Aa
to Jaquta
Just wanted to welcome you back, how was your journey home? I hope all is well with you, talk soon.
Its ok if you don't want to talk, maybe its the stress of the review, thats far to drive. I hope it goes ok for you after waiting this long for it, i'm sure your anxious about the outcome i would be afraid that after waiting so long that they were going to let me down again, but maybe they won't and they will help like they are supposed to.
I was with my social worker today, she asked me why did i hate myself so much i said i don't know i just do so she was trying to get me to think of something i like about myself but i said i don't have one, she asked about any friends i have and what do they like about me, i told her i have no friends because people always let me down, just a bad day and left feeling even worse when i realized i really don't have any friends and no one really does like me, its kind of depressing.
I told my partner that if people don't like me that from now on i would give them reason not to like me i will be the ***** they already think i am.
So now i have to try and replace my negative thoughts about myself with positive ones, great something to fail at.
She asked me my suicide risk i told her it sits on 6 or 7 out of 10 but if someone says the wrong thing it goes to 10 very quick, but what can they do.
I also realized that being impulsiveness just doesn't mean the suicidal stuff, i am totally impulsive when i speak without thinking, when i call my partner every name i can think of, when i loose my temper and smash stuff, when i want to move house just there and then, i find it hard to keep my opinions to myself, i have terrible road rage, not surprised no one likes me, here i was thinking i wasn't an extreme person.
I have learnt alot about myself lately, then she asks me who would i like to be instead of being several different people just to suit whoever i am with, i have no idea, that didn't help me. I am tired tonight and should be in bed but i'm just in that strange mood where i am trying to be normal and not over react to nothing like i normally do.
I hope you have a good day and try not to worry about the review but i am sure you will it would be hard not to. Take care
I was with my social worker today, she asked me why did i hate myself so much i said i don't know i just do so she was trying to get me to think of something i like about myself but i said i don't have one, she asked about any friends i have and what do they like about me, i told her i have no friends because people always let me down, just a bad day and left feeling even worse when i realized i really don't have any friends and no one really does like me, its kind of depressing.
I told my partner that if people don't like me that from now on i would give them reason not to like me i will be the ***** they already think i am.
So now i have to try and replace my negative thoughts about myself with positive ones, great something to fail at.
She asked me my suicide risk i told her it sits on 6 or 7 out of 10 but if someone says the wrong thing it goes to 10 very quick, but what can they do.
I also realized that being impulsiveness just doesn't mean the suicidal stuff, i am totally impulsive when i speak without thinking, when i call my partner every name i can think of, when i loose my temper and smash stuff, when i want to move house just there and then, i find it hard to keep my opinions to myself, i have terrible road rage, not surprised no one likes me, here i was thinking i wasn't an extreme person.
I have learnt alot about myself lately, then she asks me who would i like to be instead of being several different people just to suit whoever i am with, i have no idea, that didn't help me. I am tired tonight and should be in bed but i'm just in that strange mood where i am trying to be normal and not over react to nothing like i normally do.
I hope you have a good day and try not to worry about the review but i am sure you will it would be hard not to. Take care
The power went out just as I was about to log off. Bummer! I don't think the storm was as bad as it could have been. Hopefully the weather won't be too bad today and tomorrow. Thank goodness it wasn't the day of my review. I would have hated to have had to drive for six hours in the wind and rain.
Sorry for not wanting to talk, not sure what's going on. ?PMT. ?stress from the review. ??being home.
I hope you are OK.
Sorry for not wanting to talk, not sure what's going on. ?PMT. ?stress from the review. ??being home.
I hope you are OK.
I hope you won't get them either, hope you will all be ok. Its Autumn here which i like its cool and sunny we had some storms but not too bad. I hope your day is good. Take care
Hi. I'm really not in the mood to chat today. There are big storms coming over (the size of Australia) which doesn't make it an ideal time either. Just hope we don't get any of those tornadoes. I hope the weather isn't too harsh because I don't think our animals would stand up to it.
Hi, therapy didn't go so good today i was very emotional for no reason, i felt he was a bit of as well. We talked about rejection again, and trying to describe emotions again. He asked why i never made friends i said why bother, every one lets me down eventually.
I don't see you as being a failure you have many good points, it is good to aim higher though its good to want to be better than what we are. I always felt i needed to be perfect it was expected of me which is why i kept the panic and anxiety to myself for years i would go shopping with my mum and i would panic and i couldn't even tell her she would complain that i was weak, she said i was pathetic for needing a therapist. I went back to college when i was 26 and done really well, i got accepted in to uni and she said its a pity it had to be me that got the place as i obviously couldn't go she said it would have been better if my brother had got the place that hurts alot.
