how to deal with high sex drive and husband with lower sex drive...

[psyvamp71]

I am in a big quandry--- I am very hypersexual---all the time--even on antidepressants and 3 mood stabilizers. I have never strayed from my marriage-- but my husband has a lower sex drive than other men I've been with  before getting married- and he's not very accommodating alot of the time....This hurts my feelings an makes me feel bad about myself even more. (low self esteem) and I did try masturbating -- but it's not the same as sex with my husband. I guess I need the sex with him to feel loved and connected to him. Though he is the greatest man I know, and treats me very well. We've had some sexual issues in the past-- him with porn and masturbation --which I am VERY against-- to me it's the same as cheating.....Yet here we are 10 years together, and happy. Except for my sex drive. I sometimes think he builds a wall between us to avoid it anymore. and often just blames my bipolar anytime I want to have sex with him-- even if i am just feeling "Normal" in my sexuality--- this hurts. Usually the only time he wants sex is when HE initiates it---- and that is never turned down and is always good, or better than good. But he so very often refuses me if I initiate--- when we first got together that was a big turn on for him---then I got diagnosed as bipolar. He didn't take it well, and didn't support me in anyway for a couple of years. (his ex-wife was bipolar- he knew that when he married her- and they had a terrible marriage and nasty breakup) that was about 5 years before me. It's taken him a long time to become understanding and supportive of me--- I feel like I had to prove myself to him that I was not like his ex.... that hurt too. We finally-- 5 years into our marriage put that ***** to rest. We've had some counseling-- when he was doing porn so much and avoiding sex with me. But we ended up working that out ourselves. Difficult but we did it-- I finally told him its me or porn-- you cant have both--and handed him my wedding ring. He was crushed and began talking with me more and avoiding the porn more and more til he stopped. That was about 4 years ago. We have not had any issue with it since. But back to me--- all that affects me still, (PTSD) and makes me paranoid as hell sometimes. Then I feel more driven to want sex with him so as to keep him satisfied well enough that he won't be tempted to use porn again---then comes my super high sex drive as well--- and we go to bed with me wanting for sex and him wanting just to hold me instead-- often it's very frustrating. But I take what I can get.  I'm not in therapy any more since he lost his job in the oil/gas industry crash a year ago--- we have no insurance except my medicare i get with my disability.....I have my GP write my RX's for my psych meds-- and he added the third mood stabilizer about a month ago. I feel the most "stable" I have ever felt--- to the point of being almost a drone...LOL! (no temper flares, no deep depression- pretty decent sense of self) ... Though
my sex drive and bit of paranoia are my biggest problems. How do I deal with those?  I love my husband very much--- and I seem to be what his world revolves around.... We try to be totally honest with each other-- but sometimes I find that hard to do about my sexuality-- and I feel I am acting as someone I'm really not in bed just to please him and keep him placated. I'm very reserved in bed with him-- not the sex crazed kinky person I used to be with my ex and lover before I met my current husband.... met my current husband..... I feel lost sometimes - like I am lying to him not being my true self-- because I can't let go in bed ---and I know he would just say "it's just the bipolar making you act this way.".....But that's not always true. I can't talk to him about this. Too many reasons to list- but one being I'm scared of how he might react--and call it just a symptom of my bipolar....  I don't know how to deal with the problems in our sex life ( my hypersexuality) ( he thinks nothing is wrong and says he's satisfied as is) We only have sex about 3 times a week, sometimes more. I'd like it every day. :)  He seems indifferent to me, and cold--not very affectionate quite alot. This hurts me.
I need advice on how to handle these feelings and deal with my hypersexuality.... I'm frustrated with myself and with life right now..... (Sorry I rambled on and on...)

[Nighthawk61]

Well, thanks for posting. I hope that others come by and chime in.

I think that you need to talk to a therapist yourself, and so it's unfortunate that your insurance ran out. I'm sorry that your husband's job was lost. :(

Since you can't get to a therapist, there must be books written by Psychologists on the subject of Hyper sexuality out there ??

I think that 3 x a week , sometimes more is pretty decent, and that you need to learn how to make that work for yourself.

