Aa
husband and cocaine
Hello. I'm worried about my husband. We've been married for 7 years and have two small kids. Last week I found cocaine on my desk while i was working. Obviously he was so sloppy while using he forgot to clean up after himself. I do know what night he took the drug, because my son woke up around 1am and i noticed my husband was in the office on the computer. I was surprised he was up so late and thought it was odd at the time but didn't put 2 and 2 together until i found it the next day.
I had no clue he was still doing coke. I do know years ago he had dabbled in it but I never saw signs of problems with him, he never ever brought the stuff around me. Now that i've found this stuff I fear he's doing it behind my back and knows how to manage it without me knowing. That scares me to death and also makes me feel that I really don't know him as well as I thought. He said its only been this one time recently that he was tempted to do it but for some reason I don't believe him. Are there any signs that I can look out for to give me more clues as to if he's using this often? I don't know what to look for other than sniffy nose or staying up/not sleeping. I need advice on this one. I've never touched cocaine and don't know what to look for. Do some people occassionally do this stuff once a year or is that impossible?
I had no clue he was still doing coke. I do know years ago he had dabbled in it but I never saw signs of problems with him, he never ever brought the stuff around me. Now that i've found this stuff I fear he's doing it behind my back and knows how to manage it without me knowing. That scares me to death and also makes me feel that I really don't know him as well as I thought. He said its only been this one time recently that he was tempted to do it but for some reason I don't believe him. Are there any signs that I can look out for to give me more clues as to if he's using this often? I don't know what to look for other than sniffy nose or staying up/not sleeping. I need advice on this one. I've never touched cocaine and don't know what to look for. Do some people occassionally do this stuff once a year or is that impossible?
For me, If I was you? Afrin nasal stuff. nasal cleanser, up late hours, as U have caught on to, eating habbits, depression, irritability and if not look for Valume or any kind of uppers or downer pills(helps w/ come down). Look up his nose and see if he is uncomfotable!? Ask alot of uncomfortable questions, analyse the reaction.
Goodluck,
Choo
Goodluck,
Choo
Hey...I feel for ya, I really do. My ex was a crack-addict, a very bad one.
He never did it at home, though..believe it or not...he'd get paid on Friday..and come home for a few minutes, drop off money(if I was lucky) and be gone for days...til the cash was gone. This went on for years..and it got worse and worse. I tried EVERYTHING....I begged, I pleaded...he just didn't care.
Then, he got abusive..really abusive. Once, He put my head through the driver's side window while I was doing 70mph on I90/tollway cuz I wouldn't give him the $20 I had in my pocket that I got for my birthday from my gramma.
EVEN then...I thought to myself: "he's my husband, for better or worse..we have children together..." so I STILL stuck it out and tried to make our marriage work. Well, lemme tell ya what finally ended it all, this happened about 3 days after he put my head into the window........
It was a friday night, about 10pm..me and the kids were up watching TV, I let them stay up late cuz it was Friday and Jesse(my ex) was gone, he'd been gone for 2 days by this time so I figured, nice night to just spend quietly with the kids. BOY, was I WRONG on that one.
We were sitting in the living room, and all the sudden the front door got KICKED in..and 2 of the biggest black guys you ever saw walked into my living room...the first one said: "WHERE IS JESSE????!!!!" While the 2nd one just looked at me.
I said: "he's not here..hasn't been here in 2 days...' and I am looking for the cordless phone, before it hit me that the phone was shut OFF cuz my ex didn't pay the phone bill, he spent all the money on crack.
SO this guy said to me: "well, that mother ******* just jacked us for 200.00 woth of crack, and we want our money!!!!!"
Well, of course, I didnt have any money.....by now, the kids are petrified, and so was I. I calmly told them "I don't have any money, he leaves me here constantly and takes all the money, I don't even have diapers right now for our child, my mom is bringing some over tomorrow".
THEN, he says: "well, we'll just take what he owes us out of YOU."
BY now...I am thinking to myself: "this is NOT happening...."
Then, the 2nd dude speaks up, finally, and says: "NO, she ain't got nothin' to do with this..she doesn't smoke rock, she had nothin to do with this, leave her alone...."
I felt my knees go weak from relief......then, finally they left.
AND DO DID ME AND THE KIDS. THAT night....with the clothes on our backs, some personal items in garbage bags...we drove on FUMES to my mom's house......and the next day I got a restraining order on my ex.....then started divorce proceedings immediately. We were divorced, uncontestedly, 6months later.
Then, a year later...I met and married a great guy....and we had 2 babies together, along with the 4 kids I had from my ex.....my hubby is a father to ALL the kids and was a blessing I never thought I would recieve.
THe point I am trying to make to you is this:
DO NOT WAIT til it gets that bad......I let it go on, thinking if I was just a better wife, a better mom, a better housekeeper, ETC,,,that he would change and stop. But it took me a long time to realize, it wasn't about ME, it was about HIM..and I was really an enabler cuz I did nothing about it. I SHOULD have done more, demanded he stop, left him earlier....ya know? But I didn't. And look how bad it got for me.
Don't let that happen to YOU, do something NOW.....confront him, give him an ultimatum...DO SOMETHING is what I am trying to tell you.
AND never think what happened to ME won't happen to YOU. That was my mistake. I never, ever in a million years would have thought that would happen. But it did.
Please, be careful....and do something NOW.
Sorry so long.....but I felt compelled to tell you my story.....I hope it will help you in the long run.
Jennifer
He never did it at home, though..believe it or not...he'd get paid on Friday..and come home for a few minutes, drop off money(if I was lucky) and be gone for days...til the cash was gone. This went on for years..and it got worse and worse. I tried EVERYTHING....I begged, I pleaded...he just didn't care.
Then, he got abusive..really abusive. Once, He put my head through the driver's side window while I was doing 70mph on I90/tollway cuz I wouldn't give him the $20 I had in my pocket that I got for my birthday from my gramma.
