confused

[Lynne70]

OK, never addressed this before, don't know where to begin. This is not a typical question. I am 41 years old. Been married now for 21 years. When I was young I was mollested by my cousin and his friend, I was about 6. Then I was almost again by another cousin but I screamed and my mom came in. Then again when I was 13, another cousin cornered me in his room while visiting, he was trying to kiss me and was fondeling, but again I was able to get away.OK, in HS, I dated a guy for 2 years but never had consentual sex. I said no, but he wanted it when he wanted it. I thought at this point this was normal for guys, given my past. I thought I loved him till I found out he was cheating on me, so I broke up,thinking we could still be friends. We all went out during the day, well he dropped everyone else off, I was the last one.Well he wanted sex one last time, I said no take me home, he said if I wasn't going to give it, then he would take it.I fought as hard as I could. He flat out raped me, then acted like nothing. I remember crying for days.I never told anyone, no family, no friends. OK so I dated a few more guys after that, friends that I thought would never hurt me, but as soon as I had sex, they cheated on me. So this is where my hubby comes in, I dated him my sr yr of HS, when we had sex, I just cried. I told him about the rape. He was my night and shining armor. So I thought. We got married, had 2 kids early in the marriage. OK I finally found out after 15 years of being verbally abused that the way he treated me was wrong. I was hurt and felt unwanted. I started to a guy friend I had met at my sis's house. It started out friendship, then escalated into an affair. Hubby, found out. I thought we worked things out. I have been keeping a journal since 2001 of his actions and comments to me. I had him read it. Thought it would help. We saw conselor. I was faithful for 4 more years. But everything went back the same. We still don't talk. We have sex sometimes. We have nothing in common but the boys. For the past 2 yrs I am struggling with being faithful. I cant say no. I am still seeing the guy that I had the affair with 6 yrs ago. but now there is like 3 others. I love sex, I don't think it is all sex. I am in love with the feeling of being wanted and desired. I love the attention that these men give me. I know our marriage is about over. but he sees nothing wrong. It is all driving me crazy. I am finally seeing a psychologist on Saturday to help me with my issues. My question is, Is there anyone out there that has been thru what I have been thru and still crave the attention from men??? Please help. I feel that there is something terribly wrong with me. Thru the abuse and rape, is this a normal reaction.....       Thanks Lynne

[Lynne70]

Thank you again and I will definitely let you know. Will keep y'all posted.

[specialmom]

Anytime Lynne, I'm around if you need anything. You can pm me anytime as well.  Keep us updated.

[Lynne70]

Thank you so much for your concerns. This is going to be a very hard road for me. I have my faith and family do in that aspect I know I will be ok. Now I have to find the strong person that used to live in me so many years ago. I know she is still in there, I just have to set her free from the constant abuse and let it find me again. That is my plan, once I leave, I plan to be by myself and really do some soul searching and not be with any man. I don't really want to be around husband either, he will say what a stupid mistake I'm making and I will never make it on my own. Just like he keeps telling me that my salon will fail. I know I will not fail, I can't and won't.

Thank you again for all your concerns. Thank you for allowing me to open up and talk to you all. It is comforting to know that there are people that have been through similiar situations and that we can talk to other people. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will let you know how this all goes.

[specialmom]

Lynne, I am so glad that you are embracing therapy and have found a psychologist that you can open up to and find real help from.  This is wonderful and I am so happy for you.  It is by examining ourselves and our lives that we can change it.  That you are so willing to do so, I have high hopes for you.  You would be shocked at the number of people unwilling to do this or to spend their whole life making excuses.  They never face their fear or do some of the difficult things it takes to move ahead in their life.  You are going to be able to move past your previous hurt and pain and stop causing hurt and pain to yourself and others as well.  

Let us know how therapy continues to go and as you make plans to live on your own.  I still think you should stay clear of all men at this point for your own sake.  

peace and much luck.  GOOD for you dear!

[Lynne70]

