to Jaquta

[inneedofhelp82]

Just wanted to welcome you back, how was your journey home? I hope all is well with you, talk soon.

[inneedofhelp82]

I agree, our behavior can be affected by the illness, i would say my anger is really affected by it, the rejection part is the worst part for me. I guess its ok to think that our behavior is affected by the illness then i know i'm not just all bad. I went to sleep really depressed i was thinking about my parents and how they ignore me now and i was thinking of my life as a child and it made me feel worse. I think i have to accept that they don't want me anymore.
I am meeting with the support worker this morning but i'm not in the mood i am tired and just want to sleep. My social worker called yesterday but i missed her call, she left a message, she will call today.
Can i just say no one is perfect, even those who think they are aren't, you are a good person and you have alot of good qualities, you are great at helping better that is a great thing to be able to do.
I always felt that i had to try to be perfect but this was pressure from other people but no matter what i do i will never be good enough for everyone, another reason i don't bother with people, like having a mental illness my parents were disappointed and having a child when i was 17 was the ultimate sin but anyway. I believe they played a big part in my mental health and i have had some disturbing nightmares lately about my family i really hope they are only nightmares and not memories.
I hope you have a good day. Take care

[Jaquta]

The kittens were put down or dead.  We don't need more cats.
With the mental illness stuff it is not you, it is an illness.  My GP will often distinguish between me and the behavior and the illness.  Sometimes I think it is OK to say that our behavior is affected by our condition.  Don't you feel that sometimes?
They're not blaming us they're blaming the disorder.  Having a PD can just make you all feel bad though.  For me it killed my chances of ever being perfect which subconsciously was important to me.

I have to go.  Parents need phone line.

[inneedofhelp82]

I know i don't get it either i have a right to know and it makes me a bit untrusting of them when they won't tell me.
Its like they think i won't cope with what they tell me, then they just go ahead and treat me without really telling me much.
Its ok about the e-mails, my partner is the same he doesn't care much either.
Maybe when i get the new therapist he will tell me more.
I feel i have backed away from them which works for a while but all the tension still builds inside and then it will all come out again, i don't know what to do.
My social worker was supposed to call yesterday but she didn't and she hasn't called today either, i hate that.
My partner and i have been fighting alot and i got a long talk from my therapist on not being impulsive and to not make major choices now, they were meaning to not leave my partner.
I see him alot outside his office he lives five minutes from me and passes the place where i live everyday, i sometimes see him when i take my children to school.
i see the support worker from woman's aid tomorrow, its good with her as she treats me like every other person not someone with a mental health illness, my therapist and social worker are quick to blame my mental health for all my problems, thats like saying that i'm to blame for all that goes wrong.
I didn't sleep well last night again and being tired makes me feel worse.
Did you keep all the kittens?
I hope you have a good day today. Take care

[Jaquta]

The cats OK, thanks for asking.  I had it desexed at the same time and it had eight babies.  That's a lot of unwanted kittens to have had to feed.

I'm sorry I didn't spend more time with my e-mails, etc.  I couldn't reasonably access these forums on my sister's work computer though.  She was uncomfortable with me doing that.  She doesn't care and doesn't understand.

I would find that aggravating being told but not being told.  You have a personality disorder or PD, but we won't tell you which one.  The point of that exactly is?
I understand about the labelling but the rejection, etc at having stuff withheld is as damaging, if not more so.

It sounds as though you may have pushed stuff away a bit.  Even with the new T its not like you'll never see your T.  You mention seeing him a bit out of office.

[inneedofhelp82]

Yeah, i never got the chance to tell you. He told me i had severe personality issues so i let it go for a while then i asked him, is that the same as having a personality disorder and he said yes but he said he didn't want to label me as that wouldn't be helpful, i asked him which one did i have i told him i had looked it up but he wouldn't tell me he just kept saying i have difficulty regulating and recognizing my emotions i am implusive espically when i get to many emotions or get stressed he said the thats the way i react to everything i over react and do things i shouldn't, he also said i lack a sense of self i am whoever others want me to be which is why i don't mix with people because i don't know whats expected of me, i have great difficulty with relationships espically with my partner and my family, and i don't have friends so we don't know about that, i am extremely sensitive to rejection and critisicm which is why he hasn't referred me on yet.
I also have the suicidal thoughts and urges, so to me i seem to fit the critera for BPD but he won't tell me, i also asked the psychiatrist and he said that it wouldn't be helpful to label me either, so i asked them do they really know whats wrong with me at all and my therapist told me to just try and accept that i have a personality disorder and that i have always been like this so i don't see my way of thinking as wrong, he kind of made me angry thats another issue i have, anger over the slightest comment. Anyway he said he will help me prepare for psychotherapy, and the psychiatrist said the same that i need the therapist i have for now.
All this happened when you were away i never got to tell you, i missed that.
After they told me all this therapy seems to be working better, he seems to know what he is doing and he asked me to always tell him what i need to instead of keeping it to myself and reacting to it when i leave.
I am really stressed i am trying to be there for everyone and i'm trying to be a normal parent but its hard i'm so tired, my parents aren't speaking to me at all and the police are hassling me for a name and i am trying to keep it all under control, my partner and i fight all the time and i just feel like walking out or screaming at them will you help me, but i won't, it seems when i need them they back of but when i pretend i am ok they are there for me, by them i mean my therapist and social worker she never called today but i don't care anymore, i am trying to not need them.
I don't feel real today either it probably is stress i need to let it out probably, i can't even cry anymore for months i cried everytime i thought of leaving my therapist now its like who cares, no tears.
Is the cat ok?
I hope all is well with you, sorry for going on as usual. Take care enjoy your day.

[Jaquta]

The cat had an infected claw.  They had to amputate its toe.

I didn't sleep so well either.  I see my doctor today.
I don't feel as though I am about to disappear but I do sometimes get a sense that things seem unreal.  This mainly happens when I am severely stressed.  I try to relax but sometimes it can be hard too.  Sometimes I just get the spaced out feeling from being stressed and anxious and overwhelmed.

Will do.  Did you say on another forum that you were told you had a personality disorder?  Did they finally tell you?