EVEN then...I thought to myself: "he's my husband, for better or worse..we have children together..." so I STILL stuck it out and tried to make our marriage work. Well, lemme tell ya what finally ended it all, this happened about 3 days after he put my head into the window........
It was a friday night, about 10pm..me and the kids were up watching TV, I let them stay up late cuz it was Friday and Jesse(my ex) was gone, he'd been gone for 2 days by this time so I figured, nice night to just spend quietly with the kids. BOY, was I WRONG on that one.
We were sitting in the living room, and all the sudden the front door got KICKED in..and 2 of the biggest black guys you ever saw walked into my living room...the first one said: "WHERE IS JESSE????!!!!" While the 2nd one just looked at me.
I said: "he's not here..hasn't been here in 2 days...' and I am looking for the cordless phone, before it hit me that the phone was shut OFF cuz my ex didn't pay the phone bill, he spent all the money on crack.
SO this guy said to me: "well, that mother ******* just jacked us for 200.00 woth of crack, and we want our money!!!!!"
Well, of course, I didnt have any money.....by now, the kids are petrified, and so was I. I calmly told them "I don't have any money, he leaves me here constantly and takes all the money, I don't even have diapers right now for our child, my mom is bringing some over tomorrow".
THEN, he says: "well, we'll just take what he owes us out of YOU."
BY now...I am thinking to myself: "this is NOT happening...."
Then, the 2nd dude speaks up, finally, and says: "NO, she ain't got nothin' to do with this..she doesn't smoke rock, she had nothin to do with this, leave her alone...."
I felt my knees go weak from relief......then, finally they left.
AND DO DID ME AND THE KIDS. THAT night....with the clothes on our backs, some personal items in garbage bags...we drove on FUMES to my mom's house......and the next day I got a restraining order on my ex.....then started divorce proceedings immediately. We were divorced, uncontestedly, 6months later.
Then, a year later...I met and married a great guy....and we had 2 babies together, along with the 4 kids I had from my ex.....my hubby is a father to ALL the kids and was a blessing I never thought I would recieve.
THe point I am trying to make to you is this:
DO NOT WAIT til it gets that bad......I let it go on, thinking if I was just a better wife, a better mom, a better housekeeper, ETC,,,that he would change and stop. But it took me a long time to realize, it wasn't about ME, it was about HIM..and I was really an enabler cuz I did nothing about it. I SHOULD have done more, demanded he stop, left him earlier....ya know? But I didn't. And look how bad it got for me.
Don't let that happen to YOU, do something NOW.....confront him, give him an ultimatum...DO SOMETHING is what I am trying to tell you.
AND never think what happened to ME won't happen to YOU. That was my mistake. I never, ever in a million years would have thought that would happen. But it did.
Please, be careful....and do something NOW.
Sorry so long.....but I felt compelled to tell you my story.....I hope it will help you in the long run.
Jennifer
Hello,
Welcome to the forum. I hope we can help shed some light on your situation.
Based on my experience as a recovering addict (of numerous substances), by the time an addict gets "sloppy" around his/her using, you can bet they've been doing it consistently for awhile and are most likely using large amounts. I'm sorry to report this, but usually that's the case.
Another stark fact: Lying is a natural action for active addicts. Easier said than done, but don't take it personally, hon. It is the nature of the disease of addiction for addicts to lie. Try to remember, It's not your husband speaking, it's the drugs. Underneath the coke, I'm sure he's a wonderful man. He has good intentions, but if he's in throughs of addiciton, his obsession and compulsion for using will most likely trump anything and everything in his life regardless of these intentions.
Unfortunately without many consequences in our lives, most of us are unwilling to quit. Addiction is very, very powerful, and one must have a huge desire to quit before any steps toward recovery is possible.
That said, when your husband decides to get honest with you is the day the he has a shift that results in his first move toward dealing with his addiciton. Until then, you may want to seek out the support of Al Anon. Many of the folks that participate in this 12-step program are in relationships with active addicts. The message in those rooms is (generally) this: You have absolutely ZERO control over your husband's actions, but you CAN tke care of yourself through this trying time. Many people come into this program with thoughts like "If he loved me, he'd quit" and discover that in the face of addiciton, Love means very little. It's that powerful.
I wish I had more uplifting news, but I'm sorry I do not.
Warmest Regards,
--Athena
Welcome to the forum. I hope we can help shed some light on your situation.
Based on my experience as a recovering addict (of numerous substances), by the time an addict gets "sloppy" around his/her using, you can bet they've been doing it consistently for awhile and are most likely using large amounts. I'm sorry to report this, but usually that's the case.
Another stark fact: Lying is a natural action for active addicts. Easier said than done, but don't take it personally, hon. It is the nature of the disease of addiction for addicts to lie. Try to remember, It's not your husband speaking, it's the drugs. Underneath the coke, I'm sure he's a wonderful man. He has good intentions, but if he's in throughs of addiciton, his obsession and compulsion for using will most likely trump anything and everything in his life regardless of these intentions.
Unfortunately without many consequences in our lives, most of us are unwilling to quit. Addiction is very, very powerful, and one must have a huge desire to quit before any steps toward recovery is possible.
That said, when your husband decides to get honest with you is the day the he has a shift that results in his first move toward dealing with his addiciton. Until then, you may want to seek out the support of Al Anon. Many of the folks that participate in this 12-step program are in relationships with active addicts. The message in those rooms is (generally) this: You have absolutely ZERO control over your husband's actions, but you CAN tke care of yourself through this trying time. Many people come into this program with thoughts like "If he loved me, he'd quit" and discover that in the face of addiciton, Love means very little. It's that powerful.
I wish I had more uplifting news, but I'm sorry I do not.
Warmest Regards,
--Athena
hi, its easy to tell people what to do but i know this drugs took every thing in life i loved the most its 10 years later and i still pay every day of my life. my x used to say to me just talk to me, (just talk to me). please try talking to him.put him on line and i will tell him what my drug of choise did to me .Just a little at a time,every once in awhile.
