Am I alone? Is there something wrong with me?

[Gillyhurts]

I recently joined and offered advice to someone detailing some things I went through as a child. I won't go through what I wrote down except one thing. Most likely from one week old, definitely till I was in kindergarten, I was being molested by my godfather . I explained in my post that I wanted to die. Age 3 to 6 most memorable. My mother said she had the hardest time keeping me away from toxic chemicals. I was always trying to ingest them. I have a feeling my mother eventually knew, because at 5 I got very ill with chicken pox and she left me alone everyday, instead of going to my godparents. I never had contact with them again. I was treated differently from my older sister and brother. They were a family and I was always sent off to my Grannies place for the summer, which I loved because I knew she wanted me there. At home, I was always treated like a freak. When someone knew was introduced to me, I would grab my Dads leg and hind behind it. I can still hear them ask him " what's wrong with her? ". I never felt comfortable with anybody. Always feeling like I was a huge mistake. I knew I wasn't wanted. Then over the years, after begging my mom to just tell me I was adopted, or something to explain my treatment. My dad who used to be an affectionate father, turned into a man who could not stand to be in the same room as me. If I was there, he would turn right around and leave the room. I was 13, and never did anything wrong. I never felt welcome in my own home.
After listening to my mom talk over the years, I gathered up some puzzle pieces. She found out her IUD dislodged into her uterus. She told me on several occasions that I was supposed to be a twin. When I got pregnant with my first child, she said I can get my womb scrapped, and that she had this done.
I always wondered if when she found out she was pregnant, she had the procedure, but the doctor only got one of us. My siblings also made me know that I wasn't supposed to be born. They are much older than me, so they would know.
I never felt like part of the family, just a mistake. My life is compounded with guilt. Yes, a lot of that could be due to the molestation, but feeling I should be dead? There are countless (so sadly) of people who are molested, that have no thoughts of wanting to be dead. I even told my mom, if I die, throw my remains in the garbage, and was totally serious. As usual she had no reaction to this, in fact there was an instance after finding out my husband was cheating on me and emptied out my bank accounts, left to raise 2 autistic children on my own with no money, I called her. I was completely lost and told her I wanted to take my own life. She then said "I have to let you go!". I knew I had absolutely no one in my life who cared and I couldn't leave my boys with that. They are what keeps me going, though I wish she never had me, and it's not my fault that she did, I have two beautiful boys, who love me and need me.

[Gillyhurts]

I respect what you said about your brother, my heart will still go out to him.
I'm glad your letting go. You know that you owe her nothing but forgiveness, which is up to you. She seems to have been given many chances to face it, but it won't happen. I'm so very proud of you and I'm glad I could help in any way. She lost the most cherished moments of a mother's life, as you and I know, watching your child grow up and be happy with who they are. You are the successful one. Despite horrible circumstances, you, my dear, won at life!

I will continue to keep you in my heart and mind and please keep in touch. I know your life will be what you desire. Once you let that negativity go, your whole being seems so much lighter, and thoughts more clearer.

I'm glad I could help you, and to be honest, you helped me too. Take care of yourself. You're worth it!!

With all my heart,

Gill

[NeverAgain127]

I can't talk about my brother.   He isn't a part of my life, and I feel like it would be violating his privacy to discuss he details of his...but suffice to say, he is doing the best he can (and given the cards we were dealt. it isn't that great.)

Her last chemo went well; all her numbers are up, and she's happy as a clam.  She called me, and I returned the call, listened to her chat away about herself....I congratulated her and ended the call.  

I agree with you.  I'm letting them go.   When she gets near her deathbed, (which could be in 10 days or 10 years...who knows.  She's in stage 4 of cancer, but right now she is rallying.) anyways, when it gets near the end, I don't think she will even want to see me.  

In fact, I dont' know if I'll ever see her again.  She doesn't want me to visit, doesn't want to spend ANY time with me or her only grandchild (my daughter.)  She DOES want to see her precious friends, and her sister, (my aunt) with whom she is close.  

Sigh.  So be it.  A sad person, a sad life...at least in my opinion.   She would say her life was a tremendous success.  She is very smart and talented and has achieved a lot of things in her time here on earth, but imo, if you screw up your children, nothing else really matters.  

And so...I'm done.  Again.  

Thank you so, so, so much for your posts...you've helped me more than you'll ever know.  

Blessings,

-Robin

[Gillyhurts]

First off, you obviously did a great job with your daughter. You did the same thing I did. Learned exactly how to never treat your child. Growing up, I had no idea how I came from my parents. I begged my mom to tell me that I was adopted, because I needed an an answer.

I asked you about God, because I believe when she passes, she will be shown all the hurt and pain she caused you and your brother. That's if she gets there I'm sorry to say, but she obviously is a sociopath. I always asked myself "what did I do wrong? What could a child do to cause them to feel this way about me? They love my brother and sister... why not me?"

