Fear of loved ones dying

[Lily21]

Hi all,
I'm new here but i thought id give this a try and see if anyone has any suggestions. I am 26 years old and as long as i can remember i have always STRESSED out about my familys well being. I know i can't control what happens but i see that now as i am getting older i stress about my family and loved ones dying on a daily basis. I know it might sound weird but you have no idea how bad this can get unless you go through what i go through everyday. It's getting to a point that i have panic attacks here n there. I am extremely close to my mother, father and sister and just the thought of them not being here scares me. I know this is a serious problem becuase i can't let go of it and i have tried over the years but the thought runs through my mind constantly. I was on anti depressants for a few months a couple years ago but decided to stop taking them. Does anyone have any suggestions? I want to enjoy the days i have with them right now and i dont want to waste time thinking of things that may or may not happen soon but i just can't stop on my own.

[kbristow01]

I can't really help, i'm 18 and going through a similar thing at the moment, it hasn't been going on for too long only about 2-3 weeks but every night when im trying to sleep or when I wake up i'm worrying about what may happen and how fast the time is going to go with my mother as I am incredibly close to her and so worried about her being gone as I think i'd probably end up having a nervous breakdown

I spoke to my mother about it last night and she did a good job of reassuring me and managing to get me a bit happier but today I am depressed about it all again and like you I just want to make the most of the time we have together but I can't help feeling as though i'm ruining it or not enjoying it fully because of the thoughts in the back of my mind

I know this probably will not help you but if you wanted to talk to someone going through something similar please feel free to email me on kayleigh.***@**** as perhaps we would both benefit from talking to someone who is going through something similar, if you do not wish too then I really do hope you manage to stop worrying yourself

[Penpen2]

I go through the same thing all the time. Actually as I'm typing this I'm thinking about it and crying. I told my mum and dad about my thoughts. It helped a bit and made me realise i should just have as much fun with them as possible. This may not help but just know you"re not the only one with theses thoughts. :)

[Chunkybutt]

I have the same problem. I believe it's because I am clinically bi polar, but a lot of the time it keeps me from enjoying my day... and I just want to cry. And the worst thing about it is that there's nothing you can do to keep them forever. Death is inevitable... I know that, but it's hard to imagine my life without certain people which I worry about dying almost daily. I try to stay positive though. I wish I could be more of help, I feel the best way to cope with it is to talk about it with a therapist or someone you feel comfortable with doing so, or write it out. I know it's unhealthy to keep this kind of stuff bottled up.
Best of luck!

[helz93]

I'm only 16 and I have these thoughts. There usualy when a family member goes out in the car. There are only 4 of us in our whole family. Me mum dad and brother. I have no grandparents or other close relitives so I have felt loss. I feel as though someone is goin to be taken every couple of years and I will be left alone. When I am with my family I don't worry about them being harmed, it is only when I can't see or hear them that I begin to worry

[helz93]

I'm only 16 and I have these thoughts. There usualy when a family member goes out in the car. There are only 4 of us in our whole family. Me mum dad and brother. I have no grandparents or other close relitives so I have felt loss. I feel as though someone is goin to be taken every couple of years and I will be left alone. When I am with my family I don't worry about them being harmed, it is only when I can't see or hear them that I begin to worry

[Vivi11]

Yes of all the biggest fears losing ones we love has to be the biggest out there. I know most all of my friends have either lost one or both of their parents and I just cant myself imagine what that day can even be like and I dont even know how I will deal with the greif but yes it is going to happen. All that gives me hope is Christ and the words in the Bible..but I know the grief will be too much to bear. I understand what you are thinking and the dread though.

[milo4588]

this happens to me as well. i am engaged and when my fiance doesnt text me back or answer a phone call it will cross my mind that he might have been in a car accident. and no matter how hard i try to focus on something else i will find myself waiting by the phone thinking someone from a hospital will call to tell me he is dead. its terribly crippling and he thinks i am just worrying to much but it feels to me like something deeper. does anyone know if this has a clinical name? i was also diagnosed as bipolar once, but noone believes that i am (including myself) i dont show signs of it.