I am in about the same situation. It seems it has been going on for almost a year now. I am trying to find him some help right now. I also tried begging him and makeing him feel bad and all that stuff but it dont work. The drug is too powerful. He'll be fine until he gets around another addict and leaves with them. Because of this problem we have nothing but our son. He buys the diapers and everything our son needs but we cant get up on our own because of this drug. We have been together for 4 years and I am still intending on helping him. I have felt like giving up on him but something keeps telling me not to there's still hope. And I do believe there is. I'm still here for him but he is off doing it again now. So I am taking it up a notch and try getting him in rehab. YOu know the in patient and when he gets out hopefully I'll have us a place away from everyone we know. Start off new. And that will help a great deal too I think. Never say that he dont care about anyone but the drug because they do. I can tell he loves us to death and is trying it's just when them people come around the urge gets to him and he just dont think straight. I still have faith in him and I know he can still make it out of this. We just need to get him help and more importantly get him away from here. YOu never really know anything about the drug until you find out your loved one does it and then you find out its EVERYWHERE. Before he got on the drug I didnt even know what crack cocaine was. And then just like that the **** is everywhere. As for someone who has been doing it for 15 years I can't really say that there's any help left for them. But with just barely touching a year and being only 18 theres still alot more hope. I love this person with all my heart. Just about as much as I love our son and I can't just leave him and see him getting worse. I have read up on crack cocaine and the affects of it. I know now that they go through depression as one of the withdrawels and it makes me sad. Because I never even noticed it. I have cried more today reading up on it than I've cried in a long time. I WON'T give up on him. I refuse to. He is my life as well as our son is. And I can't picture life without him. I WILL get him help and the most important thing in getting them help as I have come to realize is getting away from everyone we know. He has also said the same thing. And if he's in rehab I can save up my money and get us away from here. Because with him out and about that would never work. I will hopefully let you guys now the turn out in a few months or so. Wish me luck! I always like new people to talk to about this stuff it helps me a little bit so if anyone wants to email me or anything my address is ***@****
How do I know for sure my boyfriend of 3 years is using? We recently moved (in a hurry) to a city far from his family. He said he wanted a new start for us. He has constantly lied to me and when I catch him in the lie he denies everything that i know is the truth. I know there is something majorily different with him and he has been to jail for cocaine use and went to a S.C.O.R.E. program for 6 months. I met him when he got out and he was so loving and gentle. Now he just says that he has changed. He wasn't coming home till 4 or 5 in the morning and then getting up at 10am and going to work and out all day and night again. He is constantly going. I have caught him with 3 other women and he denies it. He has never cheated on me before. I have never been around people on drugs I don't know if the cocaine has taken him back or if he just truly is unhappy in the relationship. He is talking about moving out now. When he is home - I never see him eat anymore - he says that he had a big lunch at work and not hungry. It's like he is possessed now.
1 Comments
Why are you still with him. Go to all anon or co dependent anonymous and get the strength to get out of this destructive relationship. If you stay be ready to deal with a lifetime of what you described....he will never change. You sound miserable. You owe him NOTHING. Save yourself and any children you have and get out. If you don't have kids yet don't have them with this infant you already are taking care of. Read others stories. It never ends he won't change. You have to take care if yourself and move on.
I have split form my husband 6 months ago because of his cocaine addiction and the behaviour that went along with that. We had been together 12 years and married for 6 and have a 3 year old son. I never thought the day would come where I would actually have the balls to stand up and tell him to go and he knew that too and played on my forgiving good nature and the fact I loved him sooooo much. He wasn't bad all the time and never physically abusive which is what made it worse, I would just start to trust him and once again he would let us down. Steal money from the bank account (in the end I slept with the card under my pillow) sold our video camera, digital camera, other family members possesions.....These things would happen one at a time, each time I found out I would confront him and each time he would break down go to the doctors say he wanted help and then never follow it through. Our marriage turned into this cycle over and over promises that things would work out. I put up with these things and kept them to myself as much as i could. The other thing that got to me was that he was just so unreliable saying he would go for a quick drink after work (he always held down his job) and then not come home. The amount of times I sat up crying wating for him to come in Urgh! In the end I just had enough, I looked at my friends relationships and looked at my own, all of the things that went on were not Normal behaviour and things were not changing or getting better and I just thought would I be happier living with him like this or living on my own. One day we had a row and he said "you're too good for me I should just go" (a sentence that he said nearly everytime we had a row and normally I would beg him to sort it out and get well and stay with me) and I said "you know what I think you should." He is now living in a flat share with another guy he sees our son occasionally and me and my son are getting on with our lives. Of course I was upset but nothing like I was when he was at home. I actually felt relief that I didnt have to worry about him constantly. He still goes up and down, one minute he is saying he is doing well and is over me and the next he wants us to try again. One day he looks well another time I see him he looks awful. This is very hard but I know I have made the right desision and will not go back on it. I dont think you can ever tell anyone to get out of a relationship but hopefully there comes the day that you say enough is enough, you cannot change them or make them better even by PUTTING them into rehab, they have to really want to do it for themselves. I also believe there is no point trying to analyse what is going on in an addicts head because you just cant understand it. I always thought if you loved me youd stop if you loved our son youd stop. I do think he loves us both but the addiction makes him a selfish liar and drugs come first. Anyway life goes on I have met a nice guy and we are taking things very slowly. I find it hard to trust people now because I have been lied to so many times but life is sooo much better now than it was before. Good luck to all those people in a relationship with an addict....dont waste your lives worry about them and trying to help them..worry about yourself and help yourself and your kids if you have any. Sorry might sound a bit harsh but thats the way I feel.
1 Comments
Stay strong. You did the right thing for you and your son. Believe in yourself.get support fr all anon or co dependent anonymous. Sorry you still have to deal with him because of your son and that your son still has to see his daddy.
Hi my husband introduced me to coke 3 mos ago.