OMG. You all are wonderful. Thank you all do much for responding.I was never able to open up till I wrote what I wrote. I did see the therapist on Saturday. It went really well. I think with me opening to you all, I was finally able to fully open up to her. That was my first visit and i actually told her everything. It actually felt good to finally tell someone. You all are right in some points that this is normal, whatever normal is. She actually said that I am further along than any of her first time patients. I know what this all is and how it makes me feel and that I am still dealing with verbal abuse from my husband of 22 years. The one that was supposed to help and protect me is also the one that is controlling me. I have decided to take a break from my husband for awhile. Ive asked him over and over for years to treat me with respect and equally. That I see will not happen. He sees nothing wrong, it's all in my head. I thinks somewhere he still loves me. But I talked to him the other night, telling him nothing has changed since our last talk, bout two months ago. The therapist said I have been alone for so many years but my fear is. I have never been alone financially. I'm scared to death to leave but I can't live like this. I deserve to be loved, wanted and desired. He doesn't act like he wants me. Hasn't for years except for sex. When he wants it that's when he wants me. The therapist actually asked if I thought he was having an affair. Being that he is so controlling. She said 80% of controlling men will deny to his grave and i will never know. I have thought it off and on for 10 years but when I have confronted him, he deny it and then say that I am F***** crazy and it's all in my head and I'm insane. So now I really wonder. Our marriage has been over for years. I have tried to get things back. Good for a few months then it will always go back to our norm. I feel horrible for our boys. I still love my husband, he is a great man to everyone else just not me. I love him he is all I've known for 22 years but I have not been in love with him for many many years. Any advise or suggestions. Everyone that knows us keeps telling me to be strong and I will survive and be able to live on my own. BUT IM SO SCARED.   I go see therapist on this Saturday too.

[Kayannaboo]

Lynne, your story is really touching to me and I agree that with all that has happened in your life, you are traumatized. You are a wonderful person, I know this because bad people do not feel terrible about the things they do. I completely understand why you do the things you do. It has become natural for you to say yes to men when they ask for sex. This is what I believe (I am not a professional), because you got raped and said no and fought you want to save yourself the trauma by not saying no. You are trying to ensure that sex is consensual so that you do not have to deal with anyone taking it from you again. Its fear and its natural.

However, this body is yours, a simple and powerful statement, "THIS BODY IS YOURS" and because this is so you can regain control of it. No one has the right to take what is yours. You have the right to not give it if you do not wish because it belongs to you. I do not expect you to wake up one morning and say "hey I'm healed and I will start saying 'no' from now on." I expect you to work hard so that you can say this and believe it. I was raped and it had the opposite effect on me, I never ever wanted to share my body with anyone. Even though some may say that is a good thing, I felt like a prisoner. I worried about sex constantly, hiding myself as much as I could. I was raped at 10 and so it took me awhile to acknowledge that my body is mine for sharing when I want, not endangering myself but not living in fear either, a balance.

I like that you are not making excuses, simply stating the facts of cause and effects i.e. getting raped is causing infidelity. I suggest that you look at your life and understand who you want to be. The kind of woman, wife and person you wish to be. Having that clear goal in mind, you bend your mind to doing whatever it takes to get to that point. I truly commend you on being honest about the way your life is going, it is remarkable because not everyone can say 'I am unfaithful'.

I hope you take great care and keep me updated on your progress. See a therapist, you can address pressing issues, past and present. It will be a great relief. You will have to tap into some serious emotions but in the end, you will see results and you will be happy with them.

xoxoxoxo Anna  

[shell921]

specialmom is right--your past traumas are ruling your life. time for therapy. i think you have a love addiction. get help today! life is short and you do not want to keep living this way.

[tynkrbel]

Lynne, I was touched and saddened by Your story

and also touched by SpecialMom's insight - very wise Lady indeed!!  

I'm glad You are seeing a psychologist - I'm sure You will finally find peace with YourSelf.  Good Luck

[specialmom]

Lynne, all people react differently to various traumas in their life.  There are some typical reactions and the way we view sex and men can certainly be skewed if we have been molested in our lifetime.

Now, let me also add that it is obviously no excuse for making poor and hurtful choices (hurtful to those we love as well as ourself).  I am glad that you are taking active measures to change this self destructive behavior as that is ultimately what it is doing.  Self respect and our inner core can be damaged when we are out of control in the way you describe.  

I'd personally suggets you stop any and all contact with ANY of these men.  Today, cold turkey.  I would work very hard with your therapist to discover what is driving you.  Sure, it feels good to have these men's attention and to feel desired.  But I'd imagine it is feeding something else as well.  It sure puts a wall up to true and real love, doesn't it?  

What happens with your marriage, I don't know.  He's unaware at this point of your 'other' side and life you lead outside the marriage.  

Wouldn't it be wonderful to live authentically without hiding a side to yourself?  Wouldn't it feel great to not feel like an impulse was driving you rather than consiencous thought?  Wouldn't you find great strength in understanding that there is more to you than what you offer men?  

This is all possible but you really have to jump off the train here.  That train you are currently on is going to crash anyway, so I'd jump sooner rather than later.  Jumping means giving up some things that you've found as comfort, enjoyment, band aids to other issues within yourself.  Jumping means laying it out there for a therapist to explore with you.  It is a little scary but really------------  every woman needs to know they are just fine with NO man in their life.  

Let us know how your therapy session goes.