Do adult children lie about being sexually abused as children?

[MOM42SF]

I am desperate for help. Last summer my world fell apart when my 26 year old daughter send me a message that her father had molested her for years as a child. I was shocked. The thought of that made me sick and I had never seen any signs but I didn't want to be that stupid mother that calls her daughter a liar. She claims I knew because I asked her so many times if anyone had touched her inappropirately but I was just trying to be a good mother and would never ever ignore such a thing. My grown son says he never saw anything but wholeheartedly believes his sister as this is the first time she has ever given him any attention at all. Of course my husband of 30 years denies any wrongdoing and I can't believe he is capable but thats what all say. We had a good life and their childhood seemed pretty idyllic to me but when my daughter turned 16 she started to be very hostile and through high school and college hated us more and more, especially me. Now she says this is the reason for the hate and it does make sense. Its the perfect storm. I dont know what to think or do and have lost both my children at this point. Initially I did offer to go to the police with her or to individual or family counseling or to confront him together but she refused to do anything said she just wanted me to know. I don't know what to do and there doesn't seem a solution. My husband is rightfully hurt that I am not 100% behind him and I have tried because I don't believe he could or would do that to his daughter but I'm so scared of being wrong."

[Notplayingwithaddys4905]

Children don't lie and I don't care how old your daughter was when she told you. I found out my ex had molested my daughter about a year after it happened when she was 12. I wanted to kill the *******. I accused him and he immediately lawyered up. My daughter didn't want her brothers to lose their dad and to this day she just wants an apology and for him to admit it. I was the one who became an addict and went through many years of guilt for not having him arrested. I can't stand him but I hated myself even more for not going ahead and prosecuting him. My daughter and I have a good relationship because I BELIEVED HER!

[313tiger]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear about what your daughter is going through. This is about her, not your husband, not your son, not you. I think I've read all of this thread and some of the advice has left me feeling angry. No lie detector test. None. That is a ridiculous suggestion. If courts won't allow it, why would you even consider it? Something is fishy about your husbands willingness to utilize a practice that has no legal bearing. Everyone knows the way to cheat a test is to take two pain pills prior to the test to schew it in your favor. There, so we've solved that.

I was molested as a child by my mothers father.  I was raped as a teenager. I absolutely believe your daughter. For the life of me I don't understand your inability to look at this through the eyes of your daughter who is absolutely showing all the signs of being a victim of incest. You've thrown a lot of stuff out about her in a negative manner but trying to present  it in a way to make you sound reasonable and fair and that you really desire the truth. Your daughter told you the truth. What you have is a co-dependent relationship with your husband. You are protecting him. Why isn't he in therapy? You said that you've been to it but I can't tell because your therapist should have emphasized how traumatic this is for your daughter. She is the victim. You seem on the fence. Either your therapist is a quack or you're not taking his or her advice but would rather get advice from strangers on the Internet. We don't know you and it's easier for you to play us. I'm not saying this is intentional on your part but your so used to protecting your husband, taking care of him as all co-dependents  do, that you can't be there for your daughter that has so desperately asked for your help. Even when she says she doesn't want it. What she's asking for and what she needs, is for you to believe her.  That is the very first, the very best thing you can do to help her. By stating you don't know what to believe in essence is calling her a liar. Now your son won't talk to you and sides with his sister, who, By the way, was horrible to him as a teen. What you're really saying is something like this 'my daughter is so manipulative that she's able to get her brother on her side even though she had been abusive to him' therefore you're not sure what to believe because she's such a good liar.  Then you throw in the 'my son is gay' like that matters. What does his sexual orientation have to do with this? Or did you just want to paint a picture of growth and tolerance on your part? Your daughter wrote, as a teenager, some letters that you think might be inappropriate, to your husband. You wonder why someone would write a flattering letter to their abuser. Do you know what Stockholm Syndrome is? I'm going to continue my post but I need to ask what kind of therapist your seeing? Any therapist presented with this scenario would tell you everything I'm telling you as well as what some others here are stating also.  You should have been told that abusers are very good at manipulating those they need on their side. 'Honey, I'll even take a lie detector test.' 'She wrote me letters telling me what fun we had together.' Stockholm Syndrome. Perhaps exaggerated teen angst.  Won't go to Law Enforcement. Won't go to therapy. Cut off communication with you. Didn't your therapist explain to you the dynamics of sexual abuse, especially incest? If so, you wouldn't be here now trying to get permission from a bunch of strangers to abdicate your job as a mother because you're not sure if your daughter is being honest.  To care for and believe your child when they say they were hurt is the first step in helping her to heal. Validating her.  I really do not believe that you've gone to therapy because you should know everything I just said.

Every time you presented something she said or did, you also threw in something that would make her look bad, you hoped. You have chosen your husband over your daughter. There are too many litmus tests for her. This is such a classic case of incest and mother or father not believing the victim. You must have proof. Pics or it didn't happen, right? Is your daughter so awful that she would fabricate this? And false memories are an anomaly. You're searching for everything, anything that will exonerate your husband so you don't have to face that you married a man capable of sexually molesting his own daughter.  Better to throw your children under the bus than confront the elephant in the room. All.So.Typical.

