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To Shaz

I hope respite went well.  I thought I better type out that stuff I promised I would before I forgot again.

1.  Acknowledge a feeling
2.  Identify the feeling
3.  What's the feeling about.
     Child self                                             Adult self
     Reacts (I need) -past  (Intense)              Responds (I want/ would like) -now (calm)
     What, when, where, who, how
     I feel
4.  Validate the feeling (permission)
     It's OK to feel x, y, z
5.  Practical intervention
6.  Integration
7.  Growth
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Avatar universal
The blood clot was scary i had to inject myself twice a day for ten months the birth was high risk as i was on the high dose of heprin to thin my blood, i was to be induced a week before he was due but he had other ideas and came two weeks early a few hours after i had injected myself at that point my blood was really thin and they were scared about bleeding they were very good they had blood ready and an anti dote for the injection if i bled too much but the risk with that was it would cause my blood to clot maybe causing another clot, it was scary the labor ward was full of doctors but about six months after the baby was born i was fine they said it was caused by the pregnancy so no more babies.
Does your mum still have to take medication?
I get the migrane with an aura i can't see properly for a while then i get zig zagging lines then the headache it takes an hour for my eyes to return to normal and i feel really week and ill, i didn't have any for years and before christmas i had seven in three days now i take them once or twice a month i took one last week at respite, they scare me too and then i panic which makes it worse, so relaxing is good.
My social worker and therapist both offered to talk to my mother a few months ago but i said no, i feel she doesn't deserve to know the truth about me, i know its up to me to sort it but at the minute i'm not ready too i'm too angry, as for my partner i need the help on the practial side so i can't leave.
My social worker and therapist try to talk to me about my relationships thats why they are so keen for me to go to respite to get away from it all for a while. I sometimes feel i need to leave them all to go away and never come back. My children are back to school tomorrow so back to the routine and my social worker will probably call me in the morning to see why i didn't stay at respite i'm not sure if she will book me in this week or not, i seem to be doing a bit better anyway maybe the fact that they are listening to me helps and i have the offer of respite or hospital if it all gets too much.
There is alot of tension in this house but its confusing i have to put up with it for now anyway.
I find the support from you really helpful as well so thankyou for that.
I made some new memories today at the lake but the old one is still there it makes wonder will i do it next time, i couldn't go there again anyway the police know where i would go, hopefully i won't feel like that again.
Have a good day.
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Avatar universal
I've had a problem with visual migraines for a bit but then started experiencing classic ones last year.  Went to the hospital because I couldn't see and thought I might have been having a stroke, etc.  Was very anxious but at least this time I just tried to relax and not make it worse by stressing.  I think it must have been due to me feeling a little more relaxed on Saturday.  It happened last time after a period of stress which had been followed by an OK period.
Your mother sounds as though she has her head in the clouds.  She needs to wake up and become more observant.  Maybe all the adults need to have a meeting (overseen by a social worker, etc).  My mother had one of those with her family.  Not that it did any good.  Everyone sounds as though they are just arguing for arguments sake.
Maybe you could apologize for how your partners comments have affected her.  Find some small grain of truth in what she has to say and validate her by using that.  It probably is your responsibility to repair these relationships with people around you.  Either that or leave them if they're that bad.  ??
You would be strong enough on you own.  Probably stronger than when you are with others.  Maybe you just need time away from everyone.  You need time to find yourself before you make big, life-changing decisions.
About your partner.  I would be extremely concerned about raising kids in that sort of environment.  You know, where it is tense, etc all the time.  It's not healthy for them or their development.

I expect your mother cares but doesn't see you or your point of view.  Your partner?  I don't know.  I can't imagine ever being in a relationship with a person who doesn't trust or respect me.  A partner is someone who we choose.  We can't choose our families but we can choose our life partners.  I think you deserve better.

There is nothing wrong with you.  You are not a bad or unlikable person.  More it is about what is inherently wrong with others.  How they can treat people that way.  Don't let yourself believe that you are so bad that nobody will ever like you.  That's part of the illness and negative talk talking but also a reflection of your support people.  Is it no wonder that you feel stuck and depressed all the time?  I would suggest you let your T and social worker guide you through all this.
More fool you.  I'm going to be dreaming about possibilities and what I want for myself.

