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Do adult children lie about being sexually abused as children?
I am desperate for help. Last summer my world fell apart when my 26 year old daughter send me a message that her father had molested her for years as a child. I was shocked. The thought of that made me sick and I had never seen any signs but I didn't want to be that stupid mother that calls her daughter a liar. She claims I knew because I asked her so many times if anyone had touched her inappropirately but I was just trying to be a good mother and would never ever ignore such a thing. My grown son says he never saw anything but wholeheartedly believes his sister as this is the first time she has ever given him any attention at all. Of course my husband of 30 years denies any wrongdoing and I can't believe he is capable but thats what all say. We had a good life and their childhood seemed pretty idyllic to me but when my daughter turned 16 she started to be very hostile and through high school and college hated us more and more, especially me. Now she says this is the reason for the hate and it does make sense. Its the perfect storm. I dont know what to think or do and have lost both my children at this point. Initially I did offer to go to the police with her or to individual or family counseling or to confront him together but she refused to do anything said she just wanted me to know. I don't know what to do and there doesn't seem a solution. My husband is rightfully hurt that I am not 100% behind him and I have tried because I don't believe he could or would do that to his daughter but I'm so scared of being wrong."
Petie, thank you for taking the time to share and I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Children should never have to endure such pain. I am heartbroken to think my own child did and I did not protect her. I cry thinking that she thinks I would look the other way because I would never. I have confronted my husband and went back and forth believing them because they are both so convincing. She refuses to confront him, go to counseling or the police or take a lie detector test where as he is willing to do any and did go to the police but only a victim can open a case. He has scheduled a polygraph for next week and says he will be exonerated but nobody will ever look at him the same again after what she has done. It's all so sad either way.
First I want to say that I am very sorry that you are having to go through this, its an awful position to be in. I am a 52 y/o male who was abused by an older brother from the age of about 9-11. I was also abused by one of his friends as well and often at the same time. Just my opinion but I would believe your daughter 100%. For her to come forward and being this to light took a lot of strength. We "the abused" know that once we say something we risk being turned on by those who are suppose to love us. I didn't confront my brother until the past few years. It was brought up at my mothers funeral and since that day I haven't spoken to any of my siblings. "He is crazy" is what they are saying. That's ok with me though, it was a secret that I felt ashamed of and why should I feel shame. And yes, my brother is the Golden Child, no one would ever believe he could do something like this. HE DID and he did it to ME!
This also caused problems with my mother and myself. I think we get upset because we believe they were suppose to protect us when we are kids and they failed. I went to counseling for years and my doc ask me what good would it do to tell my mother, it was so long ago that I should just forget it. Unfortunately I can't forget it. Putting it plainly, it messed me up real bad. I did confront my mother and she denied knowing anything.. Somehow I still don't believe her because it stopped as suddenly as it started.
If you don't mind my giving advice. Have you confronted your husband? If he loves you and your daughter he should be willing to take a lie detector test. I know sounds kinda crazy, but if I could get my brother to take one, my name would be clear. Perhaps she could take one also... Its such a delicate subject its really hard to say.
People also worry...What if he takes the test and fails. Will he do something bad to himself? My family would rather call me a liar than face the fact that we have an abuser in the family. Its easier to support him than it is me. The reason, well, "we don't do that in this family"... we did and I am paying the price. From reading your story, I understand your daughters anger etc..... I don't think she is angry with you as much as she is the situation. She has her guard up with you because she probably feels that you have to take sides and you are going to take your husbands side... I think this is something you have to get resolved or it will only fester....Confront your husband and don't accuse him but rather ask for his help to prove it didn't happen so you can help your daughter. If he refuses, more than likely he is guilty.. What father wouldn't do anything for his girl--anything! If he is innocent he shouldn't have a prpblem taking a lie detector test.
Sorry to be so long, its just that this is still a hot topic with me even at this very moment. My heart goes out to you and your daughter...
This also caused problems with my mother and myself. I think we get upset because we believe they were suppose to protect us when we are kids and they failed. I went to counseling for years and my doc ask me what good would it do to tell my mother, it was so long ago that I should just forget it. Unfortunately I can't forget it. Putting it plainly, it messed me up real bad. I did confront my mother and she denied knowing anything.. Somehow I still don't believe her because it stopped as suddenly as it started.
If you don't mind my giving advice. Have you confronted your husband? If he loves you and your daughter he should be willing to take a lie detector test. I know sounds kinda crazy, but if I could get my brother to take one, my name would be clear. Perhaps she could take one also... Its such a delicate subject its really hard to say.
