Aa
The end of my life/ the begining of theirs
Ok here it goes. I have told a lot about myself so far. But not the begining of why I am messed up. Why I am mentally losing it day by day. Why I do not trust. What I have been holding in. I know it sounds like a story book. But this is no joke. No dream. It's you know where darkness in life is.
Facts; I was always different I felt. I became depressed when I was 10 years old because my classmates made fun of me. Also I had two best friends who I loved deeply. We would hang out and play and talk and we had a great time together. Also I thought of their mother like family. My mom was in the bed at that time. She was overprotective and wouldn't let me go outside. I began to be used to lounging about in the house. I loved my family. I never really was good at socializing. I was always a bit of a loner. But I didn't have anger issues or anything. I got to see my family only twice a year when I was a teen. So we were no longer close which made me sad. My mom got out of bed and was grouchy and took her anger out on dad and me. She yelled at me and called me names. She was vey angry from all that was bottled up inside. Later as I got older I disrespected her too a lot. I know it's wrong but I did. But no I didn't spend all my time being mad. But I had my parents my best friends and had no family problems.
The Right before: I guess things began to get out of wack when my dad grew sick. It all started then but I didnt know it yet. I was worried sick when he wasnt well. And when it happened so fast. One minute he was there the next he wasn't. And of course I didn't handle it well. I was in a daze. I panicked and was severly depressed. Anyone would be am I right.
Facts; I was always different I felt. I became depressed when I was 10 years old because my classmates made fun of me. Also I had two best friends who I loved deeply. We would hang out and play and talk and we had a great time together. Also I thought of their mother like family. My mom was in the bed at that time. She was overprotective and wouldn't let me go outside. I began to be used to lounging about in the house. I loved my family. I never really was good at socializing. I was always a bit of a loner. But I didn't have anger issues or anything. I got to see my family only twice a year when I was a teen. So we were no longer close which made me sad. My mom got out of bed and was grouchy and took her anger out on dad and me. She yelled at me and called me names. She was vey angry from all that was bottled up inside. Later as I got older I disrespected her too a lot. I know it's wrong but I did. But no I didn't spend all my time being mad. But I had my parents my best friends and had no family problems.
The Right before: I guess things began to get out of wack when my dad grew sick. It all started then but I didnt know it yet. I was worried sick when he wasnt well. And when it happened so fast. One minute he was there the next he wasn't. And of course I didn't handle it well. I was in a daze. I panicked and was severly depressed. Anyone would be am I right.
I have talked about it. It don't matter anymore it's to late. I'll never get my money back. I'm doomed to be controled by my aunt for the rest of my life. When mom is gone I think I'll be put in a home which has now become my worst fear both put in a home and loosing my mom. I'm pretty sure my aunt would rather put me away then have to help me out. I just dont want to live anymore. I know she won't help. She would have to take me places and buy me food and pay my bills. Make appointments for me. She won't help I know. She wouldn't even take me to the doctors when I was having a big problem. I ended up in the emergancy because they thought it could be serios. Luckily it wasn't as serios as they thought, but it could have been life threating. You don't know. Yet one of her friends asked to be picked up (same day as I was taken to the hospital by ambulance/day we asked her to help) and she happily went to take that friend somewhere. So we had to pay a lot of money to take a cab back home. If I get put in a home I'll probably be in a daze for the rest of my life. And I'll have to live with a bunch of strangers who are mentally challenged or mentally unhealthy probably worse and unable to communicate normally. Cuz I think mainly people who are so messed up there is nothing they can do live there and I am messed up but I'm still here broken and lost I may be but my mind still functions for the most part. Sorry to be dumping this on all of you but this is what I think about all the time expecially when my mom took that pill.
You should speak to your therapist. Tell him how you really feel.
Surely if you're competent you're old enough to manage your own money.
Surely if you're competent you're old enough to manage your own money.
Thanks for the post. I'm glad you understand. I'm doing somewhat better today. Been absorbed on the computer and haven't been sulking in reality. I don't know if I'm in that danger zone or not but I don't even think I care. Pretty bad huh. I can't help the way I feel. My life is ruined anyway. Well anyway going back on to chat on that website. I hope to hear from you two agian. Talk later.
That really isn't fair. She has your money and stuff but you should be allowd to move where you want to. I'm sorry but thats bull****. She don't have it over you right? Cuz if she does I see how she could have say but still your an adult. If you and your mom want to move you should be allowed to. And I see why you resent her. That wasn't nice to say that to you. She is your family and if you need help she should be willing to help expecially if she has that much control in your life. I see why you are angry. I mean I don't know if you can handle your assets or not but if she is going to take care of it she needs to do what is best for you and that means helping you. Well I hope you feel better soon. I am so tired right now but I am having trouble slepping. I hate that. Well I'll probably be up for awhile. Think I'll watch some tv.
