Do adult children lie about being sexually abused as children?

[MOM42SF]

I am desperate for help. Last summer my world fell apart when my 26 year old daughter send me a message that her father had molested her for years as a child. I was shocked. The thought of that made me sick and I had never seen any signs but I didn't want to be that stupid mother that calls her daughter a liar. She claims I knew because I asked her so many times if anyone had touched her inappropirately but I was just trying to be a good mother and would never ever ignore such a thing. My grown son says he never saw anything but wholeheartedly believes his sister as this is the first time she has ever given him any attention at all. Of course my husband of 30 years denies any wrongdoing and I can't believe he is capable but thats what all say. We had a good life and their childhood seemed pretty idyllic to me but when my daughter turned 16 she started to be very hostile and through high school and college hated us more and more, especially me. Now she says this is the reason for the hate and it does make sense. Its the perfect storm. I dont know what to think or do and have lost both my children at this point. Initially I did offer to go to the police with her or to individual or family counseling or to confront him together but she refused to do anything said she just wanted me to know. I don't know what to do and there doesn't seem a solution. My husband is rightfully hurt that I am not 100% behind him and I have tried because I don't believe he could or would do that to his daughter but I'm so scared of being wrong."

[Nighthawk61]

Oops, typo,..this......(But, as i said, the last thing my sister was into, was a diagnosis,) was supposed to read, a Cancer diagnosis, but she had lied so often who knew if it was true or not.

+++++++++++++++++

I'm sorry to hear that your son has dropped out because of all of this. I think you should talk to him, if you can, about his talking it out with a therapist. so he can get back to his life again.

Time has a way of showing the guilty party up and also of healing. i pray for both of these for you and your family.

[MOM42SF]

You bring up many good points and I am grateful for your objectivity, which I am struggling to maintain.  Actually she is 27 now.  Her anger and hostility began around 16 (coincidentally when she had her first boyfriend?) but this allegation only surfaced last year and she says it is the reason for her hostility the past 10 years. We tried from when she was 16 to get her into counseling but she refused - now I wish I would have forced the issue but I thought she would outgrow her angst.  She is graduated from college, living in another state, and to be married next month. My son is also grown, 20, and was away at college when this happened, was derailed dropped out and is still floundering.  I have observed her jealousy of my relationship with her father and spoke with her about on a few occasions, encouraging her to respect and appreciate that her parents loved each other and her. I grew up in a home rife with alcoholism and domestic violence and my life goal was to provide my kids a better childhood, and I did my best.

[Nighthawk61]

You know i went to the dollar store and thought of something, came back , commented and completely forgot the point i wanted to remember. (that's 55 for you).. So, you're put off because your daughter was Daddy's girl, right? and you're wondering how could she if she was close to Daddy.? and, why so mad at you. You just got hit with this, and it's a big deal to just believe your kid, even though they've shown signs all their life of manipulating people.

Maybe she's jealous of your relationship with your husband. Maybe she see's that you are close. Closer than she and her "daddy" are ,now that she's a) grown and b) changed her personality in a way that 'daddy" may not be thrilled with and is naturally maybe backing away from such a close relationship with her (as she had his unconditional love and attention as a child). A parent will always love their child, but it doesn't mean that they have to unconditionally like their child. Parent's are human too.

Do you think there's a possibility that she is not so much mad at you for choosing to insist to get to the bottom of her accusations, (as oppose to just blind faith and belief) but that she is just jealous of your relationship with her dad. So much so that she is willing to lose her dad?  Maybe she' betting that this accusation will provide an opportunity for you to be a loyal follower , of her. , after all, everybody knows that people automatically will believe a child  that it is politically correct to automatically believe a chlld, (BUT it is when children become older, young adults, and able to communicate more fully, able to have their own selves looked at critically (i don' t mean harshly, i mean fully) that automatic assumptions of alleged activities Must be looked at. Young adults must prove their allegations.

After all , there are a percentage of young offenders.(not so much with younger children though)...

[Nighthawk61]

I can't wait to hear how your husband did with the lie detector test.

You can't be a people pleaser, when it comes to displacing the man you married out of high school. You need to be very disciplined about being full apprised of all possibilities, and i think you're doing that well. It's not like you're going to cut your daughter off even if she is lying. Hopefully, when a kid acts out, their parents will be able to catch it, whatever it is , and get them help. But, as i said, the last thing my sister was into, was a diagnosis, but it's like the kid crying wolf at this point. She was simply too dangerous to be part of my life. With a kid it's a bit different.

I'm glad to be able to juxtapose both your husband and daughter's personality traits. I think it speaks volumes and needs to be considered.

When you do talk to your daughter, you have to use it as a teaching moment, and not be shy about being honest as to your evaluation of her personality and how that you also have to take it into consideration.

Your daughter is 16 now, right? so you have time, to talk to her with a psychologist before she's off to college. (hopefully). Our kids grow up so much in college, with some family counseling she may have a chance to grow up a bit with the help of family and a professional. I sure wouldn't suggest that you let this go. Fortunately unless she' inclined to be a runner, she will stay at home and take the heat that comes from the type of accusation, just like your husband is taking the heat. And just like you're taking the heat. The worse thing would be to let it go without talking as you are here, being honest about how you truly feel about he subject. Many parents that deny their child'd allegations of the bat, refuse to discuss it at all. They just make a decision on who's lying and repel the person they feel is guilty either of abuse or character assassination. I think there should be a charge for people that malign other people's characters. In some cases there is, like at work, but many times in families it is so repulsive that everyone other than the accuser,, just wants it to go away. The thing is, you need to open up the communication and talk to her about the way she has been treating people. The fact that maybe you haven't only serves to embolden her actions towards other people,

I don't envy how hard it is for your family right now. But i know that in a family there are often struggles, and as long as everyone opens the lines of communication, there's a possibility of healing and progress in relationships.

Want to know the results, I'm waiting with bated breath. i'm thinking of you often. I guess it brings back so many family memories of my own.hey, I lived through it. Nobody died. The human will prevails.

[MOM42SF]

I do consider him a good father, a good man, a good person whom I have never seen do anything mean or malicious to anyone. Yet I have observed that she can be mean and malicious and have watched her be very cruel to other children when young and later to girl friends and then her boyfriends.  And she has accused others - friends, room mates, co-workers but not been willing to take action. I understand none of these mean she is lying now. We certainly were not perfect parents, and we had kids young, but we were dedicated to our kids and to providing a healthy happy home - it was our priority.   She doesn't seem to hate him like she hates me (she now says because I did not protect her from him).  She was always daddy's little girl.  I don't discount anyone's abuse either, it's a very real and painful situation for many.  Honestly, I previously thought it was always stepdads and never knew it happened with biological fathers, but now have read a lot and that was my own misconception  I have angered some people by not just believing my daughter but I have tried to keep an open mind and they are both convincing, obviously complicated by the fact that I love them both very much.  All I want is the truth so we can all move forward.

[Nighthawk61]

Just to clarify, is your husband a good man? has he been a good father, or have there been problems that have occurred because he has mental problems.? Do you otherwise have a good marriage and you consider him to be a good father? Did he have a record when you met him.?

Alternately, did your daughter get caught in lies as a child? was she somewhat deceitful as a child? Would she have any reason to hate her father enough to break you away from him.?

I am not discounting the abuse others have suffered only telling my truth about my sister who lied many times about sexual abuse, and also had her teenage daughter lie about her step father abusing her. After awhile, the alleged offender went back to live with them both. I only have my experience to share. I respect all experiences given on this forum.