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Dating Ex Brother
I have a question, and I feel real weird concerning the situation, but my Ex-husbands brother says that he's in love with me and wants to marry me. My Ex was really abusive mentally and emotionally and he was a severe alcoholic. I stayed with him for 13years trying to make my family work, but the alcoholism took over so I left. Well this was in 06 well a few months ago my Ex's brother's wife left him, but she was a REAL B****. But my Ex-brother in law was telling me what a good woman I am and his brother didn't know what he had. So I have been giving it consideration, my friends says that I need to go on with my life and maybe I was just with the wrong brother anyway. He treats me like a queen and I appreciate that, he is ver sensative to my feelings and I am currently dealing with a health condition where I had to have brain surgery for and he stayed by my bedside the entire time when at the same time my Ex never visited me once to check on me, and I'm the mothe of his kids. I just wanted to see what other's think with this situation, and the brother says he don't care what his family thinks because you can't help who you fall in love with.
I made a mistake when I was typing this and said that my ex's brother wife left him a few months ago...I meant a few years ago...like in 2010...So I am not the first woman that he ran to...I am the first one he is trying to be in a real relationship with...but I had someone from the forum privately write me about this situation and listening to other's opinions... yes it seems like a mess in the making but really what isn't? after I left my husband and started dateing again... I dated someone and I really thought we had something goin, this lasted over a year....and guess what he was engaged to someone else but his fiance' had left town to train for a job promotion...I ended up catching him while out to eat with some of my friends...I had brought this man around my family and friends going over his families house...and I was getting played the entire time. I was so hurt and decided that I was not going to date and I've stuck to that...I trust no one and my Ex's brother know how I feel in regards trust issues...As of now I really don't care what people think....And I sure don't care about my ex and what he thinks hell he won't even help me with our children, he's with a woman who is so jealous of our kids that my kids can't even go over their house...And he allows it to go on....So this is my last message in regards this issue...
The other thing is, saying she's "seen and heard worse before" is not exactly the most unqualified endorsement. Maybe all of these people are trying to tell you something about the brother.
As I said, I do know someone who married one sister after another, and the second marriage wound up happy. But again, that was with a lot of time in between. This guy seems to be jumping very fast. A lot of guys won't even talk marriage in only "a few months," and this guy is talking marriage in that span of time since breaking up a marriage. It would make me alert to the possibilities that are not all good.
As I said, I do know someone who married one sister after another, and the second marriage wound up happy. But again, that was with a lot of time in between. This guy seems to be jumping very fast. A lot of guys won't even talk marriage in only "a few months," and this guy is talking marriage in that span of time since breaking up a marriage. It would make me alert to the possibilities that are not all good.
Ultimately, this is a decision that only you can make. To me, it seems like a whole bunch of drama is on the horizon. AT least you have the mothers approval, but the rest of the family??? I see a lot of tension down the road.
Thanks for you input...I have wrote the situation out several times and it continues to tell me post failed...so when I get the energy to rewrite it I will...but to RockRose...I just feel the immediate family doesn't want us together like his other brother and sisters including my Ex..but his mom seems fine with it...she say's she seen and heard worse before. But tomorrow I will write a bit about this.
I agree with the other's concerns, but I have seen this dynamic of choosing a brother in law to marry work before, especially in the case of widows.
In those cases, though, honestly, the wife was so pleased with her husband and so heartbroken at his passing that she went "back to the well" for another brother, and that worked out too.
The fact that the brother doesn't care what his family thinks is a concern to me - in other words, they're against you two being together. Why? I'd think if you were loved by the family, and he is, they'd be pleased as punch to have you both together so your children will be well taken care of and you'd remain inside the family.
It sounds like that isn't the case.
In those cases, though, honestly, the wife was so pleased with her husband and so heartbroken at his passing that she went "back to the well" for another brother, and that worked out too.
The fact that the brother doesn't care what his family thinks is a concern to me - in other words, they're against you two being together. Why? I'd think if you were loved by the family, and he is, they'd be pleased as punch to have you both together so your children will be well taken care of and you'd remain inside the family.
It sounds like that isn't the case.
ps -- "Ex was really abusive mentally and emotionally and he was a severe alcoholic;" were the two brothers raised in the same house? People learn abuse from their childhood environment, and I hate to mention it but the physical tendency to become addicted to alcohol also runs in families. Don't be entirely certain the problems in his marriage were all on the wife's side of the ledger.
I would say the timeline for him is wrong ... as you did, he needs to be on his own two feet emotionally for a while before considering getting together with anyone, or it probably won't succeed. After all, he has only been out of his marriage a few months, and a relationship based on need is not starting well. It also sounds a bit like you are afraid you will lose him forever if you nobly tell him this. But he should not be patching up the gaps left in his life by his divorce (or even the gaps left in his life by being married to an unpleasant woman) by jumping into a relationship with anyone else.
That was the bad news, he really should have some time and distance from dependency on any woman to make him feel good, before he lets himself get serious.
The good news is, I do know one guy who married one sister after his marriage with another was over. He didn't start dating her right away, I don't think he even thought of her existence, but they did get together a few years later and are very happy. So it is possible, although rare for obvious reasons. But I don't think the situations are parallel, since your guy doesn't even sound fully out of his marriage yet.
Please talk to him about this very point. One possibility is to tell him you like him a lot, and would be excited if he has you on his list for the future, and that you feel you might do very well together, but that you want him to take some time and have a clean break from any serious relationship first, for his own sake. I think that if you approach it this way you will still have a chance when he fully recovers emotionally. And frankly I don't think the relationship would stand a chance if he doesn't have that clean break.
That was the bad news, he really should have some time and distance from dependency on any woman to make him feel good, before he lets himself get serious.
The good news is, I do know one guy who married one sister after his marriage with another was over. He didn't start dating her right away, I don't think he even thought of her existence, but they did get together a few years later and are very happy. So it is possible, although rare for obvious reasons. But I don't think the situations are parallel, since your guy doesn't even sound fully out of his marriage yet.
Please talk to him about this very point. One possibility is to tell him you like him a lot, and would be excited if he has you on his list for the future, and that you feel you might do very well together, but that you want him to take some time and have a clean break from any serious relationship first, for his own sake. I think that if you approach it this way you will still have a chance when he fully recovers emotionally. And frankly I don't think the relationship would stand a chance if he doesn't have that clean break.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there, welcome to the forum. Well, I see a couple of problems with this scenario right off the bat. First, I think that if you have kids, this would be a bit difficult. Second, and most important--- good men don't typically come ready made like this. Meaning, he just got out of a relationship, a marriage. Whether his ex wife (is he fully divorced yet?) was a real b*** or not is irrelevent. He needs time dear. And he bases his feelings on you as the wife to a family member.
This just doesn't sound like a good situation.
I'm sensing that you are lonely and this is easy. I would suggest that you look further and keep the ex as a supportive friend.
How long have you been divorced and do you have kids?
This just doesn't sound like a good situation.
I'm sensing that you are lonely and this is easy. I would suggest that you look further and keep the ex as a supportive friend.
How long have you been divorced and do you have kids?
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