to Jaquta

[inneedofhelp82]

Just wanted to welcome you back, how was your journey home? I hope all is well with you, talk soon.

[Jaquta]

Hi.  Thanks for that.  My review is not until Wednesday.  I can be pretty evasive around dates on the net as I like to feel as though I have some privacy/ security.
I had to go into town today to see about my benefit.  They decided that they would cut it while I was away (after me ringing up and asking about it specifically).  It grates that they say travelling will be fine and then decide that it won't be.  I was very frustrated.

I like many sermons given in church too.  We went to church when we went to school.  I started going again but then the congregation expected me to make an oath I didn't feel emotionally connected too.  I did it but it felt wrong to me and as a consequence I never went back.  I like the singing a lot too.  especially if the song choice is OK.

It hope all is well with your daughter.  Respite sounds like a good idea, especially if you're going to take on the care of the baby soon.
Not sure about the drunk.  Maybe it just seemed more secure/ comfortable for him??
Is hard to know what goes through someones mind, especially when they're drunk.  Likely there was not much thought there at all.

[inneedofhelp82]

Hi, just wanted to wish you good luck for today!!!!

[inneedofhelp82]

Its ok i don't want you to feel that you need to respond to everything i write, i understand you are struggling yourself and i probably seem selfish for writing so much but i really don't expect you to respond to it all i think it helps me just by writing it down, you need to do what is best for you and take care of yourself.
I hope tomorrow goes well and i will be thinking of you.
My daughter is really struggling at the minute i am going to speak to her health visitor tomorrow, i suffered from depression after she was born and i don't want her to go the same way i am really trying for her i am trying to help as much as i can. I am going to send her back to school a week earlier than planned in the hope that her friends can help her more than i can and she needs to feel normal.
I took her baby to church today it has a calming effect on me and the sermon was on that god sees what is on the inside where others judge us on the outside i thought it was very suitable to me.
I am going to call my social worker tomorrow and tell her to book some respite for me i am feeling the need to get away and my partner says i have that look in my eyes again where all is not right.
To make it worse some drunk man thought he could go to sleep up the side of our house last night, we heard him my partner went mad because of what happened last year, i did panic alot it brought back alot of stuff for me. The thing is we live in a private housing estate at the bottom of it near the forest and their is a fence seperating us from the trees well he walked past all the other houses to our's and up our entry, why? I really want to move now.
Anyway please don't feel you have to reply to it all, i hope all is well with you and i will be thinking of you. Take care, good luck for tomorrow.

[Jaquta]

It's a lot of information to respond too.  Would you mind terribly if I didn't?  I get the sense that you need validating and nurturing and being held.  I feel selfish in just needing to hold myself together.  At the moment I fear the depth of the emotional content.  I have pushed stuff away in order for me to cope and the truth is that I don't want to feel some of that stuff.  I don't want to have to connect to some of the emotional stuff I would need to in order to offer you even just a little of what you need.

I too wish things had of been sorted long ago.  For me that is early childhood.

My parents offered to drive me but I think I need that time to/ for myself.  The report will go back to my mhs as they are funding it.  My GP should also get a copy.

The thing is that we get hurt a lot and we still bounce back.  Sometimes it can take us a while but we always do.  Saying goodbye to people will be hard but they will be replaced by others.  Just like when people die, life goes on.

Just getting out of the house will help you to feel as though you have done or achieved something.  Doing, or participating, is a good thing (providing it's positive).

I'll try not to stress too much about it all.  Thanks for your kind words and concern.

I hope the shopping goes well.

[inneedofhelp82]

