couple questions...

[mrsshelly]

hey everyone! Well, here goes...
Me and my hubby will be married 2 years in november... been together for 4 years at that time. Sex was really good at first (he was my first and only), lately I can feel our passion fading... we only have sex maybe once a week... I have been on and off the pill and I know that has affected my sex drive. Sometimes we will snuggle in bed and watch a movie and all that but thats all we really ever do anymore. I do love snuggling and being close to him, but sometimes I want more, but the truth is, I would rather just lay there and watch the movie. I know he wants more too, but he doesnt take the opportunity to love on me either. I think when it comes down to it, were just too lazy (it doesnt help that we both work opposite shifts from each other).
So, I guess what Im asking is, have any of you had this problem? How can we find different ways to spice up our love life? Im just kinda bored these days...
I hear about couples that have sex all the time and are full of passion... I want to be that couple that sneaks into someones bathroom or crawls into the back of the car, or be out in the mountains and find a secluded spot and just have sex... maybe Im too worried about being caught? Idk...

(we have been to sex shops and bought toys and stuff, but kinda got tired of them, and porn does nothing for us... kinda makes me laugh haha)

Any advice at all?????

[brice1967]

I'd suggest that opposite schedules isn't necessarily a relationship killer.  My wife and I did it for nearly 18 years.  It's a miracle that we even got pregnant both times we did.  After the birth of our children, some of the passion diffused, but that was partly because of me going into a depression.  I lost my grandfather and dad in just a couple of months from each other, and lost both of my role models.... I was devastated!  My wife was super busy with the kids, I was working.... nothing seemed to go together at the same time.

After a long bumpy road, (and I mean the bumpiest of roads) we now have the same schedule.  We spend time together just doing regular things, like shopping or just having a cup of coffee and shooting the breeze.  It is real nice.... and that has allowed our love life to ignite!!!  

Try to be spontaneous is my suggestion.  Maybe you can go meet him after work unexpectedly, and who knows where that would lead, right???  Also, do not be afraid to see a couples therapist.  They can and do work wonders, and its no big deal.  Youre relationship isn't in peril, but address these things now, before they get too stressed out!

[specialmom]

I had this same thing after I had my second child.  He was a horrible sleeper for the first . .  SIXTEEN months (up every 2 hours, no joke.  NO matter what I did!)-------- so I was exhausted.  I ate junk and didn't exercise at all and really just became unhappy with my appearance.  God love my hubby who never said a word or acted like he noticed!  That is when our romantic life was last on my mind as well.  Besides being tired--------- I just didn't feel sexy as you said.  I started working out again and eating better and feeling good about myself and that helped!  That is why I said an exercise routine can help with libido.  

I think you'll be alright.  It is great that you want to have this as a great thing in your relationship------------ you'll be much more likely to achieve it that way.  But remember, that there are highs and lows as everyone has said here.  Ride out the lows and enjoy the highs!  Good luck and happy snuggling!

[mrsshelly]

Thanks everyone!
I am currently on the pill. It always seems to kill my sex drive (guess thats how it keeps me from getting pregnant haha, no sex, no baby). I understand that most people find themselves in a rut on occasion, I guess it just ***** because I remember the days when we were first together and had really great sex... dont get me wrong, its great now, just doesnt happen very often.
I totally agree about people changing. Me and my husband have been together 4 years in november, and married 2 years in november. Ill be the first to admit, we have both gotten a little fatter haha. I think this is alot of my problem. Being overweight is not sexy. Doesnt make me feel sexy. Sometimes I feel ashamed to let him see me in the shower or whatever... he says he could care less but I always feel a little self conscience.
I try not to be stressed out because I know thats a big mood killer.

[teddybears4ever2]

I have been married for almost 5 years.  I will say that every relationship leaves the honeymoon stage. Once that happens you will have to find other ways to spice up your marriage, like sexual clothes, etc.
Good luck with this.

[Ashelen]

Of course there's nothing wrong with you, and almost all of us have been there. My husband and I have been together 8 years, married for 3 1/2 (4 in november) and we have sex every or every other day and have for our entire relationship - except every now and then we go through like a month of a "dry spell" and it seems like I just don't have the energy or the desire and it always upsets him but he tries to give me my space.

Passion ebbs and flows in any relationship and you have to learn to expect that fact and be willing to wait it out, or try to do things to change it. You could try "kinky" things like roleplaying or fantasy sex (doing things you've always dreamed of but never had the guts)...or you could do what's called "scheduling" and make it so that every night for a week, two weeks, a month...you guys meet at a specified time and have sex...but do something a little different every night. a change of pace, a change of location...add music, funky lighting...just make it a little different. sometimes couples find that they have to kick-start their sex drive again and it works for some and not for others. for us it always just went away after a little while.

and whatever you do....don't wish you were one of "those" couples with the wild sex habits. my husband and I had habits like that in the beginning, and honestly - looking back - it's embarrassing. some of the places we had sex because we couldn't keep our hands off each other - not so much fond memories as "wow..yuck..that's embarrassing" lol. sex is intimate, sex is loving. yes it's passionate, but I personally don't feel like it belongs anywhere but in the privacy of the home...so I PERSONALLY wouldn't recommend wishing for that - not only will it make you disappointed, but it really isn't all that great. trust me. lol

I would say...give it time. open a dialogue...give yourselves a break, and try to remember that this will happen - it will happen again, and again...relationships that last a lifetime will go through all sorts of phases...ups, downs, ebbs, flows..you have to be prepared, accept them as a natural part of the relationship, and be willing and determined to see them through.

good luck!

