Am I alone? Is there something wrong with me?

[Gillyhurts]

I recently joined and offered advice to someone detailing some things I went through as a child. I won't go through what I wrote down except one thing. Most likely from one week old, definitely till I was in kindergarten, I was being molested by my godfather . I explained in my post that I wanted to die. Age 3 to 6 most memorable. My mother said she had the hardest time keeping me away from toxic chemicals. I was always trying to ingest them. I have a feeling my mother eventually knew, because at 5 I got very ill with chicken pox and she left me alone everyday, instead of going to my godparents. I never had contact with them again. I was treated differently from my older sister and brother. They were a family and I was always sent off to my Grannies place for the summer, which I loved because I knew she wanted me there. At home, I was always treated like a freak. When someone knew was introduced to me, I would grab my Dads leg and hind behind it. I can still hear them ask him " what's wrong with her? ". I never felt comfortable with anybody. Always feeling like I was a huge mistake. I knew I wasn't wanted. Then over the years, after begging my mom to just tell me I was adopted, or something to explain my treatment. My dad who used to be an affectionate father, turned into a man who could not stand to be in the same room as me. If I was there, he would turn right around and leave the room. I was 13, and never did anything wrong. I never felt welcome in my own home.
After listening to my mom talk over the years, I gathered up some puzzle pieces. She found out her IUD dislodged into her uterus. She told me on several occasions that I was supposed to be a twin. When I got pregnant with my first child, she said I can get my womb scrapped, and that she had this done.
I always wondered if when she found out she was pregnant, she had the procedure, but the doctor only got one of us. My siblings also made me know that I wasn't supposed to be born. They are much older than me, so they would know.
I never felt like part of the family, just a mistake. My life is compounded with guilt. Yes, a lot of that could be due to the molestation, but feeling I should be dead? There are countless (so sadly) of people who are molested, that have no thoughts of wanting to be dead. I even told my mom, if I die, throw my remains in the garbage, and was totally serious. As usual she had no reaction to this, in fact there was an instance after finding out my husband was cheating on me and emptied out my bank accounts, left to raise 2 autistic children on my own with no money, I called her. I was completely lost and told her I wanted to take my own life. She then said "I have to let you go!". I knew I had absolutely no one in my life who cared and I couldn't leave my boys with that. They are what keeps me going, though I wish she never had me, and it's not my fault that she did, I have two beautiful boys, who love me and need me.

[Nighthawk61]

Many times, kids that are abused by their parents have to wait until they have passed on to understand that "it was them, it wasn't you" and that in a sense, you were playing a part, and were a pawn in their sick lives all along.

[Gillyhurts]

I know what you mean. I, hopefully, helped a young girl who has her whole life ahead of her. She is, for now, out of her situation. And I'm determined to make sure she has a life she deserves.
Thank you for saying that about my Dad. It still runs over and over in my mind, but my soul wasn't ready. I know wherever he is, he understands. If I did the dishonest thing and pretended to forgive, I think I would be worse off. I did hurt so much by my decision, but it was the honest one. He was being taken away to God, and I had to be honest. Despite how painful it was. He has visited me in dreams, and the moment he died, 4:23, I saw him at a lake I didn't recognize, with our dog who passed. And they were both happy. I woke up and I swear I could feel him next to my bed. My mom called me latter in the morning to tell me that he was gone. He passes at 4:23. Seriously, this actually happened.
Thank you so much for understanding. I rarely come across someone who gets internal suffering. I don't want to lose touch with you.

[NeverAgain127]

Easy.  You're an adult now.  It's the kids on here, the 'teens who are getting physically, emotionally & verbally abused by adults or older sibilings that literally makes me nauseous because it brings me RIGHT back.  

You've managed to gain some distance and perspective.  When your father put his hand out on his death bed and you walked away, MAN...that was powerful.  I kept thinking and thinking about that.    You were honest with him and yourself.     A lot of people would have read that and thought you were heartless, but not me.  I understood 1000%.

[Gillyhurts]

Just wondering, what was it about my story that kept you able to keep reading?

[NeverAgain127]

Thanks Gilly.  I can't read a lot of the posts on here from abused children because they just hurt too deeply.  

I didn't call my mother for several days, and then I left a short, brief message yesterday to just "check in."  She called back, and I kept the conversation very brief.  No more questions about her health, her blood work, her chemo...no emotional support, because it is a TRAP she sets for me...whether or not she even realizes it.

The horrible part is that on the one hand, I don't think she even knows what she is doing, but on the other hand, what mother in their right mind tells a child she wishes they would die?   C'mon, she worked in the corporate world all her life, has friends, family...she HAD to know that saying something like that was totally abnormal.   So is making your children cry.

I will never, ever understand her.

If she were completely neglectful and evil all the time, I would have learned what to expect, and adjusted accordingly.  Instead, she peppered her abuse and neglect with period of fake interest, and occasionally, expensive gifts.  It confused me totally as a child. She still does this.    Tells me I'm so ugly I need my entire face re-done with plastic surgery and then sends me an expensive pair of earrings she saw featured in Oprah's magazine.   Psycho.

Thank you for your support.  As I said in the beginning of this post, I wish I could be more supportive of others on here, but I when I start to read a post from an abused child, I begin to not be able to breathe, and either I stop reading or having a full blown panic attack.  

Take care Gilly..and oh yes, you are NOT alone..
Hugs,
-R.

[Gillyhurts]

Sorry I phrased that wrong, you don't owe forgiveness, you owe her nothing. Like I mentioned before when my dad was dying, and my mom told him I was leaving, he held out his hand. I couldn't for the life of me, take his hand. I knew then I never forgave him, but in time after his death I have. I will never forget. What he did is now instilled in me, I will always be alone, but forgiving him helped me to move on.

This is what I wish for you, again, keep in touch,

Gill