[marioooma]

finally i found someone like me ...am really stressed bcuz of that issue ... i cry to sleep everynight and i even dream about it , and whenever any of my loved ones accidently talking about death it gets even worse for me ...please if anyone got help in that issue before tell me , i am in desperate need for help !!!

[marioooma]

i guess it's called necrophobia

[tkroro]

Would any of you view yourselves as Visual thinkers? I am a visual thinker and sometimes imagine the worst. I noticed that when I'm mentally occupied the thoughts of losing loved ones does not cross my mind. When I say mentally occupied, I'm talking, watching a movie, problem solving, reading...I'm 35 years old and remember having thoughts of losing loved ones at the age of 6. I would wake up crying at the thought of my Mom or Dad dying. I have gone through bouts of depression and would consider myself a very emotional person. Now when these thoughts do cross my mind I immediately try to focus on something else.

[arianna420]

My issue is kind of similar but way different.  I don't have a phobia of this... just a basic understanding and numbness of feelings.  I lost my sister when I was 16, we shared a room together up until the day she died, and when she died, then went her god daughter who was named after her only 2 months old, then my uncle, then my cousin, then 2 of my friends then my grandmother... and the list goes on... it seems that people just started to drop dead after her... I've become used to it.  I'm not afraid my loved ones will die... I expect them to.  

I've distanced myself from everyone I love it seems.  Some of my family members and friends are not to happy that I moved to Japan, and now I find it hard to let myself get truly close to anyone here as well.  Everyone knows everything about me because I don't feel secrets are necessary.  I don't care what anyone thinks.  I have a friend of mine, she is my roommate.  I love her, maybe more than a friend, but I didn't even think about her death until she asked me "if I died, what would you do?"

I don't know...

I suppose I would just live on...

What else can I do?

[Horse7]

I am... rather WAS scared of loved ones dying, too. I'm 13 and it was TERRIBLE. Sometimes I just felt like crying, or running and hiding. I felt dizzy just thinking of it, and the thought haunted me throughout the days.

I am very close to my mother and father... and the thought of them one day being gone was AWFUL. They didn't have me old, nor especially young, and I'd worry. Will they see me get married? Will they meet my children? I thought the world would be all gray and sad when they were gone. I thought I'd never be able to live life without them. At times I would think, how old will they be when I am __ years old. On other occasions I felt things would be best if I passed before them. Being an only child could only make things harder, and I had no religion to turn to.

Instead I turned to my parents. And they gave me the greatest advice I could have asked for. First of all, the reassured me that they were not going away anytime soon. They told me that they were healthy people; they don't smoke, they eat well, and are fairly cautious folks. Secondly, (having lost their parents) they told me that it felt strangely like they were still there. My mother, who is not a religious person, nor phony told me that she (whom had been very close to her dad) felt like he was still with her... she said she felt sometimes that I was him (having died before I was born). When my mother was a child she had the same fears, and after her dad died, yes, it was the hardest thing she had ever endured, but not nearly as hard as she had expected. She felt his presence everywhere. She felt as if he were with her at all times.

My dad told me something similar. He said that when his grandpa died (whom he was very close to), his grandpa visited him in his dreams and he, too felt his presence everywhere.

He also told me a fascinating story. When he was in his 20's his aunt was dying. He and the whole family visited her. It was very hard for everyone... but something lessened the pain. It was none other that a child-- a 4 year old child. She was (I believe) my father's Aunt's great niece. It felt, not like his Aunt's departure; instead it felt like the passing of a baton.

Your loved ones love you, too. Therefor, regardless of religion, I feel they will be with you forever. Don't worry.

I told them next of my fear of being an only child. "Don't worry!" My Mother said, "After all, I am not blood related to your father, but we are most certainly family!" My mom also told me of her step father, and how close she was to him. He was just like a father to her-- 100%, and they weren't at all related through blood.

So, thinking this, I was all very content... but even more soothed my fears.

Many people have reported entering heaven, where their loved ones were. Many more have claimed they were reincarnated. My mother, myself, says that after her father died she was watching the stars, and he was there. I know people who say their loved ones appeared in the room as they died. Nobody knows whether or not these claims have any substance. But I feel they do. I feel there has to be more. I feel that death is just a small stepping stone in the circle of life.