Understand this. Had anyone believed me when I shared what happened to me, it might have kept me from further self destructive behavior. I could have learned to trust people. I won't play your game here. Call your daughter or write and tell her you believe her and you're sorry for not doing so earlier. Is there a part of you that likes seeing your daughter in pain? That's what it sounds like and I won't let you off the hook. You have two children and neither one wants anything to do with you. There's a reason and I'm pretty sure you know what but you can't break the contract that you and the abuser have. No therapist in the world would have let this get to this point. In fact, I'm pretty certain they're bound by law to report sexual abuse claims. This is why I think you came here, to throw out some feelers to see what would stick when you tell your daughter you don't believe her. What mother doesn't believe her child because the abuser is a nice guy and you need something besides her word? This is one of the most manipulative conversations I've heard in years. I'm not buying your story. Your daughter's yes, 100%.

[Emetamar]

It does seem the lie detector text must've gone badly since the OP hasn't returned. However, I've been wanting to comment throughout this discussion -- if you don't think you're lying, a lie detector is useless. So if an abuser doesn't believe what they did was abusive, they will pass a test. Otoh, a victim who has been in denial and is now being rejected when she finally disclosed can feel so low and be so lacking in self esteem that she'd fail the test. The tests measure physiological responses associated with stress, the assumption being people who lie will be stressed about lying. That's simply not true in many cases. This is why such tests aren't allowed ad evidence in many courts. Back to this case, the father may have failed and the poster chose denial anyway -- thus the subsequent absence here. She seemed to me to have every excuse for her husband and every criticism for her daughter. This has been a very sad and distressing discussion.

[313tiger]

Wow. I thought that I was the only one that saw through her attempt to make her daughter a liar and the abuser unjustly accused. I think that I read all of the comments and became very angry with people suggesting the daughter was jealous of the mothers relationship with the abuser or the daughter had ulterior motives. We know that can happen but it was clearly obvious that this woman was trying to get people to malign the victim so she would have ammunition to use on her own daughter. I don't believe she's been in therapy as she stated many times. Any therapist would explain the dynamics of sexual abuse especially when it's incestuos.

I know one person did a bulletin of signs, symptoms and behavior and again, the codependent mother brushed it aside.  

I know full well how this stuff plays out in families. Had my family believed me, I would have taken a more healthy approach to life.

Thank you for your response.

[Anwealde]

313tiger
“You said that you've been to it but I can't tell because your therapist should have emphasized how traumatic this is for your daughter. She is the victim. You seem on the fence. Either your therapist is a quack or you're not taking his or her advice but would rather get advice from strangers on the Internet. […]  I'm going to continue my post but I need to ask what kind of therapist your seeing? Any therapist presented with this scenario would tell you everything I'm telling you as well as what some others here are stating also. [..]Didn't your therapist explain to you the dynamics of sexual abuse, especially incest? If so, you wouldn't be here now trying to get permission from a bunch of strangers to abdicate your job as a mother because you're not sure if your daughter is being honest.  To care for and believe your child when they say they were hurt is the first step in helping her to heal. Validating her.  I really do not believe that you've gone to therapy because you should know everything I just said. […]No therapist in the world would have let this get to this point. In fact, I'm pretty certain they're bound by law to report sexual abuse claims. “

Dear 313Tiger, I am more concerned with your view of a therapist than I am your view of the original poster here. 1st a therapist should not not “tell” clients what to think or do. One of the number one rules of therapy is called the “client buy in” and client’s do not “buy in” to being talked down to or “taught” but respond best to coming to conclusions themselves. Thus your attacking her therapy in this manner shows your lack of understanding of therapy. A good therapist acts more like a sounding board where the client bounces ideas off the therapist. The therapist listens. Let me repeat that last sentence for you; the therapist listens. Then the therapist asks what is called open ended questions meant to lead the client into making discoveries about the client’s self. The therapist might toward the end of a session recommend some reading material but the therapist is not a teacher, and it is always up to the client to decide whether or not to do the “homework” that the therapist recommends (again this is part of the client buy in). Finally, the therapist is not the child’s therapist but the mother’s therapist thus the therapist is not supposed to take the child’s side. The child should have and hopefully does have a therapist who is on her side and will help the child make discoveries about herself during therapy. This therapist is a therapist on behalf of the mother thus this therapist would not subject the mother to an opinion about whether or not the child is telling the truth but would instead ask questions meant to help the mother think critically and logically about the situation so that the mother can determine for herself what SHE believes. No one can tell another what to believe. One’s belief system must come from oneself thus the therapist would never tell the mother what to believe but would instead seek to discover the deep feelings of the mother regarding the mother’s belief on the matter. If the therapist being sought out by mother is a family therapist or a marriage therapist would also make a difference on the therapy as the first thing a therapist has to do is discuss what goals the client has for the therapy. Often family or marriage therapy is used to try to keep a family together thus rather than blaming the father who is the equal partner of the mother, the therapy would seek to find ways to reach the mother’s end goal. As for requirement to report abuse, yes, every therapy is legally bound to report abuse of children. However, this is not a child but an adult who is claiming she was abused as a child. Thus that does change the dynamics somewhat. The mother’s therapist would not be a mandated reporter for an adult child. The adult child is now an adult and adult-child’s therapist needs to help the adult-child figure out the best way for her to deal with something which happened in the past. This may or may not include legal reporting of a crime depending on the goals of the adult-child in therapy.  My point is that you are so angry at the original poster for not believing the adult-child that you have allowed your emotions and your own past to rise up in anger to attack this mother and the mother’s therapist without understanding real therapy. Therapy is not a simple 1 or 2 sessions with a lesson to teach the client what to do but instead allows the client to decide for the client’s self what the best course of action might be.

