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Am I alone? Is there something wrong with me?
I recently joined and offered advice to someone detailing some things I went through as a child. I won't go through what I wrote down except one thing. Most likely from one week old, definitely till I was in kindergarten, I was being molested by my godfather . I explained in my post that I wanted to die. Age 3 to 6 most memorable. My mother said she had the hardest time keeping me away from toxic chemicals. I was always trying to ingest them. I have a feeling my mother eventually knew, because at 5 I got very ill with chicken pox and she left me alone everyday, instead of going to my godparents. I never had contact with them again. I was treated differently from my older sister and brother. They were a family and I was always sent off to my Grannies place for the summer, which I loved because I knew she wanted me there. At home, I was always treated like a freak. When someone knew was introduced to me, I would grab my Dads leg and hind behind it. I can still hear them ask him " what's wrong with her? ". I never felt comfortable with anybody. Always feeling like I was a huge mistake. I knew I wasn't wanted. Then over the years, after begging my mom to just tell me I was adopted, or something to explain my treatment. My dad who used to be an affectionate father, turned into a man who could not stand to be in the same room as me. If I was there, he would turn right around and leave the room. I was 13, and never did anything wrong. I never felt welcome in my own home.
After listening to my mom talk over the years, I gathered up some puzzle pieces. She found out her IUD dislodged into her uterus. She told me on several occasions that I was supposed to be a twin. When I got pregnant with my first child, she said I can get my womb scrapped, and that she had this done.
I always wondered if when she found out she was pregnant, she had the procedure, but the doctor only got one of us. My siblings also made me know that I wasn't supposed to be born. They are much older than me, so they would know.
I never felt like part of the family, just a mistake. My life is compounded with guilt. Yes, a lot of that could be due to the molestation, but feeling I should be dead? There are countless (so sadly) of people who are molested, that have no thoughts of wanting to be dead. I even told my mom, if I die, throw my remains in the garbage, and was totally serious. As usual she had no reaction to this, in fact there was an instance after finding out my husband was cheating on me and emptied out my bank accounts, left to raise 2 autistic children on my own with no money, I called her. I was completely lost and told her I wanted to take my own life. She then said "I have to let you go!". I knew I had absolutely no one in my life who cared and I couldn't leave my boys with that. They are what keeps me going, though I wish she never had me, and it's not my fault that she did, I have two beautiful boys, who love me and need me.
After listening to my mom talk over the years, I gathered up some puzzle pieces. She found out her IUD dislodged into her uterus. She told me on several occasions that I was supposed to be a twin. When I got pregnant with my first child, she said I can get my womb scrapped, and that she had this done.
I always wondered if when she found out she was pregnant, she had the procedure, but the doctor only got one of us. My siblings also made me know that I wasn't supposed to be born. They are much older than me, so they would know.
I never felt like part of the family, just a mistake. My life is compounded with guilt. Yes, a lot of that could be due to the molestation, but feeling I should be dead? There are countless (so sadly) of people who are molested, that have no thoughts of wanting to be dead. I even told my mom, if I die, throw my remains in the garbage, and was totally serious. As usual she had no reaction to this, in fact there was an instance after finding out my husband was cheating on me and emptied out my bank accounts, left to raise 2 autistic children on my own with no money, I called her. I was completely lost and told her I wanted to take my own life. She then said "I have to let you go!". I knew I had absolutely no one in my life who cared and I couldn't leave my boys with that. They are what keeps me going, though I wish she never had me, and it's not my fault that she did, I have two beautiful boys, who love me and need me.
Thanks for answering me, Gilly. i could write a book about my mother and what she did to me.
Yes, I have a sibling, and he was also as abused as I was. He didn't quite make it. He is alive, but damaged...on full disability. Somehow, my mind didn't crack over what they did, although on many levels, I am emotionally vulnerable and weak.
Have I called My mother out on this? YES. About 22 years ago (I'm 53) and with the help of a therapist, I "divorced' my mother. I sent her a long letter, tried to talk to her (that failed.) and I had zero contact with her for a couple of years.
