Aa
crazy hormones putting marriage in danger
i've read all these posts desperately looking for advice, and realize there is no cookie cutter answer because everyone's situation is different in some way.
i'm going to share my story, with the intentions of getting some real life advice without getting a lot of negative feedback. i know what i have done was wrong and terrible, but i am desperate to overcome this.
I'm 26 and basically been with my husband since age 14- he is 4 years older than me. i had some short times while we were taking a break and I did have some other sexual experiences besides him. I realized that what we had was special from the start of our relationship
so we've been together for 12 years and married almost 7. I knew exactly the person he was before we were married, and he knew exactly who i was as well. we took our time together to make sure we were absolutely right for each other, because marriage is permanent- in both our eyes.
We finish each other's sentences, have all the same interests, and really have a great relationship. I feel comfortable saying he's my soul mate. he would do anything in the world for me, and has transcended my shortcomings as a wife (don't like to cook and clean and all that stuff).
ok- so here's the problem. I went off birth control in order to get something non hormonal because of health problems the birth control was causing (we have no children). i have been on some type of birth control since 17, and always haven't felt totally healthy.
Well now, I have all these hormones! I feel like a 18 yr old boy in college. i never was about going out an partying, and now i want to go out every night and drink. I feel like i have become a different person in social aspects. I am seeking the excitement- the butterflys, the fun of how we were when were young.
He is an attractive man, and i was attracted to him from the beginning, but he is not in shape anymore- nothing totally disgusting though. many women find him very attractive. I'm having a hard time finding that feeling.
My sex drive was non existent while on birth control- and now it's insatiable. i think about it all the time, we are having a lot more sex also. But i don't find myself desiring him- just the act and feeling.
i was raped about six months before I met my husband (age 14). that's a whole different story.... so after that i had the mindset, well my virginity is gone now, no going back. so i found myself at that young age wanting to have sex with a boy in order for him to like me- not necessarily romantically, i just wanted them to think i was cool to hang out with. i had sex with 2 different older boys in order for their attention, unsuccessfully.
So at this point, that experience has made me mentally detach myself from sex, as in just because i have sex with you doesn't mean i want a relationship, just for fun. i can honestly say that I would let my husband to have sex with another woman (of course me knowing about it) and not be jealous, because our emotional connection is something that neither of us will ever find again- and we both know that.
so here's what you've been expecting this whole time, i've cheated. Two mutual friends, also married, that i just enjoy their company. I think about them all the time- the excitement, what i want to do next time, and so on. but i only want to be friends, i don't want to marry them, just friends that can have sex and not be weird about it- no emotional attachment.
Well of course this is eating me inside because i know that my husband would never want to be with another person and very attracted to me still. i know he doesn't want to be with anyone else because i asked him if we wanted to try that in order to keep our sex life exciting. I mean the man turned down a "hall pass" and he still has a very high sex drive.
all this guilt though, i've done it more than once. How can I keep doing this to him???? I can't imagine my life without him- we have so much fun together and are so compatible- i love him very much and would never want to hurt him- so why did I do this???????
my moral compass is off- i want to have my cake and eat it too- because it's just physical, even though i know this would devastate him if he were to find out, but i still feel like i want to have sex with these other men still. I know this is so messed up- i don't need you to tell me that.
I just want to know how I can get that passion back with my husband, so I won't need to think about sex with another person. I'm looking for advise, hopefully from people who have been in this situation, on how to overcome these feelings i'm having to regain control of myself and get back in this marriage wholeheartedly. please help
i'm going to share my story, with the intentions of getting some real life advice without getting a lot of negative feedback. i know what i have done was wrong and terrible, but i am desperate to overcome this.
I'm 26 and basically been with my husband since age 14- he is 4 years older than me. i had some short times while we were taking a break and I did have some other sexual experiences besides him. I realized that what we had was special from the start of our relationship
so we've been together for 12 years and married almost 7. I knew exactly the person he was before we were married, and he knew exactly who i was as well. we took our time together to make sure we were absolutely right for each other, because marriage is permanent- in both our eyes.
