Aa
sister in law moving in!!!
SO I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR OVER 10 YEARS WITH MY WIFE AND HAVE A VERY GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER. WE MOVED TO ATL RIGHT AFTER WE GOTTEN MARRIED . BECAUSE OF IT BEING RUFF IN CT , NO JOBS AND HAVING KIDS MY SISTER IN LAW DECIDED TO MOVE TO ATL FOR A CHANGE AND FOR A NEW START. MY WIFE SPOKE TO ME ABOUT IT AND SAID IT WAS OK FOR HER TO STAY ALONG WITH HER TWO KIDS AT MY HOUSE UNTIL SHE COULD GET HERSELF ON TRACK. THAT WENT OK UNTIL MY WIFE AND HER SISTER STARTED TO GET INTO IT. HER SISTER FEELS LIKE WE OWNED HER SOMETHING AND ALMOST STARTED ACTING LIKE SHE WAS THE WOMAN OF THE HOUSE, WHILE IN FACT WE WERE DOING HER A FAVOR. SHE WASN'T PROVIDING ANY KIND OF FINANCING HELP , ALTHOUGH SHE WOULD DO LAUNDRY EVERYDAY , HAVE THE LIGHT ON ALL NIGHT AND HER KIDS EATING ALL MY FOOD . I FELT LIKE I WAS TAKING CARE OF ANOTHER FAMILY WITHIN MY FAMILY..TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT IT GOT TO A POINT WHERE MY WIFE COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE , THERE WERE ARGUMENTS , THE COP WERE CALLED AND MY SISTER IN LAW FINALLY GOT AN APARTMENT .
SO NOW ALMOST A YEARS AND A HALF LATER, SHE IS IN A SITUATION WHERE SHE IS NOW PREGNANT AND HAVING A BABY IN 1 WEEKS , ABOUT TO BE EVICTED FROM HER APARTMENT , HER BABY FATHER WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING. SHE IS NOW BUGGING MY WIFE TO COME AND STAY WITH US AGAIN... SHE HAVE ALREADY STATED SHE DON'T LIKE ME . I HEARD HER ON THE PHONE MAKING MY WIFE FEEL GUILTY SAYING OHH IF SHE MY WIFE NEEDED HELP SHE WOULD HELP HER AND SHE HAS A BIG EMPTY HOUSE AND SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HELP. MY THINGS IS THAT WE TRIED HELPING BEFORE. I FEEL LIKE SHE CAME HERE AND SHE DIDNT FOCUS ON BETTERING HERSELF BUT WENT AND HAVE ANOTHER BABY WHEN SHE COULD'T EVEN TAKE CARE OF THE TWO SHE HAD. NOW WHY IS IT MY WIFE AND MYSELF PROBLEM , SHOULD WE FEEL GUILTY AT ALL . I FEEL LIKE MY WIFE IS AND NOW IS PRESSURING ME TO ALLOW IT. I NEED SOME ADVISE . I DONT THINK I COULD DEAL WITH HER 2 KIDS RUNNING UP AND DOWN MY HOUSE THEY ARE 6 AND 7 PLUS HAVING A BABY CRYING ALL NIGHT ,PLUST DEALING WITH HER ATTITUDE .. I DIDN' T SIGN UP FOR THAT. I TOLD MY WIFE NO NO NO!!!!!!I NEED SOME HELP , NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO . I KNOW IT'S MY WIFE SISTER BUT SHE IS GOING TO COME HERE FOR PROBABLY A YEAR AND LIVE ON MY ACCOUNT ..I DONT THINKS IT FAIR TO ME AND MY FAMILY.... PLEASE HELP...