Good luck, hope I helped. Don't worry.

[cesar_92]

I'm 18. And I have the same issue too. When I'm just sitting by myself or trying to fall asleep at night, I imagine my brothers, mom and dads faces smiling. Thinking what would happen if I wouldn't be able to see those faces again. Sometimes I even imagine them being dead already on their death bed. It makes me sad and I cry whenever nobody is at home or whenever it crosses my mind. It hurts and my chest begins to tighten. I seriously need help because to me, suicide sometimes seems to be an option.. I'm not trying to be negative, but this is how much this thought gets to me. Ill rather die first then have them die before me..

[rhea310]

I hope you will see my reply. I really hope. though its been 4yrs u have wrote. I am 19 now. I've been looking for some people having the problem similar to me. After a lot of difficulty i got hold of this site. I cant live in peace. i dunno if it is called anticipatory grief..the fear of loved ones dying,leaving or going away. but it is destroying my moments. my mind.. whatever i am trying to do where ever i am this fear is always there in the back of my mind.., it includes my mom my pet my dad my granny my best friend and each and everyone dear to me.. and i just cant overcome the fear. not only the fear. but there are other problems also. i have the weirdest dreams on earth. i cant sleep. sometimes i talk in my sleep and even start crying. i cannot take loud sounds. at times i run away from the place when my mother is screaming. i know i shoudn't react that way, or i have overeacted. but i cant help. there's a fear overtaking all the time. and it pisses me to death. i dont want to but i cant stop thinking about it. and i cannot explain it to any of my family member also.. since they wont take it seriously as my friend did when i told him about it.. or they wont understand. this cant be understood by anyone who is not a victim of same. some time I feel aimless, worthless. and everything around me wont have any meaning if my beloved ones are not there. i have read many suggetions but nothing worked nothing could give me satisfaction. and i can understand this is causing real harm to me. i go to depression and shout in the air and get jealous of other people that how can they be so happy! aren't they worried! i'm afraid that this may lead to a serious problem in future. as i am only 19 now i have a fast life and plans to make and dreams to fulfill. but this drags me away from my practical life. my mother gets angry people get fed up with me for the careless and abnormal behaviour of mine. i dont respond them properly, i dont care about the small requirements and others expectations in daily life. its not that i dont. but i cant.. my mind gets all haphazard by these *****.. i couldn't even write properly now. as the thoughts are overlaping inside.. sometimes i have difficulty solving simple problems, i get confused easily. and i feel like a different person each time. sometimes im timid sometimes im outspoken sometimes i care a damn while sometimes i get humiliated easily. there are mornings im afraid to get down from bed. to face people. talk to them. understand things in daily life. the moment i smile when my best friend consoles me or mom talks to me, the fear overtakes again.. what if tomorrow they are not beside me. what if they leave they die i leave or i die.. i wont feel them i wont see them anymore. who will console me then.. whats the use of the present moment then if somedays we have to go away from each other. why such a fear always in my mind in my dreams.. i dont want to face that someday ever..... anyway.. i went way too deep.. but not only this that makes my life miserable and i cant lead it just my peers do.. there are other weird things going around also. i'll write more. but somebody.. please get me some help. reply back.I'd really appreciate.. thankyou

[starcatcher355]

You sound like you are consumed with the fear of death instead of enjoying the here and now. As a mother and a person who has had the same fears, my daughter has had the same fears and my mother who has anxiety, I can tell you that what you are experiencing is very common - you are not alone.  It also sounds like this is really getting you down.  The first thing I suggest you do is talk - talk with you mother, talk with a telephone adviser, there are plenty of help lines available and try to maybe find a good counselor to talk to.  Often this kind of fear is known as Separation Anxiety - fear of a loved one dying and feeling as if life would be devastating without them.  I am not a psychologist, but I know myself that cognitive behaviour therapy, along with other strategies and maybe even medication will help, but mostly you need the love and support of your family and possibly your friends.  Life is too good to be missing out on it, and remember, life is short for all of us, enjoy it - go get help and start having fun instead of fear. xx

