Dreaming about my abusive ex-husband when will it stop?

[stillgrowingLisa]

When will I stop dreaming about my ex-husband?  We have been divorced for 10 months.  I keep dreaming that we get back together, or he is with another woman and I am hurt, or other variations on these themes.  Every dream is soooo emotionally charged.  I end up crying for hours the next day.  I was married to an emotionally and verbally abusive man for 20 years.  He was very controlling and made me so anxious I was physically sick.  I got the courage to divorce him in spite of the fact that I love him.  I knew that I must to survive - the life I had would have killed me eventually.   But now I'm having these dreams that are tearing me apart.  I see a psychologist, and I am working through understanding what happend, but I am so tired of being sad all the time.  Has anyone been through something like this?  When does my heart heal?

[stillgrowingLisa]

PS.  Forgot to mention this.  Your technique about letting out the anger I think is useful.  Before I say this, please understand that my mother is bi-polar, has personality disorders, is an end stage alcholic, RX abuser, manipulative, mean-spirited and emotionally abusive to every single member of our family, including my 84 year old Grandma.  She refuses treatment.  To top it off she's tried to kill several members of the family when drunk.  As you can imagine, even as she was abusing us, we were constantly trying to "save" her.  Enough about that....

My moment was when a year ago at the age of 41 I told her that she was a self centered, selfish *****.  (I have never talked like that before)  I told her that she had hurt me for 41 years.  I told her that she had hurt every single person I loved.  I told her it was done, she wouldn't be hurting me any more.  I left and have no intention of having contact with her in the future.  It was an incredible relief to be angry with her.  I had suppressed it for my whole life and now it was out.  I think this was a turning point.  

Now to work on my anger at my ex.....

Thanks again.  

[allmymarbles]

Maybe the dreams you are having are based on sex, not love. You probably do not have a partner right now. Join the social scene. Find one.

[stillgrowingLisa]

Thanks for your reply.  You may have something there.  I don't feel ready to be in a relationship or date yet, but my mind does go there (dating and sex) more and more....  by the way, is there a social scene for middle aged divorced moms?  Ha!  

[allmymarbles]

Sure. Doll your self up and buy a pretty dress. Take a cruise if you can afford it. Gve parties. Goodness, you are only 41. In this day and age you are just a kid.

[stillgrowingLisa]

Thanks for the advice !  I'm going to work towards "getting out there".  I feel like I'm starting my adult life over again.  A hard, yet good thing.  I like the sound of "only 41" .  Thanks.  : )

[teko]

Are you sure you are not confusing love with co dependency? I am not sure it is possible to love someone who abuses or hurts you, is it? Maybe your identity of yourself is in that time period? I am guessing it is co dependency and you might think about counseling if not already in it. You need to learn a new way of thinking apart from the way you lived for so long. Or you will be in the midst of another relationship just like it if not the same one all over again.