Now looking back i realize that was so he could do his habit without feeling as guilty.we have two kids and he is up late and gets really moody.
i after 3 mos quit cold turkey.. he is now alone in his disease.
And i am sure he wishes i still did it.
before i never knew what signs to look for now that i have done it i now know the sighns.
up late,moody,nasl spray is his companion.
That is a real sign!!!
hope to have shed a little light for you?
D
Now looking back i realize that was so he could do his habit without feeling as guilty.we have two kids and he is up late and gets really moody.
i after 3 mos quit cold turkey.. he is now alone in his disease.
And i am sure he wishes i still did it.
before i never knew what signs to look for now that i have done it i now know the sighns.
up late,moody,nasl spray is his companion.
That is a real sign!!!
hope to have shed a little light for you?
D
I am in the same situation. I would love to know what I can do. The difference, my husband is always providing for us, he has his own business, he always gets me everything I need/want. But he lies. I know every symptom and sign, and he still lies! UGH! Help. How can I leave someone who only goes through this once a week, maybe twice if it's 'one of those weeks.' But it's not every night. It's not even EVERY weekend. But I am so tired of the lying and deceit.
1 Comments
The lying and deceit will never stop. Neither will the addiction. It will get worse. You can stay and be miserable and mistrustful and have your feeling manipulated by this person or get out grow up grow strong and be happy.
Frustrated404, you need to do 2 things. First, confront him. I guarantee you he's not using just once/week or less, my guess is that it's at least every other day if not almost every day. Cocaine is expensive, many businesses have essentially gone up the owner's nose because it leads to poor performance, sloppy work, and large sums of $ being spent. It also tends to put you around less than desirable people on a regular basis. You know that he lies to you, probably on a regular basis. What does he lie about? Is he cheating on you? Is he hiding his spending from you? Is he in charge of all the finances? If so, you need to be diligent in trying to assess your financial picture. Credit cards may start to get maxed out, maybe a 2nd mortgage on the house, new CC's may show up, etc....
I am going through something similar. I have been married for over 3 years, together with her for 8. I had herniated discs in my back, 3 unsuccessful surgeries, and a nasty 2 year battle with pain meds. I took percocet, oxycontin, vicodin, etc... for pain for the past 2 years. It was legit, doctors scripts and paid by insurance and the pain was real. I got hooked, and became distant and aloof. I ignored my wife, I stopped being social, I became lazy around the house. Her and I both work full time, I'm a professional for a big corporation and she's a teacher, so it didn't affect my job to the extent it did my marriage, but it didn't help either. Anyway, after about 2 years of me ignoring her, my wife found a friend over the summer that she cheated on me with, according to her only kissing a couple times, but who knows. At that same time I was going cold turkey off my meds. I wanted my life back, I wanted to feel things again. I've been successful (it's been since the beginning of July) up to this point and do feel much better, but my wife cheated on me and I can't trust her. I put some of that blame on me, I probably chose the pills over her on occassions and made her feel unimportant and less than beautiful. While this wasn't a financial strain per se, I would be less than completely open about all the finances, and we didn't travel as much as we could or should have, and we also had to be frugal a couple months to stay above water, but $ was never much of an issue. The point is that I can't trust her, and you can't trust him. Once that's gone it's not coming back, not next week, next year, or ever. Your marriage is essentially over, it's just not official. You need to look out for yourself now. Confront your husband, offer him help (rehab etc...), and tell him what you know and what you suspect. If he agrees then great, get him clean and sober and then file for divorce once he's out of the woods. If he rebuffs your offer then call a lawyer immediately and file for divorce. He could lose everthing w/a nasty coke habit, and he can do it quickly. You need to get out fast and with a financial foundation for your life after marriage. It sucs to hear, and I didn't want to hear it either, but ultimately can you spend the rest of your life with someone you don't trust who lies to you regularly and is addicted to a very powerful, very expensive drug? Trust is the most important thing in a marriage, I have never seen 2 people who don't trust each other have a successful marriage, throw in drugs and you should be running for the hills. I hope things work out for you, but you need to act sooner rather than later, the longer you wait the worse it will be for both of you.
I am going through something similar. I have been married for over 3 years, together with her for 8. I had herniated discs in my back, 3 unsuccessful surgeries, and a nasty 2 year battle with pain meds. I took percocet, oxycontin, vicodin, etc... for pain for the past 2 years. It was legit, doctors scripts and paid by insurance and the pain was real. I got hooked, and became distant and aloof. I ignored my wife, I stopped being social, I became lazy around the house. Her and I both work full time, I'm a professional for a big corporation and she's a teacher, so it didn't affect my job to the extent it did my marriage, but it didn't help either. Anyway, after about 2 years of me ignoring her, my wife found a friend over the summer that she cheated on me with, according to her only kissing a couple times, but who knows. At that same time I was going cold turkey off my meds. I wanted my life back, I wanted to feel things again. I've been successful (it's been since the beginning of July) up to this point and do feel much better, but my wife cheated on me and I can't trust her. I put some of that blame on me, I probably chose the pills over her on occassions and made her feel unimportant and less than beautiful. While this wasn't a financial strain per se, I would be less than completely open about all the finances, and we didn't travel as much as we could or should have, and we also had to be frugal a couple months to stay above water, but $ was never much of an issue. The point is that I can't trust her, and you can't trust him. Once that's gone it's not coming back, not next week, next year, or ever. Your marriage is essentially over, it's just not official. You need to look out for yourself now. Confront your husband, offer him help (rehab etc...), and tell him what you know and what you suspect. If he agrees then great, get him clean and sober and then file for divorce once he's out of the woods. If he rebuffs your offer then call a lawyer immediately and file for divorce. He could lose everthing w/a nasty coke habit, and he can do it quickly. You need to get out fast and with a financial foundation for your life after marriage. It sucs to hear, and I didn't want to hear it either, but ultimately can you spend the rest of your life with someone you don't trust who lies to you regularly and is addicted to a very powerful, very expensive drug? Trust is the most important thing in a marriage, I have never seen 2 people who don't trust each other have a successful marriage, throw in drugs and you should be running for the hills. I hope things work out for you, but you need to act sooner rather than later, the longer you wait the worse it will be for both of you.
