First, I get you. It took a drug reaction to get me to where you are and growing old, though. The reality of life is if you're still breathing you're winning. Life just is. It's not a contest. People have turned it into a contest with this completely artificial life we've built with our civilization, but real life is finding food, shelter and clothing and water, and consuming it and everything else we made up. When you see a bird outside your window, do you think of it as winning or losing or do you just think of it as being alive and that is enough? So that's reality. But humans have a cerebrum and it can drive us nuts or drive us to make beautiful music and it makes all of us different from one another in what we truly want. If you let people down, unless you've done some really awful things to other people that's their judgment you're buying into, not reality. They probably don't actually spend that much time thinking about you at all in that way. I realize you have a problem with medication, and that's healthy, but if therapy isn't working and you really do think about suicide, it might be time to give medication a better try. Make sure your psychologist is really doing something more than just chatting -- if that's all that's going on, find another one. Nobody can guarantee this will go away, but if you don't try to fix it it won't get fixed.