Do adult children lie about being sexually abused as children?

[MOM42SF]

I am desperate for help. Last summer my world fell apart when my 26 year old daughter send me a message that her father had molested her for years as a child. I was shocked. The thought of that made me sick and I had never seen any signs but I didn't want to be that stupid mother that calls her daughter a liar. She claims I knew because I asked her so many times if anyone had touched her inappropirately but I was just trying to be a good mother and would never ever ignore such a thing. My grown son says he never saw anything but wholeheartedly believes his sister as this is the first time she has ever given him any attention at all. Of course my husband of 30 years denies any wrongdoing and I can't believe he is capable but thats what all say. We had a good life and their childhood seemed pretty idyllic to me but when my daughter turned 16 she started to be very hostile and through high school and college hated us more and more, especially me. Now she says this is the reason for the hate and it does make sense. Its the perfect storm. I dont know what to think or do and have lost both my children at this point. Initially I did offer to go to the police with her or to individual or family counseling or to confront him together but she refused to do anything said she just wanted me to know. I don't know what to do and there doesn't seem a solution. My husband is rightfully hurt that I am not 100% behind him and I have tried because I don't believe he could or would do that to his daughter but I'm so scared of being wrong."

[Nighthawk61]

I'm not assuming she is lying, i am assuming the father may not be lying as he is willing to go and get a lie detector test. Someone here said that their father was a "serial killer" and that he could lie undetected. I'm not sure of the statistics, but i don't think that a good man never in trouble and completely blown away by this alleged occurrence would be able to lie as easily as a serial killer. Incidentally. I 'm so sorry for the family of the serial killer. That's terrible.

[blueeyes091282]

Nighthawk... You do not know the daughter is lying. Me for instance told my mom that my step dad had molested me since iIwas about 5 years old. She ccontacted the authorities and when it all got started and they did exams on me after that Itold them iIwas lying bbecause Iddidn'twant my younger siblings to be without a father like I was. I was 13 when i finally told. So trust me Iwwouldn't just "assume" she is lying

[Nighthawk61]

Okay, so i have a different take on this. I grew up in a co dependent home. Lot's of chaos. It affected all four children differently. One an addict (myself) my step brother an alcoholic, my brother a wife beater, and my sister a compulsive liar and manipulator. My sister had a laundy list of people abusing her "sexually", Then i grew up and there came a time when i was in her world. She took a great deal of time trying to get me to say that i had been sexually abused by my father. My father was a major prick, however, he never sexually assaulted me. She hated him and wanted him to pay for pass deeds that didn't suit her. Then, my son was born. And my sister, in an attempt to have me ousted out of my son's life, called the authorities and said that my son had been abused by my "friends" It took some time to go through the process, but it was found "unfounded" What they call "unfounded" i call out and out lying by a messed up manipulator.

So that's my story.

Your husband is willing to exonerate himself. And your daughter is not. I'm pretty sure that it will become clear that your daughter is lying, at least about her dad. I doubt very much your daughter will take the test, but if she does, perhaps it would be beneficial to have the question's asked about the others who '"allegedly" raped or molested her. For her benefit, it would be healthy to know if your daughter may need help herself. I think this may be a case of young lady looking for attention, or the fall of another, and that she might need help herself.

I do not automatically believe adult children. And would need proof of their convictions before destroying a person's life. Not only that, i'd be sure to discuss it with them in no uncertain terms. "You have an opportunity to prove what you are saying, the fact that you are not, is suspect, to say the least".

Just another opinion, based on experience.

[MOM42SF]

Thank you NightHawk for adding another perspective. I do believe my daughter may be manipulating us all but don't understand what the end game would be in destroying our family. Even relatives who originally stood by her side (some who are abuse survivors themselves) later decided due to things she said and did that they thought she was lying.  Only her brother believes her.

[RockRose]

MOM,  the way you describe the incidents,  I 100% believe her.  Women do have "found" memories,  that are often untrue,  but she's got a clear memory of times when you know they were alone in bed.  

Sexual abuse is so difficult.  You ask is it odd that she wrote those love letters to him,  and no,  it makes it even more likely that it's true.  It's a twisty,  sad dynamic that girls who have been molested often want nothing as much as they want the approval of their molester,  if he is someone they loved to begin with.

And they blame others who did nothing,  and knew nothing.  

Children who are abused and then immediately make an outcry,  and get help and the abuse ends,  usually fare pretty well. They heal pretty well and feel empowered by their own actions.

Children who don't make an outcry,  and in fact take actions to facilitate the abuse (he continuing to come into bed with you for years after the first incident) fare very poorly.  Although it's not their fault,  they are left with the feeling of "why did I do that"?  "why didn't I try to make it stop"?

Is your daughter in therapy?

[MOM42SF]

I have offered to pay for therapy to both of my children but they don't want to. I have gone but should go back again.

[RockRose]

oops,  in the last paragraph,   (heR continuing to come into bed)

[MOM42SF]

Thank you Rosa.  I know what you say is true statistically but sometimes it does happen and I want to know the truth. He will take a polygraph next week but she refuses to take any action - not that it makes her the one lying.  Since you have been through this, can I ask you something that I keep thinking of - she says it happened for a few years when she was like 5-7 but her whole life was daddys girl and wrote him  (not me) these sweet letters all the time even up to 18 years old saying he was her favorite person in the world and she wanted find a man just like him to be the father of her children.  Does that seem odd to you, can you imaging writing something like that to your dad?