Aa
appropriate father daughter boundaries
i am dating a man who has a 13 yr old daughter. he has always been close with her as the mother was emotionally absent. i am the first person he has had a relationship with that he introduced to his daughter. i am concerned because while she seems to like me and we get along. I feel as though she trys to compete for his attention. she through a fit wen she found out he was dating. and would call me HER like a jeolous gf. when i am there she will climb all over him while we are sitting together. she straddles him and lays across him. she even jumped in our bed one time while i was getting ready for bed. she also will call him at crazy hours and tell him she has innappropriate thoughts....like having sex with him... she says things that are shocking. when she doesnt get her way she acts out. he gives her plenty of attention and spends time with his daughter....my concern is the mother i believe had innapropriate relationship with her father and the pattern seems to be the same with his daughter. he has tried to set boundaries but is afraid she will resent me.. she is physically mature and he has explained this to her on several ocassions. She has a therapist but he has not brought this up to the therapist. i am concerned that as she gets older she will use her sexuality to gain a boys attention. she even dresses like me. she gets angry on the rare occasion that he and i go out on a date and will call and text him non stop when we r together. what gives? he has told me this makes him uncomfortable but when she doesnt get her way she guilts him
COMMUNITY LEADER
I don't get that. She does everything to traumatize the kids but doesn't want to work on custody? She's now 13 and actually has more say now about where she lives. I think she may have possibly been molested by her grandfather. I think if the mom is that bad, her father does indeed owe it to her to proceed with any kind of fight to bring him to live with her the majority of the time to keep her safe. good luck
Reading through this information, this girl isn't really "acting out" any more than little girls who study their mother's behavior and go put on her high heels and her purse and delight everyone in the room with a spot-on impression of mom.
Girls are hard wired to witness their mother's behavior and copy it - that's how girls learn to become women, and boys learn to become men by watching their dads. There's nothing cuter than a 4 year old boy "mowing" the lawn behind daddy or pretending to shave.
It goes horribly wrong, though, when the parents behaviors are sick and twisted. This girl has learned you have sex with your dad.
I wouldn't want to be part of that family as others have said.
Girls are hard wired to witness their mother's behavior and copy it - that's how girls learn to become women, and boys learn to become men by watching their dads. There's nothing cuter than a 4 year old boy "mowing" the lawn behind daddy or pretending to shave.
It goes horribly wrong, though, when the parents behaviors are sick and twisted. This girl has learned you have sex with your dad.
I wouldn't want to be part of that family as others have said.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Wow, my typos were bad! Ha ha. I don't get why the dad doesn't fight for more custody was my point. This child should not be with the mom as much as she is.
I agree with rockrose. I would not want to be a part of this. Love doesn't conquer all in my opinion. good luck
I agree with rockrose. I would not want to be a part of this. Love doesn't conquer all in my opinion. good luck
I agree with RockRose and others as well re: not wanting to be a part of this but
ALSO agree with RockRose in that WE "teach" our little Girls how to "act out", be sexual -
add to that a whole lot of help from the media that We allow our Children exposure to - The Children are always watching, listening and learning - thing is, They don't even have all Their brain cells yet - They do Their "acting out" with very immature and undeveloped brains. So - we expose them to all "this" then later try to make it right??
ALSO agree with RockRose in that WE "teach" our little Girls how to "act out", be sexual -
add to that a whole lot of help from the media that We allow our Children exposure to - The Children are always watching, listening and learning - thing is, They don't even have all Their brain cells yet - They do Their "acting out" with very immature and undeveloped brains. So - we expose them to all "this" then later try to make it right??
Ditto everyone above......absolutely.
It is commmendable that you are concerned for this child, however, she is beyond your scope of help, i.e. nail dates and girl chats. Let these two handle their own child. If you think CPS should be involved, then do so. If not, then let the parents sort this mess out.
I would be out of there asap and I wouldn't be waiting for anyone to "change and see the light" or stay trying to "figure out" if she is truly disturbed or not. IMO any child using "tactics" like you've mentioned would have to be troubled. It is possible she is troubled and smart; a combination that spells disaster.
This situation is TOO complex for an layperson to figure/sort out.
It is commmendable that you are concerned for this child, however, she is beyond your scope of help, i.e. nail dates and girl chats. Let these two handle their own child. If you think CPS should be involved, then do so. If not, then let the parents sort this mess out.