Here i go again but thankyou for that it really helped. I do consider you as a friend i should have said that its just hard because its on here i have no friends here where i live, i think thats what i meant, you truly understand me and thats strange for me because no one really does. I try to be caring and considerate so i'm glad you think i am that way, i feel that way about you also i think the way you put the things out there and you are honest even if its not what i want to hear, i really appreciate honesty, i feel my therapist sometimes just tells me what i want to hear to keep me calm. My social worker is alot more honest she tells me like it is sometimes i don't like that but it does help in other ways.
I think i learnt from my mistakes in the running away part, i really don't want to do that again so i have learnt that if i call my therapist or social worker they can help, even if i still want to run away after i have talked to them. If i really thought about it i can be impulsive alot, i comfort eat alot i am a stone heavier than i was last year i need to do something about it.
The thing with the police i agree with you and i would probably feel the same if it were someone else i just can't give his name i don't trust them to deal with it properly i feel she will use it against me. I wanted them to find the person who assaulted me last October i never wanted them to find this other person, the thing is he used to be a friend that i worked with, we went to a party and it went from there i never wanted to have sex with him but everyone knows we were close and i am afraid they would tell her this and that she wouldn't believe me. The way she treated me over the other assault was terrible she accused me of having an affair, the day it tried to kill myself she implied that i was a way with another man, i wonder what is in her head, i asked her why she thought this of me and she said i treat everyone like this she said i need to be sure you are telling the truth, a social worker was at the interview and put in a complaint about her, she then told my therapist who also wrote to her and so did the psychiatrist, i think she is trying to use my mental health against me and my therapist tried so hard to explain to her that i am quiet that i don't give much away because the way i talked to them made them think i was hiding something, i feel very let down by them, i was mis- trusting of people before she made it worse. She also told me i should access my notes from my therapist so she made me wonder what he had written about me.
My therapist told me to see a solicitor about the police and he told me to write a letter of complaint about them, in a way i don't want to get her in trouble but the other side is she caused me alot of hassle, if they decide to investigate it my therapist and psychiatrist will be interviewed about it, i feel bad about that for putting them out like that but then again i think well they did hand over my notes.
I would like to be stable and i would like to keep the part of me that is determined to get better or just get on with my life without depending on my therapist or social worker.
I always assumed that my behavior was normal but my therapist tells me its not he said my thinking is distorted and your right about other people they probably don't think like this they don't really care if other people like them or not.
He also said when other people get upset they cry or talk about it he said they don't run away like i do or think about killing themselves so i guess he is right.
I wish it hadn't taken them so long to find out what was wrong with me i feel so many years were wasted because i have always been so stressed and depressed and it just got worse.
Will someone go to the review with you? That would be hard going through all that stuff again, will they tell you gp the outcome or tell you directly?
I know it seems i have alot of support but i don't feel that way, maybe i am wrong, i sort of feel my therapist is stuck with me and now he knows i have a personality disorder he is even more stuck with me as he doesn't want to reject me. My social worker is genuine but very busy and in reality i would need her more than once a week but thats the way it it, i am glad i have them though in a crisis they are calm and thats what i need, i am afraid of loosing them as well though i would never cope without them and sometimes i allow myself to open up to them and other times i shut of because i am afraid of getting hurt by them or rejected that would totally destroy me, but i guess not everyone thinks like that, right?
I am taking my grandaughter shopping today in the hope i will feel better, i woke up very depressed and those familiar feelings and thoughts came rushing back, i hate it.
I hope you have a good day and get some sleep and try not to stress too much about the review, it could go well and i hope it will. Take care

[Jaquta]

It's not that I don't want to talk but that I feel so tired.  I more anxious about the review and having my history rehashed.  I'll worry about the outcome later -maybe Tuesday or Thursday.

I think we like ourselves but the problem is that we feel such a sense of shame.  Our sensitivity can lead us to perceive other peoples reactions as rejecting and this can reinforce negative feelings.  Try hating yourself around someone who listens, shows you respect and is optimistic, encouraging and hopeful.

You don't consider me, or others here, as friends?  It's a different kind of friendship and relationship but surely it matters for now.  The good thing is that we can come and go as we please and how our life journey dictates.
When I was with my sister she spoke to her friends a bit.  I don't think it's that I don't have friends but that I don't have real or tangible friends.  That people who I choose to share stuff with, and who care and understand, are people on the net.  I have found a lot more real people on the net.  In life, we don't always get to know people as well or as deeply.  Some we do but not all.

I like you.  I like that you are open and receptive to things.  I like that you are able to explore things that are said and don't just rubbish them.  I like that you are kind, caring and considerate.  I like that you are grateful.  Often you would thank me for posts when no thanks were necessary or you would ask about me when we were talking about you.  You are not that self-centered that you can't think of others.  Mental illness can make us self-centered as often we can feel like we are struggling for our own existence and survival.  I like that you are able to show some of your vulnerability.  There's a lot to like about you.
Sometimes I do feel frustrated when talking to you but I know that my own situation plays a huge part in that and is not due to you.  Maybe sometimes I even feel a little frustrated at the support I perceive you are receiving.  Sometimes I wish I could have that for myself.  I did have some of that support once though.
One thing that does bother me, and I have told you this and know that it is your choice, is the stuff with the police.  Sometimes I wish you would either just give them a name or back off and accept responsibility.  It is easy for me to judge though without being in your situation or with your personal experiences.  I do try to support you in your decision as best I can though.  I want what is best for you and I accept that you know what that is or what that is at this time.  
A friend will even tell you stuff that they think that you might not want to hear.

Don't be someone you're not.  I don't think many people even take the time to group people into those they like or dislike.  Many people like a lot of people and don't discriminate or perceive things the way we do.

Practice makes perfect.  Maybe try and re-frame it as an opportunity.  Even our mistakes teach us something.  Use it as something empowering and constructive.

She can help to support you and to teach you new skills and ways to cope and to be there for you when you do need help.

I once knew a person with mild bpd who thought that I was messed up.  My diagnosis at the time had been severe depression and anxiety, no personality stuff.  Anyway, she would tell me stories about how she went after her ex-with a stanley blade.  And I'm more messed up than that?  But you tried to physically kill someone and your unborn baby?  If I were to look at my own behavior at times I guess it would be considered a bit out there.  Just funny that that other person thought that she was normal.

Impulsiveness can be around food, speeding, spending, sex, etc.  Running away is impulsive.

Probably you would like to be you but without all the dysfunctional behavior.  If you were to try and visualize an ideal life those might be some of the qualities you would want or want to strive towards.  Stability is key I think.  Stable family, job, weight, relationships, etc, etc.