SO NOW ALMOST A YEARS AND A HALF LATER, SHE IS IN A SITUATION WHERE SHE IS NOW PREGNANT AND HAVING A BABY IN 1 WEEKS , ABOUT TO BE EVICTED FROM HER APARTMENT , HER BABY FATHER WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING. SHE IS NOW BUGGING MY WIFE TO COME AND STAY WITH US AGAIN... SHE HAVE ALREADY STATED SHE DON'T LIKE ME . I HEARD HER ON THE PHONE MAKING MY WIFE FEEL GUILTY SAYING OHH IF SHE MY WIFE NEEDED HELP SHE WOULD HELP HER AND SHE HAS A BIG EMPTY HOUSE AND SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HELP. MY THINGS IS THAT WE TRIED HELPING BEFORE. I FEEL LIKE SHE CAME HERE AND SHE DIDNT FOCUS ON BETTERING HERSELF BUT WENT AND HAVE ANOTHER BABY WHEN SHE COULD'T EVEN TAKE CARE OF THE TWO SHE HAD. NOW WHY IS IT MY WIFE AND MYSELF PROBLEM , SHOULD WE FEEL GUILTY AT ALL . I FEEL LIKE MY WIFE IS AND NOW IS PRESSURING ME TO ALLOW IT. I NEED SOME ADVISE . I DONT THINK I COULD DEAL WITH HER 2 KIDS RUNNING UP AND DOWN MY HOUSE THEY ARE 6 AND 7 PLUS HAVING A BABY CRYING ALL NIGHT ,PLUST DEALING WITH HER ATTITUDE .. I DIDN' T SIGN UP FOR THAT. I TOLD MY WIFE NO NO NO!!!!!!I NEED SOME HELP , NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO . I KNOW IT'S MY WIFE SISTER BUT SHE IS GOING TO COME HERE FOR PROBABLY A YEAR AND LIVE ON MY ACCOUNT ..I DONT THINKS IT FAIR TO ME AND MY FAMILY.... PLEASE HELP...
So here is an update. After my sister in law came from the hospital she had to move out from her apartment and we helped get into a shelter. it was very nice and clean place. Anyway, she was complaining about certain things which I thought wasn't a big deal.Seems to me like she had a problem abiding by their rules. She was eventually kicked out of the Shelter and Myself and my wife was force to take herself and her 3 kids in. I hate it because she isn't contributing anything and she really don't have the best attitude. I get the feeling she feels we owe her , not appreciative at all. I sat her down and explain that this was not going to be a long stay and it's only because of her sister I'm doing it. I ask her what was going to be her contribution seeing that she does do couple hour CNA. She told me she couldn't do anything now cause she is in a hold now. She don't want to contribute anything . Yesterday she ask my wife if she could do the cleaning for us instead of the house keeper. I am saying to myself B***** you living here for free and eating all my food not giving **** . you should want to clean the entire house for free all day everyday to earn you keep. she has the Audacity to ask my wife to pay her .. I got so mad today i am going to tell her I am giving her one more month here that it, and get the F** out . Im pissed sorry for the swearing but that exactly how I feel right now..
Oh, no doubt the sister seems to be VERY irresponsible. It's sad! You won't get an argument out of me on that.
The crux of the problem lies in the fact that you resent your SIL for putting your wife through so much turmoil, and essentially disrupting your lives as a result. I'd be irritated by that too, considering she put herself in these situations, that almost ALL of these issues were avoidable. Also, it always seems like those kinds of people...the kind of people who rely on everyone but themselves to survive, are always the least grateful and appreciative. That's so maddening.
It's clear that your wife feels obligated to take care of her in some way.....and it sounds like with the talks you guys have had...that she GETS that there needs to be boundaries with the kind of "help" she offers (like no moving in), so that's good.
I would just express to your wife kind of what you told us here...that you feel protective of her, because she's put in these tough situations as a result of her sister's lack of responsibility and accountability....that you DO support her and understand that it's important to her to do what she can to help her. You just worry that her sister will continue to take advantage and never really learn (or try) to support herself and her children, and when does it end? If that's the case, at some point, it would probably benefit your wife to come to an ending point...a "no more", where she recognizes that her continued "help" really only equates to enabling.
This situation was extra hard, because the sister really DID encounter some pretty big problems and concerns. After she recovers and is d/c'ed from the hospital, HOPEFULLY your wife will start to realize that there's only so much she can do to help someone who refuses to help herself.
