appropriate father daughter boundaries

[marylou230]

i am dating a man who has a 13 yr old daughter. he has always been close with her as the mother was emotionally absent.  i am the first person he has had a relationship with that he introduced to his daughter.  i am concerned because while she seems to like me and we get along. I feel as though she trys to compete for his attention. she through a fit wen she found out he was dating.  and would call me HER like a jeolous gf.  when i am there she will climb all over him while we are sitting together. she straddles him and lays across him. she even jumped in our bed one time while i was getting ready for bed.  she also will call him at crazy hours and tell him she has innappropriate thoughts....like having sex with him... she says things that are shocking.  when she doesnt get her way she acts out.  he gives her plenty of attention and spends time with his daughter....my concern is the mother i believe had innapropriate relationship with her father and the pattern seems to be the same with his daughter.  he has tried to set boundaries but is afraid she will resent me.. she is physically mature and he has explained this to her on several ocassions.  She has a therapist but he has not brought this up to the therapist.  i am concerned that as she gets older she will use her sexuality to gain a boys attention.  she even dresses like me.  she gets angry on the rare occasion that he and i go out on a date and will call and text him non stop when we r together.   what gives? he has told me this makes him uncomfortable but when she doesnt get her way she guilts him

[specialmom]

I don't get that.  She does everything to traumatize the kids but doesn't want to work on custody?  She's now 13 and actually has more say now about where she lives.   I think she may have possibly been molested by her grandfather.  I think if the mom is that bad, her father does indeed owe it to her to proceed with any kind of fight to bring him to live with her the majority of the time to keep her safe.  good luck

[Chima7]

If this is the type of family you want to be a part of, then have at it. Good luck to you. But if it were me, I don't think there is any guy out there worth this kind of daily drama and headaches. I'm sorry but my piece of mind and calm is more important to me than getting involved with a 3 ring circus like this family is, apparently.

[TTinKKerBBell]

It's obvious that we are all alarmed and I think You've had good input - what more can anyone suggest?  I too feel at a loss to add anything more.   You are "aware", Dad is "aware" - Daughter is in therapy(thank goodness!!) but it's obvious this is FAR from "over" (if ever).  This is a very serious issue - and as has been suggested before- this is forever part of the package.

SpecialMom and I see eye to eye as regards this thing called "love"

Sometimes 'love' isn't enough
AND
love IS a CHOICE.  We are so often blinded by what we think is "love" that we don't make wise CHOICES.  

As for Your last statement above - She "truely IS a troubled" Girl - no matter Her motivation, manipulation, etc., etc. - the behavior IS "troubled" - no doubt.

[marylou230]

i step back and let him set and enforce boundaries but I do have girl talks with her.....her reality seems a bit off to me in the things she says....which could be just immaturity or something more...ie. manipulation.   She regularly uses manipulation tactics on my BF  which he has been smart enough to put and end too,,,,which is why her tactics seem to be escalating.  Im wondering if she truly is troubled or this is just all manipulation to hold daddys full attention....She is a smart girl.

[marylou230]

The dad walks on egg shells with the mom who really has and does continue to tramatize the kids... He doesnt want them being pulled into a long court drama and feels that as they grow upthey will see mom for what she is.  The mother has warned the father NOT to mention certain things to the therapist which is conncerning for me as well.   I dont think mom was molested i think its consentual as adult...ie.  daddy sleeping over in moms bed with her????? My biggest concern is this girls future relations with boys and men

[nursegirl6572]

I know several of us stated that that behavior was extremely concerning.  And I too wonder why the therapist isn't getting more into that? That's why I recommended finding a new therapist if this one isn't willing to broach the subject.  It needs to be dealt with.