You say that you need the sexual intimacy to feel close to your husband, and i get that, but you need to feel that closeness with 3 x a week. Other than that, i think that you and he should maybe spend more quality time together out of bed. So that you are able to equate "closeness" as something that you can get from intimacy outside of sexual intimacy.
Do you tell your husband you love him often ? and does he return by saying he loves you too ? I feel very close to my husband every day with or without sex by saying those words.

I really think you need to learn how to spend time cuddling, and holding hands, or touching without it having to lead to sex.

You've said ...-then comes my super high sex drive as well--- and we go to bed with me wanting for sex and him wanting just to hold me instead-- often it's very frustrating. ....

|I think you need to learn how to let your husband hold you at night without expecting sex.... so many relationships fail because of this very scenario. Someone wanting to cuddle, and the other expecting sex.,,,

The other possible answer if this is not something that you can do, is to find another partner that is more compatible to you sexually...

You've said that you have been to couples therapy, what did you learn there that can help you now ?

Meanwhile i'll check and see if there's anything online about hypersexuality that might help you...

Keep your chin up,

Liz

[Nighthawk61]

Hi there, i noticed that you (rightfully) posted this thread back in August in the BiPolar Community and didn't get any help then, so i'm sorry about that.  I'm glad that you came  back and gave your Post a try here in the Relationship Community.

First, let me say, that i have a lot of respect for you that you have not gone outside of your marriage to satisfy any obsessive sexual need on your part. That is very admirable of you.

When you say ...I have never strayed from my marriage-- but my husband has a lower sex drive than other men I've been with  before getting married- and he's not very accommodating alot of the time....This hurts my feelings an makes me feel bad about myself even more. (low self esteem)

First, you've said that your earlier partner was also Bipolar and Hypersexual, so i think that you are comparing your husband inadequately. I think that having sex " 3 x a week, sometimes more" is pretty much the average and I don't think your husband is at all Under Sexed or Has a Low Sex Drive, rather that the men that you are comparing your husband to, were younger, single , where sex may have taken too much of a priority in their and maybe your lives. It could be that your experience was a very unhealthy one, and i don't think you should be using those experiences to judge your husband as having a low(er) sex drive.  In that, the sexual relationships in your past may have concentrated more on sex, than on all the other areas of a dynamic relationship. ie. Companionship and friendship within the marriage.

Interestingly, you've said... ".he's not very accommodating alot of the time....This hurts my feelings an makes me feel bad about myself even more. (low self esteem)" I don't think that it is healthy for a women to base her self esteem on having an over abundance of sex, or any sex. Sex should not be the thing that gives you self esteem. Therefore , i think that you're husband is doing you a favor for not being accommodating and allowing a sex addiction to get worse.

You've said .... " I did try masturbating -- but it's not the same as sex with my husband. I guess I need the sex with him to feel loved and connected to him." First off. I think that you need to know in your heart, that your husband is not going to "accommodate" or enable your Hypersexuality, so i would consider masturbating your only recourse, if you are in need of further gratification or sexual stimulation. You've said that " I guess I need the sex with him to feel loved and connected to him" Well, yes, i think that's normal, however you SHOULD be getting that connection with him with the "3 x and sometimes more" that he is comfortable providing you with. More sex is not going to make you feel more connected with your husband. There is something that needs to happen in your head , not in your body, that will make you feel the connection with your husband. Maybe it is your lack of self esteem that is stopping that connection with your husband. Your go to answer is to have more sex, which will boost your self esteem and connect you moreso to your partner. In reality, self esteem should have nothing to do with your partner. Self Esteem is what you need to find for yourself , away from your marriage and your husband. Your husband's self esteem has nothing to do with you. A healthy person's self esteem come from them making plans for their career and future, volunteering, being a good wife and mother, being a kind person. You've gone into great detail about your partners prior to your husband, but you've said nothing about your education or your career. Your prior relationships were unhealthy, as you stated your partner (one at least and probably more) were people with bi polar seeking that all their needs be met with an abundance of sex. YOU NEED TO LEARN TO GAIN YOUR SELF ESTEEM OUTSIDE OF YOUR MARRIAGE . You need to bring your self esteem to your marriage. Your heightened self esteem will bring you closer to your husband. Your connection with your husband will be closer, if you do the work that your therapist set you up with when you were attending therapy. You need to continue on with the work that your therapist was working on with you when you lost your insurance.