We finish each other's sentences, have all the same interests, and really have a great relationship. I feel comfortable saying he's my soul mate. he would do anything in the world for me, and has transcended my shortcomings as a wife (don't like to cook and clean and all that stuff).
ok- so here's the problem. I went off birth control in order to get something non hormonal because of health problems the birth control was causing (we have no children). i have been on some type of birth control since 17, and always haven't felt totally healthy.
Well now, I have all these hormones! I feel like a 18 yr old boy in college. i never was about going out an partying, and now i want to go out every night and drink. I feel like i have become a different person in social aspects. I am seeking the excitement- the butterflys, the fun of how we were when were young.
He is an attractive man, and i was attracted to him from the beginning, but he is not in shape anymore- nothing totally disgusting though. many women find him very attractive. I'm having a hard time finding that feeling.
My sex drive was non existent while on birth control- and now it's insatiable. i think about it all the time, we are having a lot more sex also. But i don't find myself desiring him- just the act and feeling.
i was raped about six months before I met my husband (age 14). that's a whole different story.... so after that i had the mindset, well my virginity is gone now, no going back. so i found myself at that young age wanting to have sex with a boy in order for him to like me- not necessarily romantically, i just wanted them to think i was cool to hang out with. i had sex with 2 different older boys in order for their attention, unsuccessfully.
So at this point, that experience has made me mentally detach myself from sex, as in just because i have sex with you doesn't mean i want a relationship, just for fun. i can honestly say that I would let my husband to have sex with another woman (of course me knowing about it) and not be jealous, because our emotional connection is something that neither of us will ever find again- and we both know that.
so here's what you've been expecting this whole time, i've cheated. Two mutual friends, also married, that i just enjoy their company. I think about them all the time- the excitement, what i want to do next time, and so on. but i only want to be friends, i don't want to marry them, just friends that can have sex and not be weird about it- no emotional attachment.
Well of course this is eating me inside because i know that my husband would never want to be with another person and very attracted to me still. i know he doesn't want to be with anyone else because i asked him if we wanted to try that in order to keep our sex life exciting. I mean the man turned down a "hall pass" and he still has a very high sex drive.
all this guilt though, i've done it more than once. How can I keep doing this to him???? I can't imagine my life without him- we have so much fun together and are so compatible- i love him very much and would never want to hurt him- so why did I do this???????
my moral compass is off- i want to have my cake and eat it too- because it's just physical, even though i know this would devastate him if he were to find out, but i still feel like i want to have sex with these other men still. I know this is so messed up- i don't need you to tell me that.
I just want to know how I can get that passion back with my husband, so I won't need to think about sex with another person. I'm looking for advise, hopefully from people who have been in this situation, on how to overcome these feelings i'm having to regain control of myself and get back in this marriage wholeheartedly. please help
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, you sound like you are in flux in terms of where you want to be and what you want to be doing. You really can't have your cake and eat it too so you must decide what the heck you really want. A stable, loving marriage or your chance to sow your wild oats and be with multiple men. Your choice. No shame in admitting that you don't want to be married right now. but if you do want to be married, embrace it and act like it. good luck
i'm not trying to sound like i have a double standard, just the way it's coming out. I am just so confused right now. you are all right that this is my fault and i am hurting so many people. i know this- that's why i joined this to see if anyone had been through a similar situation where they thought they were losing their minds and didn't feel like the same person you used to be.
I do feel like a terrible person- i know this. i appreciate all the comments. i don't know if this is like an identity struggle, or if this is what people are talking about when they have a mid life crisis.....
I do feel like a terrible person- i know this. i appreciate all the comments. i don't know if this is like an identity struggle, or if this is what people are talking about when they have a mid life crisis.....
Well....I don't think your husband is going to do any "open marriage" to rekindle the passion especially since he refused the hall pass.
So, you have two options: Decide to work on being a "one man" woman and stay in this marriage with the HELP of THERAPY or leave this marriage and seek an open relationship situation.
In my opinion, the assult incident has never been properly dealt with and RESOLVED and that is why you are resorting to this maladaptive behavior.
As Tink stated, think about the other lives you are upsetting with your behavior. Please take responsibility and put blame where blame is due and the HORMONES are NOT to blame. I find blaming "hormones" is a very immature thing to say.
Please sort yourself out properly and soon.
