Aa
The end of my life/ the begining of theirs
Ok here it goes. I have told a lot about myself so far. But not the begining of why I am messed up. Why I am mentally losing it day by day. Why I do not trust. What I have been holding in. I know it sounds like a story book. But this is no joke. No dream. It's you know where darkness in life is.
Facts; I was always different I felt. I became depressed when I was 10 years old because my classmates made fun of me. Also I had two best friends who I loved deeply. We would hang out and play and talk and we had a great time together. Also I thought of their mother like family. My mom was in the bed at that time. She was overprotective and wouldn't let me go outside. I began to be used to lounging about in the house. I loved my family. I never really was good at socializing. I was always a bit of a loner. But I didn't have anger issues or anything. I got to see my family only twice a year when I was a teen. So we were no longer close which made me sad. My mom got out of bed and was grouchy and took her anger out on dad and me. She yelled at me and called me names. She was vey angry from all that was bottled up inside. Later as I got older I disrespected her too a lot. I know it's wrong but I did. But no I didn't spend all my time being mad. But I had my parents my best friends and had no family problems.
The Right before: I guess things began to get out of wack when my dad grew sick. It all started then but I didnt know it yet. I was worried sick when he wasnt well. And when it happened so fast. One minute he was there the next he wasn't. And of course I didn't handle it well. I was in a daze. I panicked and was severly depressed. Anyone would be am I right.
Facts; I was always different I felt. I became depressed when I was 10 years old because my classmates made fun of me. Also I had two best friends who I loved deeply. We would hang out and play and talk and we had a great time together. Also I thought of their mother like family. My mom was in the bed at that time. She was overprotective and wouldn't let me go outside. I began to be used to lounging about in the house. I loved my family. I never really was good at socializing. I was always a bit of a loner. But I didn't have anger issues or anything. I got to see my family only twice a year when I was a teen. So we were no longer close which made me sad. My mom got out of bed and was grouchy and took her anger out on dad and me. She yelled at me and called me names. She was vey angry from all that was bottled up inside. Later as I got older I disrespected her too a lot. I know it's wrong but I did. But no I didn't spend all my time being mad. But I had my parents my best friends and had no family problems.
The Right before: I guess things began to get out of wack when my dad grew sick. It all started then but I didnt know it yet. I was worried sick when he wasnt well. And when it happened so fast. One minute he was there the next he wasn't. And of course I didn't handle it well. I was in a daze. I panicked and was severly depressed. Anyone would be am I right.
I've been the same since hospital. I think it is partly due to anxiety, etc though.
I work at home (when I work) and I don't get paid for my efforts. Not as in receiving a regular income. It proves to be a bit of a dilemma sometimes.
I enjoy the work (some of the time) but I hate feeling exploited or like I am stagnating. Granted that is no life and no future.
I work at home (when I work) and I don't get paid for my efforts. Not as in receiving a regular income. It proves to be a bit of a dilemma sometimes.
I enjoy the work (some of the time) but I hate feeling exploited or like I am stagnating. Granted that is no life and no future.
Well I had to origanally let go of that dream because I had to quit school. So that is when my dreams werew destroyed the 1st time. And since then anytime I get a new goal it gets destroyed like moving away to somewhere that will benifit me and my health and trying to get strong and do something. Not sure what then. But when we left that place cuz my aunt I feel like my brain stayed behind becuase I have gotten so messed up since then. And now I think even if my aunt didn't have control I can't learn new things. But she is in the picture and even if I could learn things and I got my GED and tried to get a job I don't want to have to work really hard on a job if I'm doing the labor and my aunt is getting paid. That aint fair I work hard and she does nothing and gets the paycheck and she will.
You're not hurting me. Perhaps only hurting yourself by keeping all this to yourself. Especially when it is such a burden to you.
I had other words for your aunt but I thought I should keep it kind of civil.
If you had options (beam the aunt to outer space for a moment) what would you choose? Did you not want to teach? Was someone pressuring you to do that?
If I could live my life all over without the dysfunction then I perhaps would have chosen to be a doctor. Not sure. Maybe I would have chosen something a little more adventurous. ??
Can you ask your therapist for guidance in how to get out of this mess? They might be able to see things you can't.