You've said .. " even if i am just feeling "Normal" in my sexuality--- this hurts. Usually the only time he wants sex is when HE initiates it---- and that is never turned down and is always good, or better than good. But he so very often refuses me if I initiate--- when we first got together that was a big turn on for him---then I got diagnosed as bipolar. He didn't take it well, and didn't support me in anyway for a couple of years" Your husband sounds like he does not want to exacerbate your bi polar by allowing you to control what goes on in the bedroom. You say he used to like it when you initiated sex, but after the diagnosis, (where he obviously became in the know about Hypersexuality and Sex Addiction) he no longer wanted to have sex. I think that is because he sees a session brought on by you as being somehow "fake" like it is an obsession for you... I think he may resent the fact that your self esteem is conditional upon him jumping when you say to jump. I think it's just a turn off for him to think that if he does give in and get involved he is making the problem worse.

So he has it in his mind that he doesn't have any mental illness. and he can trust himself to initiate an "average " amount of sexual encounters, and as he doesn't have any mental illness, he wants YOU to trust him give him the control as to when you are sexually together, so that the relationship stays healthy for both of you. He wants you , no, he demands of you that you stay within the parameters of what is "average" by way of an average amount of sex.

I think that the BIGGEST problem that you have, outside of not being able to trust your husband to be the one that initiates a good average amount of sexual contact, is that you are NOT SEEING the importance of you two being able to hold one another without it having to become sexual. It is a HUGE part of INTIMACY with a partner to touch in a COMFORTING WAY, rather than a sexual way.

I think the first thing you need to do, it to start to research if you haven't already, and find ways to control your bipolar , outside of just medicating. I also think you need to learn to see his side, and have some understanding that he is trying to be helpful by not enabling the Hypersexuality.

[Nighthawk61]

So your husband is right saying that your Hypersexuality is inherent in your Bipolar Diagnosis, and i think you need to really consider this and let it sink in. 3 x a week sometimes more is not a Low Sex Drive for a normal adult that has a life outside of the bedroom.  Honestly i think that he may be seemingly indifferent and cold and not as affectionate, because you are grasping at straws trying to make your illness about him having a problem (low sex drive). He knows when he takes control that your sex life is not hypersexual, He trusts himself because he doesn't have the problem that he cannot trust himself., but if he is constantly being challenged and told that what he provides is not good enough, of course he's going to start to think that this relationship  may be going the same way as his first marriage. Why wouldn't he?


You ask, How to handle your feelings and deal with your hypersexuality.  HONESTLY IF IT WERE ME I would trust my husband to provide a sex life that did not enable and exacerbate a mental obsession of mine. I simply would not expect , with my condition, that i would be the one that initiated sex, and i would leave that and trust that , to the discretion of the partner who had no unhealthy attitudes about sex. I think that you are frustrated with yourself right now because you have not accepted the fact that it is not healthy for you to be in the position of demanding or initiating sex. I think that if you really look at your life, and find acceptance that you're husband IS healthy and DOES NOT HAVE A LOW SEX DRIVE, and has a FULL UNDERSTANDING OF YOUR BIPOLAR/HYPER SEXUALITY and that you can TRUST HIM make the decisions in the bedroom, you would be ALOT HAPPIER. I think you need to read up on what you should and could be doing, to find your self esteem outside of the bedroom, like do the exercising that's suggested, get a hobby, find a new enterprise. DO actions other than sex that give you a sense of purpose. REALIZE that what happens in the bedroom SHOULD NOT BE WHAT PROVIDES YOU WITH SELF ESTEEM. REALIZE that you will not get more connected to your husband with more than 3x a week of sex. Rather, your husband will become more connected and more intimate if he sees that you are researching and acting upon suggestions to help you overcome aspects of your bipolar and hypersexuality that cannot and have not been managed by medication.