[AHP84]

I'll also have been married for two years in September this year and have been with my husband for four years. The way you describe your sex life schedule sounds a lot like mine, lol--we're also somewhere around the once-a-week schedule. However, we have two kids, I work full time, he works part time and goes to school full time, so between kids, work, school, and balancing home life and upkeep--you gotta wonder where the time and energy is for anything to happen more than once a week, lol.
You mentioned that you both work opposite shifts, so I can see why and how that could be draining on you both, a lot like the exhausting story of my life. You also didn't mention whether or not you're on the pill currently; you said you'd been on and off it in the past and recognized that it did mess with your libido. Have you tried other forms of birth control besides the pill?
My best advice I can offer is a lot like specialmom's: try to work out a schedule between you and your husband if you feel it's that important. It may sound crazy, but I'm not trying to tell you to schedule your sex life, exactly. More like, schedule all the other aspects of your lives in order to make the best opportunities to take advantage of any free time however you wish.
My husband and I are just now getting scheduling figured out, after not taking it seriously for so long--and realizing that we were always exhausted and stressed out and feeling like we were not accomplishing much, if anything, very efficiently. So earlier this week, we sat down together and made a schedule for our family for each day of the week, from hour to hour. We've been using it for a couple of days now, and so far, it's been awesome. House upkeep is staying maintained, our oldest son's homework is getting done within a reasonable time each day, we're swapping nights for who makes dinner, and we are getting time to ourselves each weekday from 9 pm to whenever we want to go to bed. On the weekends, we are scheduling multiple times a day to spend together as a family in between house chores, homework, and errands.
Honestly, in two days, I feel like we have a little more energy and stability. I'm hoping by next week, things start to level out enough to where we don't feel so exhausted all the time, as well as having more time scheduled for just us because everything else is in order. Sooooo... ☺
Anyway, I also wanted to say that Omusicgame had a good point too. Sometimes just snuggling up and watching a movie together is great. If you both feel satisfied and secure in your marriage, then there's no harm in that, because as he mentioned, sex shouldn't be forced. Oftentimes, I am more than happy to just have that extra time with my husband to snuggle up and let that be that. In fact, I appreciate that I don't ever feel pressured that sex is something that must be done just because you have the time and opprotunity to do it.

[specialmom]

Oh, being attracted is something I think you typically should be before you marry omusicgame.  I think your relationship has had issues that you've posted about and that is one of the reasons you are less attracted.  When you are in a long term relationship------  we go through physical changes.  If it is just the surface stuff that makes us feel attracted, then most are in big trouble.  We age, we gain and lose weight, etc. and that is part of life.  My husband is still attractive to me even though he clearly likes me cooking after 11 years of marriage!  Contrary to what you think, the most successful relationships are those where the inside is really appreciated verses mostly the outside.  

This isn't your post omusicgame but I hope you sought some counseling with your wife.  

Anyway, it is important for couples to work these issues out.  We all long for a relationship that is physical with our spouse as that is what sets it apart from a friendship.  I believe we have to make an effort sometimes when we are in a rut to bring ourselves out of it or we just stay in that same place.

[Omusicgame]

Well, first of all, dont believe the hype bout those couples who have all that passion.  Dont!!  Ive had trouble too with my wife.  We sometimes have passionate sex and sometimes its just not good.  Seriously, i know what youre saying, but its hard for me too, when my wife doesnt attract me as much as I think she should.  Is that how it is for you guys?  Does he attract you?  IDK, just wondering.  But yeah, im one of those guys who went after a girl with a great heart.  Why didnt i go for looks?  lol.  But i know what youre saying bout just wanting to watch a movie and stuff.  Hey, thats the best thing sometimes.  Maybe you just dont need to do it, when you feel that good watching a movie.  Dont force sex, thats what i realized.  But im in the same boat with you.

[specialmom]

Hm.  Well, yes.  I've been there.  My boys were born really close together in age and for a period of time they really took all of my energy.  I became disconnected in that way with my husband.  Honestly, the sexiest thing he could do for me was to let me sleep!  

But as I want that to be a healthy part of our relationship as you do, I was glad that the libido came back.  First, I'd think about what you can change up in your life unrelated to this to make you more energized and less stressed.  I swear, starting a new exercise routine can do that for me.  It makes me feel really good about myself and attractive and that leads to me being more "in the mood".  Could you add anything like that to your life?  And then get rid of the things that are baggage and stress you out.  I had been doing a lady's group that I enjoyed but it had become a bit of a pain for me.  I have lots of groups and situations for mingling so letting that one group go was really good for my stress level.  One less thing to worry about (what to wear, what to bring, get a babysitter or is hubby in town, etc.).  So, is there anything that is stressing you that you can eliminate or make lesser of a thing in your life?

Then, you are so right.  We get into a rut.  I think if you put into your head that connecting in this physical way is important and something you want to do and just start doing it------  it helps.  A schedule??  I know.  Doesn't sound sexy--------- but I'm a planner.  And if I have that penciled into the back of my mind as something I'm going to do on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday----------  I'll be more likely to make it happen.  

You can always try to spice it up as you say.  Okay----------- don't laugh.  When we were trying for our first child and boy oh boy did that take forever----------  we did this funny thing that is a night that we still laugh about.  We went to this whole in the wall bar where really you only see little old men there.  The same little old men as it is their hang out.  I went first---------  dressed to attract attention.  Then my husband arrived and sat at the bar.  Ha.  I picked him up!  He pretended to play hard to get so I had to really throw myself at him.  Those little old men were listening and staring and I took my man home with me!  Talk about spice.  

Should I be embarressed I just shared that story.  Oh well.  My point is to think out of the box.  You don't need gadgets and things like that, just an imagination.  good luck!