They were ashamed that i got pregnant at 17 and i wasn't married then i made it worse by breaking up with him and meeting the partner i have now and had more children to him that is the ultimate sin in their eyes, to them i am a failure and an embarassment. Every pregnancy i had since i felt ashamed to be pregnant.
I have alot of strange and disturbing dreams some of the stuff i know happened but i have a dream come back that i had when i was a child i even feel pain in the dream which scares me as i now think it could have actually happened otherwise how would i know what that type of pain felt like.
I can't really talk about it in therapy because my therapist is trying to keep me calm and not talk about that stuff he would prefer me to do that when i go to psychotherapy.
I see my social worker tomorrow i could really do with seeing her, i don't feel so good, the tension sort of bubbles away underneath all the time, i can't understand why the feelings don't go away.
The panic attacks have increased too much to deal with and then it gets so bad i feel not real which is just as scary.
I find it hard to know what to say to people to help them sometimes i say nothing.
It was a stressful day i am very tired the plumber rang me at 7.30am to come and fix the heating then i took the kids to school then i saw my therapist at 9.30 and now i,m so tired.
I hope you have a good day today. Take care
I don't see you as being a failure you have many good points, it is good to aim higher though its good to want to be better than what we are. I always felt i needed to be perfect it was expected of me which is why i kept the panic and anxiety to myself for years i would go shopping with my mum and i would panic and i couldn't even tell her she would complain that i was weak, she said i was pathetic for needing a therapist. I went back to college when i was 26 and done really well, i got accepted in to uni and she said its a pity it had to be me that got the place as i obviously couldn't go she said it would have been better if my brother had got the place that hurts alot.
They were ashamed that i got pregnant at 17 and i wasn't married then i made it worse by breaking up with him and meeting the partner i have now and had more children to him that is the ultimate sin in their eyes, to them i am a failure and an embarassment. Every pregnancy i had since i felt ashamed to be pregnant.
I have alot of strange and disturbing dreams some of the stuff i know happened but i have a dream come back that i had when i was a child i even feel pain in the dream which scares me as i now think it could have actually happened otherwise how would i know what that type of pain felt like.
I can't really talk about it in therapy because my therapist is trying to keep me calm and not talk about that stuff he would prefer me to do that when i go to psychotherapy.
I see my social worker tomorrow i could really do with seeing her, i don't feel so good, the tension sort of bubbles away underneath all the time, i can't understand why the feelings don't go away.
The panic attacks have increased too much to deal with and then it gets so bad i feel not real which is just as scary.
I find it hard to know what to say to people to help them sometimes i say nothing.
It was a stressful day i am very tired the plumber rang me at 7.30am to come and fix the heating then i took the kids to school then i saw my therapist at 9.30 and now i,m so tired.
I hope you have a good day today. Take care
I think that's why people hold off labeling as people with bpd then perceive it as a rejection or perceive themselves as being all bad.
It took me a long time to accept that even just a little part of me may be OK. I think posting (on another list) helped and where people pointed out my weakness (bpd and mental illness) was actually a strength (helped me to empathize, etc with others).
I know that no one is perfect. That doesn't mean that I don't want to win or do something better or faster than someone else. Or be the best at something (other than being disruptive or a failure).
I think I have internalized others values and need for perfection. I think in my family that status was important and that is why needing to be perfect or accepted or acceptable was so important.
It says a lot about your parents too. Were they embarrassed or ashamed of you? What did having a child when you were so young mean to them?
Dreams can become confusing and need to be worked through in therapy although this too may not be entirely accurate. They seem to be on your mind a lot at the moment. Why is that?
It took me a long time to accept that even just a little part of me may be OK. I think posting (on another list) helped and where people pointed out my weakness (bpd and mental illness) was actually a strength (helped me to empathize, etc with others).
I know that no one is perfect. That doesn't mean that I don't want to win or do something better or faster than someone else. Or be the best at something (other than being disruptive or a failure).
I think I have internalized others values and need for perfection. I think in my family that status was important and that is why needing to be perfect or accepted or acceptable was so important.
It says a lot about your parents too. Were they embarrassed or ashamed of you? What did having a child when you were so young mean to them?
Dreams can become confusing and need to be worked through in therapy although this too may not be entirely accurate. They seem to be on your mind a lot at the moment. Why is that?
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