Although your husband is happy enough with what is happening in your bedroom, i would be concerned that he is obviously frustrated that your bipolar (hypersexuality) is not progressively being managed.

I remember as a young lady how appalled i was to have young men so hypersexual , whether it be on the dance floor , or wherever. It was very ONE DIMENSIONAL.  If i were you, I would work on how to gain your self esteem outside of the bedroom. I would work on things that you were given to work on when you did have a therapist. I would get a personal therapist when one became available. I would let your husband off the hook, as he no longer needs therapy, and has a pretty good adept working knowledge of bipolar, I  suggest you trust him to tell you what's normal. He sounds like he's got a good handle on your love life. The biggest thing that i think you need to do is to adopt an approach that does not blame other people for a problem that you are having. By taking responsibility for your condition, you can find a way with research to control your life , outside of the bedroom.

I know that it's not an easy question to ask, and i pray that you are not offended by my answer.

I think that you can learn to be happy, with some work on your part. I think it's wonderful you have a supportive educated partner, who is trying his best to keep control and not enable you. HE MUST LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!!!! Sounds like he's a keeper. Please continue to not seek gratification elsewhere.  IF YOU WOULD EVEN CONSIDER IT, YOU NEED TO BREAK IT OFF WITH YOUR HUSBAND. You will destroy whatever self esteem you do have by cheating on a good man. It will serve to destroy you and have far reaching effects. I have so much respect for you for controlling yourself and keeping within the parameters of your marriage, though i seemed to her a little resignation in your first words, like it is expected of persons with bi polar or hypersexuality to cheat. when there is never an excuse to cheat. One needs to break up or at least separate should they ever want to meet up with anyone else. I'M glad you get that.

Lastly, try to see things from your husband's perspective. A) He's gone through this with is first wife and had it back fire and lose so much, Of course he's serious about not allowing things to get out of hand in your relationship. He knows that hypersexuality often comes with cheating. That's why he's not as affectionate, because you're not  becoming humble and accepting that he's trying to keep your relationship real. Just a thought. TRY TO UNDERSTAND HIS POSITION.


____________________________________________________________ http://www.bphope.com/opening-the-door-on-hypersexuality/

http://www.hypersexualdisorders.com/hypersexual-disorder-signs/

http://brainblogger.com/2015/10/01/sex-addiction-defining-the-subtypes-of-hypersexuality-disorder/

http://www.cleveland.com/healthfit/index.ssf/2013/03/hypersexual_disorder_can_be_he.html

There's a lot of research accumulating on this compulsive-addictive problem. We know that it can be a form of self-medication -- often in an attempt to ease depression or anxiety. And once this behavior takes control of your life (that's the definition of an addiction), it interferes with your relationships, your work and your physical health. Sex addiction is associated with job loss, dissolution of an ongoing relationship and contracting sexually transmitted diseases.

Your best bet is to get help -- and the sooner the better -- so you can identify the feelings that fuel your actions. Look up "Sex Addicts Anonymous" online for more information. Also, cognitive behavioral therapy may offer you ways to change your behavior, and talk therapy can let you explore your subconscious motivations.

We urge you to combine those solutions with a daily workout: Go for 10,000 steps a day, or 45 to 60 minutes on the bike, in the pool or jogging. Add strength training two to three days a week, too. You'll dispel a lot of stress, ease depression and anxiety, and respect your body more.

You also may be surprised by how altering your diet can ease depression and change your attitude about yourself. You can reduce bodywide inflammation by eliminating fatty and processed foods, excess alcohol and added sugars and sugar syrups. It really will help transform your outlook.

[Londres70]

Hypersexuality is as worrisome as hyposexuality.  

Sex isn't a pressing issue with your husband especially if he is jobless as that is understandable.

3x/week sounds reasonable, HOWEVER, if the quality of the sex is so so (you aren't able to be a sex crazed kinky person) then I don't think 7 days a week is going to make a difference meaning the frequency isn't going to make the quality better.  Plus, if you trying to have more sex with your husband to keep the porn at bay then that is maladaptive and is NO solution.

