Confused about life

[sadmomma4]

I am not sure how to post this but I am curious about my life.

As a child I was the daughter of an alcoholic father and a physically/emotionally abusive mother.  I was sexually abused more then once and as I got older into my teen years I became self abusive.  I cut my skin, I overdosed on medications, and I attempted suicide on many occassions.  I was hospitalized for 3 months in a mental facility for teens, and many tests were run on me and there was no chemical imbalances or any other medical reason for my suicide attempts and self hate.  I was 15 the last time I officially tried to commit suicide.  I am in my 30's now and have had some bad times.  I try to come out on top but certain things happen to try to bring me down.  I have children whom I adore, but feel like perhaps I am not able to do for them what I would like for thier child hoods.  I have provided them with a broken home, as I came from and never wanted for my kids.

I take many different over the counter meds and quite often purposely take more then I should (definitely well over a safe amount).  I can deal with that, what I am not freaking out about is that I have started cutting myself again.  I do not know why, and I can't handle that I am doing it.  I want to know what is wrong with me, why am I so messed up.  I hate myself for cutting my legs or arms, or stomach, anywhere I think I can hide it.  I can't tell a doctor because I am in a custody battle for my kids and would surely lose them if it got out that I was doing that.  Nobody in my life has any idea that I take all the pills or that I cut myself, and I need to make sure nobody ever finds out.  I always worry when I go to the doctors that they will see the marks, so far they haven't.  I worry when I get blood work done that they will find out how much pills I take.  I feel like this is spiralling out of control, and I don't know how to stop it.  I have to go for a full physical next month and am totally at a loss as for how I will hide the cuts, or scars if I manage to stop cutting early enough.  I am so confused because I thought cutting was a teeanager thing, not adults????

I am deperate as to how to stop all this craziness.  Any ideas to make me stop with the pills and cutting.

[margypops]

Specialmom speaks it as it is you can recover ,you do need help to do it, it also is not just about you and your life, this  affects your children, I think you realise that so just do it, stop thinking and make that appointment you will be forever glad you did.Good Luck

[Niknak1974]

Perhaps you can try a call in type counseling.  I am not sure if they have them, I know that they have like suicide prevention call in type thing.  But perhaps it would make you more comfortable to call someone and talk to them on the phone.  I am not sure that anyone one here can counsel you via messaging, you will have to at least call someone.  And are you sure you are not suicidal, from the sounds of some of your comments it seems like you could be more suicidal then even you may think.  I would say you should get some help, but if you are so against going into some sort of therapy, maybe look into a call in type.  Also, I am pretty sure that if it is minor and not suicidal they have to respect privilege and can't act on it. But it may depend on where you are from.  I am pretty sure in Canada there has to be a risk of serious harm, injury or death to yourself or someone else.  I do not think they can just commit you or anything.

Good luck, it sounds like you really want help, and just don't know how to go about getting the kind of help you need.  I also don't actually think that this is just for teenagers, if you look more into it you may find that more adults do it then you think.  And you won't be alone.

[sadmomma4]

I do want to get better but I cannot go somewhere.  I like the idea of a call in kind of thing.  That sounds better.  I could find somewhere to call from where it there was no call display or something.   I will look into a call in counselling thing.

Thanks,

[Tab57]

If you are looking for help a good source would be Narcotics Annonomous (N/A). You can look on the internet to locate the closest chapter near you. A phone number will be provided. I would strongly encourage you to call the location losest to you.

I am in the process of helping a close friend of mine get professional help in his battle against addiciton to pills. I have done some of thsi leg work for hom at his request.

I will eb glad to provide you whatever help that I can. Just let me know how I can be of help to you.

Best of luck with your recovery efforts.

[sadmomma4]

Thank you for the suggestion.  I am sure it would be good but I couldn't actually go into somewhere like that and talk about things, and with the type of work I do I am quite sure I would run into people that would recognise me at work and that would not go over very well in my position at work.  
If there was an on-line or phone line type of counseling it may work better.  Maybe just typing this on-line is helping a bit too.  I know that it keeps me busy and even though I have thought about it I haven't done anything tonight since I have been on-line.  I did however get an email that made me concerned about how anonymous this is.  I must say that it worried me, and I am hoping that this is totally anonymous!  Thank you for your words and kindness.

[specialmom]

I am sure there are crisis lines.  However, I still think your best chance of recovery is a physician.  They are bound by law in the US to keep everything confidential.  Itis the HIPPA agreement that you must sign to see them.  This law went into affect about 7 or so years ago.  Based on this law---------  they can not release your private information.  Please go to a physician.  It is your best hope for true help and privacy.  good luck