People also worry...What if he takes the test and fails. Will he do something bad to himself? My family would rather call me a liar than face the fact that we have an abuser in the family. Its easier to support him than it is me. The reason, well, "we don't do that in this family"... we did and I am paying the price. From reading your story, I understand your daughters anger etc..... I don't think she is angry with you as much as she is the situation. She has her guard up with you because she probably feels that you have to take sides and you are going to take your husbands side... I think this is something you have to get resolved or it will only fester....Confront your husband and don't accuse him but rather ask for his help to prove it didn't happen so you can help your daughter. If he refuses, more than likely he is guilty.. What father wouldn't do anything for his girl--anything! If he is innocent he shouldn't have a prpblem taking a lie detector test.
Sorry to be so long, its just that this is still a hot topic with me even at this very moment. My heart goes out to you and your daughter...
2 Comments
Petie6147,
Your family sounds similar to mine. My mother was a narcissist and made two of her children Golden Children and the middle ones were abused and yet told we were never abused and made it up.
My middle brother watched in horror as my whole family mentally/emotionally abused me on a regular basis. He couldn't stop it because of constant threat of physical abuse by our dad. My middle brother was the only child in the family to be physically abused by our dad.
My mother disbelieved me and sided with my older brother who molested me. That ended the relationship with my mother. It was on shaky ground due to her personality disorders, NPD and OCPD.
I was referred to by everyone in my family as the "crazy one" and that everyone should keep their distance. My middle brother has been the only one to keep in touch with me.
After my mother died, my family has kept that same behavior. It's sad because even after the narcissist is gone the family system stays dysfunctional.
The only healthy child is the Scapegoat (me) because they leave the family system.
Your family sounds similar to mine. My mother was a narcissist and made two of her children Golden Children and the middle ones were abused and yet told we were never abused and made it up.
My middle brother watched in horror as my whole family mentally/emotionally abused me on a regular basis. He couldn't stop it because of constant threat of physical abuse by our dad. My middle brother was the only child in the family to be physically abused by our dad.
My mother disbelieved me and sided with my older brother who molested me. That ended the relationship with my mother. It was on shaky ground due to her personality disorders, NPD and OCPD.
I was referred to by everyone in my family as the "crazy one" and that everyone should keep their distance. My middle brother has been the only one to keep in touch with me.
After my mother died, my family has kept that same behavior. It's sad because even after the narcissist is gone the family system stays dysfunctional.
The only healthy child is the Scapegoat (me) because they leave the family system.
This is so sad and it sounds like you have worked your way through a lot of childhood trauma so good for you.
To be honest, nearly the exact thing happened to me and it has pretty much ruined my life. As her mother,you are all that she has! Im not trying to scare you, but do not be surprised if she becomes suicidal especially if you don't believe her.
There's really nothing for her to gain by lying about this, except humiliation and embarrassment. It's VERY rare for people to make things like that up, but VERY common for molestors to lie about it and seem like nice normal people. Please believe your daughter!
1 Comments
This forum is reassuring and at the same time distressing as so much of what I'm reading has happened to me. Almost 2 years ago I told my father "everything I could remember" about his brother (my uncle) molesting me (in a phone conversation). My father's only response to me was "You just Data Dumped me". I am his only daughter. He has not spoken to me since January 2014. . Maybe you think, "Why should I bother telling him now?" I was 59 y/o at the time. Guess, we as AMAC's, (adults molested as children) will always want to know if our parent(s) care to protect us even at this late stage in our lives. My father's wife of 36 yrs, has continued the abuse in an emotional manner towards me since their marriage in 1980. My father would never stand up to her very abusive emotional behavior towards me and 2 of my brothers. Now my entire nuclear family: older brother (who identified/looked up to "Chester the molester" uncle) and another younger brother are very distant to me. They treat me like I am crazy and the pariah of the family. To my knowledge, neither one of my biological children (girl and boy) were ever molested as my "antenna were up" as I raised them. (didn't want them around my father or mother). That uncle is still alive, was never prosecuted. I am having relational issues with my adult kids currently(very distressing). If it weren't for my "Faith in a Loving Father/God", I would have self destructed long ago. Mahalo for allowing me to speak here.
Well it does make her behavior and hostility since a teenager make sense. She changed around 16 and seemed so angry especially me but dad too. This was the time where she became sexually active and I chalked it up to hormones, school stress and being a teenager. She says she was lashing out. As far as it making sense during her childhood, it doesn't. She says it was going on as far back as she can remember (5?) and "pretty much stopped" when her brother was born, she was 7, and that it happened in our bed when she would come cuddle with us in our bed in the morning and I would go take a shower for work. I stayed home for a few years after having her brother. I am trying to keep a relationship with my son but it is strained. He at least realizes the part about me "knowing" all these years is not true. I would never ignore anyone hurting a child and he knows that. He has not and will not speak to his father. Not really relevant but he is gay and came out about 16 we have both been very supportive but it has been a difficult road for him. He always adored his sister but she was very mean to him. She pretty much never called or visited us or him after leaving for college, even when her brother was in an accdent. I asked him why he believes her 100% and he says he just knows its true and doesn't ever want to hear dads side. He admits he never saw or felt anything inappropriate. This is all so shocking to me. I thought we had a great family life. Not perfect, but good.