Sounds he doesn't want to deal with another Bipolar wife and he is doing his best to deal with this, but blaming everything you do on your diagnosis points to the fact he needs education in regards to this diagnosis especially if he is going to remain married to you which I don't think he is going to do.

This diagnosis is a heavy one and it will take a special man to be total able to handle this and maybe he isn't the one?

Maybe trying to find some self-help books and

[Londres70]

When I stated "which I don't think he is going to do" that was in regards to educating himself about Bipolar disorder.

Maybe trying to find some self-help books could be helpful, however, you need to work on finding a way to resume therapy.  

[psyvamp71]

I honestly don't think for a second that he would ever leave me. He says he would be lost without me and that I am his best friend. He tells me he loves me often and shows it in many ways everyday. He is a wonderful man... and our marriage is VERY good and strong outside the bedroom---and from what everyone else is saying, its fine there too and I just need to learn to accept this. I'm trying- that's why I posted here-- to find ideas on ways for ME to learn to cope/accept life as being as good as my husband claims it to be. ( other than my demanding sexuality).... everyone has had some good points- several stated the same points- so there must be something to that. I agree he does need to further educate himself on bipolar- and I have emailed him articles and literature on the subject many times. I've tried talking to him about it-- but it doesn't always 'sink in'. I will continue to read peoples responses to my post and try to incorporate some of their suggestions.

[psyvamp71]

I am currently disabled due to my bipolar, asthma, arthritis and fibromyalgia. I was a nurse---which I loved very much--and I do miss working . I do have a college degree, 2 in fact.

We tell each other we love each other quite alot. We do have touching intimacies  other than sex on a regular basis.

I could never imagine being with anyone else since we married 9 years ago.

I will take your suggestions into consideration and work on myself as you suggested.  thank you.

[Londres70]

I didn't say he was going to leave you; I clarified that in my second post.  I just think he has no interest in learning about this disorder, however, sounds like he is doing the best he can to deal with it.

I do hope you find the help you need and that you are able to get your therapy back on board as that is needed as this situation is convoluted.

Nighthawk has offered a lot of great advice.

All the best.

[Nighthawk61]

Thank you Londres70 and You're very welcome.psyvamp. I'm glad to hear that you've got many good things going on in the relationship outside of the bedroom and it is not so much a one dimensional situation. I'm glad that you feel that you got some support here that can help you moving forward.

Just a thought, with your education , especially as a nurse, you would be doing a great favor to new immigrants if you were able to volunteer some of your time to them. My son and  his wife are actually starting to volunteer with the new Syrian refugees coming into Canada  as there is such a need to show them around town and give them some much needed hope. Maybe doing something like that yourself, or even as a team might take the focus off of your own problems in the relationship and add a new vigor to your partnership ? just a suggestion. If he's not jumping to do this, it only means that he wants to sit back and be amazed at your own abilities to help others in this ever changing world.

Please let us know how things are going ? and know that we're here for you  as friends, You never have to feel alone, You've got this new go to place , where you can send a message out and always have a sister in the wings .

Liz

[lsufan921]

Has the problem gotten any better? Hopefully you and husband have been making love or ******* more often. Let us know how it turns out please. I'm really curious

[psyvamp71]

UPDATE:   I am coping--- implementing some self restraint , complementing him more-- accepting his periods of just wanting to cuddle with more eagerness ( maybe that's not the right word) and just opening my eyes to the little things he does for me thru out the day and being thankful for it, I am also NOT initiating sex-- well--I tried -gently- to initiate once, but he said he didn't feel too good--so I stopped and just gave him a back massage. TRYING to implement some CBT, here too. No, frequency has not changed-- it's been 5 days now...We have talked about it some-- baby steps..... But feeling somewhat better about things. Had a bad weekend-- his grandmother passed away, she was 98 years old... so certain emotions were there that usually aren't.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm glad to hear that you're considering making some changes for the better for your marriage. Anything that is not natural and is forced, will not be worth the effort so i think you're on the right track. Hope to hear that you continue to relate and understand your partner's perspective. It will only help in the long run. Have you thought about implementing more exercise into your daily routine?