Stuff like that can take time to forget.  For me it is blurring a little bit.  Nothing one does can ever change the past though.  I can't take back my actions or those of the doctors treating me.  I can't undo a week in icu, etc, etc.
I have the same association with a full moon.  When I've been unwell I have set dates according to dates and lunar cycles, etc.  The moon seems to be quite a strong trigger.
When my 2 1/2 yr old nephew came to stay about a month ago he pointed at the moon and said pretty moon, it's not scary.  It changes your association a bit (but it creeps up on your from time to time).

I hope I heard enough of it.
My head is feeling better although the computer screen seems to be triggering it again.

Oh, I forgot about the blood clot.  Mum had a couple of those when in hospital with her broken back and head injuries.  Apparently they were the size of tennis balls.  She was pretty sick too.  We got shuffled around a bit from ward to ward.  One day when we were visiting I saw he stop breathing and then watched her being intubated.  At one point she was also flown to another hospital.
She was on really high doses of blood thinners for ages and would get breathless quite a bit.  It took her ages to recover too.  She still gets blood clots too (although in other parts of her body).
It must have been extremely scary for you to go through this and especially feel so alone.
Mum said she thought things would have been much worse if I hadn't have given her a massage every day when we visited.  It was still pretty bad.
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Avatar universal
I know if i have a migrane it takes a day or two to fully leave i always feel weak afterward.
My mum rang and asked could my daughter go to a bbq with her today so i said ok, the she said how was i still argraphobic after so many years and why did i still have panic attacks i said i don't know she said she had been argraphobic but she was able to beat it as she fought it, i know she was meaning that i mustn't fight it but i let it go. Then she started on about why did i not apologize to her for the way my partner treated her and what he had said to her in Jan when i went missing, the police contacted her at the time and she told them it was all my partners fault he went mad and told her how useless she was as a mother and didn't know half the stuff that happened to me as a child because she was never interested in me, which was true but he shouldn't have told her. I told her yesterday i wouldn't be apologizing as i never said it and i also said that no one ever aoplogized to me for the way my brother treated me all these years and how he treats my children and makes me feel unwelcome, she said i will be even more unwelcome now because i took the side of my partner over them, to be honest they were never any support to me when i was pregnant last time i was really ill i developed a blood clot on my lung i was ill for nearly a year but the point is i had to take my toddler to all my ante natal appointments as my mother wouldn't keep him and when i was in hospital because of the clot she fought with my partner all the time and kept ringing me up and going about him, i could have died and all she was worried about was him and how she hated him. She then went on to say that she doesn't know me anymore i doubt she ever did, she stresses me so much and when i took my children to see her they ignored me and then she said how can i carry on as if nothing happened what did she want me to do i was trying to let it go. My partner won't allow my daughter to go today with her and i don't don't blame him, she really hurt me again but i won't let her do it again.
When i look at my life no wonder i am depressed and want to kill myself, the two people who are supposed to love me are the ones who hurt me the most, does that mean there is something wrong with me i must be a really bad unlikeable person. I know now all week this will be in my head i couldn't sleep because of it.
It is a lovely day and we are going for picnic and a bbq on the mountain near the lakes its warm but will probably be cooler up there then we are going to feed the deer in the forest park, the mountain is where i attempted suicide so it makes me sad going there but maybe i can make some happy memories there instead of the darkness of that night, but i can never forget that night.
I hope your head feels better soon, sorry for going on so much but i needed to get it out.
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Avatar universal
That doesn't sound good.  How can you have an argument with you just listening?  Maybe you should talk to her?  Lay it all out?
Feeling better but still not 100%.  I should be OK tomorrow.  Hopefully.

I hope you're doing OK.
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Avatar universal
I hope your head gets better soon. I will talk soon i had an argument with my mother so all is not good here or rather she done the talking and i listened, there is so much i could say to her but i won't. I hope you feel better soon.
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Avatar universal
You will.   You're resilient.
Mood usually does come back to how we perceive things.

Sorry this is so short.  I have a migraine today and are finding it really hard to see and concentrate.
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