Thank you for your words. I really appreciate them. To go into further detail, my husband and I have been together for 4 years. Married for 6 months. About 3 years ago I found that he was using coke. He confronted him about it and he denied it, until I kept bugging him and he fessed up. He promised he would stop. I was always sckeptical of that because I grew up with a drug addict brother and I know better. So I sat back until I started to realize what the signs were. I can now read him like a book. About a year ago he had me try it. I hated it, but it did give me a better understanding of what to look for, and smell for, on a regular basis. It often smells like gasoline. Crazy! He talks out of the side of his mouth and it happens as soon as he takes one bump of it. I think he wanted me to try it so that he wouldn't feel guilty about doing it. I did it maybe three more times after that and haven't touched it since. I just don't like the way it makes me feels. He doesn't understand that.
So, so say he might be doing it more often than I know... I don't think is true. He gets so annoyed when I call him out on it. He doesn't understand how I know he is doing it. Just recently (past 4 months or so), he has started to lie about it and deny up and down when I call him out on it. Until I just bug the **** out of him (which I hate doing because I feel like his mother when I do that), then he will tell me. I hate that he tried to lie to me about it!!!
Just a couple of nights ago, what triggered me to start looking online for advice, we were out watching the baseball game. I was tired and wanted to go home (9:30). He said that he wouldn't be late and he would be home around 10:30. Yeah right I thought to myself because he never comes home when he says he will (because he loses track of time when he does powder). To my surprise he came home at 10:35. I was so shocked that I was ready to reward him with a back massage. But no sooner than I thought that he was asking if he could run and meet his friend (we will name him Bob). I know that Bob is the person he gets his pot and poder from. He says that Bob is out of pot and since he always helps him out he wanted to go give him some of his pot for a trade of two percocets. I told him to give me his phone because I wanted to see these texts from "Bob." He gave it to me after a fight and I looked through it. It was so coded up with **** that I couldn't understand it well. I told him I was no idiot and he must be going to get coke. He insisted up and down that he wasn't and how he really wanted to help Bob out this time. He went back and forth on whether he was going to go (because of me) but he finally went. I told him it was a scketchy situation and I wanted him to come home right away. My husband told me since this was on his terms, that he would drop it off and come right back. Over an hour later I called him to find out where he was. He said he was on his way home. I stayed on the phone with him to make sure of this, and he was. When he got home I could instantly tell that he had been doing coke. Not a lot, but some (I can tell). I called him out on it and he lied up and down, telling me how crazy I was and I didn't know what I was talking about. At this point I threatened to leave him and go to my parents. I went over all of these things he was doing and how he was lying to me all the time. I then asked him if I was wrong in anything that I said, and he said "no, you're right." I even reiterated the coke thing and he admitted.
I told him that he needs to get his stuff together. I told him that if he didn't change then I would leave him and not to think for a moment that I would tell everyone the real reason for leaving him. He didn't seem to like that very much since his parents are the socialites of our community. He knows the consequences of that. He said he would make the change. But he has said that so many times!!!
This was all on Sunday night. I told him at that time that we were going to talk on Monday when we weren't heated and he wasn't high. He agreed. of course when I came home from work on Monday he had Filet Minon wrapped in bacon and an amazing dinner ready for me. He was buttering me up. I brought that to his attention and he sarcastically denied it. We talked for about 2 minutes (no joke) and he said there didn't seem to be much to talk about that it just seems like he has to do the changing. And he wouldn't take it any further.
Today, I was out of money, literally out of money. he turned around and just gave me $120. How am I supposed to leave my husband who isn't abusive, he sweet, doesn't seem to do this on a regular basis (but he might be according to you), provides for me, makes sure I have everything I need, takes care of our home, etc.
I do all of the finances in the house. I do the business paperwork and the personal. So I already know exactly what is happening with the money. And it doesn't seem to be disappearing at an amazingly fast rate. I know where he keeps his powder and can see how long it takes him to go through it. BUT I STILL DON'T LIKE IT. Even if he DOES only do it every once in a while. It causes him to lie. I don't think he cheats on me at all. I just hate this lying (and the fact that he always tells me he will be home at a certain time and I often have to go calling him 10 times to find him, or show up at his friends' house at 4:00am). It drives me crazy.
Am I nuts? I am so confused! I know that he "dabbled" before we started dating 4 yrs. ago. So it's been longer than 4 yrs. But I just started being able to recognize all of the signs 2 yrs. ago.
I just don't know what to do. I know that people have it worse than I. Do I just wait and see if he actually changes? What if he doesn't. UGH!?!?!??!!?
So, so say he might be doing it more often than I know... I don't think is true. He gets so annoyed when I call him out on it. He doesn't understand how I know he is doing it. Just recently (past 4 months or so), he has started to lie about it and deny up and down when I call him out on it. Until I just bug the **** out of him (which I hate doing because I feel like his mother when I do that), then he will tell me. I hate that he tried to lie to me about it!!!