So, you have two options: Decide to work on being a "one man" woman and stay in this marriage with the HELP of THERAPY or leave this marriage and seek an open relationship situation.
In my opinion, the assult incident has never been properly dealt with and RESOLVED and that is why you are resorting to this maladaptive behavior.
As Tink stated, think about the other lives you are upsetting with your behavior. Please take responsibility and put blame where blame is due and the HORMONES are NOT to blame. I find blaming "hormones" is a very immature thing to say.
Please sort yourself out properly and soon.
good question, SpecialMom.
howtostop: I'm not real sure I understand all that You're saying. You said if You found out Your Husband had an affair You would be hurt but would not be devastated. Under the circumstances - why would You even be hurt? If it's okay for You, then why not Him? I don't get why You'd be hurt.
and
What about Your friends' Wives? Would They be hurt, not only by what Their Husbands are doing but also by You (double whammy for the wife!!)? They must be Friends of Yours too. So, there would be THREE people You are hurting here, whether They know it (YET) or not.
You also said it would be okay with You if Your Husband had an affair as long as You knew about it BUT - that's not what You're doing - You're doing it behind His back. How do You justify that?
howtostop: I'm not real sure I understand all that You're saying. You said if You found out Your Husband had an affair You would be hurt but would not be devastated. Under the circumstances - why would You even be hurt? If it's okay for You, then why not Him? I don't get why You'd be hurt.
and
What about Your friends' Wives? Would They be hurt, not only by what Their Husbands are doing but also by You (double whammy for the wife!!)? They must be Friends of Yours too. So, there would be THREE people You are hurting here, whether They know it (YET) or not.
You also said it would be okay with You if Your Husband had an affair as long as You knew about it BUT - that's not what You're doing - You're doing it behind His back. How do You justify that?
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm wondering something dear. Do you really want to stop or do you want to have an open marriage?
i respect your advice. I wasn't trying to put out a double standard, just the fact that it is wrong of my to hide this- to do it behind his back. I just meant that we should be able to both be open about it. if I found out he had an affair, i would be hurt, but it would not devastate me the same way it would to most people. that's all i was trying to say. thank you very much for taking the time to read my story
"a higher level of thinking and the capability to analyze and rationalize"
Very well stated Londres70!! Your ENTIRE message!! - but I especially liked paragraph #3. I TOTALLY believe/agree Our Behavior requires mental thought FIRST (even when prompted by emotional issues/experiences) and THEN action (intent). Which makes us responsible for the choices we make. Whether we choose right or wrong we are none the less responsible for our behaviors/choices - even when bad things have happened to us.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Well hon, you've made a mess as you know.
When you say that your husband doesn't want to be with anyone else and you've asked him, I immediately know that there are major issues and the longevity of this relationship is questionable. Your view of sex is damaged as you know. Perhaps because of your traumatic experience, perhaps because you tied yourself to a man at a very young age (I've known people to not have the sexual trauma but that married very young and had these same feelings you do), either way, intimacy doesn't hold true value for you and as it is a sacred part of a marriage union, it will be hard to sustain a longterm marriage with that skewed view. (now there are those 'swinging' couples but often those fall completely apart as well and you indicate that your husband has no interest in this.)
When you say he'd not want to be with another woman----- do you think he'll want to be with you when he finds out you've been with another man?
And you've chosen "friends" which means he probably knows them. That so incredibly hurtful. That stings twice and really, you may never regain his trust again when he finds out about this.
And when it is with more than one person and people that know you and him well, ugh, He's going to find out at some point. Prepare yourself for that.
All the excuses in the world will not make this better to him. Picture the look on his face when he learns of this. Picture his heart breaking. Think about how he'll feel about you after all you've been through together.
This is your motivation to clean up your act. If you love him---- don't hurt him this way. Either be faithful or leave him properly.
You do obviously need to do solo therapy to work on how this has happened and the emotions you have internally about it all. I'm sure you are not a bad person but are misguided. I hope you are able to fix this and go on to live an authentic life. good luck
When you say that your husband doesn't want to be with anyone else and you've asked him, I immediately know that there are major issues and the longevity of this relationship is questionable. Your view of sex is damaged as you know. Perhaps because of your traumatic experience, perhaps because you tied yourself to a man at a very young age (I've known people to not have the sexual trauma but that married very young and had these same feelings you do), either way, intimacy doesn't hold true value for you and as it is a sacred part of a marriage union, it will be hard to sustain a longterm marriage with that skewed view. (now there are those 'swinging' couples but often those fall completely apart as well and you indicate that your husband has no interest in this.)