[Emily_371]

I feel exactly the same way as cesar_92. Im just going on 18 and the thought of losing any of my loved ones kills me. I often think that I'de rather die before everyone else so I do not have to experience this grief. I don't know what to do and I need help :(

[rhea310]

hmmm.. thanx alot for the suggetion

[MSmith3]

Oh my gosh, I can relate to this so much.  I literally started crying just reading this post because I have had the same experiences multiple times with my now-husband.  It is crippling for me too and I keep wondering how to let my rational mind get a grip on it.  I know it seems illogical and only for very emotional people, but I am an upper level teacher and very intellectual and it still consumes me at times.  When I was younger I worried about my mom dying.  I used to think my life would be miserable if she did and how horrible that would be.  That eventually went away by the time I was in high school.  Then those feelings came back when my husband's sister was killed by a drunk driver 2 years into our relationship.  I constantly worry that if I don't hear back from him in a certain amount of time, he could be lying dead on a road and I don't know about it.  It's to the point where when he does come home I am in tears because I feel like I got a second chance with him, as if he's back from the dead.  I know this sounds so strange.  I am a left brained person, not overly dramatic and definitely not an attention seeker.  I do mentally analyze everything and I think that is to my detriment because I get carried away with my imagination to the point that I actually feel those feelings.  I definitely want to get a hold on it because I don't want to attract experiences like that into my life by putting out that energy.  But I have to say, I already feel so much better knowing there are other people out there that feel that same way.  I have never been diagnosed with anything and honestly feel I am NOT mentally unstable in any way.  But thank you so much for sharing.

[freeone77]

I, too, suffer from this terrible, crazy kind of thinking.  I have come to believe that it is a certain kind of personality type who has more of a tendancy to think like this.  The Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory is a good tool in telling you about your personality (you can take it free at humanmetrics.com, last I checked).  Thinking in pictures  also, like tkroro said, can make it worse.  I never knew there were people who did not think in pictures until I took that test.

My therapist told me that I need to come to the reality that bad things, terrible things happen.  Every day.  Horrible things.  That is the way the world works, that is the way life is.  We cannot control anything but ourselves.  And since we cannot control anything or anyone but our own life and ourselves, we need to do the best we can to make our own, personal world the best it can be.  

He says when those thoughts come up, instead of saying, "everything is okay, everyone is fine, right now," which has been my mantra for quite some time, he says to say, "everything is not fine.  There are people all around the world, dying at this very moment, and there is nothing I can do about it.  So I may as well be at peace inside my own soul."  

I cannot say that this has helped me, but maybe it will spark someone else.  I have reverted back to my own mantra.  I also tell God that I am thankful that my loved ones are safe, and I tell myself that I do not know the path they have to follow.  It is different than mine, and if theirs includes illness or an accident or death, how can I be so arrogant as to beg the Universe to spare them from it??  Maybe that is what they need for their lesson.  I don't know, I'm just sharing my thoughts.  

My sister was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer in 2006 and died in 2007.  I cannot begin to tell you where my mind went during that time.  I left myself.  I felt like a screaming, writhing, tormented animal, unable to receive any consolation or relief.  During her funeral, I was not okay.  I sat there, angry vehemently angry at God for taking my sister.  Then I heard a small voice say, "It's not about you, Julie."  I was filled with an unwilling peace (I didn't want it) and felt my sister's presence around me.  The corners of my mouth made a smile, even though I still felt too empty to move or react. Then it was gone.

I've carried that memory with me all this time, and I've thought about it at length.  No, her death was not about me.  Her illness was not either.  It was about her.  It was her path, and she had to walk it.  Now, when I wake up in the middle of the night, with visions of my grown children in some horrible state of death, I say, 'all is well, right now.'  I think I will incorporate, 'it isn't about me,' to my mantra.


Hope that helps.