Exactly. As difficult as it will be, I need to know the truth. One of them is lying. Unless she has "false memories" which I have heard of. She was sexually assaulted freshman year of college and went to therapy. Actually she has accused a handful of men of innappropriate sexual conduct (never rape and not now either) - fellow students, co-workers and roommates. Not sure if that is relevant or a coincidence. She is a beautiful girl but seems odd. I have asked them both to take a lie detector test and he has agreed but she will not. He also went to the police and she would not. She wanted me to leave him immediately when she told me, didn't seem to want me to confront him, which I had to do, and he denied it all. He tried to talk to her but she refused. I am hurting them both because I don't know what to believe or how to decide. Living in limbo is terrible.
3 Comments
The flip side of the coin on your husband denying it all is that child molesters frequently deny any wrong doing. That's part of the "sickness."
A pedophile's five common psychological defense patterns are:
1. denial
2. minimization
3. justification
4. fabrication
5. attack, as in character attacks on the child or others.
And they can pass polygraph tests and lie the entire time. My father was one such person who could easily lie about anything and make you believe it. He was a psychopath and a serial killer.
I've also read this favorite line of many abuser: "it had educational value," that the child derived pleasure from the acts or attention, or that the child was provocative and encouraged the acts in some way.
As for your daughter's hostility as a teenager, the flip side could be normal behavior for a teenager. Some teenagers rebel more than others.
I was abused by my whole family: stepdad, mother, and three brothers. My father also abused me. I never rebelled as a teenager. I did the opposite. I withdrew within myself.
My stepson accused his stepfather of molesting him. His mother thought her son was lying and decided to "prove" he was a liar. She took him down to the police station, without his father's permission, and had the police interrogate him. He was about 9 years old at the time. He recanted his story of being abused. When he got home (to us) he was so traumatized by the experience he wouldn't speak for weeks. The first time he spoke he kept repeating, "I didn't do it."
Pretty sad story. It took years in therapy to help him recover from his mother's misstep. They have never been close since then and after that he chose to live with us full time. He had therapy for the sexual abuse as well.
A good read on the topic of child molesters can be found on the internet. It's called Child Molesters: A Behavioral Analysis. For Professionals Investigating the Sexual Exploitation of Children. It's a long PDF, 212 pages long, technical at times, yet informative. It's published by the FBI, National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, and Office of Justice Program.
A pedophile's five common psychological defense patterns are:
1. denial
2. minimization
3. justification
4. fabrication
5. attack, as in character attacks on the child or others.
And they can pass polygraph tests and lie the entire time. My father was one such person who could easily lie about anything and make you believe it. He was a psychopath and a serial killer.
I've also read this favorite line of many abuser: "it had educational value," that the child derived pleasure from the acts or attention, or that the child was provocative and encouraged the acts in some way.
As for your daughter's hostility as a teenager, the flip side could be normal behavior for a teenager. Some teenagers rebel more than others.
I was abused by my whole family: stepdad, mother, and three brothers. My father also abused me. I never rebelled as a teenager. I did the opposite. I withdrew within myself.
My stepson accused his stepfather of molesting him. His mother thought her son was lying and decided to "prove" he was a liar. She took him down to the police station, without his father's permission, and had the police interrogate him. He was about 9 years old at the time. He recanted his story of being abused. When he got home (to us) he was so traumatized by the experience he wouldn't speak for weeks. The first time he spoke he kept repeating, "I didn't do it."
Pretty sad story. It took years in therapy to help him recover from his mother's misstep. They have never been close since then and after that he chose to live with us full time. He had therapy for the sexual abuse as well.
A good read on the topic of child molesters can be found on the internet. It's called Child Molesters: A Behavioral Analysis. For Professionals Investigating the Sexual Exploitation of Children. It's a long PDF, 212 pages long, technical at times, yet informative. It's published by the FBI, National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, and Office of Justice Program.
Thanks, I will check that out. I have read a lot and tried to educate myself, for what its worth. He definitely is not a pedophile as there were many young girls around who were not touched. If anything he would be considered a situational offender - an opportunist. I previously thought molesters were only stepdads and not only biological fathers but I have learned that is not the case.
So sorry for all you have been through. The stories of all these abused children are truly heartbreaking.
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