I feel the same. Every time I try to become more independent something will come up. If I had a good therapist then they would be better able to help. I am going to push for a new (qualified and experienced) T in the new year. I would recommend you use the system to your advantage. Be assertive and ask for what you need. Listen to others feedback though. Take what works for you, leave what doesn't.
I had other words for your aunt but I thought I should keep it kind of civil.
If you had options (beam the aunt to outer space for a moment) what would you choose? Did you not want to teach? Was someone pressuring you to do that?
If I could live my life all over without the dysfunction then I perhaps would have chosen to be a doctor. Not sure. Maybe I would have chosen something a little more adventurous. ??
Can you ask your therapist for guidance in how to get out of this mess? They might be able to see things you can't.
I feel the same. Every time I try to become more independent something will come up. If I had a good therapist then they would be better able to help. I am going to push for a new (qualified and experienced) T in the new year. I would recommend you use the system to your advantage. Be assertive and ask for what you need. Listen to others feedback though. Take what works for you, leave what doesn't.
No amylove we are not fighting. I did feel hurt over the post but I'm ok now. Anyway I love the part when you said stupid aunt it made me feel better hearing someone say it. I actually got a laugh out of that. I am frustrated with my life. I am sorry I feel so defeated but I can't help it. I just hope we can get the open door. Maybe it will help to get out of the house. I feel like these same four walls are closing in on me. It is really difficult. I know you want better for me but anything I do is for my aunt. I can't just forget about her. I wish I could. I try to. But I can't. I do feel like I belong to her. I mean I know I am me. I think so anyway. But she has so much control I just don't see how to help myself. And even if I try I am cursed to fail because everytime I try something to pick a path in life I am forced into one. I don't feel like I get to make my own choices cuz **** happens. Everytime. It is no joke. I don't see any fix in my life. I can't help but feel so defeated by everyone and everything. I'm sorry if I'm upsetting anyone. Maybe I should keep these thoughts to myself from now on. I don't want to hurt anyone.
No, we're not upset with each other. We're talking.
I think the problem was that I felt frustrated with myself and with innerchild for sounding so defeated. I want her to do well and it sounds like she's given up. I want her to do well for her and not for her stupid aunt (forgive my language). I know it is difficult for her to forget about her aunt when her aunt controls her money, etc but I want her to try for her so that one day she can be independent and tell her aunt to stuff off (to tell her how hurtful her actions have been).
I can understand how she feels about feeling powerless, etc. I know that change is hard. I think maybe I pushed too hard to fix her when I should be looking at myself and trying to fix me.
I think what has really happened though is that she feels exposed and vulnerable and withdrawing helps her to take back some control. When we put very personal things out there it can be really scary. I would be scared. Running away or not talking about it gives the person a sense of power. These are very primitive defense mechanisms that some people use. I use them.
I'm trying to be helpful but I think that my actions may have been viewed as me be critical of her. I'm not. I understand how important it is to feel accepted for who you are. I wasn't rejecting any part of her. Not the part that feels depressed or inadequate or worthless. Maybe my post read as a little rejecting though.
I think we're both OK? Innerchild?
I think the problem was that I felt frustrated with myself and with innerchild for sounding so defeated. I want her to do well and it sounds like she's given up. I want her to do well for her and not for her stupid aunt (forgive my language). I know it is difficult for her to forget about her aunt when her aunt controls her money, etc but I want her to try for her so that one day she can be independent and tell her aunt to stuff off (to tell her how hurtful her actions have been).
I can understand how she feels about feeling powerless, etc. I know that change is hard. I think maybe I pushed too hard to fix her when I should be looking at myself and trying to fix me.
I think what has really happened though is that she feels exposed and vulnerable and withdrawing helps her to take back some control. When we put very personal things out there it can be really scary. I would be scared. Running away or not talking about it gives the person a sense of power. These are very primitive defense mechanisms that some people use. I use them.
I'm trying to be helpful but I think that my actions may have been viewed as me be critical of her. I'm not. I understand how important it is to feel accepted for who you are. I wasn't rejecting any part of her. Not the part that feels depressed or inadequate or worthless. Maybe my post read as a little rejecting though.
I think we're both OK? Innerchild?
What is going on? I been gone for a day and I'm like totally lost. Are you guys upset with each other? I don't know. I hope you guys work out your lives. And I say forget your aunt. You do what you wanna do. Don't let your aunt stop you frome living.
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