anxious over doubts of paternity need some reassurance please help

[Missconfused2121]

This is a long one and so much info so bare with me and if anyone gets to end thanks for even reading.
My anxiety I driving me crazy to the point I can’t eat or sleep.
I came across this community and everyone seems so friendly and non judgemental I haven’t told my situation to anyone so here goes…
Been with my partner for 8 years we have been trying for a baby and had a misscarage last March things had been tough was going through a rough time. He work away and while he was I made the biggest mistake of my life and had sex with someone 16th July. This would have been around ovulation time. I was really drunk and regretted it so much but selfishly didn’t tell my partner as it would break us. He said he used protection but I was so drunk can’t be due had blood work 21st July for fertility reasons
Came back had defo ovulated and that my prolactin was raised I started to worry if this was a sign of pregnancy I did a test on 1st august 3rd august and 17th august all negative.

Period only lasted one day on 30th July have had short periods and not totally unusual for me but not for a while
But I know I defo ovulated so would expect a normal period


Had sex when I should be ovulating got a positive digital opk on 10th august (no negative ones) and unprotected sex from this date for the next 5 days with my partner
I took a sensitive digi test around 9dpo (supposedly) and got a positive

Had some bleeding and because of previous misscaraige in March I had early scan at just over 5 week showed yoke sack no heartbeat
Went back 2 weeks later fetus showed 7wk 3 days with heartbeat and got put on progrstron and again 9 weeks and 12 weeks
All corresponding within -+ 2 days
EDD early ones 5/6th May official due date 12 week scan gave 4th May
Had growth scans late on and measured a bit ahead.

I know everything that all lined up for me but this is where I have doubt
My wee boy is 6 month old everyone says can’t see his dad in him at all,
The mr wrong guy is tall with curly red hair my son has a tint of ginger. I am strawberry blonde and my partner has ginger in his beared so brushed that off
But now his hair is starting to wave and look like going curly me and partner have straight hair and have read curly is dominant so we can’t carry that gene so I’m really starting to freak out , he’s also measuring tall and we are both average hight.and down so many rabbit holes I’m making myself Ill and effecting the way I look at my son which is killing me more than anything

I also keep seeing in mum forums mums who are convinced they didn’t conceive the cycle they get pregnant and are adamant early scan is +3 weeks wrong

Been driving myself crazy with scenarios
1. I was pregnant in April and was doomed for fail and a miscarriage therefore the slow heartbeat but progesterone helped baby survive and grow as normal
And I have heard of ovulation kits showing positive if infact pregnant maybe there was a small amount of hcg not enough to show on a test

Second I was reading about a rare phenomenon called embryonic diapause about delayed implantation and there have been some studies that suggest could occur in humans and hormone prolactin could cause this I know sounds so silly when said out loud but was wondering if anyone has ever looked into anything like this and can rubbish it for me

Baby was born on due date but was so big nails long ect and had a little dry skin
I always get told how advanced he is for his age was so alert from day one which makes me also fear he’s a month older than he is

I also got blood test at 12 weeks showing I was high risk for down syndrome one of the reasons my hcg was high which makes me wonder if this is because pregnancy started earlier

I know looks like looking too much into this but have no one to talk to and this would destroy our world if came out and break my partner he’s such a good dad
I feel like this is on my mind 24/7 and ruining my life and ruining precious times with my little boy it’s horrible
I know I deserve the self torture but it’s not fair on him

I’m sorry this is a lot but I’m so desperate someone to speak to had to get it all out
Thanks in advance for reading

Ps a paternity is out of question as have no touch with mistake guy one night stand and could never ask my partner it would wreck our family and tbh I’m too scared of there is even the slightest chance

Thanks so much for reading was nice just to get it all out my head

[RockRose]

Your original due date,  based on a 5+ week scan,  and then your follow up scan two weeks later showed 7 weeks 3 days,  are very,  very telling.   Those show you conceived around Aug. 12.  A conception around a month prior is out of the question,  based on those scans.  

You did not conceive from the one night stand guy.  

Enjoy your baby,  and your life!

[Missconfused2121]

Thank you so much xx

[AnnieBrooke]

Two straight-haired parents can have a curly-haired child. A lot of different genes, not just one, cause the hair to be curly, straight or wavy.

I read the article that you sent the reference to me about, on embryonic diapause. It is a good example of a doctor getting an enticing idea and ignoring contrary explanations. What they described were three women who had assisted reproduction (IVF or ICSI) and then were pregnant later, but too late for the assisted-reproduction cycle to be responsible. The doctors interpreted this as, the embryo was from the assisted-reproduction cycle but had just delayed in its development. However, the article didn't go into whether the couple had sex again after being told the IVF had failed. A common phenomenon in both miscarriage and uterine biopsy is that the woman gets pregnant right away after it, like if the uterus is messed with, it makes it more possible to get pregnant. An IVF or ICSI cycle also affects the uterus and the hormones, which might cause a woman to ovulate immediately. I didn't see in the article whether they even asked if the woman and her husband had had sex after the failed cycle, let alone got convincing proofs. (And even if they had, self-reporting weeks later about the dates of having sex can be incorrect due to not being able to remember.) It sounds more like the women just got pregnant naturally right after the assisted-reproduction cycles. Embryonic diapause has never been proven to happen in humans.

My suggestion to you is to get with a therapist and address your panic and guilt. It sounds like you've been overlooking the most important thing, which is that you have a lovely son and are lucky to have him. There are women who have written in about infertility who would change places with you immediately and be joyous to do it. Tell your partner that you're having problems with post-partum issues and see a counselor. Good luck!

[AnnieBrooke]

I've often posted the following, and will do it again for you so you can go into some of these things with your counselor. They obviously don't all apply to any one person but you might see something there that you recognize and can work with.

_____

A woman who doesn't really have a paternity problem might still have anxiety that settles on paternity because it's easier than deeper issues she is anxious about. She might even know deep down that there is no question, but keeps obsessing over it anyway. There are several other things that can be the real issue.

She might be ruled by guilt or shame for having slept with the wrong guy. She might be catastrophizing the consequences unrealistically ("If my partner found out I had sex with someone else, my whole life will end"). She could be worried she won't be a good mother. (Moms with lots of kids also could be feeling ashamed that they didn't really want more.) She might wish the guy who is the father isn't. She might be devout and feel God will punish her. She might be ashamed of being unmarried and a mom. The biggest anxiety is often the fear she won't be able to manage financially -- she can't see any way to take care of the baby except by pleasing the father, and feels he would not be understanding about her lapse.

In face of this kind of deep-down anxiety that's almost subconscious, obsessing about paternity is much easier. The brain hates being in constant stress, so settles on a worry that might not have any basis in fact, but at least doesn't require facing issues that are hard to solve. Unfortunately, in such a situation, getting an answer about paternity doesn't help, because despite paternity being the problem the woman has settled on to worry about, it isn't really the reason for her distress. Address the real concerns, and illogical worries about paternity will fade away.

[Missconfused2121]

Thank you so much Annie for you firm honest advice and to take the time to thoroughly nonsense my crazy ideas.
I hope I haven’t made any other women anxious with these thoughts it’s just me being a massive over thinker riddled with guilt and totally paranoid.
I’m going to take Annie’s advice and seek counselling for my little boys sake. And you are right I am so incredibly lucky to have him he’s amazing.
Thank you once again xx