[pat148]

If your parents are both suffering from life threatening desease, its ok to feel so but  worry all the time, could make you drope down and die. leaving them right there to bury you; then what.From the age of twelve my  mother got Asthma and everytime she got an attact. I would pray that she don't die, that went on until i was thirty three. She prayed to live to see her last child reached eighteen, She died at fifty  she spent a lot of  her time in and out of hospital. it was rear for her to be out of hospital for two weeks straight. Now my father has prostrate cancer and the process has started all over again. So instead of worrying enjoy the time you have build memories that is what will keep your going.

[Gilmore94]

I just started thinking about death ever since my grandfather died from cancer/ lungs drowning. Every night I try to sleep and my mind starts giving images of me dead and it freaked me out. This only happens at night and everytime I take a breath. I havent been able to talk to anybody because im too scared. I know what people will say and I dont think I need this. If anybody could give me advice on how to deal with this problem, I am only 18 years old and I also wish the world could just stay this way and we never get older. For any advice, on how to fall asleep without thinking these thoughts or how to talk about it I appriciate it very much.

[Jane97]

I am 13 and going through the same things. I have been stressing myself to the point of crying every day. My dad has cancer, my boyfriend has a disorder, and my second mom (my boyfriends mom) has many different disorders and diseases. I will cry so hard that I will start to hyperventilate. I had a nervous breakdown and a panic attack. I don't know how to stop these thoughts. I have talked to my mom and dad and they just told me that I should remain happy and think about today. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. They won't take me to a therapist because they can't afford it. They won't take me to a doctor to get me anti depressants because they said it will affect my life to much. I could get addicted, and it will make me not care when some of my loved ones really do pass. I don't know what to do anymore.

[TamanaAnne]

First can I just say that energy can never be destroyed it just takes other forms so our energy has to go somewhere.
Also another way to look at things is that your parents can never leave you, even if they try because half of you is them. And with grandparents 1/4 of you is them. So they'll never really leave you.
I feel exactly the same. But It's not my family dieing I worried about. I worried that once they die I'll never see them again and thats what kills or killed me. But it only goes away once you replace it with happy thoughts. Every time you start thinking about something horrible like that just think of your happiest memory and hold it in your head for 30 seconds. I had extream depression about this for weeks and I promise if you practice about think happy thoughts when you get sad that it will go. Everything takes practice, so it's not like if you do it once everything will be fine. This is how I got over it. Also there is a book called Jonathon Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach I think and it explains heaven and the after life in a way that opened my eyes to what life is all about.
I learned to except that evereybody dies and that I'm not a one off. I also learned that everybody worries about this at some stage in their life, I learnt how to solve the depression and what I'm most proud of I taught myself to have faith that I will see my family in heaven and It's like having a holiday away from them. When I was worried my mum said that I shouldn't worry because we all meet up in heaven. Something that helped me was a prayer I used to say the holy prayer ever night and ask god to bless my family and friends. I never really was a real Christian until I got worried about this, so I suppose in a strange sort of way I'm grateful, because now I have the power of faith and the power to beleive which is some cases could be my greatest quality. Don't live your life saying that it can't happen always say what if. good luck to all that suffer from this and I hope it gets better! xx

[Steph032989]

I am amazed that I have stubled past this site. Reading the above entries makes me feel not so alone in the way I think or feel..My Sister passed away in August 2010 and left behind a 9month old baby, who is my Nephew..Since then my feeling of being the last one in my family to leave this earth and being left all alone to deal with the pain of the losss have intensified! My Mother then passed away in March of this year. My daily thoughts consume me. I've been told I psycoanalyze (sp) situations multiple times in my life and I can't seem to help the thoughts of the distant future generally with the worst outcome of things..It scares me sometimes, I feel crazy quite often. My Dad just recently passed away 5 days ago and my world is upside down leaving me as next of kin to my 15 year old brother and my nephew who is now 2 1/2. It seems like my fears are slowly closing in..I'm sicken with stress and fear. I do agree with @tkroro I do seem to do better when busy with an occupated mind. I just realized that no one has been here since 2010. Will this ever be seen?? ***@**** if anyone does..

[Steph032989]

I also have feelings of fear about not ever having another moment with the ones who have passed. That one last kiss, hug, or pat on the back among other things I will never feel the emotion of again. I have no idea what to do. If any others feel they could help with advice I would appreciate it more than you know..