This can be debilitating. If your own parents can't love you...who can?" I slowly learned the answer...You! Just be reading what you wrote, you know you're a good person who deserves love. I'm so happy you found a great, positive person to share your life with. You raised an intelligent, strong young woman. You have so much to be proud of. There are so many people out there that have no business having children, and your parents fit that bill.

There is a chance that when she's at the end, she may call on you, but until then, I'm afraid you have to let them both go. It's hard, and you most likely won't hear what you need to hear. Sociopaths don't feel remorse, or care how their actions affect other people. I know, I was married to one. Since he lost custody of them, he had no more use for them. We haven't heard from him in a decade, and that is just fine with my oldest.

It will be obviously so hard for you to do, but for the sake of yourself and your complete happiness, let them go. Don't call them...let them call you. And if they call and say " I love you, but I love myself more', and hang up. Eventually, as time goes by, it will get easier. They are horrible people, who I'm sorry to say this but they don't deserve your love. Focus on the ones that do.

How is you brother? What happened to him?

[NeverAgain127]

Forgot to answer your other questions:

Yes, I'm married, to a wonderful guy (2nd marriage.)  I went through a string of abusive BF's before I found him.  I have one daughter and we are very close.  She is the most wonderful person I know.  

I didn't know HOW to be a mother, but I sure knew what NOT to do...I cherished my baby when she was born, and made sure I never, ever hit her or put her down.  My daughter is a fully grown adult and very successful.  I'm so lucky to be her mom.  

When she graduated from college, my parents just assumed they were invited.   (They were awful grandparents to her; never a sleep over; not once.  They just ignored her but bought expensive gifts at Xmas...none of which she ever kept.  They would sometimes send her checks, and she would tear them up.)   Anyhow, a week before her college graduation, my daughter called him and told them they were not welcome.   She was doing it for both of us.  

It was her decision, but unfortunately, I ended up paying for it in spades.  My father called me one night and told me they never wanted to hear from me again.  In fact he said "I don't have a daughter."    They were HURT.   Why is it that THEY  can be hurt, but it doesn't matter if anyone else is?

[NeverAgain127]

Gilly,

I don't think my mother hates herself at all.  She is a narcissist.   It's crazy to me that she has a blind spot when it comes to the feelings of other people, but mostly me.   I'm such a compassionate person, and she literally feels nothing for anyone else except herself, and my father...and even then, if he was the one to die first, she has always said she would be "just fine."

It is hard to let go, but I know you are right.  

Yes, I believe in God.  I'm also a scientist (I used to be a pharmacist) so I have my moments of doubt, but in the end, yes, I believe there has to be more to our life than this horrible place we call earth.  Sorry...I'm feeling very low this week.  

She starts her 3rd chemo treatment today; I'm afraid to call.   One look or word from her can devastate me.    She is oblivious to any sort of hurt or pain on my part.  When my daughter cries, I instantly want to reach out and hug her.  My mother has literally mocked me scornfully when I've been in tears.

What is tearing me up is that she may be close to dying and she STILL has no desire to make peace with me.  Doesn't she THINK about her own soul?  About the legacy of hurt, pain, and abuse she is leaving me with?  

She was abused as a child herself.  Her mother was an awful, horrible woman.

Thanks for listening to me babble.  No one can understand unless they've been through it themselves.  Thru the years, I've had many folks tell me to "just get over it."  or "It's over and done with, in the past, nothing you can do about it."    Sigh.   They just do not get it.  

Thanks.

[Gillyhurts]

I just want to give you a big hug and tell you that none of this is you fault . You know that. When I read your first post, the first thought that came to my mind is that she a sociopath. Your ex is right. She also seems to be projecting unresolved feelings from her past onto you and your brother. Maybe she had dreams of being someone else, and settled.
I'm sorry, I have to be blunt, but this is said with tremendous care. You have to let them go. It's been so long, and you reached out, but she will never change. This is not you fault. She wanted you dead for God sakes. She obviously wasn't meant to be a mother. She is of week character, because a lot of parents come from tough backgrounds, but don't take it out on their kids, especially mothers. We are designed to protect our children. Animals are the same way. It's built in us.

I'm sorry to say that you will most likely never why she treated you this way. I don't think she hates you, she hates herself. And you are the victim in this self hatred.

I like what you said about the therapy. It's right and realistic. I know from my childhood that what was said and done to me is instilled in my fabric. Nature vs. Nurture. I believe that most of me is nature. I had to tune into what is right and what is wrong at a very early age. And the suffering I went through made me more in tune and empathic towards others. But no amount of therapy can erase years and years of programming.

Do you believe in God or an afterlife?