Just a couple of nights ago, what triggered me to start looking online for advice, we were out watching the baseball game. I was tired and wanted to go home (9:30). He said that he wouldn't be late and he would be home around 10:30. Yeah right I thought to myself because he never comes home when he says he will (because he loses track of time when he does powder). To my surprise he came home at 10:35. I was so shocked that I was ready to reward him with a back massage. But no sooner than I thought that he was asking if he could run and meet his friend (we will name him Bob). I know that Bob is the person he gets his pot and poder from. He says that Bob is out of pot and since he always helps him out he wanted to go give him some of his pot for a trade of two percocets. I told him to give me his phone because I wanted to see these texts from "Bob." He gave it to me after a fight and I looked through it. It was so coded up with **** that I couldn't understand it well. I told him I was no idiot and he must be going to get coke. He insisted up and down that he wasn't and how he really wanted to help Bob out this time. He went back and forth on whether he was going to go (because of me) but he finally went. I told him it was a scketchy situation and I wanted him to come home right away. My husband told me since this was on his terms, that he would drop it off and come right back. Over an hour later I called him to find out where he was. He said he was on his way home. I stayed on the phone with him to make sure of this, and he was. When he got home I could instantly tell that he had been doing coke. Not a lot, but some (I can tell). I called him out on it and he lied up and down, telling me how crazy I was and I didn't know what I was talking about. At this point I threatened to leave him and go to my parents. I went over all of these things he was doing and how he was lying to me all the time. I then asked him if I was wrong in anything that I said, and he said "no, you're right." I even reiterated the coke thing and he admitted.
I told him that he needs to get his stuff together. I told him that if he didn't change then I would leave him and not to think for a moment that I would tell everyone the real reason for leaving him. He didn't seem to like that very much since his parents are the socialites of our community. He knows the consequences of that. He said he would make the change. But he has said that so many times!!!
This was all on Sunday night. I told him at that time that we were going to talk on Monday when we weren't heated and he wasn't high. He agreed. of course when I came home from work on Monday he had Filet Minon wrapped in bacon and an amazing dinner ready for me. He was buttering me up. I brought that to his attention and he sarcastically denied it. We talked for about 2 minutes (no joke) and he said there didn't seem to be much to talk about that it just seems like he has to do the changing. And he wouldn't take it any further.
Today, I was out of money, literally out of money. he turned around and just gave me $120. How am I supposed to leave my husband who isn't abusive, he sweet, doesn't seem to do this on a regular basis (but he might be according to you), provides for me, makes sure I have everything I need, takes care of our home, etc.
I do all of the finances in the house. I do the business paperwork and the personal. So I already know exactly what is happening with the money. And it doesn't seem to be disappearing at an amazingly fast rate. I know where he keeps his powder and can see how long it takes him to go through it. BUT I STILL DON'T LIKE IT. Even if he DOES only do it every once in a while. It causes him to lie. I don't think he cheats on me at all. I just hate this lying (and the fact that he always tells me he will be home at a certain time and I often have to go calling him 10 times to find him, or show up at his friends' house at 4:00am). It drives me crazy.
Am I nuts? I am so confused! I know that he "dabbled" before we started dating 4 yrs. ago. So it's been longer than 4 yrs. But I just started being able to recognize all of the signs 2 yrs. ago.
I just don't know what to do. I know that people have it worse than I. Do I just wait and see if he actually changes? What if he doesn't. UGH!?!?!??!!?
It seems that you're going through a good bit of turmoil both inside and out. And it all stems from trust issues. Those issues aren't going to go away. You've been lied to before many times, been given false promises and false hopes, only to be disappointed again and again. Ask yourself a simple question. Do you want to spend the rest of your life, or even the next month, 6 months etc... worrying, being upset, having that sinking feeling in your stomach when you know you're being lied to or taken advantage of? Maybe he can and will stop, it's happened before in relationships, but 99 times out of 100 it doesn't work like that. I love my wife, I probably always will. I realize that my problems affected her deeply, and if I could go back in time I would have done things differently. When I first found out that she had cheated on me (after the initial shock and anger subsided) I gave some serious consideration to trying to make it work and going into couples therapy. Then after thinking about it for a while I realized that we would always have underlying trust issues. Little things would bother me, like her coming home 30 minutes later than she said she would be home, or her not answering her phone when I called or not calling me back. While all those things can be explained rather easily they can also cause people to be suspicious, stressed out, and depressed because of what has happened in the past. I didn't want to be in a marriage where trust was always going to be an issue, and no matter how much one wants to believe in their spouse and to trust them, when you've been lied to constantly and/or cheated on, it's impossible to completely trust that person again, and it also causes collateral damage in that you become less trusting of other people in your life. I now worry that I'll have a hard time trusting people in future relationships. I seem to be on guard all the time now and assume the worst in people first, instead of finding the positive aspects like I did before. I don't want to feel suspicious and guarded all the time, and staying in a marriage where trust would always be an issue was certainly not going to help me get past those issues. You have to decide what is best for you, and what kind of life you want to lead. Right now it seems like you're driving yourself crazy with worry and fear. Love tends to cloud our judgement much like addiiction, we always rationalize things to make them seem like they're not that bad, or that things will get better, when often things are that bad (or worse) and you don't have the power to make him want to sober up, he has to want that as much or more than you do. Re-read your own post, you did a good job of laying everything out there and really expressing how you feel. I think your answer is in your own post, and while it may seem like the harder thing to do now, imagine your life 5 years from now with trust and cocaine having the same or greater impact in your relationship than they do now. I hope you find the path that makes you happy and that works for you. You've done what you can, you've made him aware that these issues are present and that they are beyond important to you. He's continued the same pattern of behavoir, continued lying (even though he knows that you're going to call his bluff), and not made any real attempt to stop using. I believed in the marriage vows as much as anyone, but I realized that once my trust was gone none of it mattered, because once the foundation crumbles the rest isn't far behind. I hope I have been of some help, feel free to solicit my advice anytime, I won't always have the right answers (or even very good ones), but every once in a while I may be able to help out based on what I've gone through. Good luck w/everything.
Thank you so much for every single word you have given. Your words are very hepful and I certainly have a lot of thinking to do. Last night I came home early (9:00) from dinner with a friend and he stayed there to have another drink to hang out with this friend since we haven't seen him in a long time. To my surprise, he came home at 10:30 sober as could be! I was extatic! He was rather grumpy though. I don't know if that was due to his rough day or due to the fact that he wanted to stay and party, but knew he needed to come home to me to prove a point. Either way, it was so nice to have him home at a decent time and completely sober. I can only hope that it continues. But like I said before, I don't hold my breath. I grew up in a household seeing my parents always dealing with my brother and drugs... and still dealing with it on a daily basis (12 years later). I have to be prepared for what my parents never did! Cut him off. But I feel that I have now laid downt he law and given him his unltimatum, I should give him one chance to do it. After that, I have to prepar myself for the one thing I don't want to do. Leave. But I have to learn from my parents' mistakes right? Not follow.
