How do I help an adult daughter with a weight problem?

[GiGi3159]

My daughter is 23 years old. I noticed she had problems with overeating when she was in middle school, but her major weight gain has been during her college years and since she graduated. I would estimate she has put on 50+ pounds in recent years. I am at a loss as to how I might help her and what I should and should not say. I notice she is isolating herself a bit more also. I am so concerned about her, but sdhe is very defensive in general and does not seem to want to reach out.

[UnsureMS]

Good morning,

Being a daughter that is close to my mom I wanted to chime in on this. I have gained a little weight myself recently, but I dont like hearing the word fat. Fat seems cruel, especially when over eating, and weight issues can stem from other issues. They can stem from low self esteem as much as your daughters may not like being overweight, they probably eat when they feel depressed or  because they are insecure. My suggestion is you need to help build their self esteems.

Also, if you are not very close to your daughters, then work on building your relationship with them before you worry about their weight. My mom and me are very close, and we talk about everything. We have learned over the years to keep from hurting each other to just move on if it seems like the topic is causing an argument.

Now, if your daughter is asking your opinion about her weight, she maybe wanting to open up. Everyone is different though, and the words you use can mean everything to her. Placing myself in your daughters spot I wouldnt want to hear the word fat. You could answer by saying "I think you are fine, but its not a bad thing if you want to lose a little weight". Another way to get closer to your daughters is ask if they would like to go walking with you because you want some woman times.

MAIN PEICE OF ADVICE: All of us woman have had self esteem issues at one point in time or another, so another thing I would say you could try is opening up about what you are insecure about, instead of placing the focus on her. In her effort to comfort you she may just open up about her insecurities. Remember sometimes over eating is because of low self-esteem and if you can help her work on that issue, then the weight problem may become less of an issue.

I hope my advice helps... Good luck and just remember to always try to place yourself in your daughters shoes.

[jcash55]

I will give you my personal email address if you like so we can keep in touch and share off line.  I find this site difficult to work with

[jcash55]

see my comment below.  I meant to send this to you.  

[jcash55]

There has to  be something I/we do or say.  My daughter doesn't live at home and I get so upset and anxious when I see her.  She's now 24 years old and probably gained about 50 plus lbs.  Her legs are so large that her walk is off and so unattractive.  I don't say anything but always get angry when I see her and will say something to my husband when we're without her.  he supports her and tells me that he sees the things that are important.  Gaining that much weight and her health and appearance are important.  she's tried a lot of programs but nothing sees to work. I think she doesn't stick with it.  she had a physical and she is in good health.  this may sound terrible but I don't want to be around her because I get so upset with her.  She had a party at our house with friends during the summer and I couldn't believe she wear a bikini.  She weighs over 190lbs.  I see a therapist and she agrees that I shouldn't say anything but this and I'm not right.  THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING I CAN DO.   if you come up with it, please share.  

[Barb135]

We always have to be careful of hurting other people's feelings, but it's really not up to us to make anyone else lose weight.  When your daughter feels ready, she will do it on her own.  When she's ready, be there for her...  

[jcash55]

thank you for your advice.  I agree.  she had a physical not to long ago and everything was good.  She did start weight watchers shortly after that apt but it hasn't helped much. It's hard not to say anything. I can tell she isn't happy with herself.  she use to be a ham and now she doesn't like having her pictures taken, etc.  I just pray she gets  help and is happy with herself again.   she probably has to lose about 60 lbs.  I pray that I don't say anything and make her feel bad when I see her.  I tend to give her THESE looks.  Sometimes I'm ashamed of her appearance that I have to work on myself and my behavior too.  It's a work in progress for me.