[Nighthawk61]

I'd like to thank you for the poster, I believe that she may be feeling attacked, and that's the reason she has not come back, however i'm thinking that she may also be reading her thread, and i  think your words will give her strength and not deplete her remaining strength.

I may have made the mistake of talking about my experience with a sister who admitted to lying about sexual abuse, and also talking her 15 year old daughter into lying about the alleged abuse, until she wanted something different, in her case to get back living with the alleged abuser.

I was trying to be objective and simply try to give the OP one example of situation where an adult child and a teenager was quite capable , and in the end admitted, to not only lie about sexual abuse, but talk another into lying about sexual abuse. My sister tried to have me lie about my father sexually abusing me when i fell into drugs. She  had told my many times that she was the apple of her father's eye, until her sister (me and brothers were born). .

I lived in a very controlling and manipulative family or origin home, as did my sister, I don't hate my sister, or blame her for being confused how to live her life with ethics, as we were not taught to live our lives with such.

In the end,  i believe the consensus throughout this thread is to have all parties in the OP's family become active with therapy and find their way to peace, and find their way home. I will continue to pray for all those hurt so deplorably by those they should be able to trust  

I will also truly keep the OP and her family in my prayers  May they all find the peace they so richly deserve.

[Sabrina_j]

I'm sorry to hear all the bad news you bare however, you need to sit down and really think about this logically. I know as a mother I would never want to distrust my daughter or son and with such accusations. That being said, follow your motherly instinct. Support your daughter. She is seeking closure for something she was never able to say before now. She is trying to start her own family. I am sure she has spoke with her fiancé about what happened to her as a child because they are considering having children, she is afraid to have children and bring them into your home with the man that violated her !! That is the only reason she is speaking of this now ! I have been through what she went through, I stayed silent my while life !! I was 13 when it started happening and 15 when i stopped going to the place it was happening !! I was afraid to ruin my family with this secret and he knew it which is why it went on so long and which is why my abuser felt safe that he would never get caught !! Let me guess you ask him about the accusations and he responds to you by letting you know how ridiculous it is to hear such a thing !! He denies through and through and the fact of the matter is, you may never learn the truth because he will never admit what he did and take the fall for it !! If he is truly innocent he wouldn't mind going to your local police department explaining the accusations and taking a polygraph test !! See if he squirms or refuses to have a lie detector test !! That may be your first hint that you need to trust your children and take action. Otherwise, say goodbye to the bond you could have had with them and your future grandchildren !! Please let your daughter know you believe her and do what your daughter needs you to do so she can have closure and a family of her own !!

[Destinyx3]

Hey I just wanted to share with you as a girl who was molested by her father as well. I am 26 years old now but when I was in my teen years I hated my mother for what my father had done to me when I was a child. Only because I felt like she knew or should have known and should have protected me. I gave her so much attitude that she ended up taking me to a psychiatrist because she felt that I was unstable. That made me grow even more resentment towards her for not knowing I was acting up because I was being physically hurt. After I told my mother she questioned him and he denied it. Sstayed with my father and till this day he denies absolutely everything and calls me a liar. Now my father is sick and my mother and I are the ones taking care of him. How unfair life is! I'm still burdened from my past and am still suffering, having to be in this predicament at an older age.

[Bttrfly62]

What were the results of the polygraph?

[Megsdemona]

You always believe your child. Always. And he is not 100% rightfully hurt because you aren't backing him. Everyone comments the most amazing thing about me is my mothering. He should be 100% supportive and if he is truly innocent then be supportive in getting to the bottom of it and seeking family counseling to get to the bottom of it. I don't agree with it being jealous. You can be a daddy's girl and be his victim of sexual abuse. It's quite horrifying but it really shakes the mind and children have to find ways to cope. And there are many different responses to coping to such tragic situations. A child's mind can only handle so much which is why children often repress or create false realities to cope during sexual abuse. I'm 28 and I have a 6 year old girl. We went through something similar two years ago. Never got to the bottom of it. It was alleged her stepbrother and the first thing her father said (while I'm in tears calling him telling him word for word what she said) is "she's lying". What kind of parent doesn't 100% support that allegation. Every professional will tell you to believe the child until otherwise. Now, her being an adult may change their approach, but you should seek professional advice before backing your husband and believing your daughter is a liar.