Do you think your wife would be open to the idea of talking to a counselor? I think it may be beneficial, for her to work through how she's feeling (probably very "stuck in the middle"), as well as to explore the whole situation. One plus would be that a therapist would probably gently work with her to start setting more boundaries, and may get her to realize that her "help" is really not what her sister needs. If anything, it sounds like the sister needs some tough love and for people to stop bailing her out. Your wife has got to find a way to accept that on her own though...it's not going to happen coming from you, because her sister is a HUGE point of contention between you two at this point...so any kind of advice you try to give her is going to be met with confusion, with your wife probably wondering how much is genuine concern, and how much is coming from resentment and animosity.
I'm glad you've been open to our suggestions. Not always easy to hear this stuff. I would feel exactly like you feel in this situation. I couldn't imagine actually...it WOULD be extremely frustrating. Keep us updated on what's going on if you could!
The crux of the problem lies in the fact that you resent your SIL for putting your wife through so much turmoil, and essentially disrupting your lives as a result. I'd be irritated by that too, considering she put herself in these situations, that almost ALL of these issues were avoidable. Also, it always seems like those kinds of people...the kind of people who rely on everyone but themselves to survive, are always the least grateful and appreciative. That's so maddening.
It's clear that your wife feels obligated to take care of her in some way.....and it sounds like with the talks you guys have had...that she GETS that there needs to be boundaries with the kind of "help" she offers (like no moving in), so that's good.
I would just express to your wife kind of what you told us here...that you feel protective of her, because she's put in these tough situations as a result of her sister's lack of responsibility and accountability....that you DO support her and understand that it's important to her to do what she can to help her. You just worry that her sister will continue to take advantage and never really learn (or try) to support herself and her children, and when does it end? If that's the case, at some point, it would probably benefit your wife to come to an ending point...a "no more", where she recognizes that her continued "help" really only equates to enabling.
This situation was extra hard, because the sister really DID encounter some pretty big problems and concerns. After she recovers and is d/c'ed from the hospital, HOPEFULLY your wife will start to realize that there's only so much she can do to help someone who refuses to help herself.
Do you think your wife would be open to the idea of talking to a counselor? I think it may be beneficial, for her to work through how she's feeling (probably very "stuck in the middle"), as well as to explore the whole situation. One plus would be that a therapist would probably gently work with her to start setting more boundaries, and may get her to realize that her "help" is really not what her sister needs. If anything, it sounds like the sister needs some tough love and for people to stop bailing her out. Your wife has got to find a way to accept that on her own though...it's not going to happen coming from you, because her sister is a HUGE point of contention between you two at this point...so any kind of advice you try to give her is going to be met with confusion, with your wife probably wondering how much is genuine concern, and how much is coming from resentment and animosity.
I'm glad you've been open to our suggestions. Not always easy to hear this stuff. I would feel exactly like you feel in this situation. I couldn't imagine actually...it WOULD be extremely frustrating. Keep us updated on what's going on if you could!
Thanks, and I hope you guys don't think i am insensitive about her sister being sick. I am very concerned about that and wish her a quick recovery.I pray that God will give me the strength .. I really don't want my wife hating me for this , it's just that I think had her sister done what she was suppose to do this wouldn't have happened..It seems like her sister is always going to be a burden. now she is asking for us to store more stuff in our garage after my wife is paying for storage for her, plus she still has things from when she first moved in there.. I guess now is just these things thats bordering me and knowing the way her sister is . she is very demanding and almost expect us to do things for her because we are family.. If she had a different attitude i would offer more help but because of the way she is I choose not to ...But I will support my wife in helping her because its her sister... Thanks
I agree with SM.
Your wife has spelled it all out, quite eloquently I might add.
If her sister is hospitalized with pulmonary emboli (blood clots in the lungs) and pneumonia, those are indeed VERY serious conditions.
She's asking you (begging really) to have some compassion, and try to understand, regardless of your own feelings, how this is very hard for her.