I would be out of there asap and I wouldn't be waiting for anyone to "change and see the light" or stay trying to "figure out" if she is truly disturbed or not. IMO any child using "tactics" like you've mentioned would have to be troubled. It is possible she is troubled and smart; a combination that spells disaster.
This situation is TOO complex for an layperson to figure/sort out.
I have read all the above comments.
This 13 year old child clearly has some disturbing issues. Daughters always bond closer to their father than the mother. Boys to their mothers.
The 13 year old is desperately clinging to her father for fear of losing him. It has been a very traumatic experience for her when the parents split up.
I remember you mentioning that the father is afraid to cuddle his daughter at bed time and says good night at the door. He needs to be very firm with her should she make inappropriate advances at him.
He still needs to tell her that he loves her, it is not her fault that the marriage broke down and that he will always love her. He needs to be blunt and tell her that there are rules in the house that she needs to stick to and he also needs to tell her that although he loves you and wants to spend his life with you, that she is to understand that that does not change his love for her. If she brings up the sexual acts, then he needs to tell her straight that this is inappropriate and daddies and daughters do NOT do these things.
When she starts to straddle on him, I feel he needs to be firm and say he doesn't like it and she is not to do it. But to reassure her that he still loves her because she is his baby and no matter how old she will be, she will always be his baby.
He also needs to tell her that she is not going to get between him and you, but that does not affect the fact that she is his baby and that it is wrong to talk and think about sexual acts with him.
The teenage years are the worst for parents and the children. She needs a firm hand and not ***** footing around. She will continue doing what she is doing until her father takes a firm stand. If he does not, she will forever be trying to makes things hard for you and your boyfriend.
Children do this in a normal relationship by playing the mother against the father. If she sees that her father and you are standing together and are strong and nothing she does will separate you, and you keep reassuring her that you both care for her, she will eventually get the message into her brain and settle down.
If there is any incest going on at her mother's house and the grandfather is touching her in a way that he shouldn't, perhaps your boyfriend can ask her questions about this to find out the truth.
Be aware that at this age girls can be very manipulative, so both you and your boyfriend need to be on your guard, but firm.
If there are underlying issues then I do agree that the father should be honest with the counsellor. It is only when the root cause is exposed that the counsellor may be in a position to help the child process what has happened and help her to deal with it.
Best wishes
Good luck
This 13 year old child clearly has some disturbing issues. Daughters always bond closer to their father than the mother. Boys to their mothers.
The 13 year old is desperately clinging to her father for fear of losing him. It has been a very traumatic experience for her when the parents split up.
I remember you mentioning that the father is afraid to cuddle his daughter at bed time and says good night at the door. He needs to be very firm with her should she make inappropriate advances at him.
He still needs to tell her that he loves her, it is not her fault that the marriage broke down and that he will always love her. He needs to be blunt and tell her that there are rules in the house that she needs to stick to and he also needs to tell her that although he loves you and wants to spend his life with you, that she is to understand that that does not change his love for her. If she brings up the sexual acts, then he needs to tell her straight that this is inappropriate and daddies and daughters do NOT do these things.
When she starts to straddle on him, I feel he needs to be firm and say he doesn't like it and she is not to do it. But to reassure her that he still loves her because she is his baby and no matter how old she will be, she will always be his baby.
He also needs to tell her that she is not going to get between him and you, but that does not affect the fact that she is his baby and that it is wrong to talk and think about sexual acts with him.
The teenage years are the worst for parents and the children. She needs a firm hand and not ***** footing around. She will continue doing what she is doing until her father takes a firm stand. If he does not, she will forever be trying to makes things hard for you and your boyfriend.
Children do this in a normal relationship by playing the mother against the father. If she sees that her father and you are standing together and are strong and nothing she does will separate you, and you keep reassuring her that you both care for her, she will eventually get the message into her brain and settle down.
If there is any incest going on at her mother's house and the grandfather is touching her in a way that he shouldn't, perhaps your boyfriend can ask her questions about this to find out the truth.
Be aware that at this age girls can be very manipulative, so both you and your boyfriend need to be on your guard, but firm.
If there are underlying issues then I do agree that the father should be honest with the counsellor. It is only when the root cause is exposed that the counsellor may be in a position to help the child process what has happened and help her to deal with it.
Best wishes
Good luck
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