When you say he'd not want to be with another woman----- do you think he'll want to be with you when he finds out you've been with another man?
And you've chosen "friends" which means he probably knows them. That so incredibly hurtful. That stings twice and really, you may never regain his trust again when he finds out about this.
And when it is with more than one person and people that know you and him well, ugh, He's going to find out at some point. Prepare yourself for that.
All the excuses in the world will not make this better to him. Picture the look on his face when he learns of this. Picture his heart breaking. Think about how he'll feel about you after all you've been through together.
This is your motivation to clean up your act. If you love him---- don't hurt him this way. Either be faithful or leave him properly.
You do obviously need to do solo therapy to work on how this has happened and the emotions you have internally about it all. I'm sure you are not a bad person but are misguided. I hope you are able to fix this and go on to live an authentic life. good luck
maybe see a therapist about it. and if not a therapist, at least talk to your husband so he can help you. just make sure hes not gonna get mad...
I don't have much to offer here except I completely agree with you about the hormonal birth control thing. On the pill, I had zero libido, and once I was finally off it after being on it for years (or pregnant) it was a real sexual awakening.
This isn't out of Your Control. You have Choices and You are Choosing this behavior. You say it would devastate Your Husband, as I'm sure it would, it would also devastate the Wives of the Men You've had sex with - if You wanted to, if You really, REALLY wanted to - that would be enough to prevent You from making these Choices.
Sexual desire originates in our BRAIN and we really do, we really can Control our behavior. Almost EVERYTHING is about Mind Set and Attitude - and we DO have Control over our Mind Set and Attitude!! Make sex more "thrilling", "exciting" with Your OWN Husband - Just make up Your mind and Just do it!! Be Strong, Be Real, and Be Honest.
Sexual desire originates in our BRAIN and we really do, we really can Control our behavior. Almost EVERYTHING is about Mind Set and Attitude - and we DO have Control over our Mind Set and Attitude!! Make sex more "thrilling", "exciting" with Your OWN Husband - Just make up Your mind and Just do it!! Be Strong, Be Real, and Be Honest.
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Well, you will definitely continue to struggle with ANY committed relationship UNTIL you DEAL with your past issues which I believe started with this sexual assult. I can understand that your hormones are racing since you have stopped taking contraceptives, however, that is NOT explaining your need to go out and sleep with other men besides your husband. You are using this hormone situation as an excuse to sleep with other men. You're thinking....Well, it is ONLY sex and I don't love the men I am sleeping with, so it really is NOT that bad. Plus, you stated these men are married, so that tells me you are making sure there is very little possibility of any relationship because they are not available for that. You gave your husband a "hall pass" to try to "equalize" things so to speak and think goodness he refused. Sounds like you have a VERY decent husband.
Then, you said that you don't mind if your husband slept with another woman so long as you know about it.......hmmmm.......what? You are allowed to sleep around behind his back, but you have to know if he is sleeping with another woman? Sounds like a "double standard" to me.
Not to be rude, but it isn't "crazy hormones" putting your marriage in jeopardy; it is YOU (your thinking). You are a human being; a being that has a higher level of thinking and that has the capability to analyze and rationalize a situation, NOT 4 legged animal driven SOLELY by primal instincts to mate with a variety of male counterparts.
Hey, if you both (you and hubby) enjoyed this sort of thing, then that would be a different story. Sounds like hubby is a "one-woman" man for sure and you aren't in any OPEN relationship or marriage, but you were trying to turn it into one by giving your husband the hall pass.
If you are really interested in saving your marriage, you need to be seeking PROFESSIONAL help like YESTERDAY to help you sort this out. The combination of how you view sex, the passion/excitement missing from your marriage and you turning to MARRIED men to fulfill this......disastrous. In this case, simple tips over the internet on how to reconnect with your husband on a passionate level just will NOT do; therapy is VERY much in order.