposed to be top priority. I hate to say this, but I would reconsider marrying him until this gets straightened out!
I think you should discuss this with your fiance in a proper adult manner,dont text his ex or yours these are just childish games which can cause friction in the relationship,which really isnt appropriate when a child is due,just explain to your fiance that it makes you feel hurt and a bit insecure that he is talking to her,and if he dont listen then maybe you should just stay away for a few days so that your fiance can take in what you have said and know that you are serious,good luck.
Thank you for replying back! I never thought of it like that LOL! I might just do that! My ex knows that i am engaged and pregnant, we were friends before we tried the whole relationship thing and it was good for a few months and just agreed we were better off as friends. But my fiance wants me to have nothing to do with my ex so i told my ex that our friendship is going to cost me my relationship...he understood and told me that i can always contact him if i needed to talk and to take care of myself. Maybe ill send him a text just to see how he is doing lol. Thank you! :)
Maybe you could get back in contact with your ex if your fiancé writes back to his ex. It's up to you, but that's what I would do. Perhaps he'd get the point.
Don't write back to his ex. She's not worth your time, and she's not your problem. She's your fiancé's problem, and he should handle that by consulting with and respecting your opinion about it, which clearly he is not. If you were to contact her, the situation basically looks like two women fighting over a man; jealousy issues over him, etc. It seems to me that your faincé likes this attention which is why he doesn't want to break contact with his ex. He probably wants nothing to do with a relationship with her...I wouldn't be concerned about that...but I'll bet he subconciously enjoys the attention he's getting with an ego stroke from one woman oozing out fake congrats and lingering in his life because she probably still has a thing for him, along with the attention he gets from you getting jealous over the issue.
If it were me, I would not be reactive to the situation toward him. I'd just send a text or message to my ex and casually say, "How's it going?" or something, and be completely calm about it. Then tell your fiancé when he breaks all casual ties with his ex, you'll break the casual ties with yours, because it's the same thing both ways.
I only advise that you be very careful with involving either ex, though, because neither of you want to give the impression to your ex's that you're leading them on and want to get back together.
Don't write back to his ex. She's not worth your time, and she's not your problem. She's your fiancé's problem, and he should handle that by consulting with and respecting your opinion about it, which clearly he is not. If you were to contact her, the situation basically looks like two women fighting over a man; jealousy issues over him, etc. It seems to me that your faincé likes this attention which is why he doesn't want to break contact with his ex. He probably wants nothing to do with a relationship with her...I wouldn't be concerned about that...but I'll bet he subconciously enjoys the attention he's getting with an ego stroke from one woman oozing out fake congrats and lingering in his life because she probably still has a thing for him, along with the attention he gets from you getting jealous over the issue.
If it were me, I would not be reactive to the situation toward him. I'd just send a text or message to my ex and casually say, "How's it going?" or something, and be completely calm about it. Then tell your fiancé when he breaks all casual ties with his ex, you'll break the casual ties with yours, because it's the same thing both ways.
I only advise that you be very careful with involving either ex, though, because neither of you want to give the impression to your ex's that you're leading them on and want to get back together.
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