The sister in law didn't come live with you, which we all pretty much agreed with you that you should hold your ground. So, that's good.....but I don't agree with further adding insult to injury, and nit picking about her time, attention and focus being elsewhere right now. It SHOULD be. I think you're being a little selfish expecting your wife to NOT give her sister's situation the time and attention she is.
For your wife's sake, put your feelings for your SIL aside and show that you're supporting her, as she tries to help her sister. She needs you to be by her side, supporting her, not putting extra demands and extra stress on her. That's really not fair. If you don't, I'm afraid your wife is going to carry around some pretty major feelings of resentment toward you that you made a very hard situation even more difficult, and that she didn't feel supported when she was trying to help her sister through some scary and unfortunate situations.
I hope things normalize soon for all involved. And, I hope you REALLY take our words to heart. Winning some battles just isn't as important as surrendering, for the right reasons. The right reason would be for your wife.
Your wife has spelled it all out, quite eloquently I might add.
If her sister is hospitalized with pulmonary emboli (blood clots in the lungs) and pneumonia, those are indeed VERY serious conditions.
She's asking you (begging really) to have some compassion, and try to understand, regardless of your own feelings, how this is very hard for her.
The sister in law didn't come live with you, which we all pretty much agreed with you that you should hold your ground. So, that's good.....but I don't agree with further adding insult to injury, and nit picking about her time, attention and focus being elsewhere right now. It SHOULD be. I think you're being a little selfish expecting your wife to NOT give her sister's situation the time and attention she is.
For your wife's sake, put your feelings for your SIL aside and show that you're supporting her, as she tries to help her sister. She needs you to be by her side, supporting her, not putting extra demands and extra stress on her. That's really not fair. If you don't, I'm afraid your wife is going to carry around some pretty major feelings of resentment toward you that you made a very hard situation even more difficult, and that she didn't feel supported when she was trying to help her sister through some scary and unfortunate situations.
I hope things normalize soon for all involved. And, I hope you REALLY take our words to heart. Winning some battles just isn't as important as surrendering, for the right reasons. The right reason would be for your wife.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think you need to cut your wife some slack. She's really doing the right thing in my opinion.
I think she wrote you a beautiful and heartfelt letter. I am a wife, mother, sister and aunt. I take all jobs very seriously. And at times, one area will demand more attention than the other and when that happens, I expect my loved ones to be supportive as I work in that area instead of resentful. That is my expectation.
Your wife's sister is at a crisis point. She's in a shelter with a baby. IN A SHELTER. I never mentioned this possibility as mine was to either have her mother or family come and stay with her or to bring her back to where they live or for you to cough up the dough while she gets established in government assistance programs to then take over the bills. She's in a shelter after a health issue with a baby. I can't imagine doing that to my sister. I get that she is not a responsible person and bothers you greatly. And I understood why you don't want her in your home . . . and she is not. But then even that isn't good enough and now you don't want your wife to worry and try to be there for her sister.
Back up and see this from her point of view. Do not give her a hard time for caring about and for her sister/nieces/nephews. I would have a hard time forgiving my husband for that to be honest.
That's my opinion. She's not in your home but don't be so cold that you then want your wife to not care as you don't care. To feel the same way about her sister that you do. Not fair. good luck
I think she wrote you a beautiful and heartfelt letter. I am a wife, mother, sister and aunt. I take all jobs very seriously. And at times, one area will demand more attention than the other and when that happens, I expect my loved ones to be supportive as I work in that area instead of resentful. That is my expectation.
Your wife's sister is at a crisis point. She's in a shelter with a baby. IN A SHELTER. I never mentioned this possibility as mine was to either have her mother or family come and stay with her or to bring her back to where they live or for you to cough up the dough while she gets established in government assistance programs to then take over the bills. She's in a shelter after a health issue with a baby. I can't imagine doing that to my sister. I get that she is not a responsible person and bothers you greatly. And I understood why you don't want her in your home . . . and she is not. But then even that isn't good enough and now you don't want your wife to worry and try to be there for her sister.
Back up and see this from her point of view. Do not give her a hard time for caring about and for her sister/nieces/nephews. I would have a hard time forgiving my husband for that to be honest.
