specialmom, thx so much for your input - we really needed to hear a wife’s perspective on this issue. I think having another woman who’s been thru it add her perspective will be of great help not only to siciliandragon but many other readers who find themselves in similar circumstances. I think your advice is very sound & glad to hear you got your mojo back!
So, here is a woman's perspective. :>) I had two kids very close in age (a year apart). When they were born, things dramatically changed for me. I found myself constantly feeling 'responsible'. This made it really hard to ever feel 'sexy'. My husband paid the price, I suppose. My libido was super low and I pretty much had no interest. The best gift my husband could give me was vacuuming the house and watching the kids! I kid you not.
Here is my suggestion that I think would have helped. So, spend some quality time the two of you. This can happen say on an evening after the kids go to bed that is purposely not going to go too late. Think of what she enjoys. I like movies. If my husband got a movie cued up, lit some candles, gave me a glass of wine or a bottled water (really more my taste) and just sat with me watching the movie holding my hand . . . wow. I'd feel very close to him. And the more he made intimacy about emotional intimacy, the more I'd want to be physically intimate with him. If he gave me a back rub without expecting sex, the more I'd want to have sex with him. The more he understood that I had kids pulling on me all day, cleaning that never ended, work, etc. the more I'd want to open up to him. It's hard to explain that dynamic of what is like to be thrust into motherhood where your life doesn't feel like your own. I felt frumpy. Like I never looked or felt good (or at least how I used to). It's kind of a hard time on a mom! And with pregnancy and then nursing kids, it's a lot of hormonal fluctuations over a few years time. The actual libido for me was lower.
Also, once a month, get a sitter. Not for the two of you to go out but one for her to just go do what she wants for a while. (or watch the kids on the weekend for a few hours yourself letting her go off to do whatever she wants). And then a second sitter once a month for the date. A nice date just the two of you that is not meant to work out problems, talk through issues, etc. A date to just relax and enjoy each other. We had a rule when we went on our dates that we couldn't discuss the stressful topics during it. Cause then it defeated the purpose of being relaxed time as a couple. We had time at home that we set aside to talk about the necessary business of being married (the less fun stuff like finances, dealing with family, dealing with chores, dealing with sex life, etc.)
Then all of a sudden, when my kids were 4 and 5, it went back to normal. I felt like 'me' again. I could look at my husband and have desire on a regular level. (and not that I didn't desire him . . . I was just frankly in a different headspace then). Keeping close to her emotionally during that time allows you to totally reconnect when she gets back to her self internally.
This is not to say that your needs should never be met. They need to be. You can ask for that. But with the adequate empathy with what she goes through too. :>))
I definitely think as one neglects sexuality, libido can decline to near zero. I do believe that engaging in any kind of activity - solo or with a partner - can sort of jump start things. Prbly need to discuss why she has a negative attitude about self-pleasure - if her attitude stems from religious belief, she should know that for the record, even the Bible does not condemn it! The story of Oman has nothing to do with masturbation, he disobeyed the requirement to give his brother’s widow a child. Masturbation itself is not really even mentioned. Hopefully she can change her negative attitude about it. Dr’s, Psychologists, counselors, etc. all now consider it 100% normal, healthy & beneficial. You’re on the right track - let us know if things improve (or don’t).. .
Sorry to hear about your situation. This can’t be easy for either of you. I think it's not unusual for new mothers to have a decrease in libido - it’s as if they feel their role has changed from lover to mother & they don’t feel very sexy or sexual. For many women, pregnancy itself can be a damper to sex. Obviously, this isn’t the case for all women, but I think it may be fairly common...
As for you, it could be a case that a) you’re just a normal guy with the usual sexual urges and b) the fact that you can’t have sex with your wife is causing you to crave it even more. We all know the strong appeal of smthg we can’t have!
I think you & your wife need to talk this out, very openly, with love & understanding. Stay away from saying things like ‘You always...’ or ‘You never...’, instead, say things like ‘This makes me feel unloved, unwanted, etc.’. That way you’re not accusing or pointing fingers, instead try to make it an issue that you can work on together- as in ‘What can we do together to fix this?’ Or ‘What do you need from ME that would help the situation?’. Hopefully your wife will at least be understanding that you do have needs & would be OK with the fact you’ll probably need to masturbate until things pick up. Would she be open to at least pleasuring you in some way even if she’s not up for intercourse? That would at least keep some closeness & affection in the picture & may have to be your solution until she’s back in the swing of things.
I wish you the best & hope this doesn’t become an issue that threatens the strength of your marriage...