No she is getting my check every month if I get disability. This alowance thing would be from that money but I may not even get any stypens. So I may have to go to court to try to get a little bit of my check if I get aproved. But she will get all of the check if I don't get awarded any of it. If she gets all of it I'll have to pretty much groval for some money. Like a dog. No I don't want to be like that greedy selfish cold fish. You know what she told me once. It was before she was allowd to keep the money but it was after she stole it. She told me, "If you run out of money don't show up on our doorstep." meaning hers or her fathers. See that is exactly why I don't want her to have it. Unfortantly I think it's to late unless mom can get it instead but that aint gonna happen cuz mom has mental illness and my aunt dont. Unfortantly they are making sure that we can't leave. Like mom and I really want to move away. We hate it here now. We just want a fresh start somewhere else but they won't let us. It's not fair. 1st they take from me. Then they are rewarded. And then it isn't just the money they want control over. It's us as well. They don't want us to be happy and live somewhere else. They wanna keep us trapped here like rats. We have no say where we live or what we do. Honestly I feel like the only way I will ever be happy is to die. Then I won't have to be a prisoner no more. I hate my life and I dread waking up. This is why I spend all my time trying to escape reality in my mind cuz I can't physically get out of this mess. And I admit I tried doing what mom did when she was severly depressed the 1st time. I tried to just lay my life away but it just wasn't for me. My body would cramp up after a few days in the bed. I didn't sleep much. It didn't help me escape. I still thought about the problems and how life is terrible. But it didn't work for me. I know maybe I shouldn't be doing what I am doing. My counciler said that imagination and stuff can be good but that there is a line that can be past that. I don't know if he ment like believing that fantisies are real and not reality. I'm not sure. He don't think I'm there or anything but he kinda warned me about it. But if I don't do this I will go into a daze for who knows how long like I did when dad died and when I 1st came back to this state and moved in with my ex friend not the users but she kicked me out. So she ain't much better. And I can't change anything so I just try not to think about my life. As soon as I get out of doing there things to keep occupied and I think I become severly depressed. I mean I always get depressed but it gets bad. And I don't know if moving would fix everything. I doubt it would, but it would help because it felt right when I was there. And I really loved it there. And it ain't fair that we can't even be where we want to be. I mean they got what they wanted. The money. Why do they have to stop mom and me from living too.
You're welcome! If you really think about it you don't judge us either.
It never is easy disclosing sensitive material. I find it easier over the net. The same is probably true for many others.
Can't you contest that? Surely your disability payments should be going to you.
It sounds like your inner child is stomping her foot and standing her ground. What of how she feels isn't being validated? Setting goals and making plans does not mean that what happened is OK or that you've accepted it or moved past it. It means it happened but lets do what we can with what we have now. Dr Gould would say it's about looking at reality. Take what you have now not what you did have (back then). The same applies to me and ... well everyone really. We can't change the past but we can change now.
But it is doing that that is going to keep you nuts.
I'm in the same situation. No money, no skills, etc, etc. Avoiding or doing the same thing doesn't change anything. Only makes you feel more depressed, hopeless, helpless and desperate.
Would that allowance you talk about cover rent, food, power, etc? If it does then forget your aunt. You don't need her, you don't want to become like her (or at least I hope you don't). It's easier said than done though.
Is there a residential program you could enroll in? Maybe even an intensive inpatient program to help you build skills and stuff? I only ask because these are things I have considered for myself at some point. I think if we do anything it needs to be pretty intensive to help facilitate positive change.
It never is easy disclosing sensitive material. I find it easier over the net. The same is probably true for many others.
Can't you contest that? Surely your disability payments should be going to you.
It sounds like your inner child is stomping her foot and standing her ground. What of how she feels isn't being validated? Setting goals and making plans does not mean that what happened is OK or that you've accepted it or moved past it. It means it happened but lets do what we can with what we have now. Dr Gould would say it's about looking at reality. Take what you have now not what you did have (back then). The same applies to me and ... well everyone really. We can't change the past but we can change now.
But it is doing that that is going to keep you nuts.
I'm in the same situation. No money, no skills, etc, etc. Avoiding or doing the same thing doesn't change anything. Only makes you feel more depressed, hopeless, helpless and desperate.
Would that allowance you talk about cover rent, food, power, etc? If it does then forget your aunt. You don't need her, you don't want to become like her (or at least I hope you don't). It's easier said than done though.
Is there a residential program you could enroll in? Maybe even an intensive inpatient program to help you build skills and stuff? I only ask because these are things I have considered for myself at some point. I think if we do anything it needs to be pretty intensive to help facilitate positive change.
You must join this user group in order to participate in this discussion.
You are reading content posted in the mental health chats Group
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