That's my opinion. She's not in your home but don't be so cold that you then want your wife to not care as you don't care. To feel the same way about her sister that you do. Not fair. good luck
So like I said my wife have been consumed by her sisters situation , always doing this and doing that really almost forgetting her duties at home. so I wrote to her and this is what she wrote back... what do you guys think...
I'm sorry T..You're right, I'm so worried and extremely focused on my sister and her health. Forgive me please I was under the impression you understood what was going on. . it's not about shawn (the baby father) right now. he actually told my sister, "i can't sit home and take care no baby, you need to hurry and get your *** out the hospital" - that cuts like a knife and hurts - he is f**** psychotic Tony - im dealing with a lot and yes, im very worried for my sister's health right now - i didn't think she would wind up in the hospital. this is no joke. im sorry im not giving you full attention right now, but this is my family too and i just can't ignore the urgent needs of those who might need my help right now. ive been praying and i hope you're doing the same thing - do you know what it's like to have a blood clot in your lungs? well she has several and now she is being treated for pneumonia - two deadly diagnoses that can kill you - plus she is a diabetic. times like this, i need you to be strong, strong minded and strong willed and understand im not purposely neglecting you, but rather have a tense situation going on that needs attention more so than the affections i give to you on a normal basis. it's temporary..but when your dad was sick you see how your family gravitated to his bedside, prayed for him, visited him and he got better - well i don't have that much family - it's just me, my mom, sometimes jane, sometimes shawn (who really ISN'T family) so I have to double over in my efforts to be there emotionally and physically because we are lacking overall. PLEASE understand this Tony- I want you and love you but this is no joke right now. -my sister is very ill and yes I'm literally consumed with thoughts of her dying and who will watch kids, who will bury her, what money, no insurance - thoughts, constant thoughts and mainly PRAYERS...and i ask that you do the same Tony. there are so many ways you can be a good husband - i want you to be by my side even if you feel someone wronged you - God will bless you more when you DON'T hold grudges, or keep account of injury, but rather ask how you can be of help - especially since none of us are promised tomorrow - be the man I married, my life partner and my friend and get involved and try to be there for me and my family at this time - even if it means compromising - God will bless you in the end
my love always,
I'm sorry T..You're right, I'm so worried and extremely focused on my sister and her health. Forgive me please I was under the impression you understood what was going on. . it's not about shawn (the baby father) right now. he actually told my sister, "i can't sit home and take care no baby, you need to hurry and get your *** out the hospital" - that cuts like a knife and hurts - he is f**** psychotic Tony - im dealing with a lot and yes, im very worried for my sister's health right now - i didn't think she would wind up in the hospital. this is no joke. im sorry im not giving you full attention right now, but this is my family too and i just can't ignore the urgent needs of those who might need my help right now. ive been praying and i hope you're doing the same thing - do you know what it's like to have a blood clot in your lungs? well she has several and now she is being treated for pneumonia - two deadly diagnoses that can kill you - plus she is a diabetic. times like this, i need you to be strong, strong minded and strong willed and understand im not purposely neglecting you, but rather have a tense situation going on that needs attention more so than the affections i give to you on a normal basis. it's temporary..but when your dad was sick you see how your family gravitated to his bedside, prayed for him, visited him and he got better - well i don't have that much family - it's just me, my mom, sometimes jane, sometimes shawn (who really ISN'T family) so I have to double over in my efforts to be there emotionally and physically because we are lacking overall. PLEASE understand this Tony- I want you and love you but this is no joke right now. -my sister is very ill and yes I'm literally consumed with thoughts of her dying and who will watch kids, who will bury her, what money, no insurance - thoughts, constant thoughts and mainly PRAYERS...and i ask that you do the same Tony. there are so many ways you can be a good husband - i want you to be by my side even if you feel someone wronged you - God will bless you more when you DON'T hold grudges, or keep account of injury, but rather ask how you can be of help - especially since none of us are promised tomorrow - be the man I married, my life partner and my friend and get involved and try to be there for me and my family at this time - even if it means compromising - God will bless you in the end
my love always,
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