But I'm weak. There is a part of me that just wants her to love me SO BADLY. I reached out with her and we made a "pact" (again, with the help of a therapist, and a psychiatrist...I've had 3 psychiatric hospitalizations over the abuse; wanting to die, self harm, etc.)
In the pact, it said
1. She could not criticize my appearance, or my daughters (my mother was always telling me how incredibly ugly I was...to get plastic surgery on my face...when I was a kid, she'd refuse to buy my school pictures...btw, I'm in sales, and I think I'm reasonably attractive.)
2. She could not hit me. Ever again. My mother thought nothing of punching, or slapping me in the face, HARD, even when I was married and an adult.
3. No name calling. She couldn't call me a jerk, stupid, loud, etc.
(She did this in front of people a lot.)
4. If she violated any of the above, I would cease all contact with her.
She was "good" for maybe a year. The abuse creeped back slowly. She never laid hands on me again (and I have never, EVER put my hands on her. I'm terrified of her.)
But the verbal abuse started again.
Now she's dying of cancer and I cannot believe how she is acting. This morning I called at 9:00 to see how she was feeling and she hung up on me after yelling at me for calling "during breakfast."
I dont' know how to think about my father. He is a kind man, but he also adores my mother; something that baffles me. He watched as she beat me up daily and participated on occasion.
I grew up in constant fear my mother would kill me. She tried to smother me with a pillow (she denies this, but everyone in the family knows about it) and the answer to it was to ship me to my grandmothers house. I was always reminded of what a "bad baby" I was. How I should never been born. That was the constant chant she repeated every day. I wrecked her life, I shouldn't have been born, she hopes I die.
Over and over again. Sorry folks, no amount of therapy (I've had 20 years of it), programs (too many to count) and 12 step programs (a full fledged member for years) can erase or fix what she did to me. My God, she beat me up so much I have BRAIN damage from it.
I was born in 1962. If it had been 2002, I would have been removed from her care, and charges would have been filed against her. She should have been in prison for what she did to my brother and I.
Instead she claims she never laid a hand on me, and I'm making it all up. My first husband was a shrink---I'm still sorta friendly with him. He absolutely loathed my mother; thought she was a complete sociopath...and refused to be in the house when she was. He still thinks she is literally the most evil person he's ever met.
I'm so torn up over her dying. I don't know how to feel.
Thanks for reaching back to me.
Yes, I have a sibling, and he was also as abused as I was. He didn't quite make it. He is alive, but damaged...on full disability. Somehow, my mind didn't crack over what they did, although on many levels, I am emotionally vulnerable and weak.
Have I called My mother out on this? YES. About 22 years ago (I'm 53) and with the help of a therapist, I "divorced' my mother. I sent her a long letter, tried to talk to her (that failed.) and I had zero contact with her for a couple of years.
But I'm weak. There is a part of me that just wants her to love me SO BADLY. I reached out with her and we made a "pact" (again, with the help of a therapist, and a psychiatrist...I've had 3 psychiatric hospitalizations over the abuse; wanting to die, self harm, etc.)
In the pact, it said
1. She could not criticize my appearance, or my daughters (my mother was always telling me how incredibly ugly I was...to get plastic surgery on my face...when I was a kid, she'd refuse to buy my school pictures...btw, I'm in sales, and I think I'm reasonably attractive.)
2. She could not hit me. Ever again. My mother thought nothing of punching, or slapping me in the face, HARD, even when I was married and an adult.
3. No name calling. She couldn't call me a jerk, stupid, loud, etc.
(She did this in front of people a lot.)
4. If she violated any of the above, I would cease all contact with her.
She was "good" for maybe a year. The abuse creeped back slowly. She never laid hands on me again (and I have never, EVER put my hands on her. I'm terrified of her.)
But the verbal abuse started again.
Now she's dying of cancer and I cannot believe how she is acting. This morning I called at 9:00 to see how she was feeling and she hung up on me after yelling at me for calling "during breakfast."
I dont' know how to think about my father. He is a kind man, but he also adores my mother; something that baffles me. He watched as she beat me up daily and participated on occasion.