I'm glad things are looking up, I hope it all works out for both of you. If I were you I'd feel satisfied that you did everything you could to make the situation better and you are seeing some results finally. Just make sure this isn't a temporary thing and that the lying and sneaking around has stopped for good, not just for a week or 2 while he still feels guilty about what happened over the last few days. Once again, good luck with everything, keep me posted on the progress, I'm rooting for you.
I think you already know what to look for. Your women's intuiton is a strong thing. One thing I would do is follow the money trail. Check your credit for credit cards you did not open and aren't aware of, that's the very first step I would take. Also check the addess those cards are going to, maybe he has a box at a UPS Store or the post office so you won' see the bills. He could be taking out cash advances to pay for the cocaine.
One thing you don't want is to find yourself hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt 5 years from now.
Make sure you are a signer on ALL of your joint accounts and check activity when it comes to cash, make him account for where the money goes.
It sounds like the behavioral issues you already have down pat.Going without sleep, having lots of extra energy. But that turns negagtive once the habit progresses and he will become very irritable and cranky.
I would confront him straight out and tell him you love him and want to see him get help because you can't have illegal drugs areound you or your children and you want your husband back. If you approach him in a kind and loving way, he may take that better than if it's a confrontation. Don't get me wrong, you have every right to be mad but you may have to hold that in when bringing this up for the 1st time.
Stop it now before it gets out of hand, and your family has a good chance of getting through this. Remeber one thing, addicts are the world's best lyers, don't believe anything without proof!!!
Best of luck to you!!!
One thing you don't want is to find yourself hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt 5 years from now.
Make sure you are a signer on ALL of your joint accounts and check activity when it comes to cash, make him account for where the money goes.
It sounds like the behavioral issues you already have down pat.Going without sleep, having lots of extra energy. But that turns negagtive once the habit progresses and he will become very irritable and cranky.
I would confront him straight out and tell him you love him and want to see him get help because you can't have illegal drugs areound you or your children and you want your husband back. If you approach him in a kind and loving way, he may take that better than if it's a confrontation. Don't get me wrong, you have every right to be mad but you may have to hold that in when bringing this up for the 1st time.
Stop it now before it gets out of hand, and your family has a good chance of getting through this. Remeber one thing, addicts are the world's best lyers, don't believe anything without proof!!!
Best of luck to you!!!
Oh one more thing, at the emergency room when they see alcoholics or drug addicts and they ask "how much did you take or drink"? They take the number they are given, say "I drank 6 beers" and they triple it. That is a medical rule of thumb. That's how bad addiction gets. SO if he says I only do it twice a week, triple that amount and you'll be closewr to the actual amount.
I just found out that my husband has been using coke and that he wants to stop. I am also in a position where we have been married for 6 years and he has always lied to me about something...and the money situation is awful. We had it out two nights ago and agreed to a year separation - three weeks where he stays with a friend who has beat the addiction and then at our house. When he left he said he would see me the next day before he worked at 8pm. At 7:30 pm he called to say they changed his shift and that he couldn't come over and he couldn't call until then because it was his lunch hour, but that he wanted to come over later. I wasn't very receptive, but did invite him over later. At that point he said he was too tired and would see me tomorrow (today). I get out of work at 5pm and it is now 7:21 pm and he has not shown up or called....would I be right to think that I'm being played and that he's still up to tricks (he was also supposed to bring by his check and he took the TV and stuff to his friends house). OH - I also have no idea where this friend lives or how to get ahold of this friend.
We have almost divorced three times over other things....I honestly have no idea if I love him anymore or not, but don't hate him, so figure I should try to work it out....in addition, my ex-husband was a coke user and I swore I would never be in a relationship like that again and this is the second time he has told me he has been using in the past 7 years...
I would dearly love any advice because I feel totally lost.
We have almost divorced three times over other things....I honestly have no idea if I love him anymore or not, but don't hate him, so figure I should try to work it out....in addition, my ex-husband was a coke user and I swore I would never be in a relationship like that again and this is the second time he has told me he has been using in the past 7 years...
I would dearly love any advice because I feel totally lost.
again - please post this on a new thread. i'm afraid people won't see it because you posted on an old one..
there are lots of wonderful people here who can help... please, repost your post on a new one...
good luck.. wish i knew enough to help :-/
-mj
there are lots of wonderful people here who can help... please, repost your post on a new one...
good luck.. wish i knew enough to help :-/
-mj
My husband abuses alcohol and cocaine. I do not think that he is dependent on either substance, but his use is definitely abuse, and I would say is heading toward a very dangerous place. I am having difficulties in setting boundaries for simply not accepting the unacceptable behavior. I know his use/abuse will continue until he decides to discontinue it. But in the meantime, how do you all set your boundaries in regard to unacceptable behavior? For example, I always have a "Plan B," which is something I learned in Al-Anon. But what about things like spending money on drugs/alcohol, drinking and driving, etc.
Three days ago, I just got out of a 9 year relationship w/ a crack addict. 9 years of torment, financial and emotional abuse...the lies and deception. I used to think that I could help him and was stubborn about not giving up on him. To those who are willing to put their lives on hold to help their crack addict s/o's.... focus on you. Don't focus on his problems. Get help for yourselves. It took me 9 years to realize that even though I wanted to help him he had to be the one who wanted the help and he had to do something about it. We cannot do it for them. He's now sitting in jail with a lot of theft charges that I filed on him and felony forgery charges that others have filed on him. He's been down this road before and it doesn't matter how long he's locked up...within three months of being free he's back on crack. He's blamed everyone but himself for his addiction. Don't be the person who chases after the whys' while he/she is getting high cause it will drive you crazy. Until they REALLY are serious about getting clean...and actively go for help....he/she is lying to you. Lying comes with the territory. W/o trust there is nothing left and it took me the last year to come to terms with that...maybe grieve for a relationship that was built on lies and deception....and for the man I first fell in love with that no longer existed. What a weight off my shoulders to finally feel free and to know that I'm finally doing what's best for me. If you don't watch it, he/she will take you into the depths of their addiction and it's not pretty. I've been there with dealers showing up at my door and being threatened if I didn't pay his drug bill. He's stolen thousands of dollars from me, been sexually active with other female addicts and even when I busted him he would tell me I needed help because what I thought I was seeing wasn't really happening.
There is no relationship w/ an addict. How can there be? So, for those of you thinking your love is going to cure him I'm here to tell you that crack is more powerful than love....crack will take you down with him/her if you decide to "save him" or think you can. You can't. Save yourself!
Sherri
There is no relationship w/ an addict. How can there be? So, for those of you thinking your love is going to cure him I'm here to tell you that crack is more powerful than love....crack will take you down with him/her if you decide to "save him" or think you can. You can't. Save yourself!
Sherri
Me and my husband dated for about 6 months and then got engaged and pretty much spent everyday together. A year later we got married. I thought that I knew everything about him before we were engaged (even though it was only 6 months, I know it sounds crazy) and he was this wonderful guy. I really do think he is still a really good person at heart. As soon as we got engaged though, it was like a light switch went off and he started going out with his friends all the time. I spent about 70% of our engagement in bed alone wondering where he was and when I would find out where he was, he would tell me he would be home in 30 minutes, only to show up 3-4 hours later. He would just say that he lost track of time drinking. He would make up all of these excuses. I would go out looking for him in the middle of the night and cry and one night I even rented a hotel room because I was so fed up and did not want to be waiting for him when he got home. I felt totally on the back burner and I just looked at him in a different way.
One night I asked him if he did cocaine and he said that he did. I just said that that made me very upset and disappointed and I really hope he would stop doing it. After I said that, he got really defensive and mad, so that turned into a huge fight, because I was like well, that just tells me that you still want to do it (since he was defensive.) He finally told me he wouldn't do it anymore. Of course he did end up doing it again.....and again and again. I found out that he did it the night before our wedding, which I dismissed as a bachelor getting his last night out of his system. I then found out about many more times that he had lied and lied to me. I felt betrayed and like I said before, just looked at this down to earth, fun person that I loved in a totally different light. (I have never done coke, so I don't understand it) He had borrowed LOTS of money from me (student loans and the worst was for my own engagement ring) and it made me wonder how much of that money he needed to borrow because he was spending his on coke and pot.
There is lots more that he has done that has made me question him. My own mother told me that they were drunk one night and she was in the kitchen doing something (I had gone to bed) and he took her hand and led her into her bedroom. My mom has been known to exaggerate things sometimes, but she wouldn't just make up something out of thin air. How else would you take that gesture of leading someone into their bedroom?
Anyway, long story short (or not so short..lol) I just told my husband of 6 months that this is too much too soon. I want kids and a house and all of that one day. I don't know if I will ever get over all of this. I feel very guilty though. This is not the kind of crazy life that I ever wanted, or anybody for that matter ever wants. He says that he will go to therapy and we can go to couple's therapy an he can't believe that I would give up on him this quickly and that he loves me so much and he can change. I just feel horrible about all of this. I do think that I really would be ok by myself, I have alot of great friends and am very independent, but I also have a big heart. He tells me that he is sorry he didn't listen to me before, (the many times that I cried and talked and yelled) but he never thought he could lose me and now he wants to try. I'm thinking it's too late, but I don't want to hurt him or bail out on him when he needs me most.
One night I asked him if he did cocaine and he said that he did. I just said that that made me very upset and disappointed and I really hope he would stop doing it. After I said that, he got really defensive and mad, so that turned into a huge fight, because I was like well, that just tells me that you still want to do it (since he was defensive.) He finally told me he wouldn't do it anymore. Of course he did end up doing it again.....and again and again. I found out that he did it the night before our wedding, which I dismissed as a bachelor getting his last night out of his system. I then found out about many more times that he had lied and lied to me. I felt betrayed and like I said before, just looked at this down to earth, fun person that I loved in a totally different light. (I have never done coke, so I don't understand it) He had borrowed LOTS of money from me (student loans and the worst was for my own engagement ring) and it made me wonder how much of that money he needed to borrow because he was spending his on coke and pot.
There is lots more that he has done that has made me question him. My own mother told me that they were drunk one night and she was in the kitchen doing something (I had gone to bed) and he took her hand and led her into her bedroom. My mom has been known to exaggerate things sometimes, but she wouldn't just make up something out of thin air. How else would you take that gesture of leading someone into their bedroom?
Anyway, long story short (or not so short..lol) I just told my husband of 6 months that this is too much too soon. I want kids and a house and all of that one day. I don't know if I will ever get over all of this. I feel very guilty though. This is not the kind of crazy life that I ever wanted, or anybody for that matter ever wants. He says that he will go to therapy and we can go to couple's therapy an he can't believe that I would give up on him this quickly and that he loves me so much and he can change. I just feel horrible about all of this. I do think that I really would be ok by myself, I have alot of great friends and am very independent, but I also have a big heart. He tells me that he is sorry he didn't listen to me before, (the many times that I cried and talked and yelled) but he never thought he could lose me and now he wants to try. I'm thinking it's too late, but I don't want to hurt him or bail out on him when he needs me most.
This post was started 3 years ago, so feel free to make your own. You deserve to be happy and have all the things that you say you want. If he is willing to get help and go to therapy like he says, then I hope you both work through this. Have you ever heard of alanon? I wish you both the best and he is done with this evil drug. Cocaine destroyed me for awhile, but I got out:)
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