I grew up in constant fear my mother would kill me. She tried to smother me with a pillow (she denies this, but everyone in the family knows about it) and the answer to it was to ship me to my grandmothers house. I was always reminded of what a "bad baby" I was. How I should never been born. That was the constant chant she repeated every day. I wrecked her life, I shouldn't have been born, she hopes I die.
Over and over again. Sorry folks, no amount of therapy (I've had 20 years of it), programs (too many to count) and 12 step programs (a full fledged member for years) can erase or fix what she did to me. My God, she beat me up so much I have BRAIN damage from it.
I was born in 1962. If it had been 2002, I would have been removed from her care, and charges would have been filed against her. She should have been in prison for what she did to my brother and I.
Instead she claims she never laid a hand on me, and I'm making it all up. My first husband was a shrink---I'm still sorta friendly with him. He absolutely loathed my mother; thought she was a complete sociopath...and refused to be in the house when she was. He still thinks she is literally the most evil person he's ever met.
I'm so torn up over her dying. I don't know how to feel.
Thanks for reaching back to me.
Incidentally, you'll see if you look at the websites that they word their mission as being "helping Adult Children of Alcoholics or DYSFUNCTIONAL families" It states clearly that there doesn't need to be any substance abuse in the family to be eligible for this program.
I hope this helps. Thank you both, for your post and comment.
I hope this helps. Thank you both, for your post and comment.
I've read the accounts of both of your lives, and i'm so sorry for the abuse that you've both endured. I , too, came from a terribly abusive home, that impacted my life for many many years, and thus impacted my son's life. I have many regrets (addiction) although it is obvious (to everyone but my family) that it was my dysfunctional childhood that was the motivating factor. My mother refused to become involved in the "family" portion of my rehabilitation, which would have just as positively impacted my life, as the abuse did negatively. How can such obvious betrayal exist?
I went to a group along the way called Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) (although my alcoholic father quit drinking, that in itself did not stop him from being abusive).
The mission statement (in part) is as follows:
"This a 12 step Fellowship that helps Adult Children regain their power. It is in effect an agency created and now designated by that Fellowship to maintain services for those seeking, through Adult Children of Alcoholics, the means for arresting the emotional disease of family alcoholism. This is done by sharing information and experiences with one another and by applying to their own lives, in whole or in part, the Twelve Steps which constitute the recovery program upon which Alcoholics Anonymous is founded.”
I'm praying for you both to find some peace with the horrendous circumstances you were made to endure. I really think you should check these websites very carefully and see if it might be something that you could commit to giving a try (maybe just by reading the literature first), (Big book, 12 step work book etc).
) and 12 step work book, and Daily Reflections. It really sounds like you could both benefit from this sort of program. It helped me a great deal when i was ready to talk about my demons (family) lol
I went to a group along the way called Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) (although my alcoholic father quit drinking, that in itself did not stop him from being abusive).
The mission statement (in part) is as follows:
"This a 12 step Fellowship that helps Adult Children regain their power. It is in effect an agency created and now designated by that Fellowship to maintain services for those seeking, through Adult Children of Alcoholics, the means for arresting the emotional disease of family alcoholism. This is done by sharing information and experiences with one another and by applying to their own lives, in whole or in part, the Twelve Steps which constitute the recovery program upon which Alcoholics Anonymous is founded.”
I'm praying for you both to find some peace with the horrendous circumstances you were made to endure. I really think you should check these websites very carefully and see if it might be something that you could commit to giving a try (maybe just by reading the literature first), (Big book, 12 step work book etc).
) and 12 step work book, and Daily Reflections. It really sounds like you could both benefit from this sort of program. It helped me a great deal when i was ready to talk about my demons (family) lol
It's good that you got it out. You have to cry for yourself. It doesn't mean you're weak, obviously you're not. You're still here. You have to cry for that little girl that was robbed of any sense of safety and love. She mattered and you matter now. There is nothing out there that says you have to love your parents or family. A lot just divorce themselves from them in order to have a happy life. You owe your mother nothing. She'll face what she did to you.
Do you have siblings? I'll take from your post that you don't. The one thing I know is that you are not at fault. My friends refused to come over to my house because they couldn't stand how I was treated. That hurt, and made me more isolated, but at the same time, showed my teenaged self that I wasn't imaging it.
I wish I had an answer as to your father. Have you called you mother out on what she's done? You have to stop hating her. Hate only hurts yourself. She obviously doesn't care. The negativity will eat you up and she wins. Let it go. I know it's hard, but you have to take this as a lesson as to never treat a living being in such a way.
Are you married? Do you have children of your own?
I wish for you to keep talking to me. I understand everything you're going through. My dad never spoke a word to me since I was thirteen and I never understood why. If I was in a room and he entered, he would turn right around. I had no idea why he hated me so much. When he was dying, I told him I was leaving for the night, and he held out his hand. I couldn't take it. I left immediately and sobbed the way home. I will never forget that.
Maybe when your mom is on her deathbed, she will want that forgiveness too?
You have nothing to be sorry about and I want to hear more from you. I think there's more you need to take about, and I would like to help in anyway.
Heart felt,
Gill
Do you have siblings? I'll take from your post that you don't. The one thing I know is that you are not at fault. My friends refused to come over to my house because they couldn't stand how I was treated. That hurt, and made me more isolated, but at the same time, showed my teenaged self that I wasn't imaging it.
I wish I had an answer as to your father. Have you called you mother out on what she's done? You have to stop hating her. Hate only hurts yourself. She obviously doesn't care. The negativity will eat you up and she wins. Let it go. I know it's hard, but you have to take this as a lesson as to never treat a living being in such a way.
Are you married? Do you have children of your own?
I wish for you to keep talking to me. I understand everything you're going through. My dad never spoke a word to me since I was thirteen and I never understood why. If I was in a room and he entered, he would turn right around. I had no idea why he hated me so much. When he was dying, I told him I was leaving for the night, and he held out his hand. I couldn't take it. I left immediately and sobbed the way home. I will never forget that.
Maybe when your mom is on her deathbed, she will want that forgiveness too?
You have nothing to be sorry about and I want to hear more from you. I think there's more you need to take about, and I would like to help in anyway.
Heart felt,
Gill
Wow. You're life has been terrible, and I can relate so much to your story.
My mother is a despicable human being. She never wanted me, and all my life told me she hated me and hoped I would die. She also told me to kill myself many, many times.
She hit me often, and HARD. She'd use objects to smash into my face; I was dx'd with epilepsy at age 20 (I'm 53) because of head trauma that she caused.
Her parents were monsters. Her mother was, imo, a complete sociopath. In fact, I often wonder if my mother is one too.
I cannot even begin to chronicle the years and years of physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional cruelty...I can't even discuss the sexual abuse, (her step brother). I told her about it and she 1. first told me it simply didn't happen, that I had a "vivid imagination." and then 2. that I must have done something to provoke it.
Okay, so a life filled with pain so deep I can't even breathe sometimes. I have been in therapy for 20 years. It made a dent, but you can never erase stuff like this. I'm wire to hate myself...its' really hard to overcome this stuff that was drilled into my brain.
Fast forward: They live in Florida (my parents) and she has Stage 4 leukemia. My father is also very ill, with everything you can imagine. Heart isssues, diabetes, constantly sick.
I have asked her 5 times if I can come and visit and see them. Her answer? NO. Today she said to me "the last person in the world I want to see is YOU."
My father and I are close to an extent. He did beat me as a child, even broke my nose once (punched me square in the face) but for some reason I dont' blame him as much. He wasn't as verbally cruel as my mother. She would say things to me that no normal human being should EVER say to another person, never mind your own child.
Right now I think one of them is going to pass soon. My father is 80 and I haven't seen in him in 5 years. I dont' care about seeing my mother again. But I would like to see my dad one more time. I"m crying as I write this. She wont' let me see him.
This is typical behavior for her. I had to find out twice that he had suffered a heart attack from a distant relative.
Like you, she used to have big parties and invite her nieces, nephews, friends, but never me.
I can't take this anymore. This woman, this horrible, disgusting excuse for a human being, has robbed me of so much in my life. How do I digest the hate? The anger?
Sorry for spilling my guts. I feel very raw right now.
Blessings,
-R
My mother is a despicable human being. She never wanted me, and all my life told me she hated me and hoped I would die. She also told me to kill myself many, many times.
She hit me often, and HARD. She'd use objects to smash into my face; I was dx'd with epilepsy at age 20 (I'm 53) because of head trauma that she caused.
Her parents were monsters. Her mother was, imo, a complete sociopath. In fact, I often wonder if my mother is one too.
I cannot even begin to chronicle the years and years of physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional cruelty...I can't even discuss the sexual abuse, (her step brother). I told her about it and she 1. first told me it simply didn't happen, that I had a "vivid imagination." and then 2. that I must have done something to provoke it.
Okay, so a life filled with pain so deep I can't even breathe sometimes. I have been in therapy for 20 years. It made a dent, but you can never erase stuff like this. I'm wire to hate myself...its' really hard to overcome this stuff that was drilled into my brain.
Fast forward: They live in Florida (my parents) and she has Stage 4 leukemia. My father is also very ill, with everything you can imagine. Heart isssues, diabetes, constantly sick.
I have asked her 5 times if I can come and visit and see them. Her answer? NO. Today she said to me "the last person in the world I want to see is YOU."
My father and I are close to an extent. He did beat me as a child, even broke my nose once (punched me square in the face) but for some reason I dont' blame him as much. He wasn't as verbally cruel as my mother. She would say things to me that no normal human being should EVER say to another person, never mind your own child.
Right now I think one of them is going to pass soon. My father is 80 and I haven't seen in him in 5 years. I dont' care about seeing my mother again. But I would like to see my dad one more time. I"m crying as I write this. She wont' let me see him.
This is typical behavior for her. I had to find out twice that he had suffered a heart attack from a distant relative.
Like you, she used to have big parties and invite her nieces, nephews, friends, but never me.
I can't take this anymore. This woman, this horrible, disgusting excuse for a human being, has robbed me of so much in my life. How do I digest the hate? The anger?
Sorry for spilling my guts. I feel very raw right now.
Blessings,
-R
Thank you Mother;
Thank you for once again, not inviting me to a family get together. You invite a man who more than once beat your granddaughter in front of their kids, but not me. I will never know what I did to cause me to live a life of isolation. All I know is that you believe I deserve this. It bothers me that I still love you. I don't believe in hate, but hopefully one day, you will know the amount of hurt you caused. Everyday I wake up disappointed because I didn't die in my sleep. Do you know most of my life, I begged God to take my life and save a child who deserved to live. My life was useless and I was angry because he never listened to me.
Now I have to live because my boys have no one else. Certainly not my family, who want me to lock my youngest away in an institution, just because he's not "normal".
Sorry, this child you never wanted, is such a disappointment. Hell, in your mind, I can't even have kids right. But I know I'm a hundred times a better mother despite the poison you raised me on.i vowed to never be like you.
While you and your family are hunting for chocolate, I'll be at home with my disabled child remembering what Jesus taught us.
Thank you for once again, not inviting me to a family get together. You invite a man who more than once beat your granddaughter in front of their kids, but not me. I will never know what I did to cause me to live a life of isolation. All I know is that you believe I deserve this. It bothers me that I still love you. I don't believe in hate, but hopefully one day, you will know the amount of hurt you caused. Everyday I wake up disappointed because I didn't die in my sleep. Do you know most of my life, I begged God to take my life and save a child who deserved to live. My life was useless and I was angry because he never listened to me.
Now I have to live because my boys have no one else. Certainly not my family, who want me to lock my youngest away in an institution, just because he's not "normal".
Sorry, this child you never wanted, is such a disappointment. Hell, in your mind, I can't even have kids right. But I know I'm a hundred times a better mother despite the poison you raised me on.i vowed to never be like you.
While you and your family are hunting for chocolate, I'll be at